Condolence By Email: Caring Words Don't Need Postage

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It's time for me to update a position I wrote about over a decade ago. In writing To Hold A Card In Your Hand, I referenced etiquette expert Miss Manners (Judith Martin) and the courtesies and comforts of condolence notes received through the mail. The qualities I was most enthusiastic about had to do with being able to share the card, re-read the card, and to hold a card. And while there is certainly no reason to argue against those benefits, let's look at some realities.

Connections

Today, we know a lot of people through affiliations of activities, employment, volunteering, social media, chance-but-meaningful encounters and numerous other connections. BUT WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR MAILING ADDRESSES. In fact, in so many affiliations it would seem intrusive to even ask for a mailing address. I have encountered that 'awkward moment' in asking, and better realized that someone felt my request was crossing a line---too personal. So let's respect that, and move on.

There is a very good chance that your affiliation does include an email address. Never use email addresses for solicitation unless it is clearly a networking affiliation such as LinkedIn, Meetup, Facebook or another social media forum with the key purpose of information exchange.

Sharing

Condolence by email does allow sharing and re-reading. I have done both with emailed condolences and appreciate the quick access to archived email. Most importantly, the caring gesture, the sympathy and compassionate outreach is appreciated by someone facing a loss. 

Will there be a later cup of coffee and more sharing? You could mention it if both of you are local. But it is okay to maintain the electronic line and even elevate the 'meeting of hearts and minds', over the meeting of eyes over lattes.

Caring

With this established, what does your e-condolence say? 

• Who are you writing to? Are you writing to a relative, a coworker, a client? Are you the manager or owner of a company with a grieving employee? Need a cross-section of situational sensitivity? 

• E-cards: It's not necessary, but if you subscribe to an e-card app this is a good start. There are themes for sympathy and you can select the right imagery and vibe. Most cards are animated and have a soundtrack, so exercise the patience to preview the card to determine if it is suited to the recipient and the nature of the loss.

• Your words: There is only one mission to a condolence:  COMFORT. Never express a personal

  

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  agenda or judgment in condolence! I have actually been told or overhead these ill-suited comments: "Now that your cat is gone you can babysit my cat when I travel." "Being single has its benefits." "You can take your mind off it with the new project." "You still have the other kids." "Well, she was very old." "My memorial donation to ____ is eligible for the extra charitable deduction." Readers, you get my point!

• Sorry. Gratitude. Good Memories. Admiration. Connect with your heart before you start typing, and certainly before you hit SEND. This note does not have to be particularly lengthy, just focus on caring. Re-read your sympathy expression: does it warm your heart? If so, you have written a lovely e-condolence. 

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

My Turn to Grieve

The Growing Through Grief series

I am known to many as the one who is easy with matters of dying and death. I can discuss ways to make the end of life sacred, the paperwork of death, funeral options and military honors. I do this with the conversational tone you would use to discuss the price of organic veggies, local car repair shops, or summer travel plans. For over ten years, I’ve been known as the Condolence Coach by a world of readers, but I am long overdue for a new post, and here’s why.

Last fall, when my mother entered hospice, my zeal to discuss death’s details and grief journeys, withered. In truth, it cowered in the corner, shunning all but the most necessary social contact. Sharing the life-altering news became my daily ‘small talk.’ A dog walking neighbor might comment on last night’s wind and I replied: “my mother is in hospice.” Meeting another shopper at the grocer’s card rack, I offered, “my mother is in hospice but I think she’ll make her 90th birthday.” To my relief, people were kind.

Perhaps it’s not accurate to say I lost my 'zeal,' when the real loss was ‘innocence.’ While my experience and knowledge as a hospice volunteer and funeral professional deepened insight and compassion, it was always ‘someone else’s loved one.’ Detachment preserved the innocence of my heart. Now, this was my heartache.

