Grow Up! The Condolence Basics You Need Now. Part 1

Grow Up! 

How many times did you hear that before you were 25? Are you still hearing it in your 30's or 40's? If so, someone is trying to persuade you toward mature choices. "Grow up!" is a verbal face slap, taking you by the figurative shoulders for a shake and command: it's time to think of somebody other than yourself.  "But I do think of others!"  you protest. The Condolence Coach agrees and believes you are trying, but...

If you're stalled on the playground plateau of just playing nicely, mastering condolence skills will launch you off the swings and onto solid grown-up ground.

[Author photo]

This post reaches into the Condolence Note Coach archives to quickly deliver the basics you need now. Clicking on the post link will flesh out the concept, but if you need a 5 minute crash course, here it is.

1. Beyond 'I'm Sorry'  You can't change the circumstances facing your friend, co-worker, neighbor, cousin or client...but there is an additional way to communicate sympathy long after the loss:  a memorable condolence note.  


2. FAQ's  It is never too late to send a note. Never. The death remains a fact in your [friend or] co-worker's life and, in a year's time, the stream of sympathies has likely dried up. Your note will be a gift. Don't Rush Your Condolence Note  Waiting can enhance the note you will write…as you have opportunities to gather a little information, view photos, hear stories.

3. To Have Another Birthday is a Privilege  We are powerless over the loss and subsequent pain, but saying "I'm sorry" and applying a sincere hug or handshake is an act you DO have power over. You have the power to express that you care.

4. In A Better Place  It is never appropriate for you to offer a platitude such as "she's in a better place." But if the grieving express this to you, a lovely reply might be:  "I'm glad that is a comfort to you."

5. Death Doesn't Take a Holiday  Can sympathy be commingled with seasonal greetings during holidays and other special days? It can’t.  Should traditional messages be set aside? Yes.

6. Condolence After a Suicide  Survivors of suicide [family of the deceased] have great need of compassionate, non-judgmental words. Acknowledge a normal life, once lived: share a memory or tell a kind story.

7.  When Children Die
A good condolence acknowledges the pain and offers to listen. The note says that you are praying for comfort, but does not tell the recipient to. You pen a sweet memory and hope to hear some of theirs. Grow in awareness and sensitivity: do some reading about the grief experiences of parents.

8. When a Pet Dies  DO NOT ask when they will get another pet. Period. 

9. Supporting Grieving Teens  Journaling or writing poetry is one of the most widely suggested tools for teens to process grief. Consider a “condolence gift” of a blank book or journal. Write a question on the first page, like: "How did you feel when you heard the news?"

 10.  Supporting Someone with a Terminal Illness  Remember this: until you are dead, you are alive.  Recognize the life, the day-by-day simple moments of the person you write to. Embrace the opportunity to say thank you, to ask for a story, to appreciate a sunrise, a funny pet, a song.

So, did you notice that writing condolence is about supporting survivors? The Coach invites you to read The Mourners Bill of Rights   One of the grown-up skills you are adopting is COMPASSION. Living compassionately, daily, is a standout characteristic. You will be astonished by how it changes you!

Thank you for caring!

Responding to Tragedy: A Million Pieces of Grief

Explosive grief

Mitzi Cowell, Facebook

I was enjoying Tucson's Smart Blues guitarist Mitzi Cowell, when these lyrics grabbed me:

"Sometimes I feel like I've been blown into a million pieces, and every once in a while, I find one."

There is a long list of events and situations that have such explosive power; grief can certainly be one of them. When the familiar explodes apart by a sudden tragic event, the early moments vibrate with absolute change.

Consider this apt description by Kirsti M. Dyer, M.D.,M.S. on her website Journey of Hearts:

"A sudden tragic event shatters our sense of order and thrusts us into a world forever changed. Survivors of sudden loss may experience a greater sense of vulnerability and heightened anxiety. The safe world we once knew, no longer exists. We fear for ourselves, our family and friends. Survivors can become overwhelmingly preoccupied with thoughts that such a random act of violence might happen again."  [Source]

We may see tragedy on an intimate scale--someone you know commits suicide; and again on break-the-scale proportions of terrorist acts.

Condolence after terrorism

I was recently asked, "I feel badly about the Brussels bombings, but who should I write to?"
I advised that, if you do not have a personal connection with someone stricken by the tragedy, you may, after a little research, send words of support to an aid organization actively responding to the affected community. The condolence response for a tragedy that shakes the world can also take on symbolic proportions:

• Performing acts of kindness or peacemaking where you live or work.
• Sending a donation of goods or money to a relief organization.
• Add your voice to social media campaigns that denounce violence, promote conflict resolution, or improve lives.

