Grief and Condolence During the Holidays

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This is the darkest day of the year... 

according to astrophysical data; the winter solstice brings sunrise later and sunset sooner. For someone grieving, that's nothing new. 

And it doesn't need to be "new" grief to feel acute at this time of year. Holiday seasons are known to trigger sentimental longings in general, and very painful longings for loved ones (and pets) who are no longer in our physical world.

If you are compassionately leaning toward others who are struggling during these days of holiday songs, decorations, gaiety, and celebration rituals, here are some helpful ideas from some of my past posts.

If you are grieving---newly or seasonally, these and other posts may be helpful. You can use the keyword search to find many more supportive posts, including posts about specific types of loss.

Gifts For Someone Grieving

Condolence During the Holidays

Nan Zastrow's 8 Steps to Tame the Holiday Blues

Supporting Grieving Teens

Compassion for Pet Loss

Surprise: I Thought I Was Past Grieving

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Grow Up! The Condolence Basics You Need Now. Part 1

Grow Up! 

How many times did you hear that before you were 25? Are you still hearing it in your 30's or 40's? If so, someone is trying to persuade you toward mature choices. "Grow up!" is a verbal face slap, taking you by the figurative shoulders for a shake and command: it's time to think of somebody other than yourself.  "But I do think of others!"  you protest. The Condolence Coach agrees and believes you are trying, but...

If you're stalled on the playground plateau of just playing nicely, mastering condolence skills will launch you off the swings and onto solid grown-up ground.

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This post reaches into the Condolence Note Coach archives to quickly deliver the basics you need now. Clicking on the post link will flesh out the concept, but if you need a 5 minute crash course, here it is.

1. Beyond 'I'm Sorry'  You can't change the circumstances facing your friend, co-worker, neighbor, cousin or client...but there is an additional way to communicate sympathy long after the loss:  a memorable condolence note.  


2. FAQ's  It is never too late to send a note. Never. The death remains a fact in your [friend or] co-worker's life and, in a year's time, the stream of sympathies has likely dried up. Your note will be a gift. Don't Rush Your Condolence Note  Waiting can enhance the note you will write…as you have opportunities to gather a little information, view photos, hear stories.

3. To Have Another Birthday is a Privilege  We are powerless over the loss and subsequent pain, but saying "I'm sorry" and applying a sincere hug or handshake is an act you DO have power over. You have the power to express that you care.

4. In A Better Place  It is never appropriate for you to offer a platitude such as "she's in a better place." But if the grieving express this to you, a lovely reply might be:  "I'm glad that is a comfort to you."

5. Death Doesn't Take a Holiday  Can sympathy be commingled with seasonal greetings during holidays and other special days? It can’t.  Should traditional messages be set aside? Yes.

6. Condolence After a Suicide  Survivors of suicide [family of the deceased] have great need of compassionate, non-judgmental words. Acknowledge a normal life, once lived: share a memory or tell a kind story.

7.  When Children Die
A good condolence acknowledges the pain and offers to listen. The note says that you are praying for comfort, but does not tell the recipient to. You pen a sweet memory and hope to hear some of theirs. Grow in awareness and sensitivity: do some reading about the grief experiences of parents.

8. When a Pet Dies  DO NOT ask when they will get another pet. Period. 

9. Supporting Grieving Teens  Journaling or writing poetry is one of the most widely suggested tools for teens to process grief. Consider a “condolence gift” of a blank book or journal. Write a question on the first page, like: "How did you feel when you heard the news?"

 10.  Supporting Someone with a Terminal Illness  Remember this: until you are dead, you are alive.  Recognize the life, the day-by-day simple moments of the person you write to. Embrace the opportunity to say thank you, to ask for a story, to appreciate a sunrise, a funny pet, a song.

So, did you notice that writing condolence is about supporting survivors? The Coach invites you to read The Mourners Bill of Rights   One of the grown-up skills you are adopting is COMPASSION. Living compassionately, daily, is a standout characteristic. You will be astonished by how it changes you!

Thank you for caring!

