When You Cannot Vigil the Dying: Be There

The scouring of humanity

This is a post about what to do when you cannot be with a dying loved one. As I write this, the Covid-19 pandemic began scouring humanity in early 2020, overcoming nearly 2 million people, worldwide by year’s end. In most settings, infection control measures have barred visitors from patient bedsides, even those dying. 

The empty chair beside the bed

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This is a post about what to do when you cannot be with a dying loved one. It applies to the myriad circumstances that might prevent you from keeping vigil, holding a hand, stroking a forehead, whispering words of love and gratitude close to their ear. The circumstances that keep you from the bedside are many, and may have nothing to do with the pandemic. I learned this in 2019, when my mother chose the peace of her distant home for her final months with cancer. My parents wanted privacy instead of a family event and, though eventually I was called to come help with care, for weeks before, I entered the room secretly.

This is a post about what to do when you think you cannot be with a dying loved one. This is the story of how I found the way to ‘jump over the wall’ and be right there with my mother. I soothed her, whispered encouragement, and experienced a deep communion. This technique is available to everyone.

Spirit to spirit

Have you heard the expression ‘we are spirits in human form’ ? Some refer to our spirit as ‘mind.’ This is not religious dogma, it is truth. You need only read or listen to a few accounts of near death experiences to awaken to this truth. (In addition to the books by Raymond Moody, a reliable source is IANDS, the International Association for Near Death Studies, Inc.)  What you do with this awareness beyond the purpose of this essay, is your choice. But, if you are faced with the inability to be with a dying loved one, here is what you can do.

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Each of our spirits (or minds) exist in a field of energy without boundaries of time, location, language or physical dimension. Knowing and accepting this is indescribeably wonderful! It means you can ‘jump over the wall’ and connect with someone through techniques that allow you unfettered access to the ‘field.’ These techniques include meditation, contemplation, and prayer. 

To visit my mother, I used a Metta meditation described in my essay on impermanence and change. I also recommend the meditations of integrative medicine and energy work practitioner Dr. Ann Marie Chiasson. In her book, Energy Healing: The Essentials of Self-Care, Dr. Chiasson explains the Metta Meditation, which Buddhist practice calls a loving-kindness meditation. Traditionally, there are four stanzas but for your spirit visit, I suggest repeating these three stanzas, four times. 

To begin, sit comfortably; while taking a few full, slow breaths, fill your mind with the image and true, joyful essence of your loved one. ‘Hold their hand’ and truly believe in this communion of spirits. Begin to softly speak these stanzas to them, savoring each expression with your heart and spirit; when you can, close your eyes:

Repeat each stanza four times

May I be at peace.

May my heart remain open.

May I awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May I be healed.

May I be a source of healing for all beings.

May you be at peace.

May your heart remain open.

May you awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May you be healed.

May you be a source of healing for all beings.

May we be at peace.

May our hearts remain open.

May we awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May we be healed.

May we be a source of healing for all beings.

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When finished, remain in this peaceful place with your eyes closed. Note how you feel. It is suggested that you do this loving-kindness meditation, daily. You will quickly feel that you are having a daily visit with your loved one.

Further insight into our connection as spirits can be found in an excerpt from this remarkably comforting poem by Henry Scott Holland. My mother requested that it be used on her memorial folder and each time I read it, I know the truth, that she is only in ‘the next room.’

Death Is Nothing At All

All is well,

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Whatever we were to each other, we still are.

Please, call me by my old familiar name.

Speak of me in the same easy way you always did.

Laugh, as we always laughed,

At the little jokes we shared together.

Think of me and smile.

Let my name be the household name it always was,

Spoken without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was…

All is well.

-Henry Scott Holland

May all who are in this circumstance know that you are not alone. I wish you peace and the comfort of a spirit to spirit visit. Namaste.

Please share this with someone you know who is anticipating a loved one’s death.

Thank you for caring.

