6 Tips for Writing Condolence to a Relative

I have a strong suspicion that many readers have not considered writing a condolence note to a relative. Do you recognize these 6 excuses?

1. We see each other a lot.
2. I just saw them at the service.
3. We call, text, or Facebook each other.
4. Writing seems so formal.
5. I'd rather give a hug than a letter.
6. They'll find out I'm not a writer.

When Grandma died in the airport

I do write condolences to relatives, and readers of my book remember the story of Grandma's death in an airport restroom. Awful, right? Now imagine how frightened, panicked, and devastated her family felt. Grandpop and my father waited in the terminal while my mother accompanied her mother to the ladies room. "I don't feel well. I need to sit down," moaned Grandma as she sunk to the floor. Being a practical woman, she unpinned her 'corset money' from an undergarment, which she earned from bead and crochet crafts, and handed it to her daughter. My mother felt so powerless to render comfort other than her presence. And by the time an EMT team arrived, Grandma had succumbed to the heart attack.

Yes, I wrote a note to my mother! It's in the book. For losses spanning human, pet, job and other difficult life circumstance, I  have written condolences to my father, siblings, sisters-and-mother-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. 

Relatives are people, too

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The reasons for writing a condolence are universal. You are striving to lend support and a few moments of comfort. You have many advantages in being a relative:  you likely have one or several special memories--including photos, to share; in fact, your relationship and likely interactions with the deceased are unique, increasing the likelihood of a unique memory! Did your uncle recognize an interest or talent and give you a nurturing gift? Did you pet-sit for your sister's cat and discover something special in its golden-eyed gaze? Did your brother-in-law help you move after a divorce? These memories can be shared, thanks and appreciation can be expressed. Did you watch your aging mother-in-law make--and lose--friend after friend?

The comfort that your note delivers does not--should not--be wrapped in complex, philosophical or religious explanations. You are 'off the hook' to take away pain, map out the future, or give wise advice. Just be sincere. Now, more than ever, real handwritten, hold-in-the-hand condolences are treasures. They are re-read during quiet and lonely times; they are shared with others; they provide what the digital age cannot.

6 Tips for writing to a relative

Let me caution you:  if you think that buying a lovely card and writing "so sorry for your loss, she will be missed" is adequate, please click on the links peppered throughout this post for a quick, comprehensive review of condolence writing. You don't need to use all 6 tips at once. Think about the deceased and the recipient, then listen to your heart.

1. Acknowledge the loss and express sympathy:  "I am so sorry this day has come; Terry's death leaves an empty space."
2. Acknowledge the relationship:  "Your sister, Mary, knew she could count on you." 
3. Share a classic, well known memory:  "Bailey's greeting at the door always made me smile." 
4. Share a personal/unique memory:  "Uncle Rick saw my creative side and gave me a set of pastel crayons." (Never break a confidence, or share cruel or embarrassing memories.) 
5. Offer encouragement and/or help:  "I know you're facing a big job to ready the house for sale, so remember: my truck and my time are at your service." 
6. Express gratitude for the recipient or deceased:  "You were so supportive to Elsa, especially when she couldn't feed herself; it taught me a lot about compassion."

Which relative should I write to?

Who is the next-of-kin? Who do you have a connection to? If you are closer to your cousin than to your aunt who just lost her husband, it's okay to write to your cousin; he or she will probably share the note.

Should I write to more than one relative?

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You certainly can, but don't feel pressured to blow through a 12-pack of note cards. While considering which relative to write to, your heart will put checkmarks by those you want to express sympathy to. Attending a visitation or service allows you to touch base with many people, which can 'winnow' the roster of notes. Review your memories and your emotional, heartfelt responses; if you feel the impulse, writing two or three simple and caring notes is lovely.

When should I write?

We write condolence notes even when we attend services. If you can be present for gatherings, consider delaying your note until after; you will return to your desk ready to share feelings and observations with enriched awareness of:

• the scope of a family and community's shared affection
• life details you did not know such as quiet achievements and talents, branch of military service, significant dates
• qualities of your note's recipient

Thank you for caring!

Arriving Where We Started: Advice from T.S. Eliot

"We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time."

