Acupuncture for Grief Support? Yes!

 The first two weeks after my husband died was a rough road 

Photo used with permission,
Wesley Tingey, unsplash.com

I cried, cleaned, practiced yoga, yelled, journaled, read grief lit, collected condolences, went to the mortuary for the cremation ashes and talked to my new form of husband: a box. I framed photos, filled bags for a Salvation Army men's shelter, googled 'widow', wore his flannel shirt, sat in his chair and asked: 'what the heck just happened?' and 'did I rush the hospice thing?' Then I played one of his jazz CDs and had a panic attack...I did most of those things over again a few times and then...

...I had the inspiration to book an acupuncture session for grief. That's right: acupuncture is not just for allegies, arthritis, and pain. In fact, the history and uses of this component of Traditional Chinese Medicine go back to ancient times. Most communities have a number of acupuncture providers and I gained some familiarity with it when my husband used this therapy to relieve disease symptoms. Clearly, I longed for some emotional traction on this rugged track.

I was relieved that the acupuncturist was not surprised by my treatment request; Cera had deep professional experience and put me at ease in her calming suite. I was face down and needle-tingling from head to feet when a lilting instrumental rendition of "On Eagles Wings" began playing. The release of tears and tension poured out of me, softening the pain of my new reality with love, peace, and trust. 

The reboot

Dr. Chen of the Chenzen Wellness Center likens acupuncture to rebooting your computer. He explains: "When you have an acupuncture session with a holistic approach, your body has done a reset of the entire energy system. It would relax your muscles and lower the stress hormones and even slow down your breath."

Grieving people may easily have tearful moments, but the 'easy' tears are often a response to incidental frustrations or loneliness, and easy tears often leave a person feeling drained. Chen describes the cathartic nature of acupuncture as restoring a "neutral state." That is how I feel after any acupuncture: calm and neutral.

Photo by Caitlin Wynne on Unsplash

 "As suppressed emotions are merged to the surface and the heavy lid of the emotion container has melted away by the acupuncture, I have seen patients who cried for hours after acupuncture. Some said it was so satisfying to be able to express emotions openly like a kid again. The suppressed emotional stress in the body is similar to the pressure inside a volcano. After an eruption, it would return to a dormant stage. Just  try to be a 5-years old yourself, to express your feelings openly which allows you to return to an emotionally neutral state."  - Dr. Qiang Chen

Concluding the face-up portion of my treatment, Cera lifted the white sheet to remove needles; we both marveled that, at the location of the sternum needle, a small red heart of blood had been released onto the cloth. 💔

My return home did not signal a Grief Graduation---most of us know that's a silly idea; but the support was real and I felt strengthened. A couple months later, I went for a second session; because I was feeling more stable, it was comforting, calming, drama-free. Both grief and muscles improve with slow, steady attention; one day in the future you'll do something and say 'that didn't hurt like I thought it would.' 

If you are a friend to a grieving person

You may mention: "I just read about someone who got some grief support with acupuncture."  Just as you do not give unsolicited advice or make judgments about your friend's decisions, let your comment sink in or dissolve. It's your friend's grief journey and they will make their own choices, in their own time.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

To review a summary of posts and links on being widowed, click here:

Widowed 101

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

 Readers,

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It's been awhile since I just wrote some basics about supporting a grieving person. So here is a refresher, listing a dozen simple ways to express sympathy and render comfort. 

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

(from your trusted source: The Condolence Coach)

1. Listen.  2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult. "Gosh, this is a difficult time!" 3. A gentle hug or nonintrusive touch may have more value than words.  4. We all die, but there is no "easier" age for the grieving; this includes a miscarried child. 5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.  6. Learn and use a name, but it's okay to just write 'your Mom.' 7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence. 8. Ask a survivor for one of ​their​ favorite memories.  9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note. 10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.  11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices. Don't suggest things like adopting another pet, that they start dating, or that they try to have another baby. 12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Be Brave With Your Life

 The Growing Through Grief series

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Be Brave With Your Life. This expression is embossed on the cover of the journal I purchased  over a year ago. Frankly, at the time, I didn't care for the gloomy, foggy cover image; I just wanted a new notebook. Now, I understand it. 

