Acupuncture for Grief Support? Yes!

 The first two weeks after my husband died was a rough road 

Photo used with permission,
Wesley Tingey, unsplash.com

I cried, cleaned, practiced yoga, yelled, journaled, read grief lit, collected condolences, went to the mortuary for the cremation ashes and talked to my new form of husband: a box. I framed photos, filled bags for a Salvation Army men's shelter, googled 'widow', wore his flannel shirt, sat in his chair and asked: 'what the heck just happened?' and 'did I rush the hospice thing?' Then I played one of his jazz CDs and had a panic attack...I did most of those things over again a few times and then...

...I had the inspiration to book an acupuncture session for grief. That's right: acupuncture is not just for allegies, arthritis, and pain. In fact, the history and uses of this component of Traditional Chinese Medicine go back to ancient times. Most communities have a number of acupuncture providers and I gained some familiarity with it when my husband used this therapy to relieve disease symptoms. Clearly, I longed for some emotional traction on this rugged track.

I was relieved that the acupuncturist was not surprised by my treatment request; Cera had deep professional experience and put me at ease in her calming suite. I was face down and needle-tingling from head to feet when a lilting instrumental rendition of "On Eagles Wings" began playing. The release of tears and tension poured out of me, softening the pain of my new reality with love, peace, and trust. 

The reboot

Dr. Chen of the Chenzen Wellness Center likens acupuncture to rebooting your computer. He explains: "When you have an acupuncture session with a holistic approach, your body has done a reset of the entire energy system. It would relax your muscles and lower the stress hormones and even slow down your breath."

Grieving people may easily have tearful moments, but the 'easy' tears are often a response to incidental frustrations or loneliness, and easy tears often leave a person feeling drained. Chen describes the cathartic nature of acupuncture as restoring a "neutral state." That is how I feel after any acupuncture: calm and neutral.

Photo by Caitlin Wynne on Unsplash

 "As suppressed emotions are merged to the surface and the heavy lid of the emotion container has melted away by the acupuncture, I have seen patients who cried for hours after acupuncture. Some said it was so satisfying to be able to express emotions openly like a kid again. The suppressed emotional stress in the body is similar to the pressure inside a volcano. After an eruption, it would return to a dormant stage. Just  try to be a 5-years old yourself, to express your feelings openly which allows you to return to an emotionally neutral state."  - Dr. Qiang Chen

Concluding the face-up portion of my treatment, Cera lifted the white sheet to remove needles; we both marveled that, at the location of the sternum needle, a small red heart of blood had been released onto the cloth. 💔

My return home did not signal a Grief Graduation---most of us know that's a silly idea; but the support was real and I felt strengthened. A couple months later, I went for a second session; because I was feeling more stable, it was comforting, calming, drama-free. Both grief and muscles improve with slow, steady attention; one day in the future you'll do something and say 'that didn't hurt like I thought it would.' 

If you are a friend to a grieving person

You may mention: "I just read about someone who got some grief support with acupuncture."  Just as you do not give unsolicited advice or make judgments about your friend's decisions, let your comment sink in or dissolve. It's your friend's grief journey and they will make their own choices, in their own time.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

To review a summary of posts and links on being widowed, click here:

Widowed 101

Grief and Condolence During the Holidays

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This is the darkest day of the year... 

according to astrophysical data; the winter solstice brings sunrise later and sunset sooner. For someone grieving, that's nothing new. 

And it doesn't need to be "new" grief to feel acute at this time of year. Holiday seasons are known to trigger sentimental longings in general, and very painful longings for loved ones (and pets) who are no longer in our physical world.

If you are compassionately leaning toward others who are struggling during these days of holiday songs, decorations, gaiety, and celebration rituals, here are some helpful ideas from some of my past posts.

If you are grieving---newly or seasonally, these and other posts may be helpful. You can use the keyword search to find many more supportive posts, including posts about specific types of loss.

Gifts For Someone Grieving

Condolence During the Holidays

Nan Zastrow's 8 Steps to Tame the Holiday Blues

Supporting Grieving Teens

Compassion for Pet Loss

Surprise: I Thought I Was Past Grieving

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Time Management After A Loss: Average Days Are Good!

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We all strive--or hope and pray for daily equilibrium but in truth, life can be like corn popping --

challenging us to adapt, respond, navigate. We can be quite amazing in how much we juggle, how we steady ourselves with humor, gratitude, love, and dedication. 

Weighty Days

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Living with grief has enough "weight" attached to it that a person can truly feel in an altered state.  Whether one is coming down from the intensity of caregiving, or coping with sudden changes and stresses in financial security and family matters, ADAPTING, RESPONDING, and NAVIGATING don't come as easily now. At times, we can't see the crack of light under the weight. For most of us, time and a support system enable us to recover--growing stronger and more steady as we regain equilibrium.

I'll take average!

Visiting patients on hospice at a local care facility, my presence as a friendly listener relieves monotony and loneliness. During a recent visit with a 93 year old man I'll call "Dustin," I was both enlightened and delighted by an unintentional pearl of wisdom. The conversation went like this:

"How's your day going, Dustin?"

"Uh, some of it hasn't been easy, but some has been good. I guess it's been average."

