Memorial Service Surprise: being quoted because you cared

Photo used with permission:
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

The memorial service was on Saturday afternoon at 2 o'clock, but my newly widowed neighbor had advised: come around 1:30 because it will get busy.

Our community has a sizable population of seniors. We enjoy varied interests, often volunteer, we have setbacks and sickness, we die.

You know how it is with neighbors

 

You connect with some, others are strangers but you know their car or truck. David was a good guy and being really sick didn't make him a hermit. If you needed a ride or a tool or advice about a snake in your yard--he was your go-to-guy. But he died.

We'd been to his bedside once hospice took over. His grip on my hand was fierce as he searched his weary brain for Bible citations, asking his wife to pull the Good Book down from a high shelf. Lisa opted for an iPad Concordance. Verses were read, but his hunger would not be met by the sagging slice of blueberry pie nearby. David was ready to harvest the crop of his life's sowing.

Led by David's widow to the front row at the memorial, we were greeted warmly before the service, by dozens of the congregation. 'Neighbors' had embarrassingly-exalted status here. Over and over, with handshakes and smiles, I repeated our appreciation for the family we came to support.

The designated speaker, Lamar, shared his own story of David's skill, kindness, and 'righteousness.' This go-to-guy had touched many lives. Reaching for a sheet, Lamar said, "Let me share from a note that Lisa received."

I began to hear my own words..."We were very saddened to not have more time with David. He lived the love-thy-neighbor Golden Rule..."

Photo used with permission:
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

Writing a condolence note, sharing your thoughts and memories in a sympathy card, is a gesture that touches more lives than you may imagine. It is a wonderful prospect, really: you have written to one person (in this case, David's wife) and yet, all who visited Lisa after the death, read-- and were comforted by-- the cards she had received. This is why a handwritten condolence note is so much more valuable than an electronic message:  it can be shared in a way that resonates with deeply-felt presence.

Don't let the prospect of unexpected readers scare you off! 

My Top 5 Keys for a Comforting Condolence Note
is a reliable aid; using two or three Keys is all it takes for a sensitive and comforting note.

1. I am very sorry.
2. I feel so fortunate to have known (use name) because___.
3. You have been a wonderful ___ (state relationship and cite an example, if possible.)
4. My favorite memory of (use name) is ___.
5. What I admired most about (use name) is ___.

Feel encouraged? Keep reading! 

Why Is Sympathy Sweet?

Don't Rush Your Condolence Note

The View from Downward Dog: Little Observations

Thank you for caring!

Eckhart Tolle and why teachers repeat wisdom

At the start of his big retreat events, spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle shares "if you came today expecting to hear a new concept that will turn the key that puts it all together for you, you will be disappointed or bored. I will not tell you anything new but rather, only what you already know, inside."

There are many teachers who have one basic teaching and, though their books can fill a shelf, the lesson repeats.

With close to 10 years of posts, the Condolence Coach realizes readers may consider me quite repetitive. You may remember the epigraph in my book, Words for When there are No Words: Writing a Memorable Condolence Note,  "There is nothing sweeter than to be sympathized with"  (George Santayana). This is why I have one core teaching: 

Expressions of condolence matter.

So let's run through my key condolence wisdom teachings. When you hear of a death-- be it a loved one, a pet, an admired acquaintance or professional contact, stopping to care and express simple kindness such as: "I'm very sorry to hear that," softens life's hard edges.

(Author image)

Eckhart Tolle speaks of our inner wisdom, and the Condolence Coach believes that you can train your inner compass so that sensitive sympathetic contact occurs with ease.
Take a moment to review the following list of 12 simple concepts. Copy it to your notes app or your Cloud, and assimilate it -- when you walk this wisdom, you rock this wisdom!

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

1. Listen.
2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult.
3. A gentle hug, shoulder touch, may have more value than words.
4. We all die, but there is no "easier age" to grieve; this includes a miscarried child.
5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.
6. Learn and use a name.
7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence.
8. Ask a survivor for one of their favorite memories.
9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note.
10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.
11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices.
12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, and easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring!