Gifts for Someone Grieving: Priceless Privacy and Peace

When I read the tweet from my blogging colleague, Kelly, about her 2016 list of gift ideas for a Highly Sensitive Person, my first reaction was to imagine the themes of comfort they would offer. And isn't comfort exactly what we try to offer to a grieving person? I retweeted that tweet to followers of @condolencecoach and they were pleased.

It is the month of Christmas and Hanukkah:  where do you stand with your gifting ideas? Specifically, are you struggling over the paradox of feeling festive but caring, during a friend's grief journey? I wrote about this in my post, Condolence During Holidays. My key message was/is:  Condolence is condolence. Don't try to squeeze condolence and holiday cheer onto one postage stamp. Likewise, don't imagine a grieving person is taking a "timeout" from pain.

Caring sympathy is not about distraction.

Your sensitivity to another person's journey of sadness should be active during gift selection. In happier times, you easily chose the latest and greatest gadget or device, the funniest toy or video, the loveliest jewelry or garment. Now, sensitivity dictates that you acknowledge this person and family's slurry of emotions, the barrage of tasks and uncertainties they are struggling through. Yes, it's complicated. It's called compassion.

Caring gifts deliver c-a-r-e! 

And so I refer my readers to Kelly's 2016-17 Gift Guide for Highly Sensitive People & Introverts. She introduces the Guide as:

"presents for people who are overwhelmed by social and environment stimuli, are empathic, sensitive to beauty, and cherish privacy and peacefulness." 

Early in grief (and the definition of time is up to the individual!) this description may easily fit someone facing the death of a significant person.

Kelly's blog has rich and varied content about what it means to be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). In her introduction to the phrase, "Highly Sensitive Person," we learn of a unique trait for sensitivity. I propose that there are also times of life when sensitivity spikes...grief is an excellent example. So why not use this tremendous insight in the art of condolence and sympathetic companionship?

Please click on this link to explore a remarkable collection of gift ideas. The 2016/17 Gift Guide for Highly Sensitive People includes book selections for kids and teens.

Thank you, Kelly! And thank you, readers, for caring! 

Update to readers: The Condolence Coach no longer uses social media such as twitter, X, Instagram, etc.

Nan Zastrow's 8 Steps to Tame the Holiday Blues

This article appeared in the November 2015 issue of one of my favorite grief support publications, GRIEF DIGEST MAGAZINE published by the dedicated people of Centering Corporation. Their motto:  "We give you support. We give you information. We give you hope." is a doorway to innumerable resources and sensitive support. I love that they even have gifts for grieving individuals: Because We Care- Care Packages. Need Spanish language grief resources? Centering Corporation is there for you and even carries a lovely sympathy card in Spanish.

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A lot of people find the holiday season challenging. Traditions, extra gatherings and the expectations of

• shopping and gift-giving, 
• hospitality in a tidy, festive home, and
• hours of baking and cooking

...are a recipe for incredible pressure. Oh-- and if you are grieving, multiply that by one thousand. Nan Zastrow has been through it, and shares her strategies.

Taming the Holiday Blues   

 an essay by Nan Zastrow  

What can I do to help me through holiday blues during my difficult time?

Trust that the holiday blues are normal and they will pass. There isn't any single recipe that works for everyone and probably none that will cure the blues completely. But here are some ideas for taming the holiday blues that I've used in the past years to help my family and me.

Taming the "blues" #1: Cancel your expectations; traditions change. The pressure to be "happy" and "merry" over the holidays sometimes creates deeper sadness and loneliness. There are so many expectations to live up to--everyone's expectations but our own! Accept that it is difficult for family and friends to understand what and how you are feeling during this time. In most cases, it's not intentional. They want us to be happy like they are, and they think they are doing us a favor by enticing us to join in the merriment. It may be necessary to "ask for understanding and support."

Recognize that all family relationships change over time and so do traditions. So update your current situation to modify the traditions that will work for you. Your family and friends will also modify their holiday traditions at some time--and not necessarily because of the death of a loved one. You will see that as children grow and go off to college or get married, as parents and spouses die, family celebrations for most families change also. While this death in your life is the immediate source of your emptiness and grief, soothe your pain by accepting that changes are inevitable for many reasons.