From day to day, we navigate--seeing only as far into the unknown, unfolding day, as each next moment allows. When you have faced a very close loss--spouse, partner, child, parent-- and the numbness wears off to reveal the new skin of acceptance, the next step is yours.

If the next steps are seen as gloomy and forbidding, your next chapter of life will be exactly that, and it will be a miserable existence. The option is to 'Be Brave With Your Life'. 

Being brave is an act of trust, hope, and faith in good. Put simply, it is optimism. And so I now turn my words to you, who are on the sidelines of a person who is moving forward after a loss. Please read this carefully!

Advice for those of you on the sidelines of someone's loss:

1. Do not give advice. If you are asked for guidance or a suggestion on a specific matter, share knowledge but don't assume you've been invited in as a life coach.
2. Do not become a cop, judge, or legislator on the nature and timing of new choices. What you believe is the right way/right time to 'get on with life'-- whether in the form of relocation, activities, or relationships-- is only your opinion. Do not poison someone's bravery with your 'well-meaning concerns.' The journey forward may have some disappointments or detours, but that is true for everyone!
3.  DO encourage. When you are told of some new thing in the person's life, respond with a hug or supportive words such as: "be good to yourself," "be happy, " "I'm happy for you," "go for it," "have fun" ... And then, bite your tongue if a "well-meaning concern" bubbles up and you are dying to share it. 

My most cherished friends support me in exactly these ways. They do not own or use 'poison arrows.' Love, care, interest, and support are the precious breezes they send my way. These bolster my bravery!

Thank you for caring!

To grow in your sensitivity to others' losses, please browse this blog, often!

This post is dedicated to Terry.

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In the Bewilds: Trekking Grief's Wilderness

The Growing Through Grief series

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Let me be clear: this is a trek with all the challenges of a Himalayan expedition: low oxygen, sapping exertion, sudden storms, and shivering alone in your tent. This wilderness of experience and eviscerating emotion--what I've dubbed the Bewilds, is both an uncontrolled ride down rapids and a process of choices. Open to it all, I find myself awed by the day's catalogue of wonders: a caring email, phone message, or invitation, a kindred soul walking her dog, another pair of hands for an unfamiliar task.

In so-named books, Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD refers to 'the wilderness of grief' as life changing. Francis Weller, MFT suggests 'the wild edge of sorrow' is an invitation to sacred ground. Just as I approached my husband's dying as a sacred journey, I am committed to trying to grieve with a higher consciousness, a patient awareness.

The formidable and even frightening solo trek becomes a mindful mile if I pause to pull essentials from my pack. Surprising reliefs are found in deep and easy breaths, the reviving self care of rations, rest, and light reading. Like an LED flashlight, a companion's visit brings calming clarity; and the littlest accomplishment soothes weariness as if pulling on soft socks. 

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In Grieving,The Sacred Art, Hope in the Land of Loss, Lisa Irish notes,

 "Loss can be mourned even as positive changes become evident."  

Numerous philosophers have explored the hair's width of space between endings and beginnings. So, trekking the Bewilds is not without tears ... or anticipation. 

Hoping to feel 'like your old self' is like reaching for your comfort food. I inwardly cringed when a 5-year widow admitted to still having painful, tearful moments. My peers help me to grasp that grieving is not like post surgical rehab. We have been 'transformed' and live a 'new normal.'

This post is simply a moment in my trek into my new normal. I know that I will continue to change and grow-- and even backup, when necessary. Every griever is a solo trekker and should be respected as such. 

The Condolence Coach continues to suggest that before giving practical advice or spiritual direction to a person in mourning, you ask them if they want it. You could say things like: This may not apply to you, but when I was grieving my dad...  or You'll know when you feel ready to... or I'm glad I have a special spot to go say hello... 

Thank you for caring!

Put Your Heart In Everything You Do

Author's Prickly Pear

My spirit has a radar for hearts; I see hearts in many, many places. I've been scoffed at as silly, excitedly stopping on a trail to absorb its message or take a photo, but I know. The heart is powerful. It is meant to be seen, shared, experienced. Are you experiencing your heart, fully?

