Bedside Stories for a Loving Goodbye Vigil

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The Rural Doctor

My friend Charlotte's father was a rural Iowa doctor; one of those special people who could calmly set a bone and stitch you up after a nasty farm accident, or cheerfully deliver your twins on a snowy winter night. Doc was both confidante and neighbor to his patients in an era when storytelling served the human need for connection.

Storytelling, sometimes called the oral tradition, spans history and cultures. Stories can teach, preach, entertain and comfort. We are born with an eagerness to ask for, listen to, and share stories. Pause just a moment and you will be flooded with memories, which are themselves, stories.

Source:
The Plain Needle Woman.com

One afternoon, Doc was called to the home of a dying patient. He found the grandfather in bed, surrounded by family; one by one, anecdotes and accounts were told. There was nothing fancy or formal in the room; patched pockets, darned socks, and flyaway hair were worn all around, and the draping of a softly faded quilt barely moved with the old man's slow rasp of breaths.
There were no whispers, either. Each story was a farewell blessing--a living tribute of love, admiration and humor, told with the same voices that their loved one heard on the porch or around the kitchen table.

"My family are all storytellers," Charlotte told me. She'd held this memory for many years until one day, with grown children of her own, the story came full circle. "My husband had suffered a brain bleed and was on life support. As my son and daughter gathered at their father's bedside, we decided to tell some stories about Dad."

Charlotte believed strongly in the tradition of stories as a tool for comfort, saying "I am sure their dad heard the stories and I know he loved it. Ultimately, the vigil of storytelling transformed our removal of life support into a loving farewell."

Ways to prompt stories

• Tell stories that allow expressions of admiration, love, gratitude. The caregiving person in charge may suggest:
• How did _____ inspire you?
• Let's talk about the time when _____
• What were some of his/her favorite sayings, and when did he/she most often use them?
• If someone wants to express a personal message to the dying person, give them some privacy. 

Suggestions to support the dying experience

• If the person normally wears hearing aids, remember to keep them in the ears, with fresh batteries. Even if someone is comatose (a state of deep, unresponsive unconsciousness that is common at the end of life,) the reception of sounds and words should be supported. 

  

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• Make contact: using a method that does not cause pain or other discomfort, options include a light hand on the head or stroke of a brow, holding a hand or resting a light hand on their shoulder, forearm or shin.
• Always inform the dying person about who is coming into or leaving the room. Casual statements such as: “Mom is going to take a nap,” or  “Hi Mary, this is Tom. I’m going to sit with you for awhile,” or “Mary, Tom is here now,” or "The kids are coming after school, in an hour."

Read more about vigiling:

Laughing Condolence: When life overflows, share a story

Silent Night, Holy Night: Sacred Dying is another reason to write condolence

Veterans at the End of Life: An Essential Salute

When You Cannot Vigil the Dying: Be There

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Ask the Rabbi: is the Holocaust beyond condolence?

When I was an innocent child of 15, a public school teacher suggested I read the memoir, Night by Elie Wiesel. 

He did so because I was curious about his Judaism. Reading about 15 year old Elie's loss of innocence in the Auschwitz-Birkenau complex tore the curtain off my own daydreaming girlhood.

Buckenwald concentration camp, 1945. Weisel lays in 2nd row, 7th from left. 
Photo taken (c) by Private H. Miller. (Army) - U.S. Defence Visual Information Center

Finishing the brutal narrative, I passed it on to my mother. She was glad to read it but expressed sorrow that I had. I went on to read many more survivor accounts.

Then last month, breakfasting with friends, I asked Meyer if he had any family still in Poland. "They are all gone," was his reply. It was not a happy tale of emigration; it was the Holocaust. I slumped and sighed. And later wondered:  what is the appropriate condolence response here? Should I write a note?

"It is a complicated situation."

[Source]

The first words of advice offered by Rabbi Aaron L. Starr, Director of Education and Youth at Congregation Shaarey Zedek, did not surprise me. But with remarkable insight, Rabbi Starr unraveled the sensitive topic.

"Your response may depend on the intimacy of the relationship between your acquaintance and their relative(s) who perished in the Holocaust. If they never knew the decedent, they probably have an intellectual response--rather than emotional. This would be similar to a family with relatives who died in the Civil War, or had a relative who was murdered; the mindset would be 'this is a piece of family history.'"

"In life, tragedies and joys mark our souls."

Rabbi Starr counseled that it is always wise to approach the incidence of a death with sensitivity and awareness. "We cannot judge others."  How survivors feel about a death--whether it occurred decades or days ago, is their personal business.

The phrase, "NEVER FORGET" often accompanies Holocaust exhibits, memorials and memoirs. Should that impassion our sympathy with humanitarian zeal? Should I consider a time-honored memorial tradition like planting a tree in Israel?

