Condolence By Email: Caring Words Don't Need Postage

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It's time for me to update a position I wrote about over a decade ago. In writing To Hold A Card In Your Hand, I referenced etiquette expert Miss Manners (Judith Martin) and the courtesies and comforts of condolence notes received through the mail. The qualities I was most enthusiastic about had to do with being able to share the card, re-read the card, and to hold a card. And while there is certainly no reason to argue against those benefits, let's look at some realities.

Connections

Today, we know a lot of people through affiliations of activities, employment, volunteering, social media, chance-but-meaningful encounters and numerous other connections. BUT WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR MAILING ADDRESSES. In fact, in so many affiliations it would seem intrusive to even ask for a mailing address. I have encountered that 'awkward moment' in asking, and better realized that someone felt my request was crossing a line---too personal. So let's respect that, and move on.

There is a very good chance that your affiliation does include an email address. Never use email addresses for solicitation unless it is clearly a networking affiliation such as LinkedIn, Meetup, Facebook or another social media forum with the key purpose of information exchange.

Sharing

Condolence by email does allow sharing and re-reading. I have done both with emailed condolences and appreciate the quick access to archived email. Most importantly, the caring gesture, the sympathy and compassionate outreach is appreciated by someone facing a loss. 

Will there be a later cup of coffee and more sharing? You could mention it if both of you are local. But it is okay to maintain the electronic line and even elevate the 'meeting of hearts and minds', over the meeting of eyes over lattes.

Caring

With this established, what does your e-condolence say? 

• Who are you writing to? Are you writing to a relative, a coworker, a client? Are you the manager or owner of a company with a grieving employee? Need a cross-section of situational sensitivity? 

• E-cards: It's not necessary, but if you subscribe to an e-card app this is a good start. There are themes for sympathy and you can select the right imagery and vibe. Most cards are animated and have a soundtrack, so exercise the patience to preview the card to determine if it is suited to the recipient and the nature of the loss.

• Your words: There is only one mission to a condolence:  COMFORT. Never express a personal

  

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  agenda or judgment in condolence! I have actually been told or overhead these ill-suited comments: "Now that your cat is gone you can babysit my cat when I travel." "Being single has its benefits." "You can take your mind off it with the new project." "You still have the other kids." "Well, she was very old." "My memorial donation to ____ is eligible for the extra charitable deduction." Readers, you get my point!

• Sorry. Gratitude. Good Memories. Admiration. Connect with your heart before you start typing, and certainly before you hit SEND. This note does not have to be particularly lengthy, just focus on caring. Re-read your sympathy expression: does it warm your heart? If so, you have written a lovely e-condolence. 

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Put Your Heart In Everything You Do

Author's Prickly Pear

My spirit has a radar for hearts; I see hearts in many, many places. I've been scoffed at as silly, excitedly stopping on a trail to absorb its message or take a photo, but I know. The heart is powerful. It is meant to be seen, shared, experienced. Are you experiencing your heart, fully?

Fully in my Why and my Now

Scottish theologian, William Barclay noted: 

"There are two great days in a person's life-- the day we are born and the day we discover why."

For me, volunteering is my 'why' and a significant portal to heart experiences. Now retired, I bring whatever experience I can to whatever setting I choose to serve. Speaking with a friend about some of my volunteering, she surprised me, remarking, 'it sounds like you're overqualified.' To me, that term belongs in the employment arena, not while seeking a volunteer niche. Truthfully, I want to pour out my whole self--skills, awareness, and heart-- into everything I do. There is no limit, no measuring out and holding some in reserve. All I have is now, perhaps this complete 24 hour day, but most assuredly, this now-time. 

"'Now' is the closest approximation in time to the experience of eternity." - Alan Cohen

Do you remember that expression, "live like there's no tomorrow"? That's the secret to peace. It's the secret before last breaths are drawn and it opens an indescribably wonderful 'place.' So, every breath of now can open up to that place, if you give your all, your heart. 

Heart rocks, Tohono O'odham basket
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Today, with the exception of vegetative hearts like the prickly pear, I saw the largest heart rock, ever, at least 8 inches tall. At my excitement, my hiking partner remarked, "well, you have a big heart."