Words for when there are No Words: Peek In the Book

When I wrote and copyrighted my book in 1999, I wanted to share my beliefs about the value of written condolence. I had been writing notes for years and always received appreciative replies. My "mission and message" contained a set of tools I called:

 KEY COMFORTS

Formatted as a list of Keys for building a condolence note, I composed many sample condolence notes, and highlighted the use of Keys in each note. Readers may find those sample notes to be lengthy; In hindsight, I do too.  I have never dictated letter length: word count is a concept best left in the realm of college essays and magazine articles. To effectively use Key Comforts, you will learn that many are highly specific and easily misused. Only a few (two or three) should be chosen, and the content you compose will flow to a natural length. For example, the most-often-used Keys:
# 2  Sharing a well-known memory,
#3  Sharing a personal memory, and
#4  Sharing a humorous memory

invite story telling. What is your style?  A long and winding tale is very different from a snapshot! It is your choice:  be yourself and use your voice.  As promised, here is a peek in the book...

Preface

I was in a difficult relationship when Grandma died in 1981. She had telephoned me in Colorado, a couple months earlier, to say she and Grandpop were embarking on a big adventure to travel cross country and visit scattered grand kids. I squelched the inner desire to connect with my grandmother, who creatively nurtured me through childhood. But my outward reaction was one of panic. How could I have my beloved grandparents come to visit, when I was feeling a great deal of uncertainty about everything in my life?  Ultimately, I urged them to pass me by, citing high altitude health risks. It was a painful sacrifice.

While returning to their Florida home, after a visit with my parents in Michigan, Grandma died in the Detroit Metropolitan Airport. My boyfriend took the telephone call, speaking quietly with my mother. Guilt and confusion muddied my deep grief. Unable to fly to Florida for Grandma’s burial, I sent flowers, only to later learn the wire service couldn’t get the timing of delivery right, and abandoned the order.
My first encounter with an unexpected death was cruel. I found solace by composing a simple note to my mother who surely needed comfort, too.  For, it was in her arms, on the cold floor of a women’s restroom, she had said goodbye to her mother.

Dear Mom,

You are not alone in coping with the baffling timing of Grandma’s death. [sharing the loss] Adult travels placed great length between my visits with Grandma and Grandpop. But Grandma followed me with letters of love and encouragement. I have no doubt she did the same for others. Her sweetly typed letters - and signature sign-off, “I’ll close now with all of our love and kisses to you,” were as pleasant for her as they were comforting to us.[sharing a well-known memory]

I was glad to hear of the pastor’s gentle question to Grandpop, “What has happened here?” One sensitive question allowed him to express his sorrow. I trust that his return to Florida will place him in the doting care of Al as well as his many friends at the Seniors’ Cultural Center.[sharing an observation of commiseration]

Mom, I feel helpless to offer you much consolation. But I want to thank you and Dad for regularly bringing Grandma and Grandpop into our lives. I will cherish those memories.[gratitude for the deceased’s life]

Chapter 1 The Written Word Still Weighs In

Responding to news of a death (human or beloved pet), loss of a job or relationship, or whatever you know was meaningful to another, is never easy. In our busy world, good intentions get shuffled. Tough tasks, particularly condolence writing, can get passed over. And if you find the prospect of cleaning out the garage more approachable, you are not alone. It is not a cold heart paralyzing your pen but a reverence for the impact of what has occurred. How can you possibly put your feelings into words? How can you find the right words when you feel awkward, or uncertain of circumstances?

Throughout these pages you will find suggestions on better ways and better words to let survivors know you care. The better words do not cajole survivors to forget or get-over, replace or find distractions, nor even counsel acceptance through a religious-based platitude. Though well-intentioned, these words are powerless. However, a key to comforting is a true admission of your powerlessness. In this way, your condolence will touch the grieving heart.

[Source]

Why do we write?

Readers may enjoy visiting some of my early thoughts about why a condolence note matters:

Beyond I'm Sorry

FAQs

Miss Manners Votes for Old Fashioned Condolence

Some Keys to Comfort Explained

Grief and Health: The healing powers of condolence

Thank you for caring!

Writing Condolence to Clergy

My husband and I know a lot of clergy and, just like the rest of us, they experience deaths in their family. We sympathize with their losses and have even traveled out of state for funerals. Contemplating a condolence note however, elicits a pause in the best of letter writers.