Fully in my Why and my Now

Scottish theologian, William Barclay noted: 

"There are two great days in a person's life-- the day we are born and the day we discover why."

For me, volunteering is my 'why' and a significant portal to heart experiences. Now retired, I bring whatever experience I can to whatever setting I choose to serve. Speaking with a friend about some of my volunteering, she surprised me, remarking, 'it sounds like you're overqualified.' To me, that term belongs in the employment arena, not while seeking a volunteer niche. Truthfully, I want to pour out my whole self--skills, awareness, and heart-- into everything I do. There is no limit, no measuring out and holding some in reserve. All I have is now, perhaps this complete 24 hour day, but most assuredly, this now-time. 

"'Now' is the closest approximation in time to the experience of eternity." - Alan Cohen

Do you remember that expression, "live like there's no tomorrow"? That's the secret to peace. It's the secret before last breaths are drawn and it opens an indescribably wonderful 'place.' So, every breath of now can open up to that place, if you give your all, your heart. 

Heart rocks, Tohono O'odham basket
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Today, with the exception of vegetative hearts like the prickly pear, I saw the largest heart rock, ever, at least 8 inches tall. At my excitement, my hiking partner remarked, "well, you have a big heart."

Growing Awareness and Grief Awareness

Growing in awareness is like nurturing a super power but it's not as complex as the plot of Marvel Comics' X-Men movie, where futuristic mutations give some humans extraordinary skills! Similar to the Coach's posts about the power of intuition, you must patiently access and practice:

1. presence
2. listening  
3. sensitivity 

You must also avoid judgement and giving advice! The super power of awareness allows you to support a grieving person, simply. Click on the skills links above and you will understand how what a grieving person most needs is understanding. Yes, Western culture has hammered away about productivity, and 'making yourself useful' but your super power as grief aware will be boundless when you works on these steps. Your heart will pour out like a balm with surprising results. As for those 'results', please don't seek them like feel-good candy. Trust that there are occurring because that is the nature of all heart investment!

Thank you for caring!

Eckhart Tolle and why teachers repeat wisdom

At the start of his big retreat events, spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle shares "if you came today expecting to hear a new concept that will turn the key that puts it all together for you, you will be disappointed or bored. I will not tell you anything new but rather, only what you already know, inside."

There are many teachers who have one basic teaching and, though their books can fill a shelf, the lesson repeats.

With close to 10 years of posts, the Condolence Coach realizes readers may consider me quite repetitive. You may remember the epigraph in my book, Words for When there are No Words: Writing a Memorable Condolence Note,  "There is nothing sweeter than to be sympathized with"  (George Santayana). This is why I have one core teaching: 

Expressions of condolence matter.

So let's run through my key condolence wisdom teachings. When you hear of a death-- be it a loved one, a pet, an admired acquaintance or professional contact, stopping to care and express simple kindness such as: "I'm very sorry to hear that," softens life's hard edges.

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Eckhart Tolle speaks of our inner wisdom, and the Condolence Coach believes that you can train your inner compass so that sensitive sympathetic contact occurs with ease.
Take a moment to review the following list of 12 simple concepts. Copy it to your notes app or your Cloud, and assimilate it -- when you walk this wisdom, you rock this wisdom!

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

1. Listen.
2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult.
3. A gentle hug, shoulder touch, may have more value than words.
4. We all die, but there is no "easier age" to grieve; this includes a miscarried child.
5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.
6. Learn and use a name.
7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence.
8. Ask a survivor for one of their favorite memories.
9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note.
10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.
11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices.
12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, and easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring!

Stuck On You: After Death, Is it Devotion or Baggage?

The Growing Through Grief series

I am always seeing metaphors. 

When a mammoth pine topples in the forest, it retains its anchoring grip on elements of the environment. Rocks and soil pack the lattice of roots that now face skyward. It will take decades and decades of weather and rot before a letting-go.

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How long should grief take?