Growing Awareness and Grief Awareness

Growing in awareness is like nurturing a super power but it's not as complex as the plot of Marvel Comics' X-Men movie, where futuristic mutations give some humans extraordinary skills! Similar to the Coach's posts about the power of intuition, you must patiently access and practice:

1. presence
2. listening  
3. sensitivity 

You must also avoid judgement and giving advice! The super power of awareness allows you to support a grieving person, simply. Click on the skills links above and you will understand how what a grieving person most needs is understanding. Yes, Western culture has hammered away about productivity, and 'making yourself useful' but your super power as grief aware will be boundless when you works on these steps. Your heart will pour out like a balm with surprising results. As for those 'results', please don't seek them like feel-good candy. Trust that there are occurring because that is the nature of all heart investment!

Thank you for caring!

Was It a Peaceful Death? Opening the Door to Healing Conversation

The everywhere-ness of life

Source: Image © Michael Jastremski / 2014-04-28

Not long ago, a friend known for her goodhearted nature confided to me that a member of her church had lost a family member; it was announced to the congregation during the routine list of meetings, fundraisers, and children's activities. "Later that week, I saw her in the grocery store, and felt tongue-tied to say anything. I didn't want to upset her." This hesitancy is very common, I explained to my friend. But I assured her that a brief acknowledgement like "I was sorry to hear the news of your dad's death," has great value. I also explained that feelings of grief reside with the grieving: caring remarks do not cause grief.

When I learn of a death during a conversation 

Feather in bush
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I like to ask questions that immediately inform the family member that I am not afraid to talk about death. I want them to lower the social barrier they've learned to quickly erect; to understand that I care about their experience with this crucial moment of our humanity.

Before you ask a question

You too, can reverence this deeply moving experience by offering cues of invitation. But first, be aware of the situational moment! Are you or the bereaved in a hurry or obviously on the way somewhere? Have you met during a social occasion that dictates a light or celebratory mood? How much privacy do you have? Most importantly, tune into the person who had the loss. Something has prompted her to share 'my husband died in December;" so your compassionate interest certainly begins with "I'm so sorry. How are you [and your family] doing?" 

As you tune into responses and weigh the situational moment, you will know whether to quickly conclude with a hand on a shoulder, a hug, a suggestion to soon meet for coffee or a walk. If you are fortunate to sense the right blend of privacy and interest, you may begin asking gentle questions.

Begin with one question 

The Condolence Coach is not handing out free passes for nosiness. You do not have the right to pry, request medical details, financial arrangements, or confessions of grief's darkest moments. If you do not know the decedent's name, do ask, and as questions are used, include the person's name!

If the death occurred due to tragic or criminal circumstances

Compassionate interest begins by giving the bereaved a moment of control. Your one question should be: "Do you want to tell me about [it] [name]?" 

If the death was of natural causes such as advanced age, disease

Compassionate interest begins by acknowledging mortality. Your one question may be: "Was it a peaceful death?"

I follow up by asking, "Did you use hospice?"  Thankfully, end of life support has become the norm, with hospice providers routinely referred. Hospice is a specialized type of care that may address the patient's physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs; often, many support services extend to family caregivers. It can be comforting for a grieving person to speak about good end of life care because it acknowledges that something went right: one of the many caregiving and health advocacy decisions felt like TLC-- tender, loving, care.

If there was a hospice used, here are a couple followup questions:

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• What did you think of the hospice? 
• Which services or staff did you find most helpful?

Remember that compassionate interest and opening the door to healing conversation should not feel like an interview. At all times, allow the bereaved person to be in control. Be sensitive to cues of facial expressions, body language. Keep it relaxed and simple. The conversation will come to a natural conclusion like water filters into the ground at the end of a creekbed.

Be thankful

As the conversation ends, express gratitude for the trust and sharing you've been given. "Thank you for sharing this with me" is sufficient. Consider a warm handshake or pat on the shoulder--certainly a hug, if appropriate.

Learn more! Click on the topic links throughout this post to read other relevant Condolence Coach posts!

Thank you for caring!

Gifts for Someone Grieving: Priceless Privacy and Peace

When I read the tweet from my blogging colleague, Kelly, about her 2016 list of gift ideas for a Highly Sensitive Person, my first reaction was to imagine the themes of comfort they would offer. And isn't comfort exactly what we try to offer to a grieving person? I retweeted that tweet to followers of @condolencecoach and they were pleased.

It is the month of Christmas and Hanukkah:  where do you stand with your gifting ideas? Specifically, are you struggling over the paradox of feeling festive but caring, during a friend's grief journey? I wrote about this in my post, Condolence During Holidays. My key message was/is:  Condolence is condolence. Don't try to squeeze condolence and holiday cheer onto one postage stamp. Likewise, don't imagine a grieving person is taking a "timeout" from pain.

Caring sympathy is not about distraction.

Your sensitivity to another person's journey of sadness should be active during gift selection. In happier times, you easily chose the latest and greatest gadget or device, the funniest toy or video, the loveliest jewelry or garment. Now, sensitivity dictates that you acknowledge this person and family's slurry of emotions, the barrage of tasks and uncertainties they are struggling through. Yes, it's complicated. It's called compassion.

Caring gifts deliver c-a-r-e! 

And so I refer my readers to Kelly's 2016-17 Gift Guide for Highly Sensitive People & Introverts. She introduces the Guide as:

"presents for people who are overwhelmed by social and environment stimuli, are empathic, sensitive to beauty, and cherish privacy and peacefulness." 

Early in grief (and the definition of time is up to the individual!) this description may easily fit someone facing the death of a significant person.

Kelly's blog has rich and varied content about what it means to be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). In her introduction to the phrase, "Highly Sensitive Person," we learn of a unique trait for sensitivity. I propose that there are also times of life when sensitivity spikes...grief is an excellent example. So why not use this tremendous insight in the art of condolence and sympathetic companionship?

Please click on this link to explore a remarkable collection of gift ideas. The 2016/17 Gift Guide for Highly Sensitive People includes book selections for kids and teens.

Thank you, Kelly! And thank you, readers, for caring! 

Update to readers: The Condolence Coach no longer uses social media such as twitter, X, Instagram, etc.

Ask the Rabbi: is the Holocaust beyond condolence?

When I was an innocent child of 15, a public school teacher suggested I read the memoir, Night by Elie Wiesel. 

He did so because I was curious about his Judaism. Reading about 15 year old Elie's loss of innocence in the Auschwitz-Birkenau complex tore the curtain off my own daydreaming girlhood.

Buckenwald concentration camp, 1945. Weisel lays in 2nd row, 7th from left. 
Photo taken (c) by Private H. Miller. (Army) - U.S. Defence Visual Information Center

Finishing the brutal narrative, I passed it on to my mother. She was glad to read it but expressed sorrow that I had. I went on to read many more survivor accounts.

Then last month, breakfasting with friends, I asked Meyer if he had any family still in Poland. "They are all gone," was his reply. It was not a happy tale of emigration; it was the Holocaust. I slumped and sighed. And later wondered:  what is the appropriate condolence response here? Should I write a note?

"It is a complicated situation."

[Source]

The first words of advice offered by Rabbi Aaron L. Starr, Director of Education and Youth at Congregation Shaarey Zedek, did not surprise me. But with remarkable insight, Rabbi Starr unraveled the sensitive topic.

"Your response may depend on the intimacy of the relationship between your acquaintance and their relative(s) who perished in the Holocaust. If they never knew the decedent, they probably have an intellectual response--rather than emotional. This would be similar to a family with relatives who died in the Civil War, or had a relative who was murdered; the mindset would be 'this is a piece of family history.'"

"In life, tragedies and joys mark our souls."

Rabbi Starr counseled that it is always wise to approach the incidence of a death with sensitivity and awareness. "We cannot judge others."  How survivors feel about a death--whether it occurred decades or days ago, is their personal business.

