H.A.L.T: Avoiding Self Care Red Flags

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The Growing Through Grief series

As a young woman driving cross country homeward after a breakup, I'd touch base with my dad, in the evenings. There were no mobile phones, so I'd call him from the motel room telephone. It was a grim, lonely trip but one of the most important things my dad told me was to eat. "Don't skip meals, Deb; keep your strength up."

The 'strength' that comes from regular, complete nutrition cannot be overstated. In the infographic, 10 Reasons Doctors Talk About The Need For Good Nutrition & Diets, four of the ten points emphasize improved wellbeing, mood, focus and energy. When nutrition is shoddy or spotty, your personal house of cards can quickly spiral into depression, confusion, inertia and health complications. 

Despite the stress, it is important to push past all tendencies to avoid food ("I don't feel like eating" or "I've always had a small appetite"). Postponing meals and snacks ("I'm too busy to eat.") must also be counteracted. Many grieving people experience weight shifts, up or down; monitor this and consult your doctor if it goes beyond a 5-10 pound change.

Keep your battery charged

In general, coping with any stress--pandemic isolation, job or financial pressures, relationship challenges, and grief-- requires remarkable inner strength, physical stamina, and a fully charged “mental battery.” Self help writers long ago coined an acronym to assess one’s mental battery strength:  HALT. It stands for Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. and feeling any one of those is a red flag needing immediate care. I am spending more time talking about nutrition (the H of HALT) because it can support and regulate so many functions of the body, brain, and mood.

H.A.L.T.

Hungry. 

Strong emotions can drive out an appetite and stress affects easy digestion, so I
would suggest sitting quietly for five to ten minutes before eating. Calm yourself by stroking your pet, listening to soft music, walking in your yard, breathing mindfully. Your brain needs fuel and choosing ‘high octane’ nutritious foods over sugary or packaged snacks is vital. Make every food choice count: high quality protein, complex carbs, fresh dark green veggies. AVOID alcohol and sugar.  Another tip for low appetite is to eat a small portion morning, midday, and late afternoon. ‘Bedtime snack’ is not a dirty word, either.

Angry.  

Anger can be a natural response to dramatic change and pain. Every cell of our being wants to react to it or run from it. You know your triggers, so choose exposure carefully. Then, know how to calm down:  call a friend or counselor, open a good book, say a prayer, find something to laugh about, listen to music, hug your pet, and my favorite: go outside for some fresh air.

Lonely.  

With CDC guidelines relaxed or cancelled as the U.S. pandemic and vaccinations stabilize, emerging from isolation is a process. For many, the experience was emotionally or financially devastating. Grieving also triggers powerful moments of loneliness. The set of HALT red flags includes loneliness because it is not just a state of mind or a poorly managed mood. It can seriously affect mental and physical health! Reach out: make phone calls to friends, family, your hospice social worker or clergy. Arrange a visit with someone. If you feel your options are narrow, just go out to a store for a break in the ache of feeling alone. 

Tired.  

A lot of things can make us tired: poor sleep, meds, stress and emotional spikes. Grief--especially the early period (which may vary by individual)--can upend your circadian rhythms, trigger fears, worries and obsessive thoughts, which seem to spike in the dark! Rest: where, when, and how you can, and shutting your eyes on the couch or recliner counts. Ask your health care provider for suggestions.

The role of a caring friend

If you are the friend of someone struggling with a loss, gently ask from time to time about the HALT aspects of self care. Bringing nutritious prepared food or taking the grieving person out for a meal can be very helpful. Offering your quiet companionship or assistance in the home may allow the person to relax and nap. Make the call, send the text: being present and open to simply listen is a huge support. 

Thank you for caring!

When You Cannot Vigil the Dying: Be There

The scouring of humanity

This is a post about what to do when you cannot be with a dying loved one. As I write this, the Covid-19 pandemic began scouring humanity in early 2020, overcoming nearly 2 million people, worldwide by year’s end. In most settings, infection control measures have barred visitors from patient bedsides, even those dying. 

The empty chair beside the bed

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This is a post about what to do when you cannot be with a dying loved one. It applies to the myriad circumstances that might prevent you from keeping vigil, holding a hand, stroking a forehead, whispering words of love and gratitude close to their ear. The circumstances that keep you from the bedside are many, and may have nothing to do with the pandemic. I learned this in 2019, when my mother chose the peace of her distant home for her final months with cancer. My parents wanted privacy instead of a family event and, though eventually I was called to come help with care, for weeks before, I entered the room secretly.

This is a post about what to do when you think you cannot be with a dying loved one. This is the story of how I found the way to ‘jump over the wall’ and be right there with my mother. I soothed her, whispered encouragement, and experienced a deep communion. This technique is available to everyone.

Spirit to spirit

Have you heard the expression ‘we are spirits in human form’ ? Some refer to our spirit as ‘mind.’ This is not religious dogma, it is truth. You need only read or listen to a few accounts of near death experiences to awaken to this truth. (In addition to the books by Raymond Moody, a reliable source is IANDS, the International Association for Near Death Studies, Inc.)  What you do with this awareness beyond the purpose of this essay, is your choice. But, if you are faced with the inability to be with a dying loved one, here is what you can do.