~ T.S. Eliot

Four Quartets, "Little Gidding" (V)

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Have you reached the place of knowing? You may arrive there many times. What 'aha' has touched you recently? After moving across the country, I spent months in a state of inner wrangling. Like a cowgirl, I was rounding up the wayward cows and calves from the wide plains of self-definition. Finally, I arrived, all of me accounted for, and deeply understood 'I have arrived, I am home.' 

Eliot's verse also reminds me that, although our journey of self, and our journeys in relationship with others-- become dog-eared, rubbed thin, and greyed with age...they are still dear, if not a tad weary. Oh how we quest! Oh how we explore! 

Our frailties brought on by illness and mortality reset our awareness. Suddenly alert--like turning your car onto the home stretch, we look into the faces of loved ones and arrive at absolute knowing. You "arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time":  the essential love, the essence of love...and raw, breathtaking gratitude.

This absolute knowing can also mute all that is unessential during the hours of dying. Surely this is occurring in the higher consciousness--the soul of the one severing the silver thread. It may be a similarly graced occasion for persons at the bedside. If the opportunity arises, let the unessential be muted! 

At the end of life, we arrive where we started! 

What does this T.S. Eliot verse bring to your heart?

Thank you for caring!

Clutter Makes a Mess of Grief: How to Help!

Few people will admit that their possessions have crossed the line from "a little messy" to big problem. From time to time, we may all experience the problem--often in small doses:

• The tee shirt drawer doesn't quite close.
• The coat closet has no room for a visitor's jacket.
• It takes significant excavation to unearth the potato peeler from a tangle of kitchen tools.
• The garage workbench has lost its usefulness, covered with parts, packaging, and paraphernalia.

Fixing Small-Dose Clutter

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A small-dose clutter problem can be resolved in fifteen to thirty minutes, restoring functionality to a space. Common sense consigns the torn and broken to trash; goods that have fallen out of favor become a bag welcomed by a charity store. Some of us logon to craigslist or ebay and turn stuff into cash; freecycle facilitates a feel-good way to connect with someone in your community who can use what you no longer need (craigslist also has a "free stuff" category, and my household has enjoyed many grateful handshakes.)

Heavy Environments

Over the years, I've been in many homes bearing a lifetime's accumulated property. These environments bear a weight that exceeds the measurable:  

• A burden of confusion.
• An expense of duplication.
• The distress of indecision.
• The demand of nostalgia.

I have known people who's estate planning included diligently purging excess "to make it easier for my executors." And I have known folks who become infirm, look around their rooms packed with possessions and say, "the kids will sort it out." 

What is it like to die in a messy room?

No one comes back to complain, but Megory Anderson, founder of the Sacred Dying Foundation, encourages "establishing a sacred presence." She and her team offer many excellent resources for lay and professional use. In her free booklet of vigiling tips, De-clutter the bedside area is number 1! If you believe that death is not a medical event but a spiritual one, the simple practices that invoke honor, respect and sacredness are rich in love but trimmed of turmoil. During active dying, remove from the bed's radius those piles of medical and hygiene supplies, displaced household goods, and even beloved room decor that distracts and act like guy-wires holding tightly to the person who must detach and leave.

When grieving is literally 'a mess'

The time and process of sorting through the belongings of a loved one can be comforting and surprising. "I didn't know she still had that", "She really liked purses!" "Those cases of cereal in the basement are all expired." "Look what he stashed in the crawlspace." Understandably, we will all leave some degree of stuff to be dispersed or disposed of. The window of time to empty a room or residence can depend on a number of things:  policies of a skilled care facility, avoiding the cost of another month's rent, and whether a home will be sold or remain in the family. If your acquaintance with a survivor is familiar, consider offering assistance to sort, pack, and disperse property. 

Sympathetic support: a condolence 'gift'

It is imperative that your assistance be grounded in trust, and a plan of action that is acceptable to all legally responsible survivors. Marie Kondo, a Japanese organizing consultant and author of The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, and Spark Joy has some interesting tactics for decluttering that can certainly be applied to an entire home clean out.

1. Tackle categories, not rooms (focus reduces the burden)
2. Respect your belongings (take care of what you keep)
3. Nostalgia is a trap (time spent in reverie and sentimentality blur good judgment)
4. Dedicate efforts to the life of the decedent (express this out loud)
5. What you keep you must truly love ("like" or "useful" don't make the cut for a legacy item. See my post on Keepsakes)

Whether your assistance is presented first, in your condolence note or, in a later companionable visit, your offer qualifies as a remarkable condolence gift.