"Average? Wow--like finding the average among numbers. I like that, Dustin! Difficult plus good averages out to an average day. Not much wrong with that."

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While my enthusiasm far surpassed his, Dustin acknowledged me with a slight smile, focusing on drawing oxygen from the nasal cannula.  "Average" has had a bad rap as underachieving, compromising, pathetic. I propose we see average as harmonizing, accepting, stable. When you are on a river, "going with the flow" sums up a current that may have rocks and floating debris, as well as leaping fish and turtles on logs. It averages out well.

Dustin's remark stands out as a tremendous way to cope with the great swings that occur during grieving. If I can AVERAGE the dark or sad moments with the lift I feel at seeing new blooms and a bird at the feeder; the comfort of a friend's compassionate call; the coziness of wearing a loved one's hoodie... 

I can average out the day's moments and feel hope on this journey...one hill, one day at a time.

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

TB or not TB: Volunteering for a hospice

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Courage? Not Necessarily. Encourage? Yes!

 I have been volunteering with hospices for thirty+ years. Last year, I prepared a resume of my experience and was gratified by not only the enduring commitment to this work, but how far I've come in understanding its nuances. It is such rewarding work because it courageously embraces the most powerful reality of life:  our human form will reach an end point or as some term it-- a passage of transition to being without a body. Just being present to someone in the terminal phase of life and then, their active dying phase, feels sacred.

 

Passive and Active Encouragement

Honestly, I don't think 'courage' is required to be a hospice volunteer; instead, your gift is serving as a presence (listening, holding a hand, vigiling,)  and while these are forms of passive encouragement, you may recognize a need for active encouragement. Both forms of encouragement can occur whether the patient is conscious or unconscious.  When appropriate (determined by your skills of observation and intuition,) I believe a hospice volunteer is truly effective to:

Actively Encourage the person who is dying that...

• their life has been unfolding exactly as it needed to.
• they did the best they could with what they had.
• their legacy is principally about love and kindness; money and stuff are secondary.
• they can make peace with unresolved issues by simply doing so in their heart.
• it is now time to let go of this world, but they are not alone as they do so.
• the 'other side' awaits them.

Your Role with Family

A hospice volunteer often has contact with family--be it a spouse, partner, or adult child. Here again, your gift is serving as a presence: providing a respite, listening non judgmentally, quietly companioning during a vigil. Sometimes you will recognize the family member's need for active encouragement and then, keep it caring but simple. You may coach them on what is happening in the dying process with their loved one, but you are not there to counsel or give life advise. Let your heart, spirit and experience lead the way. 

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Here are ways I believe a hospice volunteer is truly effective in active encouraging:

Encourage the survivors that...

Even when we don't understand its timing, the circle of life ends.

Even if it sometimes appeared terribly difficult, their loved one lived the best they could with what they had.

During the dying process they can find peace with spoken words or a hand held; later, choosing heartfelt peace unfolds with forgiveness, acceptance, letting go.

The 'other side' awaits their loved one.

If you hear of specific concerns for a survivor's future--be it funeral arrangements, family or life matters, please pass that observation on to the hospice chaplain, social worker or bereavement support coordinator. Just say: "I think one of our hospice staff can help with that; I'll let them know."

Encouragement when you work in bereavement support

• death under tragic circumstances changes all survivors: give yourself time to grow into and past the crippling pain by reaching out for strength. It's available through support groups, counseling, clergy and spiritual care, online forums and activist groups.
• the legacy of a loved one has already been given; in time, you will find it in your heart.
• grieving is a personal journey--a nonlinear and fluctuating process of your own making and timing.
• allow yourself space, time, privacy to feel the power of this shared love, grieve its physical conclusion, and trust that in time, life will find a new equilibrium.

Before you begin service as a hospice volunteer

Be assured that you are needed! Volunteers fill essential roles and bring a unique dedication, often with a personal history and sensitivity to needs. It is suggested that you be at least one year beyond a significant personal loss before placing yourself in this type of volunteer role; the volunteer coordinator will probably ask about this. Volunteering in almost any human services setting may require annual testing for tuberculosis (TB) with a simple skin test. The Mayo Clinic notes:

 "Tuberculosis (TB) is a potentially serious infectious disease that mainly affects the lungs. The bacteria that cause tuberculosis are spread from person to person through tiny droplets released into the air via coughs and sneezes."  

So it is a mutual safeguard, along the lines of other Universal Precautions (such as thorough and frequent hand washing, use of mask and gloves at times,) necessary in patient care settings. 

Expect paperwork! 

A reputable organization will require an application, background check, and/or

 references. With the reality of Covid 19, your vaccination status and documentation will be requested. Annual flu shots may be recommended but may not be mandatory for the organization. You'll be asked for a recent photo so that a photo identification badge can be made. 

Expect your own questioning, a sense of wonder, surprise, and even fear. Accept that dying and death are cloaked in profound mystery, almost beyond comprehension; but hold faith in its universality and the fact that humans crave love and companionship-- even when we vehemently express the opposite! To find a volunteer role with hospice, simply search "hospices near me", click on sites' volunteer tab, and consider calling the volunteer coordinator to learn more about the work. 

Thank you for sharing and caring!