It is natural to feel hesitant or even intimidated, thinking:

• They're an expert on counsel and comfort
• What can I say that they don't already know
• They have a deeper wisdom and inner strength
• What if I say something that doesn't fit with their doctrine of beliefs
• I am not a member of their church
• I do not follow or practice their religion
• Maybe my note would be an invasion of privacy
• I didn't know their family

Mt. Hope 
Congregational Church

The Condolence Coach posed these hesitations to Rev. Dr. Steven B. Schafer, pastor of Mt. Hope Congregational Church in Livonia, Michigan. Rev. Schafer is the author of Funerals for Strangers, A Resource of Compassionate Care for Those Who Grieve. He has officiated at hundreds of funerals for families who do not have a church affiliation, but still want a prayerful and spiritually uplifting service for their loved one. Rev. Schafer meets with each family, attentively gathering a rich profile of the deceased's life in order to craft a heartwarming eulogy.  

Rev. Schafer cautioned that he "can't speak for all clergy," but I think his remarks will deepen your commitment to condolence writing.

We hesitate to write to clergy because...

1. You're an expert on counsel and comfort; what can I say that you don't already know?

Rev. Schafer: You can't say anything they don't already know, but that is true for everyone we might want to express sympathy to. We all know the "pat answers." 

2. You have a deeper wisdom and inner strength.

Rev. Schafer: Pastors are just as human as anyone else and feelings run just as deep. Yes, the inner strength may be a bit deeper, yet when grief comes, that often fades away and we are as vulnerable as anyone else. We've learned to put a distance between ourselves and the deaths we face in our congregations simply because that is expected and called for. When we lose someone we love, though, we hurt as deeply as anyone else. We cannot put those emotions on hold, nor should we.

3. What if I say something that doesn't fit with your doctrine of beliefs?

Rev. Schafer: Don't worry about our doctrine in times of crisis. We've had people hold differing positions from our own all our professional lives and unless it is heresy we just let it go in times like this. 
Don't say: "At least he's in a better place." Theologically a minister may not believe that to be the case and we don't want to discuss that with sympathizers. Unless the deceased is a person of faith, you'll never hear a minister using that phrase. 
Don't say: "It was God's will." Yes, we believe God is sovereign but that isn't the same as God's will always being done. We've seen God's will thwarted often in our lives and ministries. 
Say something like: "I'm so glad his suffering is over," or "It must have been so hard these past few months, watching him struggle," or "It must be difficult to imagine life without him now." These express empathy without stepping into theology.

4. I am not a member of your church.

Rev. Schafer:  Not a member of my church? Wonderful! I need an "outsider" to minister to me. My own flock are the people I minister to - even when I am, myself, in grief. If someone else loves me enough to express sympathy they are ALWAYS welcome.

5.  I do not follow or practice your religion.

Rev. Schafer: Different religion? Again, I appreciate having an "outsider" care about my feelings and situation. Don't pretend you know all that I believe. Just be there. Say you are sorry for my loss. Give me a hug. 

6.  Would my note be an invasion of privacy?

Rev. Schafer: A written note is NEVER an invasion of privacy - unless you expect a reply.

The Condolence Coach:  Rev. Schafer has a quick wit, but there is truth in what he says. A condolence note is not an 'exchange.' Your note is a gift that requires no thank-you from the bereaved.    

7.  I didn't know your family member.

The Condolence Coach:  That is never an excuse from writing. See my suggestions in the steps listed below.

5 steps for your note to grieving clergy 

1. Use simple stationery or a card with a simple design. If there is a printed message on a card, it should be brief and kind but not syrupy.
2. Find out and use the name of the deceased: it's okay to ask the person you are writing to, "what is your mother's name?" Your goal to recognize the humanity of clergy can be achieved by commenting on the relationship (mother, father, sibling, grandparent...) and sharing a parallel experience if you have had that loss.
3. In addition to the sentiments suggested by Rev. Schafer, the Condolence Coach offers Keys To Comfort expressions such as: "I hope you are having a chance to share stories and memories with others in the family," and "many people are probably thinking about ______, and how she touched their lives."  
4. Your note can improve its ranking as 'memorable' by using these Keys to Comfort: Sharing a personal memory and/or Appreciation for survivor's (the clergy you are addressing) personal qualities.  
5. Don't over-think it, but a simple closing should mirror your familiarity with the clergy person: 'Sincerely' or 'Take Care' is always appropriate. Writing to your own minister or church staff invites deeper feeling such as 'Keeping you in my prayers,' or 'May God bless and comfort you.'