Thank you for caring!

Condolence to Caregivers

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Over the past thirty years, I have been a respite visitor for hospice patients; for a time, I represented a church as a sacramental minister to the homebound. There were many similarities between those roles. I listened, discovering that others, too, often find it’s easier to confide in someone other than family. Thoughts on mortality, the fear or welcome of death, or private regrets can create unnecessary tension or be hard for loved ones to bear. So confidences were sacred moments shared. I wasn’t there to judge and, at this stage of life, they were not looking for advice.  Physically weak, frequently unable to carry on conversation, the men and women I visited listened to a poem, greetings in cards on their window sill, excerpts from scripture or an inspirational book.

And it was okay to simply sit quietly together. If they desired it, I concluded my visit with their favorite prayer, adding a personal word or two, and always, a touch. My role did not have me tending to things like bedding, hygiene or feeding, but caregivers who have such vital roles blended their skills with mine for the dignity of the whole person.

Caregivers: A Remarkable Companion for a Difficult Journey

A difficult journey, author photo

Chances are, you have needed-- or know someone employing--a caregiver. The Companion Care agency notes that "very few families can sustain a demanding caregiving effort." They cite "an innate sense of selflessness and empathy" as the top characteristic of a good caregiver. Roxanne is one of these special people, and, though tired at the end of a 14 hour shift, she stopped to tell me about her vocation. As a private duty caregiver, Roxanne accepts assignments in hospitals, skilled nursing facilities and senior residences. Unlike shift workers who have many patients and many duties, Roxanne sits in her client's room and cares for their needs. Her work is truly a "calling." I asked her about end of life vigiling with her patients. "I've sat with people in their final days, hours and minutes; I call it 'delivery,'" she shared.

Grief is not reserved for family

If you have known a professional caregiver who made a difference in a loved one's quality of life, consider writing them a thanks-filled condolence note when their job has been completed. A dedicated caregiver is not immune to a sense of loss. Consider including thoughts on any of the following:

• Observations about their dedication and skill
• Positive comments expressed by the loved one
• Ways in which they eased your day
• Favorite memory of their interaction 

I also encourage you to keep the caregiver informed of funeral or memorial service arrangements. Participating in this form of farewell and acknowledgement of the whole person whom they served, is a very comforting and healing ritual. Give the caregiver the option to attend.

Caregivers, Covid-19 Pandemic, Recoveries and Farewells

This post was written long before Covid-19 shadowed our lives, but the principles noted here still apply. Whether you dub them "heroes" is your choice, but remember:

•  thank caregivers, 
• acknowledge their own emotional journey and, 
• consider inviting them to a virtual funeral or later memorial gathering.

Follow the link above, to read about virtual funerals.

Thank you for caring! 

Compassion and Condolence: Finding the Words to Walk Together

What is compassionate condolence?

It isn’t just about picking the right card… It is about stepping up as a messenger of support
when someone you know is facing one of life’s most uncomfortable occurrences-- DEATH--the loss of a loved one.

It is a time of great passion.

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The Buddhist nun and poet, Otagaki Rengetsu wrote of of our challenge in facing the death of someone dear:

"It is hardest to be the one left behind.”

I addressed acts of compassion in this poem:

To Gentle The Cheerless Corners

It is a sharp edged world we live in,

As if splinters and slashes stalk us

Like self-willed entities.

They set snare for us:  mean-spirited,

And intent on little tortures.

Always a quick wounding;

Instantly known and cursed,

Lifted to the lips,

Simply salved yet revisited with surprise-

A searing moment when cleansed or flexed.

In time, healed in flesh-

A faint pucker, pink halo.

To heal by the sword- cloaked and wary,

We remain blind and bleeding

From our own sharp edges.

To heal by grace-

Kind and caring,

We smooth the splintered plank,

Dull the point,

And gentle cheerless corners of

The sharp-edged world.

 Where do I begin?