The Gratitude Bowl

I am reading a wonderful ebook called The Book of (Even More) AWESOME by Neil Pasricha. I am probably the last to know that this is a sequel to his books, The Book of Awesome, You Are Awesome, and at least seven more books. And, hallelujah, Neil also has an award winning blog, 1000AwesomeThings.com  

I eat this stuff up! It is wonderful, inspiring, and I’ll even say, sanity-serenity saving! Just reading a couple dozen of Neil’s AWESOMEs has me setting up a new Gratitude Bowl. 

I began using a Gratitude Bowl after I was widowed; it was an important exercise to look for the good, and trust that it is there to be found, in abundance, no matter what! In fact, I even felt a little constrained when I made a rule of only-one-gratitude-slip-per-day. Don’t know why I did that but this time, there will be no rules. I want to run and fill out slips for as many things as I can. I want to rush home to my pile of blank slips and catch up on all the good I collided with while out.

Life transitions--even if they are a blizzard of good things, are like new buds-- vulnerable to the Goliath of old defenses, ego, and fear. Those party poopers just love to crank out bummer-inducing pink slips; it’s hell in the middle of the night and laughable after head clearing morning coffee and exercise. 

I recently detected that an attitude intervention was needed. My usual body-mind-spirit self-care activities wore off too quickly, and even the abundant love in my wonderful remarriage was serving me like a loose BandAid. Neil’s AWESOME book arrived at just the right time and now, my new Gratitude Bowl will be part of the attitude intervention. 

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RECIPE FOR A GRATITUDE BOWL:  

Choose a bowl, any kind of bowl!

Cut slips of paper-- any kind of paper!

Place a pen or marker nearby. 

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Work and Grief: PTO Falls Short

 Let's discuss bereavement time. I know so many people who's paid (or unpaid but sanctioned) time off work comes from a benefit known as PTO-- Personal Time Off, but back in the day, time off for a death was called bereavement leave. It usually maxxed out at three days. That would be enough for travel to-and-from a funeral destination with a buffer to improve on the puffy or dark-circled eyes and rehearse what might pass as an "I'm okay" facade. Do you have rights? Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. crafted The Mourner's Bill of Rights to advocate gentleness toward grieving people. It is beautifully caring and encourages a mindfulness through grief...but it is far from a corporate manual.

Are you really back to work just because your body showed up?

A February, 2022 Wall Street Journal article by Work & Life columnist Rachel Feintzeig, Workers Get More Time to Grieve Losses  caught my attention. One interviewee stated that her work performance during grief felt "like 10% capacity."  I know someone who felt such perpetual brain fog after the death of her mother, she wanted to resign. 

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The woman I'll call the 10 percenter, eventually rose to an influential executive level and instituted 'unlimited paid bereavement leave.' This radical and risky policy is steeped in heart but can it float in a demanding work environment? I know what it's like to feel you have to show up, no matter what. And let's just go ahead and include our pets' deaths in the category of Excruciating Loss...but don't expect paid leave for anyone other than immediate family.

In my funeral home days, staff handed out funeral passes to requesting guests. Noting the basics of decedent, relationship, and date of service(s), I would pen my authorized signature and zip it off the pre-printed pad. Fast forward to the guest's first day back at work as she/he turns in the pass to their supervisor or HR. I get it: the system can and will be abused. I also get that the generosity of benefits may be linked to corporate size or paygrade. 

I was struck by Feintzeig's keen observation that "bereavement, burnout and child-care issues were once considered private matters to be dealt with largely on one's own."  Grieving doesn't watch the clock and switch off from 8 to 5. At work, it is a naked, clinging-to-calm-by-the-fingernails kind of experience. You can feel fragile or so numbed and shut down that, while craving human warmth, social anxiety overwhelms. The risk of being seen as weak or incompetent is so powerful, and the effort to appear normal is so exhausting,you rush back to the caccoon of home to collapse.

The U.S. Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 supports unpaid leave for qualifying birth and health events of employees in certain size workplaces. The Covid era with its huge mortality has torn the veil on assumptions about grief. Covid era grief has also been complicated by social distancing, restrictions on gatherings, and facility closures. I made my late husband's cremation arrangements through my car window in a blustery parking lot; his ashes were handed to me in the same manner. 

What should you do when you need bereavement leave?

Ask for a clear understanding of company policies. Can you refer to an Employee Handbook? The funeral you wish to attend may not be for an approved loss (ie. a relationship beyond family of origin or spouse;) can you use PTO, or is there an employee bank of PTO for emergency situations?

Ask your supervisor for ideas of meeting your job goals with less stress: can you work remotely?

The inside job

Most importantly, assume that the work setting is not your go-to for support. Your appetite may be off but consume a plentiful diet of self care:

• Spend time with trusted friends willing to listen, hug, and offer words of comfort 
• Schedule professional grief counseling--often available virtually

• 

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  Get out of doors into fresh air-- your garden or a natural setting
  
• Enjoy time with your (or a friend's) pet
• Prioritize your mindfulness practices: yoga, journaling, meditation
• Read a good book about grief (ideally specific to your type of loss,) and
• Explore any other spiritual or faith traditions that help you feel peaceful.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

 Readers,

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It's been awhile since I just wrote some basics about supporting a grieving person. So here is a refresher, listing a dozen simple ways to express sympathy and render comfort. 