How to be a Friend during Terminal Illness

Do you know someone with a terminal illness?

I do; a few people, in fact. That reality can quickly change a relationship. The instinct to reach out socially is weighed with these questions:

• What should I say?
• What if they're resting?
• And really: What should I say?

So, before you read too far along in this post, please take a brief detour to one of my most widely read posts: 

Ask the Coach: What to Write to a Friend with Terminal Illness

Alive in a New Way

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The most important themes of this post are to overcome your fears and recognize that, until someone dies, they are alive. It's not useful to wonder 'how long they have left to live', so focus on now, today.
Validate their reality by encouraging your friend or loved one to 'tell it like it is'. They are on a radical journey, travelling to that mysterious portal called 'death.'  Start with...

• How are you today?
• How does that compare to yesterday?

As you adapt to the setting and the energy level of the person(s) you are visiting, you may wish to know more about this traveler before you...

• Can you share one surprising thing about your journey with this illness?
• Where does your mind go when you want a favorite memory?
• Is there anything you wish you could do, right now, that I might be able to help accomplish? This could be anything from a Bucket List item, to reaching a book on a high shelf or picking up an everything-on-it bagel at the deli. You might find yourselves having fun with this!

Recognizing Courage

Often, it takes courage to live. Always, it takes courage to die. Kay, a woman with the neurodegenerative disease, ALS, inspires so many people with her courage.

ALS or INSPIRATION: What Makes Kay's Star Shine?  In person and in her blog, Kay continually advocated for awareness, truth, and love. Call it the divine trilogy-- it is the perfect formula for Knowing.

Don't leave your visit without recognizing the courage of the traveler! This is an unparalleled moment to learn a truth, so ask...

• Where does your courage come from?

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Hold all the responses in your heart. Later, visit this conversation in your thoughts, and smile with gratitude.

THE COACH SAYS: For additional suggestions on visiting and supporting the dying, read  Final Conversations: Helping the dying transition from this world
Thinking of a special gift? Read about comfort objects, here!

Thank you for caring!

Arriving Where We Started: Advice from T.S. Eliot

"We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time."

~ T.S. Eliot

Four Quartets, "Little Gidding" (V)

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Have you reached the place of knowing? You may arrive there many times. What 'aha' has touched you recently? After moving across the country, I spent months in a state of inner wrangling. Like a cowgirl, I was rounding up the wayward cows and calves from the wide plains of self-definition. Finally, I arrived, all of me accounted for, and deeply understood 'I have arrived, I am home.' 

Eliot's verse also reminds me that, although our journey of self, and our journeys in relationship with others-- become dog-eared, rubbed thin, and greyed with age...they are still dear, if not a tad weary. Oh how we quest! Oh how we explore! 

Our frailties brought on by illness and mortality reset our awareness. Suddenly alert--like turning your car onto the home stretch, we look into the faces of loved ones and arrive at absolute knowing. You "arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time":  the essential love, the essence of love...and raw, breathtaking gratitude.

This absolute knowing can also mute all that is unessential during the hours of dying. Surely this is occurring in the higher consciousness--the soul of the one severing the silver thread. It may be a similarly graced occasion for persons at the bedside. If the opportunity arises, let the unessential be muted! 

At the end of life, we arrive where we started! 

What does this T.S. Eliot verse bring to your heart?

Thank you for caring!

Clutter Makes a Mess of Grief: How to Help!

Few people will admit that their possessions have crossed the line from "a little messy" to big problem. From time to time, we may all experience the problem--often in small doses:

• The tee shirt drawer doesn't quite close.
• The coat closet has no room for a visitor's jacket.
• It takes significant excavation to unearth the potato peeler from a tangle of kitchen tools.
• The garage workbench has lost its usefulness, covered with parts, packaging, and paraphernalia.

