Making it Through the Moment, No Matter How Tough

The Growing Through Grief Series

It is a human tendency to encapsulate or categorize time into quantities. We order our days with calendars, reminder notifications and heaps of anticipation or dread. But isn’t it true that we only experience moments?  Some of us came from climates where weather changed quickly. We’d tease: wait five minutes and it will be different.

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A blue sky now clouds over; a downpour suddenly ceases, a clear road is overcome with whiteout. The same occurs in relationships: a facial expression or comment can 'change the weather' of the moment so that we feel warmed and welcomed or anxious and awkward.

Is there a reason for this moment?

In The Magic of Awareness,  Anam Thubten, Rinpoche, invites the recognition that “this very moment cannot be any better than it is right now.” If you’ve ever been told ‘everything happens for a reason,’ then it can be helpful to take a deep breath and trust that the moment will lead to the next, best moment. Life coach Byron Katie stated, "Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late."

This is not fluff or hogwash. Having faced myriad 'take a deep breath' life situations, I know the signs of crisis or coping. As a young woman, I quickly reacted with strong, sometimes debilitating emotions. In my post, H.A.L.T: Avoiding Self Care Red Flags, the support of a caring person helped anchor me to the present. In more recent years, my mindfulness practices (yoga, meditation, affirmative prayer) led me to ask that important question: Is there a reason for this moment?

Used with permission,
Melinda Rogers

Often, we are simply standing in 'someone else's weather,' -- minor kerfluffles or the dramatic storms of their life and/or death. My friend Charlotte notes that, from moment to moment, we either teach or learn. If the reason or purpose is not readily apparent, wait on the revelation of insight. Keep your heart open, and it will come.

Health challenges

When changes in health occur -- from catching an inconvenient cold, getting a positive Covid-19 test, or the spiral into chronic or terminal illness -- it is extremely hard to stay centered in the moment. And it takes tremendous support or spiritual grounding to accept the condition with peace, welcoming its insights and growth. Still, it is worth trying and of course, the key is to make it through the moment.

Steps to help someone make it through the moment

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• Understand that your presence and acceptance of someone's struggle is a huge part of the help. This is an important concept in any form of vigiling or support because without words, it communicates 'you are not alone.'
• Tips for credibility of presence: silence and place your cell phone somewhere it won't be disturbing or tempting. If you must keep track of time, state that up front and set an appliance timer (like the stove) so you don't keep checking. Turn off the TV. Respectfully declutter your visiting area by removing a meal tray, stacking mail elsewhere, straighten a blanket, fluff a pillow, clear or straighten miscellany from nearby surfaces, and bring one pretty decorative item into view.
• My friend, Melinda, reminds me that staying in the moment can be as simple as quality time with friends, family, pets, and doing activities such as crafting or cooking.
• Believe that acceptance of the moment will be helpful. Always be loving and gentle. View the moment with the same awe or wonderment as if you were observing an unusual work of art. Simply accepting it is more important than understanding all of the whys for this life situation or condition. 
• It can be said that life is a tapestry of situations or conditions. It is an energetic mystery but when I resist a situation, I prolong it and my stress or pain; when I accept it, resolution or relief come quickly.

• Sacred poetry blogger-philosopher Ivan M. Granger mused in a recent Thought for the Day post: 

Come to that confrontation with yourself, on all sides. Come unarmed. The secret: Embrace everything you find.

• In the company of your friend facing the challenge, listen, and empathize with your presence and caring expression or a light touch but avoid launching into a complex discussion of the story.
• Ask a series of questions that require in-the-moment responses. Examples are:
• Do you feel warm or cold? Would you like me to adjust the room temperature, loosen your clothing or put a throw on your lap? 
• Where is there discomfort now? What form of relief can we try? 
• What thoughts are you having now? Can you name something good about this moment? What are you grateful for right now?
• Describe a challenge that you are having right now? Say something to it !
• How does this room we're in comfort or annoy you? What are your favorite things in this room? What can we adjust to make it more pleasing?
• What or who can you forgive or ask forgiveness for right now? Do you need to forgive a part of your body?
• What are you teaching in this a moment?
• As a companion, you may be able to suggest something that you are being 'taught' by your friend/loved one's experience. 
• What are you learning in this moment?
• If this was a perfect day, what would it be like?
• What part of this day is perfect?
• Tell me about someone who is still benefiting from a help you once gave?
• Finally, one of the most powerful centering practices is to view or hold one small thing--preferably something from nature-a rock, a twig, a shell- and study it with sight, touch, smell. Think of its creation, its experiences; this focus can produce awe, joy, and peace.