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

(from your trusted source: The Condolence Coach)

1. Listen.  2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult. "Gosh, this is a difficult time!" 3. A gentle hug or nonintrusive touch may have more value than words.  4. We all die, but there is no "easier" age for the grieving; this includes a miscarried child. 5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.  6. Learn and use a name, but it's okay to just write 'your Mom.' 7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence. 8. Ask a survivor for one of ​their​ favorite memories.  9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note. 10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.  11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices. Don't suggest things like adopting another pet, that they start dating, or that they try to have another baby. 12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Cricket After Cricket: Life Goes On

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The Growing Through Grief series

With remarkable frequency, I find crickets in my house. Rather than a cause for alarm that my door seals are leaking (they're not,) I see these visitors as messengers of life, and then carefully escort them outside. Life goes on. 

For anyone who has mourned the death of a loved one or experienced a painful life change, there is a dominant question: will life go on? And if I accept that as fact--even while clueless--the next question is: what will a new life look like? For most, the acute state of emptiness and even purposelessness will change to a gentle forbearance after two or three months. Then, as new patterns develop:  brewing a smaller pot of coffee, rising earlier to walk the dog, halving recipes or opting for convenience food and paper plates, what a new life looks like begins to emerge. As the visiting crickets suggest, life goes on.

"Cricket symbolism is a sign of exceptional luck. Furthermore, this spirit animal says that the things that you have been working toward and dreaming about are now possible." Source

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Moving beyond forbearance, however, is an important indicator of adjustment. When I found myself beginning to define my future with wants, hopes, and dreams, I stopped asking others "where do I belong?" and began asking myself what do I need? I asked, what do I like to do? and then rephrased it as: what do I really, really want to do? I realized I was tying my shoelaces with a new intention:  being and becoming who I truly wanted to be.

There is a wonderful poem which supported me line by line, as I moved through grief, day by day. It reminded me that yes--life goes on, and unimaginably good things can unfold if I am open to them!

Thou hast made me endless

 (from Gitanjali by Rabindranath Tagore)

Thou hast made me endless, such is thy pleasure.

This frail vessel thou emptiest again and again,

 and fillest it ever with fresh life.

This little flute of a reed thou hast carried over hills and dales,

 and hast breathed through it melodies eternally new.

At the immortal touch of thy hands

 my little heart loses its limits in joy

 and gives birth to utterance ineffable.

Thy infinite gifts come to me

 only on these very small hands of mine. 

Ages pass, and still thou pourest, 

and still there is room to fill.

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This post is lovingly dedicated to RRR

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Read more about grief adjustment, and supporting someone adjusting after a loss:

Be Brave With Your Life

Grief Recovery: Grinding Up the Old Road, Paving the New

Gifts for Someone Grieving: Priceless Privacy and Peace

Climbing Out of Deep Space: through and beyond grief

H.A.L.T: Avoiding Self Care Red Flags

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The Growing Through Grief series

As a young woman driving cross country homeward after a breakup, I'd touch base with my dad, in the evenings. There were no mobile phones, so I'd call him from the motel room telephone. It was a grim, lonely trip but one of the most important things my dad told me was to eat. "Don't skip meals, Deb; keep your strength up."

The 'strength' that comes from regular, complete nutrition cannot be overstated. In the infographic, 10 Reasons Doctors Talk About The Need For Good Nutrition & Diets, four of the ten points emphasize improved wellbeing, mood, focus and energy. When nutrition is shoddy or spotty, your personal house of cards can quickly spiral into depression, confusion, inertia and health complications. 

Despite the stress, it is important to push past all tendencies to avoid food ("I don't feel like eating" or "I've always had a small appetite"). Postponing meals and snacks ("I'm too busy to eat.") must also be counteracted. Many grieving people experience weight shifts, up or down; monitor this and consult your doctor if it goes beyond a 5-10 pound change.

Keep your battery charged

In general, coping with any stress--pandemic isolation, job or financial pressures, relationship challenges, and grief-- requires remarkable inner strength, physical stamina, and a fully charged “mental battery.” Self help writers long ago coined an acronym to assess one’s mental battery strength:  HALT. It stands for Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. and feeling any one of those is a red flag needing immediate care. I am spending more time talking about nutrition (the H of HALT) because it can support and regulate so many functions of the body, brain, and mood.

H.A.L.T.

Hungry. 

Strong emotions can drive out an appetite and stress affects easy digestion, so I
would suggest sitting quietly for five to ten minutes before eating. Calm yourself by stroking your pet, listening to soft music, walking in your yard, breathing mindfully. Your brain needs fuel and choosing ‘high octane’ nutritious foods over sugary or packaged snacks is vital. Make every food choice count: high quality protein, complex carbs, fresh dark green veggies. AVOID alcohol and sugar.  Another tip for low appetite is to eat a small portion morning, midday, and late afternoon. ‘Bedtime snack’ is not a dirty word, either.

Angry.  

Anger can be a natural response to dramatic change and pain. Every cell of our being wants to react to it or run from it. You know your triggers, so choose exposure carefully. Then, know how to calm down:  call a friend or counselor, open a good book, say a prayer, find something to laugh about, listen to music, hug your pet, and my favorite: go outside for some fresh air.