The phrase, "NEVER FORGET" often accompanies Holocaust exhibits, memorials and memoirs. Should that impassion our sympathy with humanitarian zeal? Should I consider a time-honored memorial tradition like planting a tree in Israel?

Photo by Ted Percival

"They may not be in mourning, and such a gesture would be unnecessary," replied Rabbi Starr. "Unlike someone losing a family member on 911 who, even after fourteen years, may very well still be grieving. This is why sensitivity and awareness should be your guide."

The Rabbi continued,"'Never Forget' is part of our Jewish ethos," Stories and memories are certainly a powerful means to 'never forget.' "You could ask the person you are speaking with: 'would you be willing to tell me more?'  That type of question gives them an out. Respect the yes or the no.  

The Condolence Coach feels that a simple note will be a caring gesture. Simple but sincere elements will:

• express respect
• extend a 'quiet' sympathy at this piece of their family history
• ask the question, 'would you tell me more about these family members, sometime?'

Thank you for caring!

Living with a Disability, Part 1: Debunking Stereotypes

Patricia Lay-Dorsey 

As photographer Patricia Lay-Dorsey neared the close of her Detroit exhibit, Falling Into Place: Self Portraits, she used her gallery platform to host a public forum about living with a disability. Some disabilities are lifelong, some are due to trauma, some take over gradually and, some are invisible.

This post is the first in a series that will explore attitudes and assumptions about disability.
1. People 'on the outside' (having no disability or no visible disability) make a lot of assumptions about disabilities.
2. But people have a disability in the context of  living real lives.


Why does the Condolence Coach care about this topic?  The loss of health precipitates significant changes in life. Even persons with disabilities from birth, can experience distress with grief-like emotions. It is stressful to live in a world designed for the 'able', a world that champions strength-speed-beauty. Gaining awareness is always enriching. Instead of not talking about the elephant-in-the-room, we can learn to compassionately co-exist--and support another aspect of human diversity.

The forum organized by Lay-Dorsey was eye opening, and I have had marvelous conversations with many participants. Some things they share will surprise you!

"Disability from the Inside: Conversations with Disabled Metro Detroiters." 

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Filmmakers generally depict people with disabilities as heroic or tragic.

Forum moderator Patricia Lay-Dorsey, described and debunked these stereotypes:

1. Movies often characterize us as heroic, inspiring, brave.

"I am doing the best I can with what I've got." 

1. Drama sells: we are scripted into the tragedy of no longer having a life.

"I did have a lot of emotional baggage to make my way through. Yes, there was a sense of loss, a process that repeated itself as new issues came up, but you deal with them. The culture can be off-putting, but I live a very full life."

Patricia Lay-Dorsey has excelled as a visual artist and instructor for nearly four decades, but only turned her creative focus to photography in 2006. The transition of art medium coincided with dexterity challenges arising from her primary progressive multiple sclerosis. 

[Source: J.P. Pacquing]

Before her 1988 diagnosis, Patricia's varied pursuits included running marathons! When she began to use a blinged-out (decorated) walker, she thought: "I can handle this; the worst possible thing would be to end up in a wheelchair."

In time, the walker failed to provide needed security and in 2000, Patricia began using a scooter. Surprise: "The scooter was freedom--this is my best friend!" (Now we know why one of the biggest electric scooter brands chose the name 'Amigo,' Spanish for 'friend.')

Her boldest project began with the idea of depicting her day to day life. "No drama, just the reality."  And though it was her routine, Patricia noted, "It was very emotional; I would cringe at some of the pictures. I didn't realize I had shame about certain aspects of my disability."  Referring to one of the project photographs that captured her in an unstaged sprawl on pavement, "I don't like to be seen when I fall. I had to get past that in this project."

MEET:

Alesandro speaks next at the event, reminding us why accessibility is so important. Addressing Patricia's question about which of her portraits resonated with him, he shared, "The picture of you opening a container with your mouth-- I do that," he shared.

[Source]

Like Patricia, Alexandro has MS. "From my scooter, I'm not usually in view of mirrors, so I don't often see myself. I have a computer app that makes the screen a mirror. On a good day, I'm proud of who I am. On a bad day, I'm regretful."