The Condolence Coach has skewered some psychological models that want a quick exit to mourning. In What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved I highlighted the heavy burden of expectation placed on a grieving person. It seems to me, in a world that celebrates the "individual," we must acknowledge "different strokes for different folks...even when it is socially awkward.

Wearing your late husband's flannel shirt or pursuing regular paranormally-channelled conversations with your dead child are choices. Unusual comforts in grief should not be judged more severely than the spectrum of comforts we each choose just to make it from sunrise to sunset: shopping, tattoos, exercise or extreme sports, alcohol, drugs...

Devotion or baggage?

Devotion delivers comfort but I would suggest that baggage delivers stress. If an ongoing bond with a deceased person engenders feelings of gratitude, warmth or inspiration--human growth and awareness of our interconnectedness are nurtured. 

If an ongoing bond with a deceased person engenders feelings of powerlessness, obsession, guilt, anxiety, or the burden of unfinished business--harm is inflicted and human growth is stymied. This grieving person is stuck.

Helping someone get unstuck

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As you observe how the lanes of positive or negative seem to flow, remember that giving advice is tricky. In fact, the Condolence Coach wants you to avoid giving advice and instead, ask for advice! In essence, you are asking the stuck person to tap into their own inner wisdom.

This nugget from the writers of Highexistence.com point out:

"Once we stop taking guidance from all of those outside sources who tell us what we should do, we are free to explore what we want to do, what we’re meant to do, and what we’re truly capable of."

 An important component of your help is to stay in the present: focusing on the present circumstances and emotions of someone who seems "stuck."

• How are you today? 
• What are you doing to care for yourself, today?
• How did thinking about [person/stuck situation/behavior] make you feel?
• Is there another way to consider that [stuck situation] so it feels better?
• If I was feeling the way you are now, what would you tell me to help me move forward? 

If you're the one who is stuck

Michelle Maros, Creative Director of  Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life, describes 5 Gentle Reminders for When You're Feeling Stuck. She reminds us that this time in life has a purpose, but to find it and move forward requires some reflection:

"Often times when we are feeling stuck, it’s a sign that there’s an action we could be taking (or that our soul is begging us to take), but for some reason we just aren’t. Usually it’s because we are afraid. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel fearful, but it’s important to recognize that this fear is what is bringing you this feeling of “stuckness.” If this resonates with you, ask yourself what small, gentle action you can take to move yourself forward."

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"Small, gentle action" is a beautiful way to proceed. In the grieving process, you--or a person you are helping, could make a once-daily choice from a checklist such as this:

• Sort belongings of the deceased into groups:  donations, legacy gifts to friends and family, discards, returns to lenders or businesses (such as medical supplies), and even a group for shredding-destroying old records or extremely private, confidential material (use caution before an estate is settled--consult an accountant or attorney.)
• Take action on one item or one group described above:  start with an item that will warm your heart or the heart of the recipient.
• Do one experience or action that you "used to" enjoy:  jot a poem your journal; sit down at your piano; walk in a park, museum or gallery; pick wild raspberries; go out for coffee or an ice cream cone; get a massage, facial or manicure.
• Do one experience or action that satisfies a dream:  rent an RV and go somewhere; refresh an area of your home; adopt a shelter dog or cat...or learn how to volunteer at the shelter!

 As Michelle points out, you may, at first, feel that your "efforts aren't working," but she encourages that positive outcomes--even 'magic' are the result of patience and positive action.

Thank you for caring!

Shakespeare Observes and Advises on Life and Loss

[Source]

William Shakespeare

English poet, playwright and actor, the "Bard of Avon" was by far one of the most astute observers of humanity. His works, though written six centuries ago (1589-1613) continue to be performed and studied around the world.

Observing Humanity

Daily life is full of surprises--the avenues to observation. The Condolence Coach believes that these moments expose us to great learning opportunities. Poignant, uncomfortable, sometimes tragic, observing humanity is an important tool to write a memorable condolence note.

Shakespeare's penned style is known as poetic free verse; its rhythmic flow of iambic pentameter (ten syllables to a line) masterfully captured wit and wisdom, passion and pathos. Let's explore some Shakespearean verse...

