Let's discuss bereavement time. I know so many people who's paid (or unpaid but sanctioned) time off work comes from a benefit known as PTO-- Personal Time Off, but back in the day, time off for a death was called bereavement leave. It usually maxxed out at three days. That would be enough for travel to-and-from a funeral destination with a buffer to improve on the puffy or dark-circled eyes and rehearse what might pass as an "I'm okay" facade. Do you have rights? Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. crafted The Mourner's Bill of Rights to advocate gentleness toward grieving people. It is beautifully caring and encourages a mindfulness through grief...but it is far from a corporate manual.
Are you really back to work just because your body showed up?
A February, 2022 Wall Street Journal article by Work & Life columnist Rachel Feintzeig, Workers Get More Time to Grieve Losses caught my attention. One interviewee stated that her work performance during grief felt "like 10% capacity." I know someone who felt such perpetual brain fog after the death of her mother, she wanted to resign.
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The woman I'll call the 10 percenter, eventually rose to an influential executive level and instituted
'unlimited paid bereavement leave.' This radical and risky policy is steeped in heart but can it float in a demanding work environment? I know what it's like to feel you have to show up, no matter what. And let's just go ahead and include our pets' deaths in the category of Excruciating Loss...but don't expect paid leave for anyone other than immediate family.
In my funeral home days, staff handed out funeral passes to requesting guests. Noting the basics of decedent, relationship, and date of service(s), I would pen my authorized signature and zip it off the pre-printed pad. Fast forward to the guest's first day back at work as she/he turns in the pass to their supervisor or HR. I get it: the system can and will be abused. I also get that the generosity of benefits may be linked to corporate size or paygrade.
I was struck by Feintzeig's keen observation that "bereavement, burnout and child-care issues were once considered private matters to be dealt with largely on one's own." Grieving doesn't watch the clock and switch off from 8 to 5. At work, it is a naked, clinging-to-calm-by-the-fingernails kind of experience. You can feel fragile or so numbed and shut down that, while craving human warmth, social anxiety overwhelms. The risk of being seen as weak or incompetent is so powerful, and the effort to appear normal is so exhausting,you rush back to the caccoon of home to collapse.
The U.S. Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 supports unpaid leave for qualifying birth and health events of employees in certain size workplaces. The Covid era with its huge mortality has torn the veil on assumptions about grief. Covid era grief has also been complicated by social distancing, restrictions on gatherings, and facility closures. I made my late husband's cremation arrangements through my car window in a blustery parking lot; his ashes were handed to me in the same manner.
What should you do when you need bereavement leave?
Ask for a clear understanding of company policies. Can you refer to an Employee Handbook? The funeral you wish to attend may not be for an approved loss (ie. a relationship beyond family of origin or spouse;) can you use PTO, or is there an employee bank of PTO for emergency situations?
Ask your supervisor for ideas of meeting your job goals with less stress: can you work remotely?
The inside job
Most importantly, assume that the work setting is not your go-to for support. Your appetite may be off but consume a plentiful diet of self care:
- Spend time with trusted friends willing to listen, hug, and offer words of comfort
- Schedule professional grief counseling--often available virtually
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Get out of doors into fresh air-- your garden or a natural setting
- Enjoy time with your (or a friend's) pet
- Prioritize your mindfulness practices: yoga, journaling, meditation
- Read a good book about grief (ideally specific to your type of loss,) and
- Explore any other spiritual or faith traditions that help you feel peaceful.
Thank you for caring and sharing!
