Doctors & Medical Practitioners: Charting Final Thoughts With Condolence

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At the funeral home, it is common to receive floral arrangements from businesses. Occasionally, flowers arrive from doctors and medical practices. 

While flowers are thoughtful and appreciated courtesies, can more be expressed to the family of your deceased patients?

Yes, condolences take time--a commodity usually in short supply for medical professionals. But let us assume that you do not regard your patients as "cases." If you have shepherded someone to the passageway called 'death'...

 your charting is incomplete without sympathy.

I asked Michigan internist, Eric J. Lerman, about his practice of condolence to the family of a patient who has died:  

"Sometimes I call, sometimes I write. The content varies depending on the circumstances."

The Condolence Coach frequently mentions being SENSITIVE to survivors. When family members companion a loved one during his or her final weeks, days, and hours, the experience is draining; self-doubt is common.  Dr. Lerman suggests that sensitivity is diagnostic. He applies the Key Comfort "balm" of recognizing and affirming the family:

"Often, I acknowledge the heroic efforts of caregivers and the deceased, in the end of life process/struggles."   

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Grief may be like walking in unfamiliar woods. Without a horizon or direct sky view, discerning direction is hard. The traveler longs for guidance.

"When speaking or writing to surviving spouses, I try to prepare them for the grieving process, letting them know that it will not be easy but that it will get better." 

Dr. Lerman prescribes that they "reach out to friends and family for support during the grieving process. I  suggest that their loved one would want them to try to carry on with life."
He may include gentle encouragement: "to try to shift gears from care taking for someone else to trying to take care of themselves."

At the funeral home, I often witness the dazed expression of former caregivers. 

Death has 'stomped on the brake pedal' and they feel a huge void. 

The mission of AfterGiving.com addresses that void, and provides a forum for conversation and support. In one interactive tool called Six Word Stories, the topic of starting over is described:

"You’re beginning again, too, in your life, after caregiving ends. These kind of starts can feel so awful because you feel like you yourself must start over. You must find a new way to fill your day, a new way to relate to others, a new way to spend your time."

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Caring, encouragement and sometimes, gentle guidance, are deeply meaningful elements of condolence notes. Taking the time to express them, matters.

To read other posts discussing leadership, professionals and condolence, please see these posts:
Sending Condolence to Clients and Customers
Ithaca College President Reaches Out With Condolence
POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

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Sending Condolence to Clients, Customers, Colleagues

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At the funeral home, it is common to receive floral arrangements from businesses. Occasionally, flowers arrive from doctors and medical practices.

While flowers are thoughtful and appreciated courtesies, can more be expressed to the family of your deceased clients and customers?

Business professionals may wonder...

• He was a great customer but I didn't know much about him.
• We used her catering service frequently, but I don't have his family's address.
• I do her bookkeeping and tax preparation, but I wouldn't want to breach confidentiality.
• We met networking; as a realtor, I'd love to have the listing if his wife wants to sell.
• It was hard to watch him decline, so I'll just leave them in peace.

The Condolence Coach posed these concerns to Dan West, President and CEO of the Livonia Chamber of Commerce. Although Dan is a champion for business, he links their success to active relationships with the community, its schools and the families of all concerned. 

He has attended many services, and observes, "Funerals are a deeply emotional and personal matter for the people involved, and that must be respected."  

While Dan values networking, he advises that condolence notes reflect "a personal relationship you have to the [deceased] person."  You should "sign cards and notes with your name, not that of the company."
He continues, "When writing such a note, keep the message simple and concise. No lecturing, no sermons, just a quick expression of condolences and let the person know you are thinking about them."

The Condolence Coach suggests that you mention a quality of the deceased which you appreciated or admired... 

cheerful  prompt  organized  team spirit  creative  skilled  funny  patient  optimistic  friendly  good memory  kind  hard worker  disciplined caring generous  dependable

Dan is firmly against using a death as a prospecting opportunity:  "It's tacky." 

The Condolence Coach urges you avoid the stance of 'leaving the grieving in peace.'  It is rarely the best choice. If you can draw upon a personal connection, do so. It matters.

To read other posts discussing leaders, authorities, professions and condolence, please see these posts:
Doctors & Medical Practitioners: Charting Final Thoughts with Condolence
Ithaca College President Reaches Out With Condolence
POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

Share this story, and thank you for caring!

FAQs

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TALKING ABOUT DEATH can be difficult, awkward, even frightening. In western culture, we are so used to avoiding specifics and applying euphemisms that the mystique surrounding our shared conclusion (death!) continues.

During workshops, classes, and presentations, I always leave time for questions...

Q. I just found out that a former co-worker's dad died last year. Is it too late to send a note?
A. It is never too late to send a note. Never. The death remains a fact in your co-worker's life and, in a year's time, the stream of sympathies has likely dried up. Your note will be a gift.

Q. Won't my note stir up more pain?
A. Your note will arrive where the recipient is in their bereavement. We do not "make" someone feel one way or another, but a sensitive condolence note can be very comforting. In my book, I describe the Keys To Comfort-- tools for non-judgemental expression. All losses are not the same.

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Q. I sent flowers to the funeral home, with a message for the card; isn't that enough?
A. Is it? A flower card is the size of a business card, and frequently computer generated. Perhaps you have a memory of the deceased that could be shared in a handwritten note.

Thanks for caring! I welcome questions from my blog readers.