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Each of our spirits (or minds) exist in a field of energy without boundaries of time, location, language or physical dimension. Knowing and accepting this is indescribeably wonderful! It means you can ‘jump over the wall’ and connect with someone through techniques that allow you unfettered access to the ‘field.’ These techniques include meditation, contemplation, and prayer. 

To visit my mother, I used a Metta meditation described in my essay on impermanence and change. I also recommend the meditations of integrative medicine and energy work practitioner Dr. Ann Marie Chiasson. In her book, Energy Healing: The Essentials of Self-Care, Dr. Chiasson explains the Metta Meditation, which Buddhist practice calls a loving-kindness meditation. Traditionally, there are four stanzas but for your spirit visit, I suggest repeating these three stanzas, four times. 

To begin, sit comfortably; while taking a few full, slow breaths, fill your mind with the image and true, joyful essence of your loved one. ‘Hold their hand’ and truly believe in this communion of spirits. Begin to softly speak these stanzas to them, savoring each expression with your heart and spirit; when you can, close your eyes:

Repeat each stanza four times

May I be at peace.

May my heart remain open.

May I awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May I be healed.

May I be a source of healing for all beings.

May you be at peace.

May your heart remain open.

May you awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May you be healed.

May you be a source of healing for all beings.

May we be at peace.

May our hearts remain open.

May we awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May we be healed.

May we be a source of healing for all beings.

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When finished, remain in this peaceful place with your eyes closed. Note how you feel. It is suggested that you do this loving-kindness meditation, daily. You will quickly feel that you are having a daily visit with your loved one.

Further insight into our connection as spirits can be found in an excerpt from this remarkably comforting poem by Henry Scott Holland. My mother requested that it be used on her memorial folder and each time I read it, I know the truth, that she is only in ‘the next room.’

Death Is Nothing At All

All is well,

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Whatever we were to each other, we still are.

Please, call me by my old familiar name.

Speak of me in the same easy way you always did.

Laugh, as we always laughed,

At the little jokes we shared together.

Think of me and smile.

Let my name be the household name it always was,

Spoken without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was…

All is well.

-Henry Scott Holland

May all who are in this circumstance know that you are not alone. I wish you peace and the comfort of a spirit to spirit visit. Namaste.

Please share this with someone you know who is anticipating a loved one’s death.

Thank you for caring.

The Covid-19 Condolence Note

Begin at the beginning

Every death and every grief is a tough ration of reality. Normalcy is suspended. Extra duties pile on and most have unique challenges; still, survivors move forward. They find comfort and support in the strata of life relationships and, with time and revision, 'normal' bears resemblance to the well known.

If there is one topic all of humanity agrees on, it is that the Covid-19 pandemic has assaulted the concept of 'normal.' All patterns-- how we tend the sick, vigil the dying, gather to mourn and weave our memories into shared legacy--are torn. We are left to begin at the beginning. 

Celebrating a person's life should never be about the cause of their death.

You may feel the pandemic has taken much from you--casual freedoms, livelihood, leisure enjoyments; DO NOT let it take your memories of this wonderful person!

Beyond the Top 5 Keys for a Great Condolence Note

Now, more than ever, you need to step up with written condolence. Final embraces, funeral hugs and food-filled wakes have been put on hold (many irretrievable!) Since you may not be able to reach out with arms, reach out with words! Giving survivors something to hold and spend time with not only fills in gaps, but provides a lifeline of hope.

Years ago, I designed a bookmark to promote my eBook, but I wanted it to be useful beyond marking your place. I reviewed my writings and distilled the reams of Condolence Coaching to this:

Notice the suggestion that you only need 2 or 3 Keys for your note. Easy, right? It's a good start. And while we absolutely want to deliver good memories, acknowledging the difficult circumstances which likely surrounded loved ones' proximity to the care and death, can be done gently.

Phrasing Special Sympathies for the Hardships of Today

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In addition to selecting one of the Top 5 Keys for your condolence, give your note a sensitivity boost if one of these circumstances occurred:

• If survivor(s) were not able to to be at the dying person's bedside:
• "Trust that the love you have long-shared, surrounded ____ when you could not be at his/her bedside."
• If funeral arrangements were hasty, severely abbreviated, or a gathering was delayed to a future "safer" date:
• "Although we couldn't gather as hoped, my heart and thoughts were with you."
• "Although we couldn't gather right away, I look forward to being with you someday soon."
• Acknowledging the lack of hugs, etc. when they are most acutely needed:
• "When I heard the news, I just wanted to give you a big hug. Please know that within these words is a "raincheck" for that hug!"

Remember that, if you do not have a mailing address for the family, you can always send your card or note c/o the funeral home or mortuary that handled the final disposition. Just write "Please forward" on the envelope.

Read about Virtual Funerals, here!

Thank you for caring!