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| Milo - Image by family permission |
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| Ivan Antonenko, Unsplash |
We're here because we're here! Yep, here, too, he went with the flow.
We are so inculturated to press, squeeze, and mold life as if it were clay. We worry that if we stop all the pressing either (a) nothing will happen or (b) something bad will happen.
Standing anywhere but in the midst of grief
Milo's quip is NOT the instinctive response when a loved one dies, but keep reading...
We've long recited the five stages of grief identified by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
Sounding as easy as following a recipe, these stages are actually a personal journey with a very personal duration! In their book Moving Beyond Loss, Russell Friedman and John W. James identify six myths or ineffective responses employed by most grievers:
- Don't Feel Bad
- Replace the Loss
- Grieve Alone
- Grief Just Takes Time or Time Heals All Wounds
- Be Strong and Be Strong for Others
- Keep Busy
When choosing to be anywhere but in the midst of grief, lots of things may get done but transforming the pain of loss isn't usually one of them.
Giving grief a chance to do good things
What if rather than waiting for acceptance to magically or laboriously arrive, I CHOOSE acceptance? What if I say out loud: I'm here because I'm here. Matt Harvey, mindfulness/meditation practioner and author calls this 'embracing your life, even the tricky bits.' In his essay on acceptance, he shows us how the polar opposites: (a) acting out on strong emotions or (b) suppressing feelings about one's circumstances --- have negative repercussions resulting in much more pain.
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| Photo by Alex Jones on Unsplash |
Trying out nonresistance
Choosing to gently acknowledge the loss: "My dear one is no longer here. I miss them terribly. I don't know what's ahead," is a start. Acknowledging is nonresistance...taking my hands off the clay.
Matt counsels that when I stop seeing the grief as a problem to be solved and resisted, and instead just let it be, I will find myself opening in the present moment to a new flow in which things settle into a rightness. I now see choices, opportunities, helps and helpers. I feel more moments of calm instead of fear or pain.
Trying out nonresistance can move from challenging to empowering! I've been trying it out in big and little ways and the results are encouraging.
- When I hear neighborhood noise like loud music from an idling car or a dog on a barking jag...I wait in nonresistance---I choose to relax and to trust my choice of nonresistance; eventually the car drives off, the dog settles down or is taken inside. I enjoy some reading and later, sleep well.
- When circumstances prevent my being with a loved one on a holiday...I recognize the futility of getting into a lonesome funk and instead wait in nonresistance---I spend a few moments journaling to acknowledge and better understand my feelings as I relax and trust. In awhile, an interesting opportunity or invitation arrives by email or text; I may suddenly get an infusion of creative ideas and feel excited to start on them; I take a walk on a popular trail and enjoy friendly chitchat with others.
We're here because we're here
Readers may remember my own grief journeys from the death of a parent to the more life-changing death of my spouse. Connecting with compassionate friends and recognizing that life is about adapting to new circumstances has always brought me to a state of harmony.
This is your life and your journey through the mellow times, the joys and sorrows. Trust yourself ... hold a wise friend's hand for awhile ... and try going with the flow. I believe in you!
Thank you for caring and sharing!
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