Cricket After Cricket: Life Goes On

Author image

The Growing Through Grief series

With remarkable frequency, I find crickets in my house. Rather than a cause for alarm that my door seals are leaking (they're not,) I see these visitors as messengers of life, and then carefully escort them outside. Life goes on. 

For anyone who has mourned the death of a loved one or experienced a painful life change, there is a dominant question: will life go on? And if I accept that as fact--even while clueless--the next question is: what will a new life look like? For most, the acute state of emptiness and even purposelessness will change to a gentle forbearance after two or three months. Then, as new patterns develop:  brewing a smaller pot of coffee, rising earlier to walk the dog, halving recipes or opting for convenience food and paper plates, what a new life looks like begins to emerge. As the visiting crickets suggest, life goes on.

"Cricket symbolism is a sign of exceptional luck. Furthermore, this spirit animal says that the things that you have been working toward and dreaming about are now possible." Source

Author image

Moving beyond forbearance, however, is an important indicator of adjustment. When I found myself beginning to define my future with wants, hopes, and dreams, I stopped asking others "where do I belong?" and began asking myself what do I need? I asked, what do I like to do? and then rephrased it as: what do I really, really want to do? I realized I was tying my shoelaces with a new intention:  being and becoming who I truly wanted to be.

There is a wonderful poem which supported me line by line, as I moved through grief, day by day. It reminded me that yes--life goes on, and unimaginably good things can unfold if I am open to them!

Thou hast made me endless

 (from Gitanjali by Rabindranath Tagore)

Thou hast made me endless, such is thy pleasure.

This frail vessel thou emptiest again and again,

 and fillest it ever with fresh life.

This little flute of a reed thou hast carried over hills and dales,

 and hast breathed through it melodies eternally new.

At the immortal touch of thy hands

 my little heart loses its limits in joy

 and gives birth to utterance ineffable.

Thy infinite gifts come to me

 only on these very small hands of mine. 

Ages pass, and still thou pourest, 

and still there is room to fill.

Author image

This post is lovingly dedicated to RRR

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Read more about grief adjustment, and supporting someone adjusting after a loss:

Be Brave With Your Life

Grief Recovery: Grinding Up the Old Road, Paving the New

Gifts for Someone Grieving: Priceless Privacy and Peace

Climbing Out of Deep Space: through and beyond grief

The Kindness Movement is Paving Life's Rocky Trail

Naming the neighborly

Today, hectic commutes, air conditioned and triple pane windowed homes and a text-instead-of-knocking style often seal us off from neighborly cup-of-coffee-cup-of-sugar kindness. Filling this void are social movements for kindness, branded under local badges like Ben's Bells and the wide-armed embrace of The World Kindness Movement.

[Ben's Bells.org]

Ben's Bells explains the importance of kindness:

"Recent research demonstrates that kindness benefits our physical and mental health, and that recognizing kindness in others increases a person's happiness and satisfaction. But just as solving a calculus problem requires advanced math skills, the challenges of daily life require advanced kindness skills. By focusing on kindness and being intentional in our personal interactions, we can improve our ability to connect."

Be an island of kindness

Pulling up to the red light recently, I glanced across the three lanes to my left, where I knew he sat. A flash of recognition between us felt like God's eye. He raised his hand in a wave: a still palm, and I powered down my window to do the same. He left his low beach chair which daily rode the median island, and walked the two car lengths to stand and call to me: "Have you had a good day?" 

Still universal: the peace sign

Yes, it was God's voice, and my thoughts of reaching for my wallet, vanished. He was not a panhandler; in fact, the only sign I had ever seen said he was a 'hard working Vietnam veteran.'  "Have you had a good day?" was the kind of question I needed to answer  because yes-- I'd had a really good day:  the kind with divine fingerprints all over it in the form of solid intuitive prompts, solid handshakes, and that solid sensation of belonging where I stood.

"Yes! A blessed day!" I called across three car hoods, "and God bless you, too!" The light turned green, and I accelerated under its glow.