Lonely.  

With CDC guidelines relaxed or cancelled as the U.S. pandemic and vaccinations stabilize, emerging from isolation is a process. For many, the experience was emotionally or financially devastating. Grieving also triggers powerful moments of loneliness. The set of HALT red flags includes loneliness because it is not just a state of mind or a poorly managed mood. It can seriously affect mental and physical health! Reach out: make phone calls to friends, family, your hospice social worker or clergy. Arrange a visit with someone. If you feel your options are narrow, just go out to a store for a break in the ache of feeling alone. 

Tired.  

A lot of things can make us tired: poor sleep, meds, stress and emotional spikes. Grief--especially the early period (which may vary by individual)--can upend your circadian rhythms, trigger fears, worries and obsessive thoughts, which seem to spike in the dark! Rest: where, when, and how you can, and shutting your eyes on the couch or recliner counts. Ask your health care provider for suggestions.

The role of a caring friend

If you are the friend of someone struggling with a loss, gently ask from time to time about the HALT aspects of self care. Bringing nutritious prepared food or taking the grieving person out for a meal can be very helpful. Offering your quiet companionship or assistance in the home may allow the person to relax and nap. Make the call, send the text: being present and open to simply listen is a huge support. 

Thank you for caring!

Be Brave With Your Life

 The Growing Through Grief series

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Be Brave With Your Life. This expression is embossed on the cover of the journal I purchased  over a year ago. Frankly, at the time, I didn't care for the gloomy, foggy cover image; I just wanted a new notebook. Now, I understand it. 

From day to day, we navigate--seeing only as far into the unknown, unfolding day, as each next moment allows. When you have faced a very close loss--spouse, partner, child, parent-- and the numbness wears off to reveal the new skin of acceptance, the next step is yours.

If the next steps are seen as gloomy and forbidding, your next chapter of life will be exactly that, and it will be a miserable existence. The option is to 'Be Brave With Your Life'. 

Being brave is an act of trust, hope, and faith in good. Put simply, it is optimism. And so I now turn my words to you, who are on the sidelines of a person who is moving forward after a loss. Please read this carefully!

Advice for those of you on the sidelines of someone's loss:

1. Do not give advice. If you are asked for guidance or a suggestion on a specific matter, share knowledge but don't assume you've been invited in as a life coach.
2. Do not become a cop, judge, or legislator on the nature and timing of new choices. What you believe is the right way/right time to 'get on with life'-- whether in the form of relocation, activities, or relationships-- is only your opinion. Do not poison someone's bravery with your 'well-meaning concerns.' The journey forward may have some disappointments or detours, but that is true for everyone!
3.  DO encourage. When you are told of some new thing in the person's life, respond with a hug or supportive words such as: "be good to yourself," "be happy, " "I'm happy for you," "go for it," "have fun" ... And then, bite your tongue if a "well-meaning concern" bubbles up and you are dying to share it. 

My most cherished friends support me in exactly these ways. They do not own or use 'poison arrows.' Love, care, interest, and support are the precious breezes they send my way. These bolster my bravery!

Thank you for caring!

To grow in your sensitivity to others' losses, please browse this blog, often!

This post is dedicated to Terry.

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Grief Recovery: Grinding Up the Old Road, Paving the New

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The Growing Through Grief series

A great force at work

There’s a tremendous rumbling outside my home, as beasts of steel move slowly on their low-slung circular tracks. The fiercest of them claws unrelentingly at the roadway, churning up the old macadam. Scooped onto a skyward conveyor, the rough debris are launched into the cavity of a giant white dump truck.

Slim, sunglassed workers in bright yellow safety vests and hard hats live out childhood Tonka Toy dreams, sauntering beside the beasts. A secret bliss beats in their hearts, aglow with the knowledge that no mother waits at home to scold them over the filthy pants they will arrive in. They are the grinders, obliterating all previous roads. Out of sight, the debris-laden lorry will travel to a location in need of its material. For new roads are being constructed, and a foundation of ‘what was,’ suits a new way to come. 

You are the foundation of your new path

People--and roads--are an amalgam of everything known and experienced. And yet, it is crucial to respect the dynamics of change because change--like the grinders’ force--will leave nothing untouched. Daily, there is an expansion of the known and experienced. Layer on top of layer, our lives are paved with rigors and roses, relationships and realizations. What may seem like habit or routine will, if examined under a microscope, be infinitesimally different and new, each day.

Recognizing these facts, I know that the cacophony outside will abate and I will return to my patio, cool drink in hand. I know that a new road will be built outside my door and likewise, inside my heart and mind. It is happening now, with each keystroke.

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Moving forward is what matters most; I spread words left to right on this digital page and as needed, backspace my way to better expression. Left to right, auto-return, left to right again. 

I thank the grinders who are helping me let go of old roads because there is so much more to discover on a new one.

Thankyou for caring and sharing!