Before you pick up a pen, you begin by connecting with feelings--the ones in your heart, not your head: good feelings...uncomfortable feelings…

I want to get into a heart-centric place because it is there that I won’t face internal censors and fears.
I will be honest and empathetic. Common fears about writing condolence are:

• I don’t want to trigger sadness
• I can’t make the pain go away
• I didn’t know my boss’s parent
• It was a miscarriage/stillbirth--isn’t that a private medical matter?
• The survivor and deceased weren’t on good terms
• I don’t know their religious practices
• Wasn’t sending flowers or money to a charity, enough?
• I don’t want to cross professional boundaries
• I’m too late

Put these fears aside; they are all surmountable. Follow the link of each fear, to the Coach's solution.

The heart-centric place

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The heart-centric place is like a slideshow:  of memories and moments for gratitude. Get inspired-- did you know the root of that word is to be IN SPIRIT?

Get out a pad of paper and pen and FOCUS a JOYFILLED and/or GRATEFUL SPOTLIGHT  on the deceased. You can also include thoughts about a caregiver or special person in their life. Just let it flow.

When you've filled up a page, you will have many thoughts to choose from in composing your compassionate condolence.

Thank you for caring!

Condolence When Your Coach Dies: Saying Thank you

The headline read:

Livonia Stevenson coaching icon Reardon passes away 

My thoughts went back to those 'Friday Night Lights' years. Those were the years of envying gymnastically-adept cheerleaders, and tongue-tied gazing at the player boy I had a crush on.

"Goodbye, Stevenson High"

My favorite memory of the football field was commencement on a hot June afternoon. Today's high schools rent fancy auditoriums so no one sweats:  boring! I have a crooked pinkie finger from catching a football wrong, but that was in the backyard. Still, I know one absolute:

Some coaches earn their icon status

Ed Wright, staff writer for Hometown Life newspapers' Livonia Observer, allowed me to share this January 21, 2015 tribute article with you:

A condolence note is a thank you

Here's how to write to the family of your coach:

1. Visit the funeral home website. Remember: even if you get your details from Facebook or another social media site, your goal is to write a note, not just leave a comment. You may learn more about the deceased. I learned that Coach Reardon served in the United States Army during the Korean conflict years; he was a widow and has a surviving daughter and grandkids.  
2. Make note of the funeral home mailing address. If you do not have or cannot obtain a home address for family, send your note to the funeral home.
3. Jot down memories. This is the heart of your condolence note.
4. Consider and share life-shaping moments. How has the coach impacted your values, your life direction, your problem-solving or people skills?
5. Acknowledge that the loss of this special person must be painful.
6. Is there a way you can (or do) "pay it forward"?

Thank you for caring!

Final Conversations: Helping the dying transition from this world

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Although entering hospice is a time focused on urgent and immediate needs like symptom management, once the stresses associated with admission abate, more person-centric conversations can take place. They are always meaningful.

The Condolence Coach encourages you to be open to opportunities for these final conversations:

• Speak with the dying person.
• If you have a friend with a dying family member, you can plant the same seeds of reflection, by "wondering out loud":
• "Do you think your mother has any last wishes?"
• "I'd like to tell her how much I appreciated being invited to stay for supper when we'd play after school."
• "Would you like us to sing the old Christmas carol duet to her?"

Talking about life accomplishments is an important source of validation and peace.

Arbor Hospice social worker Rebecca Faszcza, MSW, explained:

“I try to encourage discussion about the patient’s life satisfactions and achievements. Establishing a rapport can begin as simply as asking, ‘Tell me about yourself, have you always lived in this area? What did you do for a living? (and if age appropriate) What have you enjoyed in your retirement?’

It is so rewarding when I can facilitate contented reflections for the patient, and deepen the admiration and understanding of their family. Recently, a patient opened up with fond boyhood memories of his parents. He gratefully remarked, ‘It’s so good to remember those times.’ His family delighted in stories of their heritage, saying, ‘Wow- you never told us that!’”

No matter how old we are, acknowledgement feeds our spirit. 

Say it while you can.

• “You started out with a saw and a hammer, and now the construction company has 80 employees!”
• “We’re so proud that you were a ‘Rosie Riveter’ during the war years.”
• “You raised us by yourself and never complained.”

Talking about things left undone may reveal something important.

Some things--like projects or paperwork, can be satisfied by a work session with note taking, sketching a diagram, bringing documents to a bedside and listening attentively!