At first, I thought it was silly to make a social movement of a behavior that was part of my formation:  "Be kind to your sister (or brother)" mom or dad said. But I've come to see the value of those Be Kind decals; in a world where we need Laughter Yoga to induce a healthy howl, every reminder helps.

This post is one of those reminders, and comes with a bonus geology lesson!

Nice isn't necessarily easy

Gneiss boulders, author photo

Gneiss forming a tinaja, author photo

The striking rock pictured here is called gneiss (pronounced 'nice'.) I learned from prolific geology writer, John V. Bezy that, up to 35 million years ago, intense heat and pressure liquefied the minerals (feldspar, quartz and mica) of southern Arizona's Oracle and Wilderness granites. The material, "like hot, soft plastic [was] smeared in long ribbons parallel to the direction of the crustal stretching."
(Source: Bezy, John V., A Guide to the Geology of Sabino Canyon and the Catalina Highway)

Sometimes, I call my time outdoors, 'looking for gneiss,' knowing it is a dual opportunity to discover and participate in the homophones gneiss and nice. Creating nice (kindness) is far less intense than metamorphic gneiss, but I believe you will find it to be transforming. And it can become easy with practice. In my post about forming the habit of condolence writing, I reveal that practicing by doing becomes a feel-good experience you will return to again and again. Kindness (being nice) can take many, many forms; start with a smile, a small courtesy such as letting that merging car into your lane.

Condolence note writers begin with small kindnesses

Stepping up as a messenger of support helps a grieving person merge back into the flow of living. During this time of intense activity and feelings (a time line that is unique to each grieving person,) your kind words, in written form, are a touchstone of recognition and roadmap to resolution. Begin by spending a few moments reflecting...who you knew and know, what you shared and share, how you felt then and now. 

A note composed of simple observations and sincere expressions is a gift. 

• Use names
• Express appreciation for the deceased, and for the survivor
• Describe a quality that you respect or admire
• Share a memory
• Make an observation about a special moment or helpful influence
• Perhaps, offer some practical assistance such as transportation, child care, household help 

This blog covers many areas of loss, and more sensitive ways to support them. Come back often to polish your understanding and skills.
Thank you for caring!

The 5-Step Good Life: Make Condolence Notes a Habit

American psychologist, Martin Seligman, coached that there are 5 components of a "good life." 

Using the acronym, PERMA    [Source]  he theorized that we can  control our sense of well being with the following habits:

Positive emotion — every night before sleep, write down 3 things that went well, and why

Engagement — rather than taking shortcuts, apply your best skills, ("highest strengths") to any task

Relationships — connect with people--the levels of intimacy will vary, but avoid isolation

Meaning — find where you belong, to serve something bigger than your own agenda

Achievement — determination is the key to any endeavor

author image

The best part of this theory is the discovery about habits. Seligman laughingly gives the example of the pleasure in eating ice cream-- before you know it, it's gone, and another carton soon winds up in your freezer!

Because positive emotions feel so good, their origins can easily become habits. 

The general idea of "habit" can be daunting or delightful.

Your morning coffee enticed you out of a warm bed, but knowing you must "put in your time" on the treadmill elicits a groan.Writing condolence notes will always take some time. They require an investment of heartfelt focus.

These are the sources of positive emotions by regularly writing notes:

• Perhaps you had a conversation with the bereaved during the illness that resulted in death, or at the funeral service. Listening is an act of kindness, a comforting acknowledgement of your friend and their concerns. This connection adds value to the note you will write.
• Your note is like a gift that arrives unexpectedly in the mail. Its recipient can sit down for a few minutes to read, and feel bathed in a aura of caring. 
• More times than I can count, I am eventually told how much my note was appreciated. People use expressions like, "I'll keep it forever," "I've read it so many times," "I showed it to my mother." 

THE COACH DISCUSSES THIS THEME IN THESE POSTS:

Why Is Sympathy Sweet?

Ithaca College President Reaches Out

You Can't Erase Death's Shadow, Sorrow

Why I Write Condolence Notes

Share these thoughts with a friend, and thanks for caring!