On Compassion: The Tempest

O, I have suffered
With those that I saw suffer.
(The Tempest. Act 1. Scene 2. Miranda speaking.)

Compassion is the ultimate wellspring for our notes. Yes, it requires you to leave the beach and go out to deeper waters. Read more about a compassionate response in  Compassion and Condolence: Finding the words to walk together. 

On Reserving Judgement:  Hamlet, King Lear

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment.
(Hamlet. Act 1. Scene 3. Polonius speaking.)
and
Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest.
(King Lear. Act 1. Scene 4. Fool speaking.)

Everybody has opinions:  that is what greases the wheels of social media! But opinions and advice do not belong in a condolence note...or a conversation with a grieving person. Unfortunately, grieving people are regularly bombarded with these. You may think you are cleverly phrasing a judgement as "helpful" but I guarantee you:  it will likely hurt. Read more about this problem:
Unusual Comforts in Grief: keep your opinions to yourself  and  The Myths About Grief and Getting Over It

[Source]

On Sharing Good Memories: The Tempest, Hamlet

He that dies pays all debts.
(The Tempest. Act 3. Scene 2. Stephano speaking.)
and
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
(Hamlet. Act 5. Scene 1. Hamlet speaking.)

Stephano's reference to "paying all debts" advises us to drop the grudges and let go of bad memories. All scores (debts) drop to zero. At best, realize that the end of life takes a person "out of the game" and it is unfair to keep hashing over and bashing on your complaint. Instead, this is the time to step into Hamlet's shoes and gaze at your good memories. Sit with a piece of paper and make note of stellar moments, admirable qualities--big and small, interactions that helped or inspired you. The results are wonderful elements for use in your condolence note.

Keeping It Kind:  Love's Labours Lost

Source

Let fame, that all hunt after in their lives,
Live register’d upon our brazen tombs
And then grace us in the disgrace of death;
When, spite of cormorant devouring Time,
The endeavor of this present breath may buy
That honour which shall bate his scythe’s keen edge
And make us heirs of all eternity.
(Love’s Labours Lost. Act 1. Scene 1. King Ferdinand speaking.)

While this goes hand in hand with the previous topic, I must highlight its importance:  condolence notes are acts of kindness. Period. Speak well of the dead. Speak well of those who helped their end of life journey. Speak well of those who survive. Read more about kindness in condolence:  No Addiction Required: 12 Step Wisdom for Condolence and The 5-Step Good Life: Making Condolence Notes a Habit

On Loss of a Relationship:  King John

[Source]

Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form:
Then have I reason to be fond of grief?
Fare you well: had you such a loss as I,
I could give better comfort than you do...
O Lord! my boy, my Arthur, my fair son!
My life, my joy, my food, my all the world!
My widow-comfort, and my sorrows' cure!
(King John, Act III Constance speaking)

This soliloquy by Constance evokes the terrible pain of losing a child. In fact, she tells us that her son, Arthur, had been her "widow-comfort"-- that after losing a husband, the relationship with her son had alleviated sorrow and loneliness. The Condolence Coach acknowledges that we are powerless to change the circumstances of a loss, but we can comfort with our gift of words:  the memories, the appreciation. We can comfort by listening over a cup of coffee, with an invitation to take a walk or a scenic drive. Constance speaks of losing her son, but the relationship could be spouse, parent, sibling, grandchild. Read more about loss of relationships:
SPOUSE: Joy's Warrior Dragon: Courage Befriends a Widow
GRANDCHILD: When Grandparents Grieve
CHILD:  Missing Children: Sharing Hope While Sharing a Nightmare
SIBLING: Missing In Action! A Soldier's Sister Keeps Vigil

Thank you for caring!

What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved

"Lola copes"  - Author photo

In a 2013 survey by the online magazine, Slate, 8,000 men, women and late teens grieving the loss of someone close, were asked about numerous factors related to their experience.  93% of survey respondents noted:

"interacting with others is generally awkward at best, and painful and isolating at worst." 