• “I never got around to finishing that wiring in the attic.”

• “I hid some savings bonds in the bottom of my sewing basket.”
• “I never told you this, but …”

Talking about hopes for special experiences can be part of the end of life journey, too.

Have you asked any of your loved ones if they have a bucket list? A bucket list states actions and experiences sought before death. It may be committed to memory or paper, composed thoughtfully or on a whim. Social worker, Rebecca, likes to help patients honestly face life’s loose threads...and sometimes, there’s a way to weave them to completion.

“If they express a dream to do something that is now out of reach, I might say ‘there’s no fix for that,’ but encourage them to talk more about it, learn about it with movies, pictures, the internet. What’s most beneficial is getting it off your chest by talking about it. Patients really relax and even enjoy the ‘armchair traveler’ experience.”

• “I thought about riding a motorcycle cross country.”

• “I always wanted to touch an elephant.”
• “I wanted to take a hot air balloon ride.”

These conversations should be light, prompt laughter and imaginative musing. Pull out your computer and show your loved one some YouTube videos of those bucket list adventures.

Adults have dreams, too. 

While children in hospice are often treated to wonderful experiences through Make-A-Wish interventions, Rebecca understands that adults may have a longing for a final visit with someone.

“Many times, a terminally ill patient just wants to see out-of-state family. If physical circumstances allow it, we encourage them-with family help--to make the trip. I will coordinate with a hospice at their destination, to ensure they have support in case of an emergency. And when he or she returns will photos and lots of good memories, they are in a peaceful place.”

If a longing to see distant relatives cannot be physically managed, consider setting up video chat sessions with Skype (for Windows or Android) or FaceTime (for Mac or iPhone).

Tweak the timeline of a special occasion.

Arbor Hospice Lead Spiritual Care Coordinator, Chaplain Diane Smith, has frequently officiated at bedside wedding ceremonies. Though unofficial, the ritual enables a beloved family member to witness a milestone moment. “I support their hopes and ideas. Family cooperation is great: one bride bought a special dress, a violin was played, and mom brought and served cake.”

Is there a final conversation you can have with someone, today?


Remember that sending a note to a terminally ill person is also an option. The Condolence Coach addresses what to say in this post.

Thank you for caring!

Creative Condolence: A Life Story In 15 Songs

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Just beyond the rim of my soup bowl lay an issue of Rolling Stone magazine. Perusing the story titles listed on the cover, 'JACKSON BROWNE My Life In 15 Songs' caught my attention and imagination. The 66 year old singer songwriter likely has many more creative years ahead, but he embraced Senior Writer, David Fricke's invitation to examine a career that began with his 1972 debut album, Jackson Browne. I am the Condolence Coach, so naturally, I wondered:

Can you tell a life story in 15 songs?

Step One:  Create a LIFETRACK.

A very important part of funeral gatherings is celebrating the life lived. Important healing takes place in recounting:

• a summation of the family tree
• anecdotal stories
• life turning points
• military and community service
• achievements
• hobbies and favorite things
• travels and other adventures
• impact and influence on others

I was reminded of the dozens of life avenues that should be examined by glancing through the excellent book, ObitKit A Guide to Celebrating Your Life by Susan Soper. Every family should have--and use--an ObitKit book.

A Lifetrack should be written; whether you use the fill-in-the-blank book format of the ObitKit, a spreadsheet, or a pad of paper, organize your thoughts. Be warned: you may need to do some digging (research.) What was dad's mother's maiden name? Find a birth certificate. What did dad do in the Navy? Find his DD-214 discharge documents.

This recounting is often the basis of photo slideshows.

Photo montages are a very popular feature at visitations and funeral services. These may be prepared professionally by online or local vendors, or assembled by a funeral home using video tribute software. Most often, I find that a family member is drawn to tackle the project. After many hours of scanning old photos and downloading digital assets to their home computer, the memorial slideshow is burned to DVD or sent to a USB stick. Sometimes there is a soundtrack but often, there is not. Which brings us to those 15 songs...

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Every life has a soundtrack.

Step Two:  Create a SOUNDTRACK.