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Please Don't Ask Me How My Son Died

2014 National Military Survivor Seminar

Readers may remember my introduction to 

TAPS.org

I explained the compassionate condolence policy enacted by President Barack Obama in 2011. In POTUS Does It And So Should You we explored the importance of reversing a long standing Department of Defense dictum of not sending condolence to families if their deployed soldier committed suicide. 

But the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors is dedicated to caring for the families of fallen heroes who died under any circumstance:

"They all thought their loved one would return home from a military assignment. Instead, their worst nightmare came true... We welcome into TAPS anyone who is grieving the death of someone who died in the military - so our families have experienced loss in a variety of ways - from combat, suicide, terrorism, homicide, negligence, accidents, and illness. Our survivors include mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, fiances and other relatives of those who have died." TAPS.org

This remarkable poem was first published on the TAPS Blog, on August 6, 2014.  Written by Karen Mojecki, mother and survivor of a beloved son serving in the United States Army, it raises awareness like nothing the Condolence Coach could write.

Please Don't Ask Me How My Son Died

Please don't ask me how my son died

His mode of death is not germane

He died while serving and defending….

Our way of life and liberty

He was upholding Army values

Of honor…commitment…integrity…

Your question rewinds my journey

To the "knock" on my front door

Two officers wearing uniforms

Were waiting on our porch

Their message was not wanted

They spoke those dreaded words

This son I had once sheltered…

I was not able to protect...

It hurts for me to think about

His pain, his wounds, his death

The grief begins again anew,

When someone asks me how he died

I do not want to name the projectile

That was the cause of his demise

Or how the medics tried to save him

Before he breathed his last -- and died

Perhaps others can recount those facts

I find them too horrid to describe

So please don't ask me how he died….

And replay that moment once again

Understand this painful journey

With compassion in your heart

Those final minutes were just a fraction

Of a unique and greater life

If you want to know about my son

His traits, his values, his loves

Then listen as I remember

And help me to celebrate

The life of this exceptional man

And exactly how he lived!

+++

2014 Good Grief Camp for young survivors

Karen's request that we "not ask" about death circumstances is excellent advice. Being supportive is simple: just be present to the bereaved. If you are around when a thought or story or tears flow, just be there. Truly, that is enough. 

I know a military mom who lost her son, and whenever I've been in her company, she talks with pride about all the people his life crossed paths with, and how much he was loved. She has had those "circumstance" conversations--with the military, with the medical examiner, with her surviving children. That's enough for her lifetime, don't you think?

This is strong validation for the use of good memories and pleasant stories in our condolence notes. 

Refresh your thoughts on these condolence writing topics:

POTUS Does It and So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

Keys to Comfort Explained  (sharing a memory )

Replacing Painful Memories With Good

Share this post with a friend, and thanks for caring!

Why Is Sympathy Sweet?

My book, Words for when there are No Words, Writing a Memorable Condolence Note opens with this quote:  

"There is nothing sweeter
 than to be sympathized with."

Written by George Santayana (1863-1952), this philospher, essayist, poet, and novelist had a prolific career. Spanish by birth, he was Harvard educated and continued there as faculty, until retiring to Europe. Some of his students become literary giants: T. S. Eliot, Robert Frost, Gertrude Stein, Horace Kallen, Walter Lippmann, and W. E. B. Du Bois.

[Source]

Why is sympathy sweet?

Replacing painful memories with good

THOUGH WE ARE NOT COMPUTERS, WE CAN BE REPROGRAMMED. If you have, in any capacity, been present during or close to a death, you have been left with some difficult memories.

In their extreme, Post Traumatic Stress may linger and require professional care. But for most of us, attendance during the final days and hours of life is simply hard/sad/frightening. For awhile, our thoughts return to those memories again and again. It is a difficult and powerful experience.

Once again, I have been inspired by columnist, Amy Dickinson  as she addresses the wondrous value of the written word in healing grief. She advises a grieving pet owner to enlist family and friends in writing positive thoughts about the cat's life. Replacing sad memories with happy ones essentially "reprograms" the focus of the grieving mind and heart.

   Under any circumstance, a condolence note using the shared memory Key to Comfort contributes to the grieving person's serenity in remarkably healing ways.

Thank you for caring!

"Keys To Comfort" explained

The Keys to Comfort are topics suggested for condolence notes.

I designed them to span various levels of familiarity (did you know the deceased or just a family member?) They are also situation specific (did you face a loss with identical circumstances?)

Let's look at a couple.