Sadness Selfie

Across the country, heavily sedated with the standard hospice cocktail of morphine and lorazepam, Mother wasn’t taking birthday phone calls. I quelled the panic of her slipping away by reaching out psychically. I imagined her approval and laughter as I played dress-up with the pink paisley poncho she had sewn for me fifty years ago.

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Digging through my jewelry box, I ringed its neckline with lapel pins she’d given: quirky cat, pine cone, straw dolls, and artsy swirl. Like the young bride seeking her mirrored reflection on the morning after deflowering, I sought mine and took a selfie, seeking to preserve the transforming mystery of my profound sadness. 

Until I was called to serve at my mother’s deathbed, my vigil occurred thousands of miles to the west with intense meditations, journaling, tears, and talks with my husband. I began to trust the truth of a message I’d texted when she was still able to communicate: 

“You are a fabulous woman:  

and will always be so, with or without a body.”

Photo used with permission,
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

Sacred Grieving

I began reading Grieving- the Sacred Art, Hope in the Land of Loss by Lisa Irish. Long believing death is not a medical event but a sacred one, I embraced the idea of sacred grief. Initially stunned by what Irish calls “a swirl of painful and overwhelming emotions,” I felt validated by her words, accepting that my moments of disorientation were sacramental emotions. Irish promised that if I did not identify grief as ‘the problem’ it would become ‘the solution’ and offer me hidden gifts. 

The first gift was an opportunity to vigil at my mother’s bedside. Though I was not new to this process, the intimate ministry of care for someone I adored was as riveting as it was taxing. ‘Profound’ remains one of the few useful words for this time.

Photo used with permission,
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

In the months since my mother’s death, I have received more of grief’s gifts: peace, wisdom, and gratitude. Glimpses of siblings’ grief have proven that we all walk personal paths through loss. My long held advocacy of the value of condolence notes, was affirmed. After I shared the news of my mother’s death--along with the narrative obituary I’d composed, the arrival of sympathy cards and supportive emails became an invaluable balm. I shared most of them with my family, thus multiplying their comforting impact. As the Condolence Coach, I reversed my rigid opposition to electronic condolence; for expediency and privacy, it has a place.

Sacred grieving deepened my spirituality. I celebrate my mother’s legacy of preferences and mannerisms. I believe her soul remains within reach through love. I find that memories should be curated-- as enduring or disposable. I strive to avoid regrets-- those shoulda, coulda, woulda’s-- which only sour the sweet gift of recollections.

Am I done grieving? Deadlines and calendar pages have no place in this sacred experience. I have--and will have--days of longing for my mother. 

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In 2014, I reblogged Elaine Stillwell's article, An Emergency Kit For a Bad Day . She stressed the importance of self-care, and the value of being prepared for the unexpected "black days" that can arise after a loss. My emergency kit also includes outdoor exercise, meditation moments, gratitude for a birdsong greeting, the surprise of a heart rock in the trail, and volunteering in my community. These are the stepping stones for my inner peace, one day at a time.

Thank you for caring!

Memorial Service Surprise: being quoted because you cared

Photo used with permission:
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

The memorial service was on Saturday afternoon at 2 o'clock, but my newly widowed neighbor had advised: come around 1:30 because it will get busy.

Our community has a sizable population of seniors. We enjoy varied interests, often volunteer, we have setbacks and sickness, we die.

You know how it is with neighbors

 

You connect with some, others are strangers but you know their car or truck. David was a good guy and being really sick didn't make him a hermit. If you needed a ride or a tool or advice about a snake in your yard--he was your go-to-guy. But he died.

We'd been to his bedside once hospice took over. His grip on my hand was fierce as he searched his weary brain for Bible citations, asking his wife to pull the Good Book down from a high shelf. Lisa opted for an iPad Concordance. Verses were read, but his hunger would not be met by the sagging slice of blueberry pie nearby. David was ready to harvest the crop of his life's sowing.

Led by David's widow to the front row at the memorial, we were greeted warmly before the service, by dozens of the congregation. 'Neighbors' had embarrassingly-exalted status here. Over and over, with handshakes and smiles, I repeated our appreciation for the family we came to support.

