A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

 Readers,

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It's been awhile since I just wrote some basics about supporting a grieving person. So here is a refresher, listing a dozen simple ways to express sympathy and render comfort. 

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

(from your trusted source: The Condolence Coach)

1. Listen.  2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult. "Gosh, this is a difficult time!" 3. A gentle hug or nonintrusive touch may have more value than words.  4. We all die, but there is no "easier" age for the grieving; this includes a miscarried child. 5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.  6. Learn and use a name, but it's okay to just write 'your Mom.' 7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence. 8. Ask a survivor for one of ​their​ favorite memories.  9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note. 10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.  11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices. Don't suggest things like adopting another pet, that they start dating, or that they try to have another baby. 12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

6 Tips for Writing Condolence to a Relative

I have a strong suspicion that many readers have not considered writing a condolence note to a relative. Do you recognize these 6 excuses?

1. We see each other a lot.
2. I just saw them at the service.
3. We call, text, or Facebook each other.
4. Writing seems so formal.
5. I'd rather give a hug than a letter.
6. They'll find out I'm not a writer.

When Grandma died in the airport

I do write condolences to relatives, and readers of my book remember the story of Grandma's death in an airport restroom. Awful, right? Now imagine how frightened, panicked, and devastated her family felt. Grandpop and my father waited in the terminal while my mother accompanied her mother to the ladies room. "I don't feel well. I need to sit down," moaned Grandma as she sunk to the floor. Being a practical woman, she unpinned her 'corset money' from an undergarment, which she earned from bead and crochet crafts, and handed it to her daughter. My mother felt so powerless to render comfort other than her presence. And by the time an EMT team arrived, Grandma had succumbed to the heart attack.

Yes, I wrote a note to my mother! It's in the book. For losses spanning human, pet, job and other difficult life circumstance, I  have written condolences to my father, siblings, sisters-and-mother-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. 

Relatives are people, too

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The reasons for writing a condolence are universal. You are striving to lend support and a few moments of comfort. You have many advantages in being a relative:  you likely have one or several special memories--including photos, to share; in fact, your relationship and likely interactions with the deceased are unique, increasing the likelihood of a unique memory! Did your uncle recognize an interest or talent and give you a nurturing gift? Did you pet-sit for your sister's cat and discover something special in its golden-eyed gaze? Did your brother-in-law help you move after a divorce? These memories can be shared, thanks and appreciation can be expressed. Did you watch your aging mother-in-law make--and lose--friend after friend?

The comfort that your note delivers does not--should not--be wrapped in complex, philosophical or religious explanations. You are 'off the hook' to take away pain, map out the future, or give wise advice. Just be sincere. Now, more than ever, real handwritten, hold-in-the-hand condolences are treasures. They are re-read during quiet and lonely times; they are shared with others; they provide what the digital age cannot.

6 Tips for writing to a relative

Let me caution you:  if you think that buying a lovely card and writing "so sorry for your loss, she will be missed" is adequate, please click on the links peppered throughout this post for a quick, comprehensive review of condolence writing. You don't need to use all 6 tips at once. Think about the deceased and the recipient, then listen to your heart.

1. Acknowledge the loss and express sympathy:  "I am so sorry this day has come; Terry's death leaves an empty space."
2. Acknowledge the relationship:  "Your sister, Mary, knew she could count on you." 
3. Share a classic, well known memory:  "Bailey's greeting at the door always made me smile." 
4. Share a personal/unique memory:  "Uncle Rick saw my creative side and gave me a set of pastel crayons." (Never break a confidence, or share cruel or embarrassing memories.) 
5. Offer encouragement and/or help:  "I know you're facing a big job to ready the house for sale, so remember: my truck and my time are at your service." 
6. Express gratitude for the recipient or deceased:  "You were so supportive to Elsa, especially when she couldn't feed herself; it taught me a lot about compassion."

Which relative should I write to?

Who is the next-of-kin? Who do you have a connection to? If you are closer to your cousin than to your aunt who just lost her husband, it's okay to write to your cousin; he or she will probably share the note.

Should I write to more than one relative?

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You certainly can, but don't feel pressured to blow through a 12-pack of note cards. While considering which relative to write to, your heart will put checkmarks by those you want to express sympathy to. Attending a visitation or service allows you to touch base with many people, which can 'winnow' the roster of notes. Review your memories and your emotional, heartfelt responses; if you feel the impulse, writing two or three simple and caring notes is lovely.