Fixing Small-Dose Clutter

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A small-dose clutter problem can be resolved in fifteen to thirty minutes, restoring functionality to a space. Common sense consigns the torn and broken to trash; goods that have fallen out of favor become a bag welcomed by a charity store. Some of us logon to craigslist or ebay and turn stuff into cash; freecycle facilitates a feel-good way to connect with someone in your community who can use what you no longer need (craigslist also has a "free stuff" category, and my household has enjoyed many grateful handshakes.)

Heavy Environments

Over the years, I've been in many homes bearing a lifetime's accumulated property. These environments bear a weight that exceeds the measurable:  

• A burden of confusion.
• An expense of duplication.
• The distress of indecision.
• The demand of nostalgia.

I have known people who's estate planning included diligently purging excess "to make it easier for my executors." And I have known folks who become infirm, look around their rooms packed with possessions and say, "the kids will sort it out." 

What is it like to die in a messy room?

No one comes back to complain, but Megory Anderson, founder of the Sacred Dying Foundation, encourages "establishing a sacred presence." She and her team offer many excellent resources for lay and professional use. In her free booklet of vigiling tips, De-clutter the bedside area is number 1! If you believe that death is not a medical event but a spiritual one, the simple practices that invoke honor, respect and sacredness are rich in love but trimmed of turmoil. During active dying, remove from the bed's radius those piles of medical and hygiene supplies, displaced household goods, and even beloved room decor that distracts and act like guy-wires holding tightly to the person who must detach and leave.

When grieving is literally 'a mess'

The time and process of sorting through the belongings of a loved one can be comforting and surprising. "I didn't know she still had that", "She really liked purses!" "Those cases of cereal in the basement are all expired." "Look what he stashed in the crawlspace." Understandably, we will all leave some degree of stuff to be dispersed or disposed of. The window of time to empty a room or residence can depend on a number of things:  policies of a skilled care facility, avoiding the cost of another month's rent, and whether a home will be sold or remain in the family. If your acquaintance with a survivor is familiar, consider offering assistance to sort, pack, and disperse property. 

Sympathetic support: a condolence 'gift'

It is imperative that your assistance be grounded in trust, and a plan of action that is acceptable to all legally responsible survivors. Marie Kondo, a Japanese organizing consultant and author of The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, and Spark Joy has some interesting tactics for decluttering that can certainly be applied to an entire home clean out.

1. Tackle categories, not rooms (focus reduces the burden)
2. Respect your belongings (take care of what you keep)
3. Nostalgia is a trap (time spent in reverie and sentimentality blur good judgment)
4. Dedicate efforts to the life of the decedent (express this out loud)
5. What you keep you must truly love ("like" or "useful" don't make the cut for a legacy item. See my post on Keepsakes)

Whether your assistance is presented first, in your condolence note or, in a later companionable visit, your offer qualifies as a remarkable condolence gift.

Thank you for caring!

Veterans at the End of Life: An Essential Salute

Veterans Day: "Some gave all, all gave some."

Source

In the United States, Veterans Day is a federal holiday, observed annually on November 11th. Not to be confused with Memorial Day (remembrance of fallen soldiers,) this is an occasion to recognize the service of men and women who have served in the armed forces. Their service was in a wide variety of capacities, in locations near and far. Some soldiers never used a weapon after basic training, and some rarely put theirs down.

War has shaken the world and mankind, innumerable times, so it is no surprise that Veterans Day coincides with other nations' Armistice Day and Remembrance Day, as well as being the anniversary of the end of World War I. And I use the word SHAKEN, deliberately.

I will never forget my vigiling experiences at the deathbeds of some veterans, who shake in their final hours. Agitation is a common occurrence in the labor of dying; Barbara Karnes, RN notes that "restlessness can be from a lack of oxygen but more than likely it is fear."  Support is frequently dispensed with medication, comfort care and calming words. But when a dying veteran experiences agitation, we can and should offer specialized support.

