Getting to Acceptance: We're here because we're here

Milo - Image by family permission

Milo enlisted in the Coast Guard in 1942. He did not know if he'd be assigned to Atlantic or Pacific waters (and as a Middle America flatlander, oceans were not second nature) but going with the flow felt right. 

Honorably discharged after serving in Neah Bay off the Washington coast, Milo brought his wife and young son back to their hometown. Going with the flow felt right.

Sunday drives to picnic at lakes or visit extended family always found Milo parking the Hudson and announcing:

Ivan Antonenko, Unsplash

We're here because we're here! Yep, here, too, he went with the flow. 

Standing anywhere but in the midst of grief

Milo's quip is NOT the instinctive response when a loved one dies, but keep reading... 

We've long recited the five stages of grief identified by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: 

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

Sounding as easy as following a recipe, these stages are actually a personal journey with a very personal duration! In their book Moving Beyond Loss, Russell Friedman and John W. James identify six myths or ineffective responses employed by most grievers:

1. Don't Feel Bad
2. Replace the Loss
3. Grieve Alone
4. Grief Just Takes Time or Time Heals All Wounds
5. Be Strong and Be Strong for Others
6. Keep Busy

When choosing to be anywhere but in the midst of grief, lots of things may get done but transforming the pain of loss isn't usually one of them.

Giving grief a chance to do good things

What if rather than waiting for acceptance to magically or laboriously arrive, I CHOOSE acceptance? What if I say out loud: I'm here because I'm here. Matt Harvey, mindfulness/meditation practioner and author calls this 'embracing your life, even the tricky bits.'  In his essay on acceptance, he shows us how the polar opposites: (a) acting out on strong emotions or (b) suppressing feelings about one's circumstances --- have negative repercussions resulting in much more pain. 

Photo by Alex Jones on Unsplash

We are so inculturated to press, squeeze, and mold life as if it were clay. We worry that if we stop all the pressing either (a) nothing will happen or (b) something bad will happen.

Trying out nonresistance

Choosing to gently acknowledge the loss: "My dear one is no longer here. I miss them terribly. I don't know what's ahead," is a start. Acknowledging is nonresistance...taking my hands off the clay.

Matt counsels that when I stop seeing the grief as a problem to be solved and resisted, and instead just let it be, I will find myself opening in the present moment to a new flow in which things settle into a rightness. I now see choices, opportunities, helps and helpers. I feel more moments of calm instead of fear or pain.

Trying out nonresistance can move from challenging to empowering! I've been trying it out in big and little ways and the results are encouraging.

1. When I hear neighborhood noise like loud music from an idling car or a dog on a barking jag...I wait in nonresistance---I choose to relax and to trust my choice of nonresistance; eventually the car drives off, the dog settles down or is taken inside. I enjoy some reading and later, sleep well.
2. When circumstances prevent my being with a loved one on a holiday...I recognize the futility of getting into a lonesome funk and instead wait in nonresistance---I spend a few moments journaling to acknowledge and better understand my feelings as I relax and trust. In awhile, an interesting opportunity or invitation arrives by email or text; I may suddenly get an infusion of creative ideas and feel excited to start on them; I take a walk on a popular trail and enjoy friendly chitchat with others. 

We're here because we're here

Readers may remember my own grief journeys from the death of a parent to the more life-changing death of my spouse. Connecting with compassionate friends and recognizing that life is about adapting to new circumstances has always brought me to a state of harmony. My post on Making It Through the Moment reminds us that 'moments' are all we have and offers more strategies and mindsets to be present to what is.

This is your life and your journey through the mellow times, the joys and sorrows. Trust yourself ... hold a wise friend's hand for awhile ... and try going with the flow. I believe in you!

Thank you for caring and sharing!  

Making it Through the Moment, No Matter How Tough

The Growing Through Grief Series

It is a human tendency to encapsulate or categorize time into quantities. We order our days with calendars, reminder notifications and heaps of anticipation or dread. But isn’t it true that we only experience moments?  Some of us came from climates where weather changed quickly. We’d tease: wait five minutes and it will be different.

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A blue sky now clouds over; a downpour suddenly ceases, a clear road is overcome with whiteout. The same occurs in relationships: a facial expression or comment can 'change the weather' of the moment so that we feel warmed and welcomed or anxious and awkward.

Is there a reason for this moment?

In The Magic of Awareness,  Anam Thubten, Rinpoche, invites the recognition that “this very moment cannot be any better than it is right now.” If you’ve ever been told ‘everything happens for a reason,’ then it can be helpful to take a deep breath and trust that the moment will lead to the next, best moment. Life coach Byron Katie stated, "Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late."

This is not fluff or hogwash. Having faced myriad 'take a deep breath' life situations, I know the signs of crisis or coping. As a young woman, I quickly reacted with strong, sometimes debilitating emotions. In my post, H.A.L.T: Avoiding Self Care Red Flags, the support of a caring person helped anchor me to the present. In more recent years, my mindfulness practices (yoga, meditation, affirmative prayer) led me to ask that important question: Is there a reason for this moment?

Used with permission,
Melinda Rogers

Often, we are simply standing in 'someone else's weather,' -- minor kerfluffles or the dramatic storms of their life and/or death. My friend Charlotte notes that, from moment to moment, we either teach or learn. If the reason or purpose is not readily apparent, wait on the revelation of insight. Keep your heart open, and it will come.

Health challenges

When changes in health occur -- from catching an inconvenient cold, getting a positive Covid-19 test, or the spiral into chronic or terminal illness -- it is extremely hard to stay centered in the moment. And it takes tremendous support or spiritual grounding to accept the condition with peace, welcoming its insights and growth. Still, it is worth trying and of course, the key is to make it through the moment.