It's akin to feeling naked in public or, a teen angst I can relate to--being seen during a really bad acne outbreak. Grief can be so raw, painful, and unpredictable in when it will flare up feverishly. Trying to fulfill "normal" responsibilities and the expectations of others is draining to the point of sometimes feeling hopeless or unhinged.

In journals on bereavement, in support groups and online forums, the grieving are distressed by the push to get over it. Slate survey respondents commented:

• "They would get tired of my sad mood and need to talk about it, and say I was 'wallowing' or I should move on." 
• "People are very supportive for the first couple of weeks, but then they move on. … It makes you feel guilty to continue to mourn when others are tired of dealing with it."

No wonder it's a lonely road 

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After a few encounters with friends, family, and co-workers' boredom, impatience, and jovial coaching, it feels safer to stay home, alone. Many people--but not all--find relief in peer support settings specific to their loss such as The Compassionate Friends, TAPS, for military families, or AfterGiving for grieving caregivers.

 In their analysis of the Slate survey findings, Dr. Leeat Granek, a critical health psychologist and grief researcher, and journalist/editor Meghan O'Rourke, returned to the medical branding of a grief journey that doesn't hurry up and press the Reset button on life:

"perhaps the most important finding in the data had to do with recovery from grief. Here, the answers suggested that loss takes longer to recover from than we typically imagine. More than one-quarter of our respondents reported that they never went back to feeling like themselves after their loss. Another quarter said they felt normal only "one to two years" after the loss."

Is grief a disease?

"This is of particular note since the fifth edition of the DSM (or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) [which was due for 2013 release]...may propose that a mourner can be diagnosed with "complicated, pathological, or prolonged" grief if he or she is still grieving intensely six months after a loss.  from "What is grief really like?"

Granek and O'Rourke highlighted an important human variable: "What our respondents suggested (which rang true for us) was that for many mourners, recovering from a death of a loved one can take a year or several years. For others, "recovery" may never happen at all."

Thankfully, this label was squashed by public and professional outcry, but the waters are still muddy, and doctors remain on alert for 'disease' in their assessments of grieving individuals. In his editorial for PsycheCentral.com, "How the DSM-5 Got Grief, Bereavement Right," Dr.Ronald Pies defended,

"Clinical judgment may warrant deferring the diagnosis [of major depressive disorder, MDD] for a few weeks, in order to see whether the bereaved patient “bounces back” or worsens. Some patients will improve spontaneously, while others will need only a brief period of supportive counseling — not medication."

Can we please stop pushing the bereaved? 

The Condolence Coach reminds readers:

'Heart Keys' acrylic on canvas
 Suzy St. John 

• It is not up to you to heal the grief.  But your note will be a balm and help in ways you may not know. There are documented health benefits to feeling cared about; a condolence note delivers comfort and often, hope, because it can be re-read in any hour of need. 
• Forget what you think you know about grief. There are many myths about grief and rather than give advice, your friend or co-worker just needs you to listen.
• It is never too late to write a condolence note. Last month, waiting for an oil change, I struck up a conversation with another customer and discovered she was related to a former employer. She informed me that one of his adult children had died the previous year. I found an address and sent him and his wife a note. There is a 'higher reason' this information reached you now. Use it!
• Anniversary notes are deeply appreciated. As I explained in my post When Little Birds Chirp, writing to the bereaved on the occasion of their loved one's birthday or death anniversary is not a painful reminder. 
• These principles apply to pet loss, too! Acknowledge the wonderful friendship but do not discuss a 'replacement pet'. 

    Thank you for caring!

The Myths About Grief and Getting Over It

Whenever I return from the library with a tote bag full of books (and a check out duration of three-weeks!) I am excited and reassured. As pockets of time open, I can disappear into a story, a topic, an introspective stroll.

On a recent trip, I hiked up the two flights of stairs to scour the 'New Non-Fiction' display. My haul included a book about the anthropology behind the paleo diet, a humorous memoir about a family's move to Vermont and, a book titled,

Moving Beyond Loss (c. 2013) by Russell Friedman and John W. James

Pulling it off the shelf, I liked the Question and Answer format of the book which is subtitled, Real Answers to Real Questions From Real People. The authors dive right into a compassionate defense of all who mourn, with the suggestion that we get a lot of confusing messages about grieving.