Views 'from the outside' of disability

Alesandro's family is with him at the forum.
His wife observes, "part of my identity is in caring for Alesandro; in some ways I wish I could do more. I have a demanding job, though, the other part of my identity, and I realize I am doing the best I can."
His father concurs with the feeling of "being on the outside looking in." 
His mother admits "I was pulled into this; I'm not always willing and able." Janice writes and speaks on the topic of Interdependence. It has been a profound influence on her journey with Alesandro. "Learning to ask for help is the basis of interdependence."  She suggests that we are fooling ourselves if we think we are lone rangers in life.

The Condolence Coach observes that one of those "different ways" is often a slower execution of tasks. Is my habit of haste (excused as competence or efficiency) intruding on an opportunity for mindfulness? I take a life cue from the next speaker...

MEET:
Jody has pulled her chair up near the front row of chairs. She is striking: her pale complexion a contrast to her thick, dark, chin-length hair. Jody takes a brief turn when offered the microphone. "I've had MS for 41 years. If I did a self-portrait project I would title it:  SLOWING MY PACE."

[Source]

What should you do and say if someone you know is or becomes disabled?

Patricia Lay-Dorsey shared from her experience:

Helpful:

"In the early days when I was simply grappling with an unknown future and a disconcerting present, the most helpful companioning I could have at that time was simply letting me share what I was ready to share and not pushing me beyond that. I mainly wanted my friends and family to recognize the enormity of this new reality I was facing. And I wanted to know that they cared."

Hurtful:

"I did not want someone saying to me, 'So how does it feel to know that you might end up in a wheelchair?' Nor did I want someone ignoring the reality of what I was dealing with." 

Helpful:

"Being disabled is not my total identity but it certainly is a part of it. I like that fact to be recognized without pity or weirdness."

Hurtful:

"The primary form of weirdness I encounter is people who say to me how brave I am to get on with my life. Especially strangers. If I were to give advice, it would be not to talk to strangers about their disability unless they bring it up themselves."

Helpful:

"You can certainly offer help if it looks like they need it. And the best way to do that is simply to say, 'May I give you a hand with the door?' or something else relevant to the function."

Hurtful:

"And do not ask strangers why they are using an assistive device. To be honest, it is none of your business unless you need the information to buy such a device for yourself or others. In that case I would be happy to give any information that can be helpful."

Helpful:

"Simply try to be as respectful to me--and how I get around in the world--as you would want people to be to you."

Don't miss the other posts in this series on Living with a Disability including:
Living with a Disability, Part 2: Getting By or Growing Great!
Living with a Disability, Part 3: Enjoy Your Journey

Thank you for caring!

Doctors & Medical Practitioners: Charting Final Thoughts With Condolence

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At the funeral home, it is common to receive floral arrangements from businesses. Occasionally, flowers arrive from doctors and medical practices. 

While flowers are thoughtful and appreciated courtesies, can more be expressed to the family of your deceased patients?

Yes, condolences take time--a commodity usually in short supply for medical professionals. But let us assume that you do not regard your patients as "cases." If you have shepherded someone to the passageway called 'death'...

 your charting is incomplete without sympathy.

I asked Michigan internist, Eric J. Lerman, about his practice of condolence to the family of a patient who has died:  

"Sometimes I call, sometimes I write. The content varies depending on the circumstances."

The Condolence Coach frequently mentions being SENSITIVE to survivors. When family members companion a loved one during his or her final weeks, days, and hours, the experience is draining; self-doubt is common.  Dr. Lerman suggests that sensitivity is diagnostic. He applies the Key Comfort "balm" of recognizing and affirming the family:

"Often, I acknowledge the heroic efforts of caregivers and the deceased, in the end of life process/struggles."   

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Grief may be like walking in unfamiliar woods. Without a horizon or direct sky view, discerning direction is hard. The traveler longs for guidance.

"When speaking or writing to surviving spouses, I try to prepare them for the grieving process, letting them know that it will not be easy but that it will get better." 