The designated speaker, Lamar, shared his own story of David's skill, kindness, and 'righteousness.' This go-to-guy had touched many lives. Reaching for a sheet, Lamar said, "Let me share from a note that Lisa received."

I began to hear my own words..."We were very saddened to not have more time with David. He lived the love-thy-neighbor Golden Rule..."

Photo used with permission:
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

Writing a condolence note, sharing your thoughts and memories in a sympathy card, is a gesture that touches more lives than you may imagine. It is a wonderful prospect, really: you have written to one person (in this case, David's wife) and yet, all who visited Lisa after the death, read-- and were comforted by-- the cards she had received. This is why a handwritten condolence note is so much more valuable than an electronic message:  it can be shared in a way that resonates with deeply-felt presence.

Don't let the prospect of unexpected readers scare you off! 

My Top 5 Keys for a Comforting Condolence Note
is a reliable aid; using two or three Keys is all it takes for a sensitive and comforting note.

1. I am very sorry.
2. I feel so fortunate to have known (use name) because___.
3. You have been a wonderful ___ (state relationship and cite an example, if possible.)
4. My favorite memory of (use name) is ___.
5. What I admired most about (use name) is ___.

Feel encouraged? Keep reading! 

Why Is Sympathy Sweet?

Don't Rush Your Condolence Note

The View from Downward Dog: Little Observations

Thank you for caring!

When a Friend Dies: Regrets and Remembrance

Are you someone who

"never got a chance to say goodbye"?

Collage by Paula Bowman

Paula Bowman is, and recently shared her poem with me. Her friendship with 'Julie' had its ups and down-- what friendship doesn't? But when death doesn't give you both the chance to regain equilibrium and return to the loveliness of enjoying each other, it hurts.

The surviving friend may feel full-to-bursting with things left unsaid: apologies, fresh perspectives, and forgiveness. How do you handle feelings of unresolved issues, unfinished business and of course, LOSS? The Condolence Coach addressed loss of a friend in BFFs Die Too: bridging a best friend's death. The good news is that your memories will endure. The bad news is, yes, that your memories will endure. Which ones will you focus on?

One way to focus on the good memories is to put the bad memories to rest-- in fact, give them a proper funeral! To do so, you need to finish the fight, carry that 'unfinished' conversation to a state of acceptance. Think about it: in friendship, you accept so many things about another person. Can you find your way to this generous, compassionate embrace of their individuality, though the friend is not living? In Dear Frank, I'm Sorry You Died: writing to the deceased, the Coach suggested a method of letter writing to reach this calm state...thereby freeing you to focus on the good memories.

JULIE'S DEATH

by Paula Bowman

So there she is, beyond the pale,

And I have lost her, once again,

But I must realize that she
was truly gone from me

A long, long time ago. It is nothing new.

I tried and tried to reach her,

As we all grew older, And as time went by,

But she refused to see me.

And, as often is the case with death so final,

I never thought - not once -
that I would lose her all at once,

One day, All in a moment's time.

I always thought - Was I pretending?-

I would have so much to say,

When once she let me in, again,

And I thought how much I'd make it better:
Everything all better.

And here she is all dead, and passed away,

With Christmas coming in two weeks,

And now I'll never say it,

But it all fills up my heart:

Is this that age-old cry,

Of those that never got a chance

To say goodbye?

December 8, 2009

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Readers may want to explore these Quick Links
to other posts on the loss of a friend,
including losing friends as we age,
and the issue of regret:

LOSS OF A FRIEND:

BFFs Die Too: bridging a best friend's death

LOSS OF AN AGING FRIEND:

Death over 70

FINDING PEACE FOR THINGS LEFT UNSAID OR UNRESOLVED:

Dear Frank, I'm Sorry You Died. Writing to the Deceased

SELF-CARE:

Brushing up on The Mourner's Bill of Rights

HELPING SOMEONE WHO HAS LOST A FRIEND:

Climbing Out of Deep Space: through and beyond grief

Thank you for caring!

6 Tips for Writing Condolence to a Relative

I have a strong suspicion that many readers have not considered writing a condolence note to a relative. Do you recognize these 6 excuses?

1. We see each other a lot.
2. I just saw them at the service.
3. We call, text, or Facebook each other.
4. Writing seems so formal.
5. I'd rather give a hug than a letter.
6. They'll find out I'm not a writer.

When Grandma died in the airport

I do write condolences to relatives, and readers of my book remember the story of Grandma's death in an airport restroom. Awful, right? Now imagine how frightened, panicked, and devastated her family felt. Grandpop and my father waited in the terminal while my mother accompanied her mother to the ladies room. "I don't feel well. I need to sit down," moaned Grandma as she sunk to the floor. Being a practical woman, she unpinned her 'corset money' from an undergarment, which she earned from bead and crochet crafts, and handed it to her daughter. My mother felt so powerless to render comfort other than her presence. And by the time an EMT team arrived, Grandma had succumbed to the heart attack.

Yes, I wrote a note to my mother! It's in the book. For losses spanning human, pet, job and other difficult life circumstance, I  have written condolences to my father, siblings, sisters-and-mother-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. 

Relatives are people, too

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The reasons for writing a condolence are universal. You are striving to lend support and a few moments of comfort. You have many advantages in being a relative:  you likely have one or several special memories--including photos, to share; in fact, your relationship and likely interactions with the deceased are unique, increasing the likelihood of a unique memory! Did your uncle recognize an interest or talent and give you a nurturing gift? Did you pet-sit for your sister's cat and discover something special in its golden-eyed gaze? Did your brother-in-law help you move after a divorce? These memories can be shared, thanks and appreciation can be expressed. Did you watch your aging mother-in-law make--and lose--friend after friend?

The comfort that your note delivers does not--should not--be wrapped in complex, philosophical or religious explanations. You are 'off the hook' to take away pain, map out the future, or give wise advice. Just be sincere. Now, more than ever, real handwritten, hold-in-the-hand condolences are treasures. They are re-read during quiet and lonely times; they are shared with others; they provide what the digital age cannot.

6 Tips for writing to a relative

Let me caution you:  if you think that buying a lovely card and writing "so sorry for your loss, she will be missed" is adequate, please click on the links peppered throughout this post for a quick, comprehensive review of condolence writing. You don't need to use all 6 tips at once. Think about the deceased and the recipient, then listen to your heart.

1. Acknowledge the loss and express sympathy:  "I am so sorry this day has come; Terry's death leaves an empty space."
2. Acknowledge the relationship:  "Your sister, Mary, knew she could count on you." 
3. Share a classic, well known memory:  "Bailey's greeting at the door always made me smile." 
4. Share a personal/unique memory:  "Uncle Rick saw my creative side and gave me a set of pastel crayons." (Never break a confidence, or share cruel or embarrassing memories.) 
5. Offer encouragement and/or help:  "I know you're facing a big job to ready the house for sale, so remember: my truck and my time are at your service." 
6. Express gratitude for the recipient or deceased:  "You were so supportive to Elsa, especially when she couldn't feed herself; it taught me a lot about compassion."

Which relative should I write to?

Who is the next-of-kin? Who do you have a connection to? If you are closer to your cousin than to your aunt who just lost her husband, it's okay to write to your cousin; he or she will probably share the note.

Should I write to more than one relative?

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You certainly can, but don't feel pressured to blow through a 12-pack of note cards. While considering which relative to write to, your heart will put checkmarks by those you want to express sympathy to. Attending a visitation or service allows you to touch base with many people, which can 'winnow' the roster of notes. Review your memories and your emotional, heartfelt responses; if you feel the impulse, writing two or three simple and caring notes is lovely.

When should I write?

We write condolence notes even when we attend services. If you can be present for gatherings, consider delaying your note until after; you will return to your desk ready to share feelings and observations with enriched awareness of:

• the scope of a family and community's shared affection
• life details you did not know such as quiet achievements and talents, branch of military service, significant dates
• qualities of your note's recipient

Thank you for caring!

Compassion and Condolence: Finding the Words to Walk Together

What is compassionate condolence?

It isn’t just about picking the right card… It is about stepping up as a messenger of support
when someone you know is facing one of life’s most uncomfortable occurrences-- DEATH--the loss of a loved one.

It is a time of great passion.

Source

The Buddhist nun and poet, Otagaki Rengetsu wrote of of our challenge in facing the death of someone dear:

"It is hardest to be the one left behind.”

I addressed acts of compassion in this poem:

To Gentle The Cheerless Corners

It is a sharp edged world we live in,

As if splinters and slashes stalk us

Like self-willed entities.

They set snare for us:  mean-spirited,

And intent on little tortures.

Always a quick wounding;

Instantly known and cursed,

Lifted to the lips,

Simply salved yet revisited with surprise-

A searing moment when cleansed or flexed.

In time, healed in flesh-

A faint pucker, pink halo.

To heal by the sword- cloaked and wary,

We remain blind and bleeding

From our own sharp edges.

To heal by grace-

Kind and caring,

We smooth the splintered plank,

Dull the point,

And gentle cheerless corners of

The sharp-edged world.

 Where do I begin?

Before you pick up a pen, you begin by connecting with feelings--the ones in your heart, not your head: good feelings...uncomfortable feelings…

I want to get into a heart-centric place because it is there that I won’t face internal censors and fears.
I will be honest and empathetic. Common fears about writing condolence are:

• I don’t want to trigger sadness
• I can’t make the pain go away
• I didn’t know my boss’s parent
• It was a miscarriage/stillbirth--isn’t that a private medical matter?
• The survivor and deceased weren’t on good terms
• I don’t know their religious practices
• Wasn’t sending flowers or money to a charity, enough?
• I don’t want to cross professional boundaries
• I’m too late

Put these fears aside; they are all surmountable. Follow the link of each fear, to the Coach's solution.

The heart-centric place

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The heart-centric place is like a slideshow:  of memories and moments for gratitude. Get inspired-- did you know the root of that word is to be IN SPIRIT?

Get out a pad of paper and pen and FOCUS a JOYFILLED and/or GRATEFUL SPOTLIGHT  on the deceased. You can also include thoughts about a caregiver or special person in their life. Just let it flow.

When you've filled up a page, you will have many thoughts to choose from in composing your compassionate condolence.

Thank you for caring!

Condolence When Your Coach Dies: Saying Thank you

The headline read:

Livonia Stevenson coaching icon Reardon passes away 

My thoughts went back to those 'Friday Night Lights' years. Those were the years of envying gymnastically-adept cheerleaders, and tongue-tied gazing at the player boy I had a crush on.

"Goodbye, Stevenson High"

My favorite memory of the football field was commencement on a hot June afternoon. Today's high schools rent fancy auditoriums so no one sweats:  boring! I have a crooked pinkie finger from catching a football wrong, but that was in the backyard. Still, I know one absolute:

Some coaches earn their icon status

Ed Wright, staff writer for Hometown Life newspapers' Livonia Observer, allowed me to share this January 21, 2015 tribute article with you:

A condolence note is a thank you

Here's how to write to the family of your coach:

1. Visit the funeral home website. Remember: even if you get your details from Facebook or another social media site, your goal is to write a note, not just leave a comment. You may learn more about the deceased. I learned that Coach Reardon served in the United States Army during the Korean conflict years; he was a widow and has a surviving daughter and grandkids.  
2. Make note of the funeral home mailing address. If you do not have or cannot obtain a home address for family, send your note to the funeral home.
3. Jot down memories. This is the heart of your condolence note.
4. Consider and share life-shaping moments. How has the coach impacted your values, your life direction, your problem-solving or people skills?
5. Acknowledge that the loss of this special person must be painful.
6. Is there a way you can (or do) "pay it forward"?

Thank you for caring!

Final Conversations: Helping the dying transition from this world

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Although entering hospice is a time focused on urgent and immediate needs like symptom management, once the stresses associated with admission abate, more person-centric conversations can take place. They are always meaningful.

The Condolence Coach encourages you to be open to opportunities for these final conversations:

• Speak with the dying person.
• If you have a friend with a dying family member, you can plant the same seeds of reflection, by "wondering out loud":
• "Do you think your mother has any last wishes?"
• "I'd like to tell her how much I appreciated being invited to stay for supper when we'd play after school."
• "Would you like us to sing the old Christmas carol duet to her?"

Talking about life accomplishments is an important source of validation and peace.

Arbor Hospice social worker Rebecca Faszcza, MSW, explained:

“I try to encourage discussion about the patient’s life satisfactions and achievements. Establishing a rapport can begin as simply as asking, ‘Tell me about yourself, have you always lived in this area? What did you do for a living? (and if age appropriate) What have you enjoyed in your retirement?’

It is so rewarding when I can facilitate contented reflections for the patient, and deepen the admiration and understanding of their family. Recently, a patient opened up with fond boyhood memories of his parents. He gratefully remarked, ‘It’s so good to remember those times.’ His family delighted in stories of their heritage, saying, ‘Wow- you never told us that!’”

No matter how old we are, acknowledgement feeds our spirit. 

Say it while you can.

• “You started out with a saw and a hammer, and now the construction company has 80 employees!”
• “We’re so proud that you were a ‘Rosie Riveter’ during the war years.”
• “You raised us by yourself and never complained.”

Talking about things left undone may reveal something important.

Some things--like projects or paperwork, can be satisfied by a work session with note taking, sketching a diagram, bringing documents to a bedside and listening attentively!

• “I never got around to finishing that wiring in the attic.”

• “I hid some savings bonds in the bottom of my sewing basket.”
• “I never told you this, but …”

Talking about hopes for special experiences can be part of the end of life journey, too.

Have you asked any of your loved ones if they have a bucket list? A bucket list states actions and experiences sought before death. It may be committed to memory or paper, composed thoughtfully or on a whim. Social worker, Rebecca, likes to help patients honestly face life’s loose threads...and sometimes, there’s a way to weave them to completion.

“If they express a dream to do something that is now out of reach, I might say ‘there’s no fix for that,’ but encourage them to talk more about it, learn about it with movies, pictures, the internet. What’s most beneficial is getting it off your chest by talking about it. Patients really relax and even enjoy the ‘armchair traveler’ experience.”

• “I thought about riding a motorcycle cross country.”

• “I always wanted to touch an elephant.”
• “I wanted to take a hot air balloon ride.”

These conversations should be light, prompt laughter and imaginative musing. Pull out your computer and show your loved one some YouTube videos of those bucket list adventures.

Adults have dreams, too. 

While children in hospice are often treated to wonderful experiences through Make-A-Wish interventions, Rebecca understands that adults may have a longing for a final visit with someone.

“Many times, a terminally ill patient just wants to see out-of-state family. If physical circumstances allow it, we encourage them-with family help--to make the trip. I will coordinate with a hospice at their destination, to ensure they have support in case of an emergency. And when he or she returns will photos and lots of good memories, they are in a peaceful place.”

If a longing to see distant relatives cannot be physically managed, consider setting up video chat sessions with Skype (for Windows or Android) or FaceTime (for Mac or iPhone).

Tweak the timeline of a special occasion.

Arbor Hospice Lead Spiritual Care Coordinator, Chaplain Diane Smith, has frequently officiated at bedside wedding ceremonies. Though unofficial, the ritual enables a beloved family member to witness a milestone moment. “I support their hopes and ideas. Family cooperation is great: one bride bought a special dress, a violin was played, and mom brought and served cake.”