Joy's Warrior Dragon: Courage Befriends a Widow

"She was a brilliant green color with shining scales."

Marv and Joy Johnson

This is how Joy Johnson begins to describe a friendship that began during her late husband's hospice care.* 

The red helmeted, riding dragon first appeared during those final days when, at Marv's insistence, Joy would leave for lunch. Marv wanted quiet time, alone, in their senior village apartment but, Joy said, "I always worried that upon returning, I would open the door and find my sweet and very ill husband, dead."

 "All at once, this dragon was there beside me.** 

I knew instinctively that her name was Courage."

Angels Above Baby Gowns: Soothing A Terrible Loss

November 2017 UPDATE:  In the words of founder, Dawn, "Angels Above Baby Gowns is still going strong. We are now in over 350 hospitals and in 5 countries. We grow bigger everyday."

IT IS A BUSY THURSDAY MORNING as I pull to the curb of Dawn's home. Garbage trucks rumble nearby, and Blue, her adoring companion, eagerly waits for me to enter the yard's gate. I am here to meet the Michigan founder of

ANGELS ABOVE BABY GOWNS

"It's not about us, it's about helping families."

A gentle hug 'hello' continues the relationship we began on the phone. Face to face, the glow of peace and wholeness from Dawn Lafferty is remarkable. 

You would never guess that only a few years ago, she emerged from an abusive marriage, betrayal, fraud, and multiple fragile health concerns and yet:  she glows.

Propelled by a driving energy that belies her disabilities, Dawn proudly navigates the busy sewing quarters of her basement, plucking up and distributing supplies to volunteers.

 "I'm not lonely now...I've never felt younger!"

THE STORY BEGINS less than two months ago, when Dawn read an article about a woman who created burial gowns for babies who never left the hospital. 
Grieving parents sought a dignified farewell for their precious child, born premature. Ready-made clothing for such tiny babies is nearly impossible to find, but a trip to heaven requires more than a diaper!

The compelling need touched Dawn deeply. Not finding a Michigan organization to assist, she launched ANGELS ABOVE BABY GOWNS.

Dawn retired early, for medical reasons. Leaving a corporate career, she had more time for her love of sewing.  "I started sewing when I was 10--taught by my Mom. She made all the clothes for the seven of us."

Dawn is the volunteer Costume Organizer for the Grosse Pointe Theater;  She creates hundreds of costumes for several plays each year. This Spring, the production of Les Miserables required over 300 costumes to be designed, sewn and fitted for each actor!  And when the theater is dark, Dawn's sewing room is not: "I sew every day-- alterations for family and members of the community senior center."

When parked at a sewing machine, Dawn straight-stitches gown seams with expert swiftness, but tender care. She stands up at a serger overlocking machine to finish seam allowances:  no frayed edges for her Angels!

Volunteer, Wuneetha, mother of two and Coney Island waitress, is here because "my nephew, Matthew, was an angel baby." She describes the grief of her sister, D'aun, who puts balloons on her son's grave, each month. "A child is growing inside you; you've given your heart. Their death is devastating." 

Before beginning my assignment of packaging gowns for delivery to hospitals and hospices,
Karen Herzog arrives to donate her wedding gown.

Transforming a gown is exciting

Lace and beading are harvested

Patterns are applied and cut from the silk and satin

"Let the little children come to me"  Matthew 19:14

Exquisite details create a precious gown for baby

Varying in sizes, each is unique

What do grieving parents find helpful or hurtful?

Wendy has experienced several miscarriages and a newborn's death. A board member of Friends Supporting Parents, she shares:  

"Our hearts broke the moment hers stopped, and to this day, remain broken. People feel uncomfortable with death, and even more so with a child/infant death.

After a while, we begin to feel alone."

 She encourages grieving parents to find peer support. Wendy has been attending Friends Supporting Parents since 2010 and describes the comfort: "we are surrounded by people who know and who care because they've been there too. We continue to come because we can be authentic about our grief. And, everyone gets it."