Armed with a Lifetrack, it's time to make a SOUNDTRACK. I have nothing against the cultural influence of the wonderful music recorded by Bette Midler, but I have heard The Wind Beneath My Wings, too many times. I'm also getting a little weary of Glenn Miller's String of Pearls and The Andrew Sisters' Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. But if these songs were expressed favorites, go ahead and include them.

Step Three:  Creative Condolence: A Life Story in 15 Songs

Is this a condolence note or a music mix? How about both?

A. Giftable Media- a Music Keepsake

If you have the ability to assemble the Life Story in 15 Songs' audio files--the delivery format is wide open--it is sure to enhance your condolence note. But be sure that the recipient has the playback ability; not everyone can stream music, play what you burned, or know which button to press. Consider eliminating hurdles by making a date to meet and, using your device, enjoy the Soundtrack together.

B. Creative Condolence Note

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Here is where your core skills as a condolence writer are meant to blossom. After the extensive effort of steps one, two, and three-A., your heart and mind are full. Sit down and slowly release the admiration and affection to paper.

• Express your sense of loss.
• Explain your motivation to create A Life Story in 15 Songs
• Write out your playlist.
• Explain your choice of each song. A sentence, a brief story, are sufficient.
• If appropriate, state that you will contact the recipient to schedule a visit for sharing the Soundtrack. (Don't forget to make that call, soon after your note's likely arrival.)

RESOURCES:
The ObitKit was first introduced to readers in my post: Curb Your Enthusiasm? Not In My Condolence!

Share this post with a friend, and thank you for caring!

3 Adopted Bucket Lists: Do's and Don'ts

This spring, I read a story about a young woman who decided to finish her Grandma's bucket list. 

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Does this happen often? I wondered. Increasingly so! 

Embracing the bucket lists of others provides 'instant life purpose' and a unique form of tribute. Some orphaned bucket lists 'trend' on social media and are fulfilled many times over.

Curb Your Enthusiasm? Not in my condolence!

I was recently asked to take an exclamation point off of an obituary sentence. 

The family had written and emailed me their dad's obituary to be used on the funeral home website. I routinely apply certain formatting to ensure that arrangement details are easily understood. I also tweak grammar, spelling, sentence structure and redundancies because 99% of the time, families ask me to save them embarrassment by polishing their under-stress composition.

Statue at Omaha Beach, Normandy, France
by Mark Lawson, unsplash 

Here was a profile of a remarkable man! Orphaned, eager to enlist for wartime duty, he fibbed on some facts and, served courageously in Normandy, before the age of 18. He sustained injuries and was awarded a Purple Heart.
It was a pulse-quickening read--the kind that becomes a great movie--volleys of exclamation marks were firing in my brain. I added one exclamation mark to the story and posted the obituary to the website.

A short time later, the phone call came:  "Please remove that exclamation mark."

I confessed my enthusiasm, but complied, and it took awhile to shake off the cold water that was thrown on my zealous respect for this man.

I firmly believe that our memories are richest when they have !!!! -- that is the great blessing of a life well lived.

Around the time of that encounter, I discovered a true champion of obituaries. Susan Soper, a career journalist, states:

"You are unique, and so is your story. You don't have to be rich and famous to have tales to tell."

Susan transformed her passion for life stories into a guide for everyone: the ObitKit.  Writing a memoir is daunting work but this easy to use book interviews your loved one. It is intended to be used by a family before death shuts the door on asking questions! I encourage readers to visit Susan's site.

Obituaries and condolence notes are vitally connected!

Whenever possible, track down and read the obituary of the deceased, before writing your note. When you make a habit of this, you will become a connoisseur of those which are beautifully written, but more importantly, you will gain numerous facts for written reflection.

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I challenge you to read five newspaper death notices and or obituaries...and write a sentence or two for each one. Do this exercise with lean (little information) and lush obituaries. Your remarks can be:

• sorrowful
• appreciative
• admiring
• remembering
• connecting generations

Yes, it is challenging to make observations from a lean death notice, but it can be done. You may need to postpone your note until you have had an insightful conversation, viewed photos, attended a memorial gathering or service. I address these methods in my post, Don't Rush Your Condolence.

Thanks for caring and sharing! 

Dear Frank, I'm Sorry You Died: Writing to the Deceased

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When a person whom we loved, appreciated, enjoyed the company of-- dies, a relationship is suddenly severed.