Steps to help someone make it through the moment

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• Understand that your presence and acceptance of someone's struggle is a huge part of the help. This is an important concept in any form of vigiling or support because without words, it communicates 'you are not alone.'
• Tips for credibility of presence: silence and place your cell phone somewhere it won't be disturbing or tempting. If you must keep track of time, state that up front and set an appliance timer (like the stove) so you don't keep checking. Turn off the TV. Respectfully declutter your visiting area by removing a meal tray, stacking mail elsewhere, straighten a blanket, fluff a pillow, clear or straighten miscellany from nearby surfaces, and bring one pretty decorative item into view.
• My friend, Melinda, reminds me that staying in the moment can be as simple as quality time with friends, family, pets, and doing activities such as crafting or cooking.
• Believe that acceptance of the moment will be helpful. Always be loving and gentle. View the moment with the same awe or wonderment as if you were observing an unusual work of art. Simply accepting it is more important than understanding all of the whys for this life situation or condition. 
• It can be said that life is a tapestry of situations or conditions. It is an energetic mystery but when I resist a situation, I prolong it and my stress or pain; when I accept it, resolution or relief come quickly.

• Sacred poetry blogger-philosopher Ivan M. Granger mused in a recent Thought for the Day post: 

Come to that confrontation with yourself, on all sides. Come unarmed. The secret: Embrace everything you find.

• In the company of your friend facing the challenge, listen, and empathize with your presence and caring expression or a light touch but avoid launching into a complex discussion of the story.
• Ask a series of questions that require in-the-moment responses. Examples are:
• Do you feel warm or cold? Would you like me to adjust the room temperature, loosen your clothing or put a throw on your lap? 
• Where is there discomfort now? What form of relief can we try? 
• What thoughts are you having now? Can you name something good about this moment? What are you grateful for right now?
• Describe a challenge that you are having right now? Say something to it !
• How does this room we're in comfort or annoy you? What are your favorite things in this room? What can we adjust to make it more pleasing?
• What or who can you forgive or ask forgiveness for right now? Do you need to forgive a part of your body?
• What are you teaching in this a moment?
• As a companion, you may be able to suggest something that you are being 'taught' by your friend/loved one's experience. 
• What are you learning in this moment?
• If this was a perfect day, what would it be like?
• What part of this day is perfect?
• Tell me about someone who is still benefiting from a help you once gave?
• Finally, one of the most powerful centering practices is to view or hold one small thing--preferably something from nature-a rock, a twig, a shell- and study it with sight, touch, smell. Think of its creation, its experiences; this focus can produce awe, joy, and peace.

Presence has power and powerlessness

Have you noticed this duality? Look closely at the smallest thing you have power over, as well as the things you surrender to. This is part of the human experience. Awareness and surrender to the circumstance can be a freeing choice. Exploring these two topics through reading and contemplation will enlighten--truly brighten your path. Share the insight gently, as life invites you.

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Journey of the Mind: Co-Meditation with the Dying

 Sacred Journey

Off and on for over twenty years, I’ve been a hospice volunteer and my favorite duty has been sitting with the actively dying. Tough, right? Actually, I view dying as a sacred journey--the counterpoint to the wonder of birth and thus, it’s a privilege to share that space with someone. One afternoon, I was called to visit “Cheryl,” who was quickly declining. Medications had been administered but I found her restless and distressed after a fall and painful arm injury. “I just want to go into the woods and die,” she cried. “Well, you can, Cheryl. Let’s go together,” was my reply.

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Gently stroking her hand, I described our walk from the sidewalk of a noisy Tucson street into the breeze whispering stillness of the woods.
Underfoot, the dense loam of brown leaves and pine needles hushed and softened our footsteps. Pale light filtered through the forest canopy; a squirrel darted by and unseen birds chittered now and then. “The woods smell so sweet; why don’t we sit on this big log for awhile, Cheryl.” In the afternoon stillness, our breathing slowed and words were unnecessary. We had arrived at the doorway to peace, and Cheryl left her body a few hours later.

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Freedom of Spirit

Jack Kornfield, author and a key teacher of mindfulness, calls this experience “freedom of spirit.” No matter what circumstances weigh on your physical life, your spirit--the ‘you’ behind the flesh--is always free. Kornfield reminds us, “your mind is not limited to your head,” so you need only be still and aware to enter unrestricted spaciousness. Older adults often find it easier to settle in a comfy chair, close the eyes, enjoy some full breaths and then float in awareness. The seas and breezes of your being may drift through memory and gratitude, to a place of deep peace. Some people call it a ‘practice’ and use bells and rituals to get here. Increasingly, health professionals are putting down the prescription pads and pointing to quiet places. 

Comeditation

If you find yourself with a loved one who is dying, or struggling with an illness, follow my example of introducing comeditation. It has been proven to calm physical and mental distress. It can be focused on natural, rhythmic breathing without words, but an explanation to the person you are caring for, helps them orient to the calm. It is also important to note that the dying person does not need to be conscious to benefit!

You can make a difference:  pull up a chair, take their hand, and ask: 

If you could be some place else right now, where would you go?

What a wonderful gift to offer! If their go-to place is something you can describe, do so; if they feel able to describe the journey, encourage them to be as vivid and sensory in their description, as possible. But for the fullest calming benefit, don't turn it into a dialogue. Finally, once you both have "arrived" at the place, sit quietly with eyes closed. Let the journey last for its comfortable duration. 

Read more about impermanence and mindfulness:

Impermanence: changing how you cope with change

Read more about mindfulness:

Finding pleasure and peace in slow

Thank you for caring...and sharing!