1. Sharing the loss: 

 This Key is used to acknowledge your mutual loss. Just saying "I am so sorry that Mia died" is a way to share the loss. "We are really going to miss your mom at the weekly sing-a-longs!" Is another way to share the loss. Grief can be an isolating experience, so it is truly comforting to remind a bereaved person that they are not alone!

2. Sharing a well-known memory: 

 This Key gives you an opportunity to share a story that many people remember. (Nothing embarrassing!) At the funeral home, I frequently hear this Key applied. "Gordie had a unique way of answering the phone..." and the room full of people chuckle and nod and feel warmly united in affection. Including this Key in your note is a way to celebrate the person.

200 million year old petrified ammonite fossil
[Source]

The Coach has more Keys to Comfort! Stay tuned and thank you for caring!

5 Tips for Sympathy Notes To Your Boss

SHE SIGNS YOUR PAYCHECK, BUT...

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How do you feel about writing the boss a condolence note?

 I appreciate some distance between work and personal life though clearly, who we are is a blend of both.  The boss, your supervisor, the team leader-- has family and will lose family.

Here are my 5 tips for expressing condolences in a professional relationship:

1. Use simple stationery.  Do not use company letterhead but personalized business stationery is fine. Do not use a legal pad or a greeting card covered in roses. 
2. If there is a printed message on a card, it should be brief  and kind but not syrupy.
3. Find out and use the name of the deceased: it's okay to ask the person you are writing to, "what is your mother's name?" (note the use of the present tense "is"!)
4. Some useful Keys To Comfort expressions are:  "this must be a difficult time," "I hope you are having a chance to share stories and memories with others in the family," "many people are probably thinking about ______, and how she touched their lives." 
5. A simple closing-- 'Sincerely' or 'Take Care' is appropriate and sufficient.

If you know your boss well, you will know if other caring components are fitting. You do not need to offer future personal support. 

And, if YOU are the boss, set a wonderful example, and write a note to your bereaved employee. I know very busy executives who, when informed of an employee's loss, take a few moments to handwrite a meaningful condolence. IT MATTERS!

Sharing History: Hero or Villian?

Today, my husband and I visited the Detroit Historical Museum; we really enjoyed wandering through the three floors of exhibits. I was pleased to see that both young children and adults were engaged.

One exhibit in particular, called:  HEROES OR VILLAINS? presented biographical information and artifacts on 16 prominent individuals of the metropolitan Detroit area.

In a remarkably unbiased way, each man and woman was described on display panels. Nearby, were a few panels with quotations by their contemporaries;  these panels--though black and white--were flaming with accusatory and angry sentiment!  Heroes or villains?

Such contradictions are not restricted to public personalities; we each live in shadows and sunshine. 

And at funerals, conversation can drift in either direction. Is it acceptable to "speak ill of the dead"?  That is for you to answer.

The Coach says:  never discuss a person's 'shadows' in a condolence note.

You may have memories of the deceased from work or leisure that offer a unique perspective. Sharing history (memories) is one of my favorite Keys For Comfort. It does come with an unbreakable rule: never shock, humiliate or belittle the person who died.  Be your own censor, bite your tongue (or pen,) dig deep if you have to, but be kind as you share history. Your condolence note should resonate with words so precious that they will be re-read!

Hero or villain? The answer does not belong in a memorable condolence note.

Share this thought with a friend. And thanks for caring.

FAQs

[Source]

TALKING ABOUT DEATH can be difficult, awkward, even frightening. In western culture, we are so used to avoiding specifics and applying euphemisms that the mystique surrounding our shared conclusion (death!) continues.

During workshops, classes, and presentations, I always leave time for questions...

Q. I just found out that a former co-worker's dad died last year. Is it too late to send a note?
A. It is never too late to send a note. Never. The death remains a fact in your co-worker's life and, in a year's time, the stream of sympathies has likely dried up. Your note will be a gift.

Q. Won't my note stir up more pain?
A. Your note will arrive where the recipient is in their bereavement. We do not "make" someone feel one way or another, but a sensitive condolence note can be very comforting. In my book, I describe the Keys To Comfort-- tools for non-judgemental expression. All losses are not the same.

[Source]

Q. I sent flowers to the funeral home, with a message for the card; isn't that enough?
A. Is it? A flower card is the size of a business card, and frequently computer generated. Perhaps you have a memory of the deceased that could be shared in a handwritten note.

Thanks for caring! I welcome questions from my blog readers.