We may remember our last encounter and conversation:  He'd been feeling poorly, so I took him some chili and put it in a saucepan to warm. He gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and said, 'Thanks, Helen. You're the best.' A few days later, I got the call that he'd died in his sleep.

So, you never got to ask him how he liked the chili (and your Tupperware is still in his sink.) You wanted to tell him that his suggestion to plant lavender in that hot patch of yard, worked out beautifully. Thank him for letting your cat relax under his RV on hot summer days; and apologize for gloating when you won that last game of euchre. But mostly, you wanted to tell him, again, he'd been a wonderful neighbor and friend.

The condolence coach says:  Go ahead and tell him.

Why not write a note to your late, great friend? 

I see guest book entries at the funeral home website such as this:  

  "Eddie, you were always a great guy to be around. I know we will meet again down the road. Best wishes to your family. It was a honor to have worked with you."  

Placing extra pages in the register book, I overheard two men talking. One referred to his wife who had died four years ago: "She loved to hunt and fish ... she was beautiful!" I interrupted the speaker to say with a smile, "She's listening!"

He returned my smile, peacefully remarking:

"I talk to her every day."

Readers may recall the Condolence Coach writing about memorial poems that use the voice of the dead. In his poem, All Is Well, Henry Scott Holland penned the line, "I have only slipped away into the next room." I counseled against giving this type of poem to the grieving, and I cited a Condolence Coach Rule:

Do not give advice; do not cajole the grieving to 'move on;' do not share your belief system's answer on what happens after death.

The note you will write to your deceased friend may be sent to the family member of your choice. Begin the note by 'setting the stage for your monologue' with one of these elements:

• "I am very sorry for your loss. [Name] was such a good friend [or other relationship term]. If I had one more chance to speak to [him/her] I would say..."

• "Thank you for inviting me to all those cookouts and family gatherings, where I got to know your wonderful [dad, mom, brother, etc.] [Name]influenced me in so many ways, and helped me to ______.  If I had one more chance to speak to [him/her] I would say..."

In summary, the structure of your note should flow with these elements:

1. Acknowledge the grieving family's loss and/or express appreciation for a personal quality.
2. 'Speak' to the decedent.
3. (optional element) Comment on the value of the memories you have.
4. Conclude with a sincere wish for the family's comfort and peace.

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One important footnote to this topic!
If you have "stormy", negative feelings or bad memories about the deceased, the Condolence Coach suggests you express yourself freely with a close friend, or in a journal. Though born of heartfelt experience, those feelings do not belong in your note to the family, as this may be hurtful.

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Laughing Condolence: When Life Overflows, Share A Story

I've told readers before about my delight in accidently pouring a beverage to overflowing. Watching the liquid cascade over the brim is very therapeutic.

I am reminded that, at times, life overflows. 

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I suppose I'd save a few paper towels by observing a fountain--especially one with a satisfying spill. At the funeral home, my heart is warmed to see a circle of chairs drawn together, and stories being shared. Laughter spills from the room and it is good. It might be the younger generation swapping stories about Grandpa's girlie poster in the garage. It might be the adult children remembering Dad's standard reaction every time they had to tell him something was broken.

This is a gathering of “The Walking Wounded”

When you are one of the walking wounded, coping with the death of a person you've loved and enjoyed, hurts. Telling (and listening to) stories is a balm. 

Many years ago, I had a wonderful friendship with a gentleman I met at church. We got in the habit of having breakfast after the service; I'd show him how to peel a grapefruit, and he'd promise perfect toast from homemade bread. Leo smoothly maneuvered his scooter over to the counter, ready for the slices to pop up. A fifty year age difference made no difference. 

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The most remarkable thing about our friendship was its focus on the moment. We didn't exchange much personal history, preferring the vitality of the present:  days of fun--or funny incidents--were dubbed 'Holy Days.' We'd muse on a line from a hymn, or scripture, or a joke: 'Said the ink spot to the paper:  my dad is in the pen awaiting sentence.' From time to time we’d exchange letters by mail. It was an uncomplicated but precious camaradie.  

When Leo suddenly lapsed into a coma, his family graciously invited me to sit with him during what became his final hours. When he died, my first anguished thought was, “Who will love me like Leo?” At the vigil gathering, I was reminded that his death had left a gap for many.  That evening, laughter softened the hurt, as stories and memories were shared. 

