Getting to Acceptance: We're here because we're here

Milo - Image by family permission

Milo enlisted in the Coast Guard in 1942. He did not know if he'd be assigned to Atlantic or Pacific waters (and as a Middle America flatlander, oceans were not second nature) but going with the flow felt right. 

Honorably discharged after serving in Neah Bay off the Washington coast, Milo brought his wife and young son back to their hometown. Going with the flow felt right.

Sunday drives to picnic at lakes or visit extended family always found Milo parking the Hudson and announcing:

Ivan Antonenko, Unsplash

We're here because we're here! Yep, here, too, he went with the flow. 

Standing anywhere but in the midst of grief

Milo's quip is NOT the instinctive response when a loved one dies, but keep reading... 

We've long recited the five stages of grief identified by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: 

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

Sounding as easy as following a recipe, these stages are actually a personal journey with a very personal duration! In their book Moving Beyond Loss, Russell Friedman and John W. James identify six myths or ineffective responses employed by most grievers:

1. Don't Feel Bad
2. Replace the Loss
3. Grieve Alone
4. Grief Just Takes Time or Time Heals All Wounds
5. Be Strong and Be Strong for Others
6. Keep Busy

When choosing to be anywhere but in the midst of grief, lots of things may get done but transforming the pain of loss isn't usually one of them.

Giving grief a chance to do good things

What if rather than waiting for acceptance to magically or laboriously arrive, I CHOOSE acceptance? What if I say out loud: I'm here because I'm here. Matt Harvey, mindfulness/meditation practioner and author calls this 'embracing your life, even the tricky bits.'  In his essay on acceptance, he shows us how the polar opposites: (a) acting out on strong emotions or (b) suppressing feelings about one's circumstances --- have negative repercussions resulting in much more pain. 

Photo by Alex Jones on Unsplash

We are so inculturated to press, squeeze, and mold life as if it were clay. We worry that if we stop all the pressing either (a) nothing will happen or (b) something bad will happen.

Trying out nonresistance

Choosing to gently acknowledge the loss: "My dear one is no longer here. I miss them terribly. I don't know what's ahead," is a start. Acknowledging is nonresistance...taking my hands off the clay.

Matt counsels that when I stop seeing the grief as a problem to be solved and resisted, and instead just let it be, I will find myself opening in the present moment to a new flow in which things settle into a rightness. I now see choices, opportunities, helps and helpers. I feel more moments of calm instead of fear or pain.

Trying out nonresistance can move from challenging to empowering! I've been trying it out in big and little ways and the results are encouraging.

1. When I hear neighborhood noise like loud music from an idling car or a dog on a barking jag...I wait in nonresistance---I choose to relax and to trust my choice of nonresistance; eventually the car drives off, the dog settles down or is taken inside. I enjoy some reading and later, sleep well.
2. When circumstances prevent my being with a loved one on a holiday...I recognize the futility of getting into a lonesome funk and instead wait in nonresistance---I spend a few moments journaling to acknowledge and better understand my feelings as I relax and trust. In awhile, an interesting opportunity or invitation arrives by email or text; I may suddenly get an infusion of creative ideas and feel excited to start on them; I take a walk on a popular trail and enjoy friendly chitchat with others. 

We're here because we're here

Readers may remember my own grief journeys from the death of a parent to the more life-changing death of my spouse. Connecting with compassionate friends and recognizing that life is about adapting to new circumstances has always brought me to a state of harmony. My post on Making It Through the Moment reminds us that 'moments' are all we have and offers more strategies and mindsets to be present to what is.

This is your life and your journey through the mellow times, the joys and sorrows. Trust yourself ... hold a wise friend's hand for awhile ... and try going with the flow. I believe in you!

Thank you for caring and sharing!  

Remember To Breathe

Author image

The Growing Through Grief series

BREATH-- that free commodity which keeps us alive--is easily forgotten when we are stressed!  Rather than reaching for more breath, we reach for potato chips, ice cream, alcohol. What are you reaching for as the world of Covid continues to constrict our lives? We may tighten up with fear and uncertainty: a reaction that creeps into other aspects of living and we find ourselves asking 'who and what do I trust?'

So many of us experimented with finding a mask we could breathe through! Were you more at ease in paper or cloth? Many people chose to wear plastic face shields, and many others defiantly denounced the masking recommendations and rules. In times of powerlessness, the ego--and the survival instinct--drive us to grasp and assert power somewhere. But as we see on the news, vulnerable people often exercise very poor power choices.

Return to simple

Recently, a woman told me her doctor “prescribed” breathing exercises. There was no respiratory apparatus to buy or app to download; her instructions were simple: slowly count to 4 while inhaling, then slowly count to 4 while exhaling; repeat the cycle for ten minutes, daily. 

Breathing is an essential part of yoga. Perhaps you've heard or tried the breathing practices of pranayama or left nostril breathing, both of which have medically proven calming effects.

A few years ago, I learned a short song that delights and centers me:

Breathe in

Breathe out

That special feeling--

That's what it's all about.

When trouble comes around

there ain't no doubt:

Breathe in

Breathe out.

There are various melodies, but why not make up you own, or chant the lyrics, repeating the verse a few times. And of course, practice the breathing in the midst of vocalizing.

Return to trust

Breathing is trusting. Air is free. We do all we can to ensure someone with respiratory challenges is supplied adequate oxygen. As occurs in many patient settings, my late husband, while in hospice care, wore a nasal cannula (the small flexible tubing with two prongs that sit just inside the nostrils.) He grew more comfortable as I gradually increased the flow rate from the oxygen concentrator to a mid range, as his nurse advised. 

Take time to exercise the calming power of breath!

Thank you for caring and sharing!