Taming the "blues" #2:  Communicate, but stand your ground. You know you are feeling anxious about the pending holidays. You know what your fears are and what your potential problems will be. The rest of your family and friends don't know what you are thinking or feeling. If you clue them into your fears, they may try to understand the reason for your actions and decisions and it will be easier for them to accept. However, it's important to stand your ground. Sometimes, your family and friends will try to coerce you into doing something you aren't able to handle. If you feel very firmly that this wouldn't be good for you this year, simply say, "I'm sorry. Not this time (this year), but ask me again sometime."

Taming the "blues" #3:  Be socially flexible and escape. Don't make plans for social events and dinners too far in advance. But keep the option open to participate. Sometimes it's easier to say, "I'm not going to go to the church recital or to Grandma's for Christmas dinner," because you believe that it would be better to just be alone, but this isn't always true. Feel free to tell people that you are taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one event at a time. Most family and friends will respect your need to reserve a last-minute decision. Also, build in an escape. Drive your own car so when you are ready to leave, you can leave. Notify your host prior to coming, that you aren't certain how long you will stay. Prepare an excuse if you feel you need one to allow you to leave with no questions asked.

If you feel you really want to hold a social event in your own home over the holidays but aren't sure if you can "handle it," set limits. Invite guests, but give them a beginning and ending time such as 7:00-9:00 p.m. Ask someone you know well to be the "lead exiter" when it's time for company to leave. This will give others the hint that it's time to go, and it also gives them permission to leave without offending you.

Pre-planning 

This makes the event bearable because you can control whether you go and when you leave. There's no need to skip all of the holiday social events, but I can certainly attest to the fact that often emotions can get in the way. Remember, it's okay to be social; it's okay to laugh and have fun.

Taming the "blues" #4:  Decorate your heart first. If your heart tells you that decorating would be nice and would soothe the painful thoughts of the holidays, by all means decorate to your heart's content. If decorations and the thought of them scare you, don't put out any more decorations than your emotions will tolerate. In other words, do only what makes you feel good.

If a nativity instills the real meaning of Christmas, put it up. If a tree with keepsake ornaments is painful, forget the tree this year. I tortured myself the first year, but I felt I was making a sacrifice for my family. My daughter and Chad had received a keepsake ornament every year that was theme based. Jalane wanted to put the "kids" tree up; Gary thought it might be good for me. I did it, in private, and cried through every keepsake ornament I hung. Once the tree was decorated--a few days later--it was a source of loving memories.

I didn't hang stockings. I didn't send holiday cards. I didn't attend the usual church and social events. I didn't bake cookies. I struggled with buying simple gifts. I didn't watch the favorite holiday videos. I didn't put out my Santa collection, but I did add to my angel collection. These were some of my limitations and my sources of comfort.

Taming the "blues" #5:  Seek support, not sympathy. Rethink your attitudes about the holiday season and be honest with yourself. Are you rebelling because you are feeling sorry for yourself? Or are you truly feeling helpless, blue and a need for quiet, private time to sort out your thoughts? Or do you need someone to talk to, give you a hug or spend some time with you?

Sympathy will come automatically. How could anyone who cares about you not sympathize with the loss you are feeling? I don't believe for a moment that a loving human being can deny the evidence of pain and deliberately withhold comfort. Disarm your feeling of helplessness and use the feeling of sympathy to gain control. Ask for support. This is something everyone can relate to and rally around. People want to help, so tell them what they can do to help you.

If your blues are part of multiple past losses, and you are feeling the magnitude of loss, recognize that when you grieve wholly, you will be able to experience good feelings when you reminisce. You may feel a twinge of sadness, but the deep pain will recede.

Coping with and enjoying the holidays doesn't mean that you don't miss the person who was a special part of your life. Nor does it mean that you don't miss times the way they used to be. It means that you will continue to live after this difficult change. And you will honor the memory of your loved one in new ways.