However you respond, respect the power of your own voice; speak (or write) from your heart. Be true to your outrage, sadness, despair...and desire to drive change. This is the nature of a truly compassionate response:  sharing your impassioned self with others.

Hope and recovery

Mitzi Cowell's lyrics include the beacon of hope, "every once in a while, I find one [a piece.]" The recovery of the familiar, piece by piece, is often a startling, bittersweet experience. The piece may have its original proportions, but recovery has embedded new lenses on the eyes of the grieving person. Nothing will ever be the same, yet the found piece "fertilizes" the soul, feeding growth, allowing a scar to toughen the once-raw wound. What can you do to nurture hope?

• Share good memories of when things were "in one piece":  a story, a thought, an old photo, a song
• Encourage expression: be a listener, give a condolence gift such as a journal, or art supplies for a memory box
• Offer time honored symbols of hope: a plant or sapling, seeds for a garden, a candle, images of a butterfly or sunrise
• Stay in touch:  a person recovering from tragedy must walk a long road--most of it alone because companions tire and drop off. You don't have to be a saint or a social worker, but be the person who stays in touch with an occasional note or email, a shared cup of coffee, a thinking-of-you item left at a front door or office desk.

Thank you for caring!

Please Don't Ask Me How My Son Died

2014 National Military Survivor Seminar

Readers may remember my introduction to 

TAPS.org

I explained the compassionate condolence policy enacted by President Barack Obama in 2011. In POTUS Does It And So Should You we explored the importance of reversing a long standing Department of Defense dictum of not sending condolence to families if their deployed soldier committed suicide. 

But the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors is dedicated to caring for the families of fallen heroes who died under any circumstance:

"They all thought their loved one would return home from a military assignment. Instead, their worst nightmare came true... We welcome into TAPS anyone who is grieving the death of someone who died in the military - so our families have experienced loss in a variety of ways - from combat, suicide, terrorism, homicide, negligence, accidents, and illness. Our survivors include mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, fiances and other relatives of those who have died." TAPS.org

This remarkable poem was first published on the TAPS Blog, on August 6, 2014.  Written by Karen Mojecki, mother and survivor of a beloved son serving in the United States Army, it raises awareness like nothing the Condolence Coach could write.

Please Don't Ask Me How My Son Died

Please don't ask me how my son died

His mode of death is not germane

He died while serving and defending….

Our way of life and liberty

He was upholding Army values

Of honor…commitment…integrity…

Your question rewinds my journey

To the "knock" on my front door

Two officers wearing uniforms

Were waiting on our porch

Their message was not wanted

They spoke those dreaded words

This son I had once sheltered…

I was not able to protect...

It hurts for me to think about

His pain, his wounds, his death

The grief begins again anew,

When someone asks me how he died

I do not want to name the projectile

That was the cause of his demise

Or how the medics tried to save him

Before he breathed his last -- and died

Perhaps others can recount those facts

I find them too horrid to describe

So please don't ask me how he died….

And replay that moment once again

Understand this painful journey

With compassion in your heart

Those final minutes were just a fraction

Of a unique and greater life

If you want to know about my son

His traits, his values, his loves

Then listen as I remember

And help me to celebrate

The life of this exceptional man

And exactly how he lived!

+++

2014 Good Grief Camp for young survivors

Karen's request that we "not ask" about death circumstances is excellent advice. Being supportive is simple: just be present to the bereaved. If you are around when a thought or story or tears flow, just be there. Truly, that is enough. 

I know a military mom who lost her son, and whenever I've been in her company, she talks with pride about all the people his life crossed paths with, and how much he was loved. She has had those "circumstance" conversations--with the military, with the medical examiner, with her surviving children. That's enough for her lifetime, don't you think?

This is strong validation for the use of good memories and pleasant stories in our condolence notes. 

Refresh your thoughts on these condolence writing topics:

POTUS Does It and So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

Keys to Comfort Explained  (sharing a memory )

Replacing Painful Memories With Good

Share this post with a friend, and thanks for caring!

POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

We look to leaders for direction, strategy and goals, project reviews and (dis)approvals. Sometimes, our leaders provide inspiration ... and sometimes they are called upon to provide sympathy. It is not a task to be delegated, as the President of the United States (POTUS) recognizes.

The circumstance of the loss--even suicide, does not discount the need for sympathy.

In 2011, President Barack Obama reversed a long-standing Department of Defense policy of not sending condolence to families of soldiers who commit suicide during deployment. To remove the stigma associated with the unseen wounds of war, the President set the example of staying with the core concepts of why we write condolence notes: