Stuck On You: After Death, Is it Devotion or Baggage?

The Growing Through Grief series

I am always seeing metaphors. 

When a mammoth pine topples in the forest, it retains its anchoring grip on elements of the environment. Rocks and soil pack the lattice of roots that now face skyward. It will take decades and decades of weather and rot before a letting-go.

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How long should grief take?

The Condolence Coach has skewered some psychological models that want a quick exit to mourning. In What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved I highlighted the heavy burden of expectation placed on a grieving person. It seems to me, in a world that celebrates the "individual," we must acknowledge "different strokes for different folks...even when it is socially awkward.

Wearing your late husband's flannel shirt or pursuing regular paranormally-channelled conversations with your dead child are choices. Unusual comforts in grief should not be judged more severely than the spectrum of comforts we each choose just to make it from sunrise to sunset: shopping, tattoos, exercise or extreme sports, alcohol, drugs...

Devotion or baggage?

Devotion delivers comfort but I would suggest that baggage delivers stress. If an ongoing bond with a deceased person engenders feelings of gratitude, warmth or inspiration--human growth and awareness of our interconnectedness are nurtured. 

If an ongoing bond with a deceased person engenders feelings of powerlessness, obsession, guilt, anxiety, or the burden of unfinished business--harm is inflicted and human growth is stymied. This grieving person is stuck.

Helping someone get unstuck

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As you observe how the lanes of positive or negative seem to flow, remember that giving advice is tricky. In fact, the Condolence Coach wants you to avoid giving advice and instead, ask for advice! In essence, you are asking the stuck person to tap into their own inner wisdom.

This nugget from the writers of Highexistence.com point out:

"Once we stop taking guidance from all of those outside sources who tell us what we should do, we are free to explore what we want to do, what we’re meant to do, and what we’re truly capable of."

 An important component of your help is to stay in the present: focusing on the present circumstances and emotions of someone who seems "stuck."

• How are you today? 
• What are you doing to care for yourself, today?
• How did thinking about [person/stuck situation/behavior] make you feel?
• Is there another way to consider that [stuck situation] so it feels better?
• If I was feeling the way you are now, what would you tell me to help me move forward? 

If you're the one who is stuck

Michelle Maros, Creative Director of  Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life, describes 5 Gentle Reminders for When You're Feeling Stuck. She reminds us that this time in life has a purpose, but to find it and move forward requires some reflection:

"Often times when we are feeling stuck, it’s a sign that there’s an action we could be taking (or that our soul is begging us to take), but for some reason we just aren’t. Usually it’s because we are afraid. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel fearful, but it’s important to recognize that this fear is what is bringing you this feeling of “stuckness.” If this resonates with you, ask yourself what small, gentle action you can take to move yourself forward."

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"Small, gentle action" is a beautiful way to proceed. In the grieving process, you--or a person you are helping, could make a once-daily choice from a checklist such as this:

• Sort belongings of the deceased into groups:  donations, legacy gifts to friends and family, discards, returns to lenders or businesses (such as medical supplies), and even a group for shredding-destroying old records or extremely private, confidential material (use caution before an estate is settled--consult an accountant or attorney.)
• Take action on one item or one group described above:  start with an item that will warm your heart or the heart of the recipient.
• Do one experience or action that you "used to" enjoy:  jot a poem your journal; sit down at your piano; walk in a park, museum or gallery; pick wild raspberries; go out for coffee or an ice cream cone; get a massage, facial or manicure.
• Do one experience or action that satisfies a dream:  rent an RV and go somewhere; refresh an area of your home; adopt a shelter dog or cat...or learn how to volunteer at the shelter!

 As Michelle points out, you may, at first, feel that your "efforts aren't working," but she encourages that positive outcomes--even 'magic' are the result of patience and positive action.

Thank you for caring!

"You Didn't Waste Any Time" and other reactions

"You didn't waste any time," was my mother's emailed response. I'd sent a photo while on a run in a beautiful canyon-n-cacti recreation area...a place I'd just begun to call home after a 2,000 mile drive.

My packed SUV included the company of Ava, our Maine Coon mix,
who tested all possible perch surfaces during the drive: crate, center console, driver's lap, and lastly, a crevice beneath the cargo area requiring a complicated extraction at the end of each day.


After 5 days of that, why would I waste any time, once the apartment key was on my ring? I woke before dawn (the light of which starts at the top of the mountains and drops down their sides), assessed the desert chill and ran for the saguaro 'forest', waiting nearby.

An often-used accusation

While my mother's expression was loving, "you didn't waste any time" has been blurted out countless times when a bereaved person makes unexpected choices. My friend, "Trina", had mourned her husband during his terminal illness. While a caregiver observes the body's weakening, the dwindling and cessation of interests and activities, there may be a detachment.

In their 2011 book, The Caregiver's Tao Te Ching, William and Nancy Martin apply the 81 meditations of the Tao to the complicated and often unpredictable journey of giving care. Readers may have seen numerous topics turned into books with an overlay of Tao. The Martins identify these commonalities:

"Caregiving and the Tao...each ask that we show up and have a direct experience of life as it is unfolding in this moment...each seems unpredictable...each contains paradoxes that our desires and opinions cannot resolve..."

Interpreting meditation 66, "Remain Behind," the Martins advises caregivers: "help them but do not control them...the river of the Tao runs through them, stay out of the way and let that river do its work."  In doing so, peace and acceptance arrive like the flutter of a gentle breeze.

Baffling Outsiders

The caregiving experience is profound and life changing, and if that "gentle breeze" is adopted as lifestyle, choices and decisions may indeed baffle outsiders. 

When death finally took Trina's husband, she sent the gathered friends and family home, arranged for "Richard's" cremation, "and I went to bed for a week." She followed that unscripted week by opening the newspaper's community events calendar and "began filling my days."

Should Trina have been cleaning closets and crying in counseling? SHOULD is a problem word, and readers of this blog recently recalled the cruelty of