Scott Field, IL circa.1942. Library of Congress

Discharged from duty

 This summer, along with other hospice volunteers, I attended the Hospice Foundation of America video program, "Improving Care for Veterans Facing Illness and Death." It is important to recognize that not all veterans carry "emotional baggage" or bear a stoic, "battle ready" sensibility. Your patient or loved one's branch of service, rank, and job(s) may or may not impact their unconscious mind. One of the program panelists, Deborah Grassman, ARNP, shared great insights from her career as a hospice nurse at the Department of Veterans Affairs. I encourage readers to follow this link to Grassman's excellent essay, Wounded Warriors: Their Last Battle. She includes a long list of questions suited to end of life counseling when it seems necessary to discharge the veteran from the troubling demons of unfinished duty or guilt. But Grassman cautions professionals and companions:

"don't keep pushing; plant a seed."

"Golden Wings" by Suzy St. John

 Bedside basics

Some of the best bedside skills during an end of life vigil revolve around silence--though soothing or "favorite" music is appropriate at times; calmness in the room and gentle touch also promote a peaceful death. But when the person you are companioning is struggling with agitation (symptoms may include shaking, thrashing, groans or other distressed vocalizations,) beneficial intervention can go beyond medical options.

• If your loved one is conscious, gently ask him or her to share a thought or feeling. 
• Showing one or two service-era photos can prompt expression.
• Symbols touch and access our deepest selves; this is true even when dementia is present. Expressing gratitude and recognition of service through the use of ceremony and symbol is significant. 
• A hospice or veterans organization may be able to conduct a brief Honors presentation "on behalf of a grateful nation." But don't hesitate to step up with your own veteran tribute:  say a few words, play a patriotic or branch-of-service song, and attach a flag pin to their shirt. 
• Often, as death nears (this could be days, hours or minutes) the person is unconscious or 'nonresponsive' (despite movement or talking) and yet, these bedside basics can have a profound impact. I would encourage the Honors tribute even at this stage because the sense of hearing is still active.
• One of the most powerful interventions for agitation, advocated by Deborah Grassman, is the Hand-Heart-Connection: 
• Put your hand on the person's chest,
• take their hand and hold it on your chest, 
• breathe calmly and deeply.

"We are called to be strong companions and clear mirrors to one another, to seek those who reflect with compassion and a keen eye how we are doing, whether we seem centered or off course ... we need the nourishing company of others to create the circle needed for growth, freedom and healing."

- Wayne Muller

Thank you for caring!
Read more about my vigiling experience in Silent Night Holy Night: Sacred Dying is another reason to write condolence

The 4 Immeasurables for condolence to a Buddhist friend

Maybe it is my exploration of the Tao (life's way). Maybe it is me getting older and, in combination, I am exposing myself to many more points of view...and the people holding them. 

So, when a Buddhist friend experiences a death in her/his family, what should I write?

The Buddhist view of death

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Venerable Thich Nguyen Tang explains in
 UrbanDharma.org 

"In the teaching of the Buddha, all of us will pass away eventually as a part in the natural process of birth, old-age and death and that we should always keep in mind the impermanence of life. The life that we all cherish and wish to hold on. To Buddhism, however, death is not the end of life, it is merely the end of the body we inhabit in this life, but our spirit will still remain and seek out through the need of attachment, attachment to a new body and new life."

The Buddhist view of grief

This does not suggest that a Buddhist feels no pain at the loss of someone dear. The natural responses to death are fully human, heartfelt, rich in memories, and a sadness that time shared in this life's journey cannot occur again. Grief reminds each of us that everything is impermanent. The thought of losing life's vigor and identity is perplexing and disturbing. What comes next?

Confronted by grief

Joan Halifax, Head Teacher at Upaya Zen Center, characterizes grief as "the heavy stones that will eventually be the ballast for the two great accumulations of wisdom and compassion."  Halifax shared the paradox she confronted when her mother was dying: 

• be a "good Buddhist" and follow the teachings of letting go or, 
• feel every ounce of the sorrow. 