The Condolence Coach says:

• Let's understand that a miscarriage IS a baby lost. Your note to the parents can acknowledge that. This is the time to step up with assistance because a physical trauma to the mother, has also occurred: 
• I can see [or hear] how devastated you are; take good care of yourself.
• How can I help you at this time? Would you like me to____?  It is best to go ahead and make practical offers such as helping with other children, grocery shopping, meal preparation, even cleaning or gardening.
• Don't pry, but be a good listener: This is so sad. Would you like to tell me about the baby [or name]?
• Do not interject assumptions or advice other than: 
•  I know how excited you were to bring the baby [or name] home. 
• This is hard for your whole family.
• You've been through so much. Take care of yourself.
• Maybe the hospital gave you a referral, but I've read about a local support group; would you like their information?

This link provides more resources for parents grieving the death of a baby.

Contact or Follow Angels Above Baby Gowns on Facebook

More Resources from The Condolence Coach:
I was inspired to write about Angels Above Baby Gowns by a woman who lost two grandchildren by miscarriage. Now, I know more about her loss: When Grandparents Grieve

Read more heartwarming and heartwrenching stories of Angels Above Baby Gowns:
 Someday I'll Meet My Brothers,  Delivery At a Birthing Center,   A Time to Tear and A Time to Mend,  and Heartbeats and Lightening Bolts

Readers may also wish to visit this post about baby and children's death:  Two Too Many: Gone But Never Forgotten
When siblings experience the death of a baby brother or sister, these posts may provide good condolence guidance:  Grieving Children, Part 1,  and  Grieving Children, Part 2.
This post is a good review of responding to any child's death: 5 Things to Say When Death Strikes the Young

Grieving parents may find comfort in this peer blog:  Wanted Chosen Planned 

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Doctors & Medical Practitioners: Charting Final Thoughts With Condolence

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At the funeral home, it is common to receive floral arrangements from businesses. Occasionally, flowers arrive from doctors and medical practices. 

While flowers are thoughtful and appreciated courtesies, can more be expressed to the family of your deceased patients?

Yes, condolences take time--a commodity usually in short supply for medical professionals. But let us assume that you do not regard your patients as "cases." If you have shepherded someone to the passageway called 'death'...

 your charting is incomplete without sympathy.

I asked Michigan internist, Eric J. Lerman, about his practice of condolence to the family of a patient who has died:  

"Sometimes I call, sometimes I write. The content varies depending on the circumstances."

The Condolence Coach frequently mentions being SENSITIVE to survivors. When family members companion a loved one during his or her final weeks, days, and hours, the experience is draining; self-doubt is common.  Dr. Lerman suggests that sensitivity is diagnostic. He applies the Key Comfort "balm" of recognizing and affirming the family:

"Often, I acknowledge the heroic efforts of caregivers and the deceased, in the end of life process/struggles."   

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Grief may be like walking in unfamiliar woods. Without a horizon or direct sky view, discerning direction is hard. The traveler longs for guidance.

"When speaking or writing to surviving spouses, I try to prepare them for the grieving process, letting them know that it will not be easy but that it will get better." 

Dr. Lerman prescribes that they "reach out to friends and family for support during the grieving process. I  suggest that their loved one would want them to try to carry on with life."
He may include gentle encouragement: "to try to shift gears from care taking for someone else to trying to take care of themselves."

At the funeral home, I often witness the dazed expression of former caregivers. 

Death has 'stomped on the brake pedal' and they feel a huge void. 

The mission of AfterGiving.com addresses that void, and provides a forum for conversation and support. In one interactive tool called Six Word Stories, the topic of starting over is described:

"You’re beginning again, too, in your life, after caregiving ends. These kind of starts can feel so awful because you feel like you yourself must start over. You must find a new way to fill your day, a new way to relate to others, a new way to spend your time."

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Caring, encouragement and sometimes, gentle guidance, are deeply meaningful elements of condolence notes. Taking the time to express them, matters.

To read other posts discussing leadership, professionals and condolence, please see these posts:
Sending Condolence to Clients and Customers
Ithaca College President Reaches Out With Condolence
POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

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