Dr. Lerman prescribes that they "reach out to friends and family for support during the grieving process. I  suggest that their loved one would want them to try to carry on with life."
He may include gentle encouragement: "to try to shift gears from care taking for someone else to trying to take care of themselves."

At the funeral home, I often witness the dazed expression of former caregivers. 

Death has 'stomped on the brake pedal' and they feel a huge void. 

The mission of AfterGiving.com addresses that void, and provides a forum for conversation and support. In one interactive tool called Six Word Stories, the topic of starting over is described:

"You’re beginning again, too, in your life, after caregiving ends. These kind of starts can feel so awful because you feel like you yourself must start over. You must find a new way to fill your day, a new way to relate to others, a new way to spend your time."

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Caring, encouragement and sometimes, gentle guidance, are deeply meaningful elements of condolence notes. Taking the time to express them, matters.

To read other posts discussing leadership, professionals and condolence, please see these posts:
Sending Condolence to Clients and Customers
Ithaca College President Reaches Out With Condolence
POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

Share this story, and thank you for caring!

Is or Was? 24 hours ago or 24 hours later: A Tense Moment

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"What was his favorite color?" I asked the young man, as we stood in the display room of caskets.

"Was?" he replied in surprise?

It was an awkward moment. His father had died 24 hours ago, and choosing the color of a casket lining was like a dream he yearned to wake up from.

Since then, I have tried to use the present tense when speaking of a life only recently concluded. I strive to recognize that some aspects of a relationship are timeless, though a physical connection has ended.

Michele Neff Hernandez, widowed at a young age, wrote in her bi-monthly column 'Healing Through Loss':

"What I have learned is that his memory is held not only in the physical evidence of his existence, but in the indelible mark he left on my soul. No amount of time, space, or familiarity will rub that mark off."

In fact, you may remember the advice given by Phyllis in a recent post about the deaths of her children:  "I haven't cut my children out of my life story, so please don't. If you're chatting in the office about parenting, include me-- I'm a Mom, too. Let me know that you remember my daughter and son."

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If you are rolling your eyes and thinking this is getting too complicated, keep reading.

Sensitivity to a person's grief requires that we let them lead the way. A simple way to do that is by listening. 

Emily Clark, a writer for Hello Grief, also suggests a support technique called reaffirming what is said. This is an excellent skill for anyone wanting to improve sensitivity and conversational comprehension:  YOU'VE GOT TO PAY ATTENTION!  Put simply, when you are told, "I don't know what to do since Steve died, " your response can be "You feel overwhelmed by Steve's death."  

 "Don’t feel pressured to speak or come up with something eloquent.  The griever isn’t talking to you with an expectation that you are there to solve their problems or suddenly give them insight into their grief that they hadn’t considered before."  -Emily Clark

The Condolence Coach concurs, with a standard principle for note writers:  Though you can comfort, remember that you are powerless over grief. In a condolence note, you can offer to be a good listener without "hitting someone over the head with the offer."

Dear Maryanne, 

You are not alone in coping with the sadness of your sister, Ginny's death. I feel helpless to offer you much consolation, except to say how much I cherish the memories I have. 

I wish I'd been able to get down to her home in Florida. Ginny didn't seem to mind the miles between us; she hadn't adopted email, but typed letters with her signature sign-off, “I’ll close now with all of our love and kisses to you." 

Any time you want to talk, call me, and we'll sit with a pot of tea. Would you show me your photo albums? There are more wonderful stories to be told.

Thank you for caring!

Creative Condolence: Poems, Part 2

If you start looking for them, you will find that there are many poems about:

[Source]

• nearing the end of life
• the end of life
• what may be after life
• the "Afterlife"

At the funeral home, I prepare a number of keepsake items including memorial folders, and they all feature prayers, psalms, or poems. Reading them, reminds me that beliefs about death are very personal, guided by:

• life experience
• books
• movies
• gurus
• prophets
• faith-based doctrine

Will a poem that comforts and inspires you, be the right one for someone else? Let's look at an example which was submitted by one of my readers:

All Is Well - Henry Scott Holland

Death is nothing at all,

I have only slipped away into the next room,

I am I, and you are you,

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still,

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the same easy way which you always did,

Put no difference into your tone;

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity,

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am just waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland was a religious professor at England's Oxford University, when he delivered a sermon in St. Paul's Cathedral following the death of King Edward VII, in 1910. What we know as the poem, All Is Well, was derived from that sermon.