When should I write?

We write condolence notes even when we attend services. If you can be present for gatherings, consider delaying your note until after; you will return to your desk ready to share feelings and observations with enriched awareness of:

• the scope of a family and community's shared affection
• life details you did not know such as quiet achievements and talents, branch of military service, significant dates
• qualities of your note's recipient

Thank you for caring!

Angels Above Baby Gowns: A Time to Tear and A Time to Mend

Readers of The Condolence Coach may remember my introductory post, Angels Above Baby Gowns: Soothing a Terrible Loss. This organization uses donated wedding dresses to sew burial gowns for infants. 

I wanted to learn more about the women who gave their wedding dresses in support of parents whose baby didn't come home from the hospital…Teri and Melanie shared their stories in Angels Above Baby Gowns: Someday I'll Meet My Brothers. Janene shared her story in Angels Above Baby Gowns: Heartbeats and Lightening Bolts.

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To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

A Time to Tear and a Time to Mend

Part 1.

“I was born when my mother was 37-½ years old, a ‘welcome surprise.’”

This is how Pamela Conley begins the story of her mother, Margaret, who married the boy-next-door, Jim, in 1946, after his service in World War II.

Even before they were childhood sweethearts, they were friends in a Detroit neighborhood swarming with children. Living a stone’s throw from Clark Park, Margaret and Jim enjoyed organized Parks & Recreation activities: ping pong, archery, softball, arts and crafts. And when the park's big goldfish ponds froze over, they would ice skate, taking breaks in one of the pavilions where the warmth of hot cocoa and a pot belly stove soothed frigid fingers and toes.

During her wartime engagement, Margaret helped out on her parents’ Rockwood, Michigan farm. With a strong sense of purpose in contributing to the family’s livelihood, Margaret drove farm equipment and tended chickens. In the evenings, she wrote letters to her Army beau, Jim. “My mom saved everything, and I have all of his letters to her,” marveled Pam. “My attic holds a lifetime of memories--from mom's high school graduation gifts to their wedding guestbook and gift registry.”

Margaret's wedding day

This legacy of valuing what one has, rings true for Pamela, who resides in the home where she grew up. “My bedroom set is 68 years old,” she noted.

A lovely dress has a new purpose

“Tradition is not so important to young people-- their world is full of disposables and replaceables,” was Pam's lament.

Which is why the discovery of Angels Above Baby Gowns on Facebook excited her. “I feel the Lord led me to find this perfect opportunity where Mom’s wedding gown can be put to good use. It wasn’t properly preserved so there are some areas of damage, but there is beautiful lacework and beading.”

Indeed, when the volunteer seamstresses at Angels Above Baby Gowns receive a wedding dress, they focus on repurposing possibilities, not rejection. In addition to panels of satin, tulle and lace, decorative elements are harvested: buttons, beading, trims, appliques, flowers… the transformations and re-creations are endless. The comfort they afford grieving parents is priceless.

Even a rose at the neckline is handcrafted

Lace from Margaret's dress became flower parts

“Mom would be thrilled, and I am so comforted.”

“This fills such a gap!” Pamela observed. She is getting more involved, too, by participating in a recent delivery of angel gowns to an area hospital. Pam has also offered the organization her mother’s old cabinet sewing machine. “If Dawn [Dawn Lafferty, founder] can refurbish it for use, she is welcome to it!”

A Time to Tear and a Time to Mend

Part 2.

“I had a pre-term baby--but brought the baby home!”

In 1987, Sharlene Clair gave birth to Bryan, 6 weeks early. Weighing in at 4 pounds-15 ounces, he failed the apnea test, and remained in the hospital, on oxygen, for two weeks. "Being home without my baby was hard, but I had a three year old at home, too. I cheered myself up by going to Toys R’ Us and getting things to pamper Bryan. I was never afraid that he wouldn’t come home.”

Shar holds newborn Bryan

A boot-size baby

AOP, Apnea of Prematurity, is common in premature babies because their lungs are not fully developed. But the NICU protocol in 1987 allowed babies to be discharged to home with an apnea monitor. 

Example of an apnea monitor

The band of foam around the chest has leads measuring heart and breath rate; if the rates become too low, an alarm on the monitor sounds.  

Once her son came home, monitoring was Shar’s responsibility. “The hospital neonatal nurses were wonderful; I could call at any hour, and I kept a journal. We had to have babysitters who were CPR trained. It was too stressful for many of them.”  But at the age of 11 months, Bryan graduated off the monitor.