Presence has power and powerlessness

Have you noticed this duality? Look closely at the smallest thing you have power over, as well as the things you surrender to. This is part of the human experience. Awareness and surrender to the circumstance can be a freeing choice. Exploring these two topics through reading and contemplation will enlighten--truly brighten your path. Share the insight gently, as life invites you.

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

H.A.L.T: Avoiding Self Care Red Flags

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The Growing Through Grief series

As a young woman driving cross country homeward after a breakup, I'd touch base with my dad, in the evenings. There were no mobile phones, so I'd call him from the motel room telephone. It was a grim, lonely trip but one of the most important things my dad told me was to eat. "Don't skip meals, Deb; keep your strength up."

The 'strength' that comes from regular, complete nutrition cannot be overstated. In the infographic, 10 Reasons Doctors Talk About The Need For Good Nutrition & Diets, four of the ten points emphasize improved wellbeing, mood, focus and energy. When nutrition is shoddy or spotty, your personal house of cards can quickly spiral into depression, confusion, inertia and health complications. 

Despite the stress, it is important to push past all tendencies to avoid food ("I don't feel like eating" or "I've always had a small appetite"). Postponing meals and snacks ("I'm too busy to eat.") must also be counteracted. Many grieving people experience weight shifts, up or down; monitor this and consult your doctor if it goes beyond a 5-10 pound change.

Keep your battery charged

In general, coping with any stress--pandemic isolation, job or financial pressures, relationship challenges, and grief-- requires remarkable inner strength, physical stamina, and a fully charged “mental battery.” Self help writers long ago coined an acronym to assess one’s mental battery strength:  HALT. It stands for Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. and feeling any one of those is a red flag needing immediate care. I am spending more time talking about nutrition (the H of HALT) because it can support and regulate so many functions of the body, brain, and mood.

H.A.L.T.

Hungry. 

Strong emotions can drive out an appetite and stress affects easy digestion, so I
would suggest sitting quietly for five to ten minutes before eating. Calm yourself by stroking your pet, listening to soft music, walking in your yard, breathing mindfully. Your brain needs fuel and choosing ‘high octane’ nutritious foods over sugary or packaged snacks is vital. Make every food choice count: high quality protein, complex carbs, fresh dark green veggies. AVOID alcohol and sugar.  Another tip for low appetite is to eat a small portion morning, midday, and late afternoon. ‘Bedtime snack’ is not a dirty word, either.

Angry.  

Anger can be a natural response to dramatic change and pain. Every cell of our being wants to react to it or run from it. You know your triggers, so choose exposure carefully. Then, know how to calm down:  call a friend or counselor, open a good book, say a prayer, find something to laugh about, listen to music, hug your pet, and my favorite: go outside for some fresh air.

Lonely.  

With CDC guidelines relaxed or cancelled as the U.S. pandemic and vaccinations stabilize, emerging from isolation is a process. For many, the experience was emotionally or financially devastating. Grieving also triggers powerful moments of loneliness. The set of HALT red flags includes loneliness because it is not just a state of mind or a poorly managed mood. It can seriously affect mental and physical health! Reach out: make phone calls to friends, family, your hospice social worker or clergy. Arrange a visit with someone. If you feel your options are narrow, just go out to a store for a break in the ache of feeling alone. 

Tired.  

A lot of things can make us tired: poor sleep, meds, stress and emotional spikes. Grief--especially the early period (which may vary by individual)--can upend your circadian rhythms, trigger fears, worries and obsessive thoughts, which seem to spike in the dark! Rest: where, when, and how you can, and shutting your eyes on the couch or recliner counts. Ask your health care provider for suggestions.

The role of a caring friend

If you are the friend of someone struggling with a loss, gently ask from time to time about the HALT aspects of self care. Bringing nutritious prepared food or taking the grieving person out for a meal can be very helpful. Offering your quiet companionship or assistance in the home may allow the person to relax and nap. Make the call, send the text: being present and open to simply listen is a huge support. 

Thank you for caring!