Surround yourself with people who understand that the holidays may increase your grief and you need their loving support that honors your feelings and helps you express your grief as needed.

Taming the "blues" #6:  Forget words; find ritual. This is a lesson we learned repeatedly from Dr. Alan Wolfelt. Rituals can emphasize loving memories and give expression to feelings far beyond our vocabularies. As an individual or as a family, find a ritual that demonstrates your heartfelt feelings and do it! Memories are your keepsakes; treasure them. Take some time during the holidays to talk about good memories, share pictures, light a candle, place a wreath, contribute to a charity, or anything else that makes you think of your loved one.

Taming the "blues"#7:  Seek treasures of the soul. Going forward into the New Year is often difficult, but it can also be a time for cleansing and rejuvenation. Spend some time thinking about the experience you have been going through. What does it mean in your present and future life? Think about purpose and assess yourself as an individual. How can you help others through difficult times? Think about the positive things in your life and how you can use them to help you cope. Find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new meaning for existence.

Taming the "blues" #8:  When the giving hurts, keep on giving. We are nurtured to believe that when something hurts, it's time to pull back, quit or change what we are doing. Not a holiday has passed since Chad's death in 1993 that hasn't caused me to hurt in some way. So Gary and I decided if it hurts anyhow, we may as well "give" until it hurts a little more.

Each year, we host a "When the Holidays Hurt" workshop for the community, and in our hearts we feel the newness of the pain everyone in our workshop feels. We've walked in their shoes. But it's our way to give of ourselves and remind them that life goes on--and we need to catch up or it will pass us by. We also give to charities, but the most upsetting of these was a program we participated in that purchases gifts for unfortunate children and food to fill the family's refrigerator. Along with Santa, we delivered these gifts to the door and saw the beautiful smiles and laughter of children whom Santa wouldn't have visited any other way. We also felt the thankfulness of parents who were grateful for blessings. It was a beautiful "hurt" and it felt so good to give.

Giving of self to others is by far the best antidote for holiday blues. 

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When you wipe away the tears, clear the frog in your throat and calm the racing of your heart, you know what love and true joy are all about. There is no louder message that speaks of infinite peace on earth, goodwill to men.

 I know that Chad and my departed family will be looking down on us--missing the good times we had together--but giving us the grandest "atta boy" of them all.
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Published in the Wings magazine, Vol. X, No.4, 2003. This piece was taken from Grief Digest Magazine, Oct. 2005. For a full copy of the article email: centeringcorp@aol.com.

Do you know someone who might find this post helpful? Please pass it on!

Read another Condolence Coach post about the holidays:
Condolence During the Holidays

Thank you for caring!

Fall Wrap Up: Looking for burrs and hope

A FALL WRAP-UP.
Isn't that what happens around this time of year? We say things like:

• I can't believe it's November, or
• It's my favorite time of year, or
• It's the hardest time of year, or
• A lot's happened this year, or
• I can't wait for this year to end.

Which one did you find yourself saying? Have you had a year of life-altering events? Have you been accumulating burrs or dealing with open wounds? Are you hungry for hope?

This has been a busy year for the Condolence Coach:

• 55 posts (as of 11-11)
• 5 posts about Angels Above Baby Gowns
• 2 posts about The Hero Project, Capes for Kids
• 3 posts with military family stories
• 4 posts about kids and teens facing loss
• 5 posts about creativity in condolence
• 3 posts about professional protocol for condolences from the medical field, and in business.

I've interviewed parents who have grieved the deaths of children born premature, unexpectedly during infancy, by accident or suspicious circumstances, by murder, by suicide. Because they survive, they are my heroes.

It is important to learn about grief, even if we cannot change it.

We explored how to write supportively to a friend with a terminal illness. We've heard the stories of widows, dog owners, and grandparents who all agree how much they cherish memories and shared stories.