“We have more stories to laugh about than cry about.”

Shar is not a stranger to dramatic life moments and the detours they bring. In 2007, her frail parents came from Arizona for a wedding--and stayed. Realizing they needed to step up with support, Shar and her husband, Bob, moved to a one-level home and welcomed her parents. Since her dad’s passing, Shar’s mother, Bobbie, still shares life with them.

Sharlene and Bob at the altar

Sharlene’s first exposure to the angel gown concept was the Facebook page of a Texas group. Recalling how fortunate she had been with the survival of her premature son, Shar was preparing to ship her dress to the Lonestar State. Along came the ‘detour’ of discovering the Michigan group, Angels Above Baby Gowns. “I was so excited to find a nearby Michigan organization!”

“Their passion touched my heart!”

The posting for a local gown-drop-off picnic became a mother-daughter outing. Shar and Bobbie gave the lovely wedding dress to founder, Dawn Lafferty, and discovered they each retired from the same company.

Isn’t a wedding dress a sentimental keepsake?

“I had no second thoughts about donating my dress,” shared Shar. 

“I thought about using it to have a baptismal gown sewn for a grandchild, but it wasn’t the right thing for our family.

This is a great cause!”

November 2017 UPDATE:  In the words of founder, Dawn, "Angels Above Baby Gowns is still going strong. We are now in over 350 hospitals and in 5 countries. We grow bigger everyday."

Read the story of where the angel gowns go: Delivery At A Birthing Center

LEARN MORE!  This link provides resources for parents grieving the death of a baby.

The Condolence Coach was inspired to write about Angels Above Baby Gowns by a woman who lost two grandchildren by miscarriage.  When Grandparents Grieve

Readers may also wish to visit this post about baby and children's death:  Two Too Many: Gone But Never Forgotten

When siblings experience the death of a baby brother or sister, these posts may provide good condolence guidance:  Grieving Children, Part 1,  and  Grieving Children, Part 2.

This post is a good review of responding to any child's death: 5 Things to Say When Death Strikes the Young

This is a peer support blog by and for parents grieving an infant: Wanted Chosen Planned

Keep the conversation going--share this post, and Thank you for caring!

3 Adopted Bucket Lists: Do's and Don'ts

This spring, I read a story about a young woman who decided to finish her Grandma's bucket list. 

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Does this happen often? I wondered. Increasingly so! 

Embracing the bucket lists of others provides 'instant life purpose' and a unique form of tribute. Some orphaned bucket lists 'trend' on social media and are fulfilled many times over.

Facebook Condolence Notes

IS IT OKAY TO SEND CONDOLENCES ON FACEBOOK? 

That question arose in a recent Ask Amy advice column, by a woman grieving the death of her father.

Explaining that she used both personal and electronic forms of communication to notify friends and co-workers of her dad's passing, she was fairly appalled to receive e-sympathy. And I nodded my head as I read her longing for "something I could hold, display and perhaps save."

Facebook fills many social networking needs, and memorial pages/death notices are being posted all the time. With growing frequency, families decline my offer to place an obituary (notice) in the newspaper, saying: "we'll let our friends know about the funeral with Facebook." An electronic culture of communication is a two-way street, though.

I appreciate how many people walk in the door of the funeral home with an envelope in hand and clearly, the recipients of those sympathy cards do, too.

• Please try to follow-up your Facebook comment with a real condolence note. 
• If you do not have the home address of your Facebook "friend," it is always acceptable to mail a card to the funeral home that handled the arrangements. We are happy to securely forward mail.

Miss Manners Votes for Old Fashioned Condolence

To Hold A Card In Your Hand...

 Just a week ago in Judith Martin's MISS MANNERS column, a woman wrote that, at the loss of a parent, she received many sympathetic emails, texts, Facebook entries, and of course phone calls and messages... But no cards or letters by postal mail. And she was sad about that.

The "social network" does not have texture, it does not have the dearness of card rack musing, penned ink, crooked stamp, mailbox surprise.

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Miss Manners sympathized, and agreed that "old fashioned" condolence touches the hurting heart in a very special way.

Go pick out a card. Pick something gentle, simple, attractive, with an inscription that feels like your voice to what ever level of caring resonates with this relationship. Write a sentence or two in your own handwriting. It will be received with deep appreciation.

Thank you for caring and sharing!