Comfort Objects: Rereading Memento Notes

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The Growing Through Grief series

I have a notecard tucked in a dresser drawer that warms me just by its cover. It is undated but, thinking back to when I had that box of notecards, I place the note around a time I wanted to relocate. "Make your own Adventure" it urges. Inside, my late husband wrote a special message of admiration and support, and it 'wows' me every time I read it. 

The Condolence Coach has often used the George Santayana quip 'there is nothing sweeter than to be sympathized with.'  But now I know there is nothing sweeter than to be encouraged for being who you are and for the writer's certainty that great things are still to come from you.

I stumbled upon the card while sorting through papers after my husband's death and then, it became a note of encouragement I periodically turned to. As my grief journey progressed, my need for the card lessened. But just yesterday--about 13 months after the death, I yearned for that experience of being deeply known, accepted, and cherished; I opened the drawer, and there it was, waiting to give me a handwritten hug and high five.

Comfort Objects

Growing through grief is a process of finding, using, and very gradually decreasing dependence on comfort objects which stand in for your loved one. Rest assured that anything qualifies as a comfort object and no one but you can choose it. It can be as big as a house or as tiny as a hair. I wrote on the subject of comfort objects and legacies in these posts:

Plaques and Pavers: Memorializing Love

Greatest Generation Dads

Unusual Comforts

A Life Story in 15 Songs

Recipes Soothe Our Souls

A Lasting Tribute

Readers should be very clear on these points:  

Gradually decreasing dependence on the comfort object is:

• entirely up to the grieving individual
• can occur quickly, very slowly, OR NEVER
• is one indication of growing through grief, but is not a required step

Some comfort objects are assimilated into survivors' lives. Comfort objects can be given as legacy gifts like Dad's cherished pickup truck is now driven by a grandson; a warm sweatshirt continues to dispel morning chill; Mom's apron acquires new splatters as the dog eared pages of her cookbook guide new hands to great chili or that must-have Thanksgiving side dish.

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Visit any park or museum and you will see a fundraising opportunity put to good use. Organizations offering the design and installation of memorial plaques and pavers touch hearts with a public comfort object. My friend Lauren had experience with this and encouraged me to consider it. I enjoyed creating such an item for a community park in remembrance of my late husband. The plaque inscription, Providence was his earthly compass, Love his North Star, warms not only my heart but will do the same for anyone who sees it.

Encouraging Aftercare

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Back to that note of encouragement...Because notes of encouragement are so powerful, so nourishing to the spirit of a grieving person, I would like to suggest readers consider writing them as "aftercare" to someone on the grief journey. My cousin Susan lives across the country, but she and her late mother regularly sent me cards of encouragement. Messages like you are strong, you are doing exactly what you need to do at this time, I admire you for _____, the rainbow on this card  is waiting for you are bravery boosters, and their arrival in an otherwise ad filled mailbox always put a smile on my face. 

5 Key components of a note of encouragement

1. Choose a card with an inspiring image or inscription
2. Refer to the inspiring image or inscription in your personalization
3. No timelines: life is meant to be a flow
4. Be effusive (that means be unrestrained and heartfelt)
5. Be optimistic (see the gifts and potentials even when your recipient can't)

Is there someone you could encourage today?

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Plaques and Pavers: Memorializing Love Beyond a Grave Marker

A bench plaque at a community park
 in Tucson, Arizona. Author image

The Growing Through Grief series

You've seen them and you may have walked on them:  memorial plaques and paver bricks are extremely popular tributes! Typically, their purchase is a contribution to the community or a nonprofit organization. Yes, many plaques and pavers can be celebratory, philanthropic, and even not of a memorial nature, but with greater frequency, sending funeral flowers is not an option.

For example, when a "viewing" (a funeral home visitation with the body in a casket) does not occur, there may or may not be an appropriate occasion for flowers. Charitable memorial designations are common, but the marriage of a memorial tribute with a lasting presence (beyond a cemetery grave marker) is comforting, practical, and often renders great benefit to others.

I recently met Jeanne when she was in Tucson to scatter her sister's ashes in the mountains. Her sister, Suzanne, had been a long time Tucsonian and member of the Sabino Canyon Volunteer Naturalists.

Suzanne contributed countless hours educating classroom groups about desert animals and ecology. Jeanne told me that Suzanne had lived other places, but loved the desert. During her illness, the family had arranged for Suzanne to be named on a plaque of Sabino Canyon supporters. It was a special day, shortly before her death, when Suzanne stood beside the tile which declares her work as "A Guide to Scenic Splendor."

The plaque honoring supporters. Author image



Suzanne's heart lives on in the desert. Author image

The Naturalist group also sponsors a memorial garden where rustic, inscribed stones bear the names of deceased volunteers (pictured below.) For many, having a place to visit and feel close to their departed loved one, is important--and it doesn't need to be a cemetery! In fact, there is comfort in knowing that a modest donation for the purchase of a plaque or paver, continued a mission or project that gave meaning to the loved one's life.  Jeanne and her family beamed with a peaceful joy in the presence of Suzanne's legacy.



How can you memorialize a loved one in a similar way?
If there is a charitable designation made, don't just stuff a check in an envelope. Call the organization and ask about their enduring opportunities. Consider exploring:

• the hospice that assisted the family; they may have a patio of inscribed pavers.
• a service organization that the family supports; they may have benches or furnishings that can be "named."
• a comment of caring once expressed by the deceased; "I love birds" could point to a memorial gift with the Audubon Society, or your local bird and wildlife conservation nonprofit may invite funding for fixtures in a local sancuary. Ask! 

Some view memorial plaques and pavers as a final gift.
The beauty of the gesture is that its legacy is shared by so many, for many years to come.

This may also be a way to mark an anniversary of death.
Don't feel that you have to immediately identify and arrange a plaque or paver. There is so much going on in the weeks and months after a death. Why not consider this for an anniversary year?

Thank you for caring!