The reader who submitted this poem shared that she is leaving final instructions that the poem be used on her memorial folder.

I applaud her advanced planning because this poem expresses her farewell.

I am not certain, however, that the "voice of the dead" method is well timed for a condolence note. Yes, it encourages us to not forget, to use the loved one's name, and to make our way back to a life of laughter and play. But...

{Source]

The Coach says:  do not give advice; do not cajole the grieving to 'move on;' do not share your belief system's answer on what happens after death.

If you have written a poem or essay which expresses your regard and sense of loss at the death (and does not preach,) you may have a gem to offer in your condolence note.  

Share this post with a friend and SUBSCRIBE so you won't miss the next!
Thank you for caring!

Why Is Sympathy Sweet?

My book, Words for when there are No Words, Writing a Memorable Condolence Note opens with this quote:  

"There is nothing sweeter
 than to be sympathized with."

Written by George Santayana (1863-1952), this philospher, essayist, poet, and novelist had a prolific career. Spanish by birth, he was Harvard educated and continued there as faculty, until retiring to Europe. Some of his students become literary giants: T. S. Eliot, Robert Frost, Gertrude Stein, Horace Kallen, Walter Lippmann, and W. E. B. Du Bois.

[Source]

Why is sympathy sweet?

Ask the Coach: What to Write to a Friend with Terminal Illness

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On a flight last month, I introduced myself to seatmates and eventually handed the mother-daughter travelers my condolence tips bookmarks.

“This is great,” the daughter said. Her elderly mother remarked, “I live in a retirement community and we lose residents from time to time. The manager sets up a nice tribute display, and I like to send a card to the family.” But their next question took an interesting turn. 

“We have a couple friends who are terminally ill; I’d like to send a card, but what should I say?”

Let’s explore this:

• terminal illness is ‘the advanced stage of a disease with an unfavorable prognosis and no known cure.’ [source]
• a prognosis of a number of months (or years) is not a scheduled departure date.
• the outward condition (appearance) and functioning of a person with terminal illness will vary and may defy others’ expectations.
• and, until you are dead, you are alive.

Blogger Michelle Devon wrote with firsthand knowledge, in her blog, Dying To Live:

“Learning to live with a disease that is expected to result in your death absolutely does change your perspective. But as my blog title says, I’m not alive and dying. I’m dying to live!”

Michelle has transitioned, but I will always be grateful to her for sharing some riveting thoughts on the tug-of-war between living to stay alive and being the person you want to be.

Every day, in countless scenarios, we have the opportunity to say thank you, I  appreciate you. Remember this: until you are dead, you are alive. Recognize the life, the day-by-day simple moments of the person you write to. Embrace the opportunity to say thank you, to ask for a story, to appreciate a sunrise, a funny pet, a song. Keep that in mind during your daily activities and when you write a note to anyone.   Here are some suggestions about writing to a friend with terminal illness:

Don’t Write

Do Write

>I’m gonna miss you so much! >Get well soon! >Hey, Steve Jobs lived a long time with his pancreatic cancer, so … >Have you thought of: medical advice/legal  or tax advice What are you going to do about your (special needs family member) >Good riddance to that boring job! >Are the kids finally doing some housework?

>CARE: How are you today? >FEEL: I’m so sorry this has happened. >ENCOURAGE: Take care of yourself. >REMEMBER: I am thinking about you. In fact, I was just_____ and I remembered when __. >ROUTINE: Did that last storm send (pet) under the bed? >LISTEN: I would love to share a cup of tea sometime soon; I’m a good listener. By the way, my email is _____ >ADMIRE: I admire your courage and always have you in my prayers >AFFECTION: Give my love & hugs to __.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

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