Is there a final conversation you can have with someone, today?


Remember that sending a note to a terminally ill person is also an option. The Condolence Coach addresses what to say in this post.

Thank you for caring!

Creative Condolence: Make a Card in 4 Steps

After my I Survey the Racks post about good retail sources for sympathy cards, a reader remarked, "You left out one card source:  make it yourself." And he was right!

I had made my own card this winter, after a neighbor's sudden death.

[Source]

Margaret's patio was home to a couple of fragrant rose bushes. Their vibrant color called out to passersby and if 'Peggy' happened to be out, the magnetic pull soon had every chair occupied.

After her simple funeral on a gray February day, I thought of those roses. The bushes had been gifts from children and whispered, "I love you, Mom," every time she saw them. They stood on sunny corners and received no pampering.

Farmington Community Library

Peg pampered no one-- those days retired when she hung up her apron after 40 years waitressing--many of which were at the old Botsford Inn.

I thought of the many visits I'd had with this strong, West Virginia born Hungarian. She had a quick, sharp laugh, and could skate from a glowing compliment to an "excuse my French" complaint. Ask her to tell you a story

Don't Rush Your Condolence Note.

The Condolence Coach highly recommends a period of digestion after the hubub of a funeral. My post Don't Rush Your Condolence explained how a little time helps you thresh the harvest of images, stories, eulogies, even service music into a memorable note to the family.

Making a card is a meditative process.

This may take you back to Art 101 because "found" imagery is such an easy way to make expressive collage art. During a college internship, I worked with incarcerated teens on a poetry writing project. I brought in stacks of magazines and the kids created simple but highly expressive posters with photo and text collages. 

Whether you are "going inside" or "letting the inside out," crafting on-the-fly is fun and personally satisfying. I believe it can be more liberating than kit-based crafting but it is up to the individual. In any event, making your own sympathy card is a meditative process to explore your own sense of loss. 

Thinking about those roses and Peg's welcoming patio, I remembered a stack of postcards I'd won in a raffle. They seemed to be a study of doors (a metaphorical image I love,) and each entry was bedecked with welcoming touches--especially flowers.

I chose the card with the brightest rose bush, and knew I was on the right track for a tribute to Peggy.

Scissors, colored paper, a glue stick... my card didn't require much. Card craft is a very popular hobby and a visit to a craft store will overwhelm you with methods for embellishment.  If you're adventurous--go for it!

My simple technique was to:

1. trim the postcard image
2. fold the sheet of paper in half
3. trim the paper, with my postcard as a size guide, allowing for a narrow border of paper to show around the image
4. placing the paper "cover" so that it would open at the bottom, I glued the image on the center of the paper.

Remember, it's ultimately about the note.

I suppose you’d have to call this Step 5, because once the card construction was completed, I drafted my note on plain paper. when satisfied, I rewrote my condolence on the inside card panel.  

• I spoke of Peg's welcoming patio
• her rose bushes and what they meant to her
• her quick laugh
• I stated how I will miss those impromptu visits
• I acknowledged her caregiving son's years of vigilance
• and noted how he inspired my family  

Are you inspired to make a card? 

Share this post with a friend--and get together for a card crafting hour! Thanks for caring!

The 5-Step Good Life: Make Condolence Notes a Habit

American psychologist, Martin Seligman, coached that there are 5 components of a "good life." 

Using the acronym, PERMA    [Source]  he theorized that we can  control our sense of well being with the following habits:

Positive emotion — every night before sleep, write down 3 things that went well, and why

Engagement — rather than taking shortcuts, apply your best skills, ("highest strengths") to any task

Relationships — connect with people--the levels of intimacy will vary, but avoid isolation

Meaning — find where you belong, to serve something bigger than your own agenda

Achievement — determination is the key to any endeavor

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The best part of this theory is the discovery about habits. Seligman laughingly gives the example of the pleasure in eating ice cream-- before you know it, it's gone, and another carton soon winds up in your freezer!