Burrs are tenacious. It's that time of year when walking in woods or fields renders your clothing in a terrible state. My husband was putting our yard to bed for the winter: taking down garden fencing so deer can browse the remains, lopping off giant pokeweed plants once the birds have feasted on its berry clusters, mulch mowing leaves and debris to nourish the soil, and making countless trips on that snow dusted path back to the compost bins.

After finding a trick for burr removal at archerytalk.com,  I restored Ray's pants and shirt using a plastic card as a scraper. I feel morally obligated to pass this tip along.  

Some burrs--the emotional kind, are not so easily removed. Methods that can help the release include talking about it, prayer, journaling, and often, forgiveness.

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As I discovered the charm and relative ease of scraping off the burrs, the enormity of the task faded and hope took its place. These work clothes would see another day, if not another season of burr gathering. I'm reminded of an aphorism that has buoyed me numerous times:  

When the Livonia Public Library invited me to conduct a condolence writing workshop in September, I had plenty of time to dust off my notes. But those old notes didn't suit me or the message I now wanted to share:  

Writing Condolence Notes: It's Not a Dying Art!

Making an intention to try is a powerful thing. It's not always easy; it can require courage, grit, a deep breath. I follow The Compassionate Friends on Twitter TCFofUSA and the majority of their tweets are gentle encouragements to grieving parents: take care of each other; life will get better.

 On the days that I decide to "do a long run," I'm not always feeling like an Olympiad. It had snowed while I sipped coffee and now dressed for the chill, I saw robins as I leaf-slalomed through the off-center gate of the nature preserve. But entering the wooded trails, I heard no tweeting. It was just me and my try-angle and a couple more miles to go. And then I saw it:  the smiling tree. Its greeting was not there last week, but isn't that how encouragement works? A serendipitous blessing imparting energy and hope.

I have said so many things to my readers this year. We have seen plenty of burrs and open wounds. We have seen heroic recovery from losses and seen how kind words (especially those written) can comfort and transform.

What I would like to say now is:

You matter. Thank you for caring!

Condolence During Holidays

In the 1934 romantic movie, Death Takes A Holiday, the character,“Death”, takes a break from duties to spend 3 days as a mortal man, where he falls in love. In reality, death never takes a holiday. 

The end of life can come on any day.

Festive plans are cancelled and happy occasions are seemingly scarred. A dear local matriarch is profiled in the newspaper, celebrating her 100^th birthday and, two months later, takes her last breath on New Year’s Day … My husband’s family remembers their grandfather had a fatal heart attack after his shift ended at the Dodge Plant on Christmas Eve, 1947:  “without a word, we just started taking ornaments off the tree.” For them, a busy, joy-filled season was exchanged for a black wreath on the door and a blustery graveside burial.

How can sympathy be commingled with seasonal greetings during holidays and other special days? It can’t.

Should traditional messages be set aside? Yes.

Here are my top 4 suggestions for writing condolence notes during a holiday season:

1. The best approach is to honor the life of the deceased and express your own feelings.  “When I heard that Jeremy died on Thanksgiving Day, my first thought was how grateful I was for his friendship.”

2. Do not write a sympathy note on the goofy Christmas card you planned to send to everyone on your list. Peaceful winter scene: YES. Standard imprint: NO.  Buy a blank card or a sympathy card.

Stay on task:  you are writing a condolence note. Period.

3. Grieving during a holiday season can be extremely challenging. If you have personal experience with a loss during a holiday or special occasion, share briefly, but do not give advice. The only good advice are gentle encouragements like, “Do what is comfortable,” or “Be easy on yourself.”  Instead of a clichéd “let’s get together soon” try:  “can you join me next Wednesday for breakfast at the coffee shop—@ 8:30?” Over coffee, just be a good listener.

4. Finally, mark your calendar and, next year, compose a one-year anniversary note. This might be the time to mention a special Christmas ornament, a memorial tree or tulips planted and now thriving, or a sweet memory about sweet potatoes.

“There is nothing sweeter than to be sympathized with.” George Santayana, The Life of Reason, 1905

Read more about grief and sympathy during the holiday seasons: Nan Zastrow's 8 steps to tame the holiday blues