A few days later, I wrote a condolence note to one of his adult sons, knowing it would be my expression to the entire family. The notecard I selected depicted a young child sitting amidst the lion and the lamb, an image of the peaceable kingdom described in the Bible’s Book of Isaiah. To me, Leo was the “peaceable kingdom,” and he made me feel like one of its princesses. Because my life had overflowed with something wonderful, I shared a funny breakfast story. It was a Laughing Condolence.

The Condolence Coach recognizes that, for some cultures, the room should be quiet.

I have served vigil gatherings where a large circle of chairs is utilized, but the silence is broken only by murmurs and possibly, low tones of 'angelic' music playing on the sound system. A quiet vigil provides a different type of support and contemplation of the deceased's life. This does not preclude a later condolence note containing a funny story. If you had a special relationship, your good judgement will guide you.

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Sending Condolence to Clients, Customers, Colleagues

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At the funeral home, it is common to receive floral arrangements from businesses. Occasionally, flowers arrive from doctors and medical practices.

While flowers are thoughtful and appreciated courtesies, can more be expressed to the family of your deceased clients and customers?

Business professionals may wonder...

• He was a great customer but I didn't know much about him.
• We used her catering service frequently, but I don't have his family's address.
• I do her bookkeeping and tax preparation, but I wouldn't want to breach confidentiality.
• We met networking; as a realtor, I'd love to have the listing if his wife wants to sell.
• It was hard to watch him decline, so I'll just leave them in peace.

The Condolence Coach posed these concerns to Dan West, President and CEO of the Livonia Chamber of Commerce. Although Dan is a champion for business, he links their success to active relationships with the community, its schools and the families of all concerned. 

He has attended many services, and observes, "Funerals are a deeply emotional and personal matter for the people involved, and that must be respected."  

While Dan values networking, he advises that condolence notes reflect "a personal relationship you have to the [deceased] person."  You should "sign cards and notes with your name, not that of the company."
He continues, "When writing such a note, keep the message simple and concise. No lecturing, no sermons, just a quick expression of condolences and let the person know you are thinking about them."

The Condolence Coach suggests that you mention a quality of the deceased which you appreciated or admired... 

cheerful  prompt  organized  team spirit  creative  skilled  funny  patient  optimistic  friendly  good memory  kind  hard worker  disciplined caring generous  dependable

Dan is firmly against using a death as a prospecting opportunity:  "It's tacky." 

The Condolence Coach urges you avoid the stance of 'leaving the grieving in peace.'  It is rarely the best choice. If you can draw upon a personal connection, do so. It matters.

To read other posts discussing leaders, authorities, professions and condolence, please see these posts:
Doctors & Medical Practitioners: Charting Final Thoughts with Condolence
Ithaca College President Reaches Out With Condolence
POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

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The View from Downward Dog: Little Observations

It is easy to be daunted by the pending task of writing a condolence note:

• you want to comfort
• you want to sound wise and
• you want to create a caring surprise

I took my yoga mat out to the patio this morning. Yesterday's heavy rains had brought down bud casings, catkins, and blossom cups, but I swept a swath clear on the damp stones and unfurled the spring green length.

The sun was midway on its path to noon, filtering through branches and young leaves of cherry, maple, and sassafras.

The freshness thrilled me.

Bending to downward dog, the humidity gave my bare feet extra purchase on the vinyl and comforted my lungs with a gentle rime of moisture.

That is when I was reminded that little observations are often the most dear.

Little Observations

These are the elements of a memorable condolence note:

• you want to comfort:  Perhaps you noticed that during the illness, your caregiving friend greeted her Mother with a gentle kiss on the cheek and a weekly vase of fresh flowers; a husband painted his wife's toenails so they'd be pretty as she lay in bed...
• you want to sound wise:  Perhaps the life of the deceased reminds you of something in nature: tides, trees, flowers; or reflect on a photo displayed at the funeral home ... 
• you want to create a caring surprise:  Perhaps you would like to plant, create, donate for a memorial keepsake; or prepare some yummy casseroles for the family freezer...

In our busy world, taking the time to notice is deeply rewarding.
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