In an action she calls 'scouring', Halifax ritualized her loss by visiting a rocky desert with photos and letters, and scoured her sorrow with hot tears on cold hard rock. The acts of feeling help us to transform a universal experience into new understanding and then, we can peacefully let go.

Halifax quotes the Zen nun, Rengetsu:

“The impermanence of this floating world

I feel over and over

It is hardest to be the one left behind.”

Being 'left behind' is at the core of grief. A severed connection is a wound. One of the best ways that wound will heal is to discover that threads remain:  our memories.

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The 4 Immeasurables

There are 'four immeasurables' in Buddhist practice:

1. immeasurable equanimity
2. immeasurable love
3. immeasurable compassion, and
4. immeasurable joy

To awaken the natural and boundless capacity of one's heart, a Buddhist seeks to embrace all living beings--whose number is immeasurable. The practice is like a wheel:  meditating on the four immeasurables increases the capacity to act with love and compassion. Those actions deepen the tranquility achieved in meditation. 

Consider including these elements in a note to your Buddhist friend:

1. Equanimity (calmness in a difficult situation) "How can I help you at this difficult time?" or a specific offer/action such as "Why don't I drive your children to school this week?"
2. .Love (affection and respect) "Observing your gentle care of your father was so inspiring."
3. Compassion (to accompany with concern) "It must be so hard to say goodbye to your wife, [name]. You are in my thoughts and I hope we can share a cup of tea, soon."
4. Joy (great happiness)  "I will cherish my memory of _____ ."

I want to refer readers to additional insights from my post on writing condolence to clergy. Rev. Dr. Steven Schafer reminded us that we do not have to share the belief system of a grieving person in order to comfort them.

Read more about impermanence (Annica) and meditation:
Impermanence (Anicca): Changing how you cope with change 

Read more about mindfulness:
Coping with Covid-19 Stress: Finding Pleasure and Peace in Slow

Journey of the Mind: Meditation with the Dying

Thank you for caring!

Silent Night, Holy Night: Sacred Dying is another reason to write condolence

My end-of-life work has expanded this year to vigiling at deathbeds.

As a volunteer with a local hospital's No One Dies Alone (NODA) program, I am asked to sit with a dying patient for a few hours. When a family accepts the offer of NODA services, round-the-clock (or specific windows of respite) coverage are scheduled.

Silent Night, Holy Night

During my orientation with Chaplain Diane, I was asked to indicate which 4-hour shifts (in a 24/7 grid) I could serve as a 'compassionate companion.' At first glance, the choices were baffling; my mind quickly shuttled through my commitments and habits and I found myself putting check marks on 4 a.m. to 8 a.m., two days per week. That impulse has been wonderfully rewarding. It is nighttime when most families take a break, go home to rest, give pets attention, and squeeze in other life responsibilities.

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I am called out weekly into what is always a Silent Night, a Holy Night. There are very few vehicles on the roads and it is pure pleasure to descend the ramp to the rebuilt freeway and take my pick of 5 lanes' white concrete streaking by. I say a prayer that my presence be helpful.

It's almost 4 a.m. when I log in at the nurses station. The 4th floor is bright but hushed and I enter the patient room, knowing only his or her name, age, and status for 'universal precautions' (i.e. if communicable infection.) "Hello, Stanley," I say as I approach the bed, "my name is Deborah. I'm going to spend some time with you tonight."

"Doesn't Deborah think about anything else besides death?" Sure, I do. But like anyone else with a passion, responding to a 'calling' delivers unparalleled satisfaction. 

Are you familiar with the dynamic of synchronicity? 

Carl Jung, a 20th century pioneering psychoanalyst, believed in significant connections between thought and occurrence. What we focus on may manifest itself in coincidences that may provide insight, aid and opportunity. I have often expressed that just as we consider birth a momentous occasion, death [and dying] should be honored for its mystery and significance.

Thus I synchronistically found myself in the Dewey Decimal stacks of 291.38. 