Photo by Ted Percival

"They may not be in mourning, and such a gesture would be unnecessary," replied Rabbi Starr. "Unlike someone losing a family member on 911 who, even after fourteen years, may very well still be grieving. This is why sensitivity and awareness should be your guide."

The Rabbi continued,"'Never Forget' is part of our Jewish ethos," Stories and memories are certainly a powerful means to 'never forget.' "You could ask the person you are speaking with: 'would you be willing to tell me more?'  That type of question gives them an out. Respect the yes or the no.  

The Condolence Coach feels that a simple note will be a caring gesture. Simple but sincere elements will:

• express respect
• extend a 'quiet' sympathy at this piece of their family history
• ask the question, 'would you tell me more about these family members, sometime?'

Thank you for caring!

Final Conversations: Helping the dying transition from this world

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Although entering hospice is a time focused on urgent and immediate needs like symptom management, once the stresses associated with admission abate, more person-centric conversations can take place. They are always meaningful.

The Condolence Coach encourages you to be open to opportunities for these final conversations:

• Speak with the dying person.
• If you have a friend with a dying family member, you can plant the same seeds of reflection, by "wondering out loud":
• "Do you think your mother has any last wishes?"
• "I'd like to tell her how much I appreciated being invited to stay for supper when we'd play after school."
• "Would you like us to sing the old Christmas carol duet to her?"

Talking about life accomplishments is an important source of validation and peace.

Arbor Hospice social worker Rebecca Faszcza, MSW, explained:

“I try to encourage discussion about the patient’s life satisfactions and achievements. Establishing a rapport can begin as simply as asking, ‘Tell me about yourself, have you always lived in this area? What did you do for a living? (and if age appropriate) What have you enjoyed in your retirement?’

It is so rewarding when I can facilitate contented reflections for the patient, and deepen the admiration and understanding of their family. Recently, a patient opened up with fond boyhood memories of his parents. He gratefully remarked, ‘It’s so good to remember those times.’ His family delighted in stories of their heritage, saying, ‘Wow- you never told us that!’”

No matter how old we are, acknowledgement feeds our spirit. 

Say it while you can.

• “You started out with a saw and a hammer, and now the construction company has 80 employees!”
• “We’re so proud that you were a ‘Rosie Riveter’ during the war years.”
• “You raised us by yourself and never complained.”

Talking about things left undone may reveal something important.

Some things--like projects or paperwork, can be satisfied by a work session with note taking, sketching a diagram, bringing documents to a bedside and listening attentively!

• “I never got around to finishing that wiring in the attic.”

• “I hid some savings bonds in the bottom of my sewing basket.”
• “I never told you this, but …”

Talking about hopes for special experiences can be part of the end of life journey, too.

Have you asked any of your loved ones if they have a bucket list? A bucket list states actions and experiences sought before death. It may be committed to memory or paper, composed thoughtfully or on a whim. Social worker, Rebecca, likes to help patients honestly face life’s loose threads...and sometimes, there’s a way to weave them to completion.

“If they express a dream to do something that is now out of reach, I might say ‘there’s no fix for that,’ but encourage them to talk more about it, learn about it with movies, pictures, the internet. What’s most beneficial is getting it off your chest by talking about it. Patients really relax and even enjoy the ‘armchair traveler’ experience.”

• “I thought about riding a motorcycle cross country.”

• “I always wanted to touch an elephant.”
• “I wanted to take a hot air balloon ride.”

These conversations should be light, prompt laughter and imaginative musing. Pull out your computer and show your loved one some YouTube videos of those bucket list adventures.

Adults have dreams, too. 

While children in hospice are often treated to wonderful experiences through Make-A-Wish interventions, Rebecca understands that adults may have a longing for a final visit with someone.

“Many times, a terminally ill patient just wants to see out-of-state family. If physical circumstances allow it, we encourage them-with family help--to make the trip. I will coordinate with a hospice at their destination, to ensure they have support in case of an emergency. And when he or she returns will photos and lots of good memories, they are in a peaceful place.”

If a longing to see distant relatives cannot be physically managed, consider setting up video chat sessions with Skype (for Windows or Android) or FaceTime (for Mac or iPhone).

Tweak the timeline of a special occasion.

Arbor Hospice Lead Spiritual Care Coordinator, Chaplain Diane Smith, has frequently officiated at bedside wedding ceremonies. Though unofficial, the ritual enables a beloved family member to witness a milestone moment. “I support their hopes and ideas. Family cooperation is great: one bride bought a special dress, a violin was played, and mom brought and served cake.”

Is there a final conversation you can have with someone, today?


Remember that sending a note to a terminally ill person is also an option. The Condolence Coach addresses what to say in this post.

Thank you for caring!