In the Bewilds: Trekking Grief's Wilderness

The Growing Through Grief series

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Let me be clear: this is a trek with all the challenges of a Himalayan expedition: low oxygen, sapping exertion, sudden storms, and shivering alone in your tent. This wilderness of experience and eviscerating emotion--what I've dubbed the Bewilds, is both an uncontrolled ride down rapids and a process of choices. Open to it all, I find myself awed by the day's catalogue of wonders: a caring email, phone message, or invitation, a kindred soul walking her dog, another pair of hands for an unfamiliar task.

In so-named books, Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD refers to 'the wilderness of grief' as life changing. Francis Weller, MFT suggests 'the wild edge of sorrow' is an invitation to sacred ground. Just as I approached my husband's dying as a sacred journey, I am committed to trying to grieve with a higher consciousness, a patient awareness.

The formidable and even frightening solo trek becomes a mindful mile if I pause to pull essentials from my pack. Surprising reliefs are found in deep and easy breaths, the reviving self care of rations, rest, and light reading. Like an LED flashlight, a companion's visit brings calming clarity; and the littlest accomplishment soothes weariness as if pulling on soft socks. 

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In Grieving,The Sacred Art, Hope in the Land of Loss, Lisa Irish notes,

 "Loss can be mourned even as positive changes become evident."  

Numerous philosophers have explored the hair's width of space between endings and beginnings. So, trekking the Bewilds is not without tears ... or anticipation. 

Hoping to feel 'like your old self' is like reaching for your comfort food. I inwardly cringed when a 5-year widow admitted to still having painful, tearful moments. My peers help me to grasp that grieving is not like post surgical rehab. We have been 'transformed' and live a 'new normal.'

This post is simply a moment in my trek into my new normal. I know that I will continue to change and grow-- and even backup, when necessary. Every griever is a solo trekker and should be respected as such. 

The Condolence Coach continues to suggest that before giving practical advice or spiritual direction to a person in mourning, you ask them if they want it. You could say things like: This may not apply to you, but when I was grieving my dad...  or You'll know when you feel ready to... or I'm glad I have a special spot to go say hello... 

Thank you for caring!

Irving Berlin and his Rx to Stop Stress

 Irving Berlin is considered one of the greatest songwriters of the 20th century, with at least 1,500 songs to his credit.

Composer, Irving Berlin
Source

He had a flair for a tune and penned lyrics which hit the heart’s bullseye, again and again. In the early 1950’s, he wrote "Count Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)" and, enclosing it in a letter to a studio executive, Berlin confessed: 

‘As I say in the lyrics, sometime ago, after the worst kind of a sleepless night, my doctor came to see me and after a lot of self-pity, belly-aching and complaining about my insomnia, he looked at me and said "speaking of doing something about your insomnia, did you ever try counting your blessings?"’

The song debuted in the now-classic holiday film, White Christmas

What a simple-and timely-idea. Counting troubles is an easy reaction in times of uncertainty, isolation, and loss. Yes, even as your heart aches after the death of a loved one, you can turn to this prescription for relief:  choose to count blessings! 

First, let's define blessing

Websters begins with the concept of an invocation-- a statement of approval or encouragement. The definition evolves to be something which contributes to a positive occurrence, outcome, or opportunity. Many consider a blessing to be a verbal prayer of thanks to God. Therefore, any and every aspect of your loved one which has made you happy, secure, and thankful counts when you're counting blessings!

How to start counting

Your method could be a relaxed mental wander through wonderful memories, or try some of these:

• Take out your journal or notepad and write a list of the helps, traits, and admirable qualities of your loved one. Fill pages, if you want to!

• 

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  Pull out photo albums or boxes and count the blessings of vacation fun, love-filled occasions, camaradie, proud moments, and those adoring expressions meant just for you.
  
• Pull up iTunes or YouTube recordings of a few special songs that take you back to important times shared with your loved one. As you listen, re-live the blessings.
• Find your box of momentos or file of important papers and count your blessings. Old documents such as a marriage license, a paycheck stub, a birthday or anniversary card, and even a handwritten grocery list can flood your heart with gratitude.

I know a man who counts joyful blessings by paging through his late wife's cookbooks. Think of the counting possibilities that await in your garage, basement, or clothes closet! Others might walk in their yard and count the blessings of things planted by a loved one. What other counting ideas can you think of?

Feeling better? Keep digging and keep counting. And there's a good chance that others who mourn this person would love to hear what you've counted. Bless them by sharing your lists and encourage them to begin counting, too.

Thank you for caring!

Put Your Heart In Everything You Do

Author's Prickly Pear

My spirit has a radar for hearts; I see hearts in many, many places. I've been scoffed at as silly, excitedly stopping on a trail to absorb its message or take a photo, but I know. The heart is powerful. It is meant to be seen, shared, experienced. Are you experiencing your heart, fully?

Fully in my Why and my Now

Scottish theologian, William Barclay noted: 

"There are two great days in a person's life-- the day we are born and the day we discover why."

For me, volunteering is my 'why' and a significant portal to heart experiences. Now retired, I bring whatever experience I can to whatever setting I choose to serve. Speaking with a friend about some of my volunteering, she surprised me, remarking, 'it sounds like you're overqualified.' To me, that term belongs in the employment arena, not while seeking a volunteer niche. Truthfully, I want to pour out my whole self--skills, awareness, and heart-- into everything I do. There is no limit, no measuring out and holding some in reserve. All I have is now, perhaps this complete 24 hour day, but most assuredly, this now-time. 