Allow me to detour for a moment and explain that the Call Number 291 is Comparative Religions. I do not believe books on dying should be bogged down by religious proscription, shelved A to Z between Atheism and Zoroastrianism. I certainly wouldn't want to find books on dying in Call Number 616, Diseases. May I respectfully suggest a reclassification to 269, Spiritual Renewal or the crux Call Number 218, Humankind. Can I get a Comment from a librarian, please?

I felt at home when my eyes laid on the spine of 291.38A Sacred Dying, Creating rituals for embracing the end of life. This is Megory Anderson's attempt to provide both "testimonial and handbook" on how to "reclaim death and dying for the person going through it." She acknowledges that the hospice movement has returned the family to the farewell, but cautions that solicitous concerns about grieving divert loving attention away from the person actively dying.

A theologian, author, educator and liturgist, Dr. Megory Anderson is the founder and executive director of the Sacred Dying Foundation in San Francisco.


Readers will be inspired by Dr. Anderson's skill and experience in creating meaningful rituals. With her insights and passion for "honoring the final hours of a person's life," she has created a set of tools which family members and caregivers can employ, mindfully, to enhance the transition from physical life. The Sacred Dying Foundation also offers Vigil Training for individuals and institutions.

Sitting Vigil

Sitting vigil is the term for companioning a dying person. It may be a time with or without an exchange of words. In many cases, my patients are in advanced stages of dying, unconscious, in a pain-managed dream state, generally unresponsive. Rhonda Macchello, MD, adjunct faculty medical advisor to the Sacred Dying Foundation notes:

 "Fundamentally, dying is a spiritual process and not a biological one."

That tips over a lot of our assumptions. Whether a dying person is conscious or comatose, comfort measures for the body are secondary. However, it is crucial to create a structured focus on the person dying, and it is imperative to assume full  function of hearing:  auditory input--whether discordant or soothing, has an impact. When caregivers, family and friends surround the deathbed with their veil of sorrow, a good transition is impeded.

Take it outside

It's true:  with few exceptions, the sense of hearing remains to the end of life. Conversation and squabbles among bystanders about medical care and decisions, expenses, funeral, wills, property, estates, fears, resentments, tiredness, inconvenience--and even sorrowful crying--are burdens to the spirit of the dying person. Step out of the room and out of 'earshot'.

Gifts for the dying

Death is sacred because of its mysteries and profound emotion. Stay focused on that. Enhance the reverence with soothing touch, peaceful music, pleasing scents, soft glowing light...
Forgiveness, gratitude, love...

"Rituals transform one state of being into another."

 Dr. Anderson uses the examples of blowing out candles on a birthday cake and rites of passage such as a first driver's license to describe the ritual triggers for thought, insight, and transformation. She acknowledges that religious rituals and symbols can be a part of vigiling if they are meaningful to the dying person, but suggests that personalized rituals will often address deeper issues. A special memento, a favorite toy, a religious article or often, the creative repurposing of an everyday item can be used to exercise the psyche in resolving concerns. The desired outcome is always a readiness to let go of the body, to 'leave'.

I loved her story of taking a sheet from a hospital's linens shelf, and tying knots to represent the concerns of a dying person. As each topic is discussed and 'let go', a knot is untied. Finally, the sheet is liberated to become a huge sail, its four corners held by family members who joyfully loft it overhead. And though this ritual is for the dying, the symbolism of freeing their loved one's soul is deeply comforting to family.

The Music of the Night

On a Silent Night, Holy Night (a vigil), one of the first things I do is turn off the television. Though there is a channel with calm music programming set to nature scenes, the digital broadcast is unreliable. Our NODA program equips a Comfort Cart in each room with a CD player and case of discs. My current favorites are Angel Symphony, Memory Road, and Walk in the Woods.

The melodies take me to deep ponds of gratitude for the person's life:  their humanity, kindness, and courage. I assume the best. I consider them teachers. I forgive their shadows and encourage the true glory of their soul to burst forth from a tired shell.