Because positive emotions feel so good, their origins can easily become habits. 

The general idea of "habit" can be daunting or delightful.

Your morning coffee enticed you out of a warm bed, but knowing you must "put in your time" on the treadmill elicits a groan.Writing condolence notes will always take some time. They require an investment of heartfelt focus.

These are the sources of positive emotions by regularly writing notes:

• Perhaps you had a conversation with the bereaved during the illness that resulted in death, or at the funeral service. Listening is an act of kindness, a comforting acknowledgement of your friend and their concerns. This connection adds value to the note you will write.
• Your note is like a gift that arrives unexpectedly in the mail. Its recipient can sit down for a few minutes to read, and feel bathed in a aura of caring. 
• More times than I can count, I am eventually told how much my note was appreciated. People use expressions like, "I'll keep it forever," "I've read it so many times," "I showed it to my mother." 

THE COACH DISCUSSES THIS THEME IN THESE POSTS:

Why Is Sympathy Sweet?

Ithaca College President Reaches Out

You Can't Erase Death's Shadow, Sorrow

Why I Write Condolence Notes

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Please Don't Ask Me How My Son Died

2014 National Military Survivor Seminar

Readers may remember my introduction to 

TAPS.org

I explained the compassionate condolence policy enacted by President Barack Obama in 2011. In POTUS Does It And So Should You we explored the importance of reversing a long standing Department of Defense dictum of not sending condolence to families if their deployed soldier committed suicide. 

But the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors is dedicated to caring for the families of fallen heroes who died under any circumstance:

"They all thought their loved one would return home from a military assignment. Instead, their worst nightmare came true... We welcome into TAPS anyone who is grieving the death of someone who died in the military - so our families have experienced loss in a variety of ways - from combat, suicide, terrorism, homicide, negligence, accidents, and illness. Our survivors include mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, fiances and other relatives of those who have died." TAPS.org

This remarkable poem was first published on the TAPS Blog, on August 6, 2014.  Written by Karen Mojecki, mother and survivor of a beloved son serving in the United States Army, it raises awareness like nothing the Condolence Coach could write.

Please Don't Ask Me How My Son Died

Please don't ask me how my son died

His mode of death is not germane

He died while serving and defending….

Our way of life and liberty

He was upholding Army values

Of honor…commitment…integrity…

Your question rewinds my journey

To the "knock" on my front door

Two officers wearing uniforms

Were waiting on our porch

Their message was not wanted

They spoke those dreaded words

This son I had once sheltered…

I was not able to protect...

It hurts for me to think about

His pain, his wounds, his death

The grief begins again anew,

When someone asks me how he died

I do not want to name the projectile

That was the cause of his demise

Or how the medics tried to save him

Before he breathed his last -- and died

Perhaps others can recount those facts

I find them too horrid to describe

So please don't ask me how he died….

And replay that moment once again

Understand this painful journey

With compassion in your heart

Those final minutes were just a fraction

Of a unique and greater life

If you want to know about my son

His traits, his values, his loves

Then listen as I remember

And help me to celebrate

The life of this exceptional man

And exactly how he lived!

+++

2014 Good Grief Camp for young survivors

Karen's request that we "not ask" about death circumstances is excellent advice. Being supportive is simple: just be present to the bereaved. If you are around when a thought or story or tears flow, just be there. Truly, that is enough. 

I know a military mom who lost her son, and whenever I've been in her company, she talks with pride about all the people his life crossed paths with, and how much he was loved. She has had those "circumstance" conversations--with the military, with the medical examiner, with her surviving children. That's enough for her lifetime, don't you think?

This is strong validation for the use of good memories and pleasant stories in our condolence notes. 

Refresh your thoughts on these condolence writing topics:

POTUS Does It and So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

Keys to Comfort Explained  (sharing a memory )

Replacing Painful Memories With Good

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