"'Now' is the closest approximation in time to the experience of eternity." - Alan Cohen

Do you remember that expression, "live like there's no tomorrow"? That's the secret to peace. It's the secret before last breaths are drawn and it opens an indescribably wonderful 'place.' So, every breath of now can open up to that place, if you give your all, your heart. 

Heart rocks, Tohono O'odham basket
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Today, with the exception of vegetative hearts like the prickly pear, I saw the largest heart rock, ever, at least 8 inches tall. At my excitement, my hiking partner remarked, "well, you have a big heart."

Growing Awareness and Grief Awareness

Growing in awareness is like nurturing a super power but it's not as complex as the plot of Marvel Comics' X-Men movie, where futuristic mutations give some humans extraordinary skills! Similar to the Coach's posts about the power of intuition, you must patiently access and practice:

1. presence
2. listening  
3. sensitivity 

You must also avoid judgement and giving advice! The super power of awareness allows you to support a grieving person, simply. Click on the skills links above and you will understand how what a grieving person most needs is understanding. Yes, Western culture has hammered away about productivity, and 'making yourself useful' but your super power as grief aware will be boundless when you works on these steps. Your heart will pour out like a balm with surprising results. As for those 'results', please don't seek them like feel-good candy. Trust that there are occurring because that is the nature of all heart investment!

Thank you for caring!

Impermanence (Anicca): Changing how you cope with change

Source

You may not be a bookworm but life is all about 'bookends,' as experiences and life conditions begin, alter and then, end. 

Change. Impermanence. Count on it. 

During the past few months, I have meditated on the concept that nothing stays the same; it has almost morphed into a daily game to see something become useless or end, and something new appear. Sure enough-- not a day goes by without newness.

Source

My path of study was accelerated by reading living this life fully: stories and teachings of Munindra. Anagarika Munindra (1915–2003) was a Bengali Buddhist master, scholar, and compelling teacher of the ancient Vipassana meditation technique. All world philosophies address change and, in Buddhist thought, the absence of permanence is known as anicca - one of the 'three basic facts of existence.'

Humans are born 'hard-wired' to create routines and seek comfort over discomfort. Once effective patterns for survival are met, we expand our search for pleasures, achievements, relationships. The 'expansion' phase is uplifting, often including our deepest relationships, and enduring life satisfactions. But, as Munindra taught: "Sooner or later, everyone has to be separated from all dear ones. For this we have to be ready always. This is the law of nature." 

Living life fully, under any condition

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The reality of Impermanence is not a warning to live cautiously. Instead, I am called to heighten my awareness of each moment. A young Foothill "littleleaf" Palo Verde reminded me to engage every cell toward life. The tree's chlorophyll glows a brilliant green from bark to spine-tipped branches, surging with life, in harmony with arid desert conditions.

In Buddhist thought, there are eight unavoidable worldly conditions known as Astha Loka Dharma. Read this 'bookends' list of expansions and contractions, and tell me if you put checkmarks by each, as I did:

• praise and blame

• gain and loss

• honor and disrepute

• happiness and misery

Calming the fevers of grief 

Grief can arise with any significant change. There is no easy path to ease the suffering other than eventual acceptance and even-mindedness. Often called equanimity or upekkha in Buddhist teaching, this neutral feeling may seem unnatural in Western culture. The swan dive from joy to misery, from life to death can easily cause a surge of adrenaline, intense emotions and some form of suffering. But the more you can seek out calming practices, the more balance of mind is restored.

• Be aware: when you feel an emotional surge, instead of flipping out, flip a switch to become aware that you have choices.
• Focus: take a breath, state a key word or phrase that reminds you to choose even-mindedness. My mantra is Let it be.
• Time out: it's time for a meditation. 
• There are apps that you can use to meditate 'discreetly and briefly' at your work (no matter what work you do!) like Headspace or Buddhify. 
• If you don't have a go-to practice, begin with a guided meditation; it will guide your focus away from the painful emotional surge. Think of it as a lifeline: just hang on. 
• Guided practice doesn't have to be complicated; I highly recommend a Metta meditation (click on the link) described by the Metta Institute as 'recit[ing] specific words and phrases evoking a "boundless warm-hearted feeling."'  This is called a loving-kindness meditation and truly imparts that embrace. Breathe and speak (or think) the words slowly and sink into the intention; I have used this through tears, stroking my own hand or cheek, or holding a precious memento:

 May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease.

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• Walking in nature is also a soothing practice. Note your sensations and surroundings- like the air current on your skin, a wispy cloud, a wildflower, a bird call, butterfly or busy ant hill.

• Turn to other calming practices such as crafting, arts, music, or journaling but avoid drugs or alcohol during this spike.

When life's journey brings you to an ending, don't lose hope. Instead, consider these new approaches to 'the next new thing;' a bright surprise awaits!

Thank you for caring!