On a Silent Night, Holy Night- everything is possible.

Sacred dying is another reason to write condolence because life is a spectacular thing. It is note-worthy.

Thank you for caring!

Ask the Coach: What to Write to a Friend with Terminal Illness

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On a flight last month, I introduced myself to seatmates and eventually handed the mother-daughter travelers my condolence tips bookmarks.

“This is great,” the daughter said. Her elderly mother remarked, “I live in a retirement community and we lose residents from time to time. The manager sets up a nice tribute display, and I like to send a card to the family.” But their next question took an interesting turn. 

“We have a couple friends who are terminally ill; I’d like to send a card, but what should I say?”

Let’s explore this:

• terminal illness is ‘the advanced stage of a disease with an unfavorable prognosis and no known cure.’ [source]
• a prognosis of a number of months (or years) is not a scheduled departure date.
• the outward condition (appearance) and functioning of a person with terminal illness will vary and may defy others’ expectations.
• and, until you are dead, you are alive.

Blogger Michelle Devon wrote with firsthand knowledge, in her blog, Dying To Live:

“Learning to live with a disease that is expected to result in your death absolutely does change your perspective. But as my blog title says, I’m not alive and dying. I’m dying to live!”

Michelle has transitioned, but I will always be grateful to her for sharing some riveting thoughts on the tug-of-war between living to stay alive and being the person you want to be.

Every day, in countless scenarios, we have the opportunity to say thank you, I  appreciate you. Remember this: until you are dead, you are alive. Recognize the life, the day-by-day simple moments of the person you write to. Embrace the opportunity to say thank you, to ask for a story, to appreciate a sunrise, a funny pet, a song. Keep that in mind during your daily activities and when you write a note to anyone.   Here are some suggestions about writing to a friend with terminal illness:

Don’t Write

Do Write

>I’m gonna miss you so much! >Get well soon! >Hey, Steve Jobs lived a long time with his pancreatic cancer, so … >Have you thought of: medical advice/legal  or tax advice What are you going to do about your (special needs family member) >Good riddance to that boring job! >Are the kids finally doing some housework?

>CARE: How are you today? >FEEL: I’m so sorry this has happened. >ENCOURAGE: Take care of yourself. >REMEMBER: I am thinking about you. In fact, I was just_____ and I remembered when __. >ROUTINE: Did that last storm send (pet) under the bed? >LISTEN: I would love to share a cup of tea sometime soon; I’m a good listener. By the way, my email is _____ >ADMIRE: I admire your courage and always have you in my prayers >AFFECTION: Give my love & hugs to __.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

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Grief and Health: The Healing Powers of Condolence

Grieving puts people under tremendous stress. 

Initially-- after the death of a loved one, there are so many things to do: 

• funeral planning and the functions surrounding one
• non-stop phone calls, made and taken
• packing and vacating a care facility where the deceased spent their final weeks
• writing checks... and then writing more checks
• and many, many more tasks

Acknowledge this in your note, and step up with help, if possible.

Grieving is exhausting.

"When this is over, I am going to collapse somewhere." 

If I had a dime for every time this was said... There is a remarkable parallel between the vigilance of family surrounding a dying person, and the attention paid to an orderly and respectful disposition of the loved one's body and worldly possessions.

• at the mercy of life forces and their mystery, there is no rushing--even advance directives follow a process
• if bedside shifts are assigned, there is usually one person serving as advocate and guardian
• being lovingly in charge requires a person to stand on slippery rocks against the unceasing waves of situation

 Again, acknowledge this in your note. 

Yes, condolence has healing powers.

• There is scientific proof that feeling sincerely cared for, has an immediate impact on our health.  Blood pressure and heart rate lower, calming hormones are released.
• Writing a condolence note is an act of compassion, and its healing powers touch the writer, too! 
• A well-written, hold-it-in-your-hand condolence note will be read many times, and with each reading, a healing moment is experienced!

Thank you for caring.