Follow these links to read more on these themes:

The 4 Immeasurables for condolence to a Buddhist friend
Compassion and Condolence: finding the words to walk together
Listen! A gift received, a gift given
The physics of intuitive compassion: Albert Einstein had it right!
Responding to tragedy: a million pieces of grief

Freddie the Cat: A Story of Creating Your Way through Grief

The Growing Through Grief series

Using Grief as a Creative Prompt

It takes courage to turn to one's art during the early days of grief and yet, it is a deeply special way to process the pain, drama, and shock of loss. Whether your creative outlet is paint, pen, or another form, it is a voice and its expression has value. Countless memoirs are sparked by death; who hasn’t read Marley & Me or Tuesdays with Morrie ?
Russian landscape artist Maxim Vorobyov, painted ‘Oak Fractured by Lightning’ (1842) to express the shock and pain of his wife’s death. 

'Oak Fractured by Lightning', Maxim Vorobyov

I gained this perspective after pet loss, but doubled-down on the challenge by drafting my mother’s obituary, and months later, posting My Turn to Grieve. In my post Condolence to Teens, I suggested giving the grieving girl or boy a journal because like an iceberg, ‘what’s on the surface is a fraction of what’s important to a teenager.’ The subtle suggestion to write or rant becomes a pathway to personal discovery and healing.

This month, my writing friend, Kat, shared her beautiful tribute to Freddie. The health decline of a pet can be a slow, subtle thing, the cues of which accumulate in owners' observations of body and behavior. Still, the time-to-let-go always arrives like a bolt of lightning! I thanked Kat for setting her pen to the pain and she replied: 

“Deborah, I did not want to write his story and had to force myself to do so.  But once I started I began to feel much better.”

FREDDIE

By Kat Hakanson  July 17, 2020 

Freddie, Fireplace Cat
Used with permission, Kat Hakanson

Our cat Freddie died this week.  He was 16 and leaves behind the heartbroken humans that he graciously shared his life with.  There is a big empty space left behind.

Freddie came to us in March of 2004.  We had lost our dear cat, Mr. Peach, the day after Christmas in 2003.  Mourning his loss, we found a breeder of Cornish Rex in Goodyear, AZ and, as luck would have it, she had a male cat born the past November who needed a forever home.

Living in Colorado at the time, we made the trip down to Arizona that March to pick up our newest family member. He was a beautiful orange tabby with an incredibly thick marcel wave. He was our fifth Cornish Rex.  Someone once told me that Rex cats look like corduroy, an apt description.  We called him Freddie, but his actual given name was Mister Rogers of Stonebridge in honor of the famed establisher of the children’s TV series who had always been a favorite of our entire family. We returned to Colorado and Freddie met his fellow resident cat, Norman, who was a meek and gentle little guy. It did not take Freddie long to rule and dominate our household and Norman too. Sweet Norman loved him just the same. 

Being 4 months old when we brought him home, he was really still a kitten. He was robust and active, could leap up to the highest furniture tops and we marveled at his athletic ability. His feet were huge and that gave us an indication of what a big boy he would grow to be. Sometimes when he was jumping, he would leap sideways. In his teething stage, he chewed a few holes in the bottom of my brand-new wooden blinds. It still makes me smile when I think of it, but I was horrified at the time! Years later, when the moving day came to leave Colorado, I noticed the chew marks on that bottom shade board and wondered what the new owners would think of them.

Window Cats
Used with permission, Kat Hakanson

He loved to watch birds from big windows and the window seat. None of our cats were ever allowed outside so our screened porch became his special place to enjoy the outdoors. Lap time was a favored activity and in his later years he would be extremely put out if there was not a lap available when he desired one. A sunny window was his best friend and he would move throughout the house all day long just looking for that best sun spot. He allowed his humans to share his king size bed. Freddie was a talker and had a lot to say. At times it felt as if he were lecturing us. There was always a greeting when we would come home. Almost until the day he died, he enjoyed playing with his toys in kitten like fashion.

Freddie & Ginger, Cuddle Cats
Used with permission, Kat Hakanson

Norman died in 2009 and we then welcomed a tiny female cat to our family.  She was Rex number six.  We named her Ginger (Fred and Ginger)!

She was a feisty little girl and Freddie could not really dominate her as he did Norman. Life in our household became more interesting. Games and chasing became everyday behavior. 

When he was 15, we noticed he was getting very thin. He had lost two pounds since his last checkup one year prior. The Vet did bloodwork but everything looked fine. He was still eating, was active and always into mischief.

With the pandemic, his next yearly visit was delayed.  There were problems with using the litter pan now. When he saw the Vet last week, he had dropped to 6.5 pounds as compared to the healthy 11 pounds he weighed when in his prime. He never ate again after that last Vet visit and we could see him failing quickly every day. Suddenly, he now appeared to be in pain and we knew it was time to let him go. Lymphoma and kidney failure were suspected. We were shocked at his final, rapid decline. It was with overwhelming sadness when we said goodbye. We will miss him forever. ###

Mother's Memorial Morning Sky
D. Chappa

Grief work that works

The story of 'Mister Rogers of Stonebridge' is now a family treasure. If you are grieving, turn to your art. Don’t worry about an audience--more than ever, this art is for you! If you are a friend to a grieving person, consider creating your own artistic tribute, or offer a gift such as a journal or art supplies, or plant a creative prompt with the question:

How would your feelings show up through…

your camera...your pen...your paintbrush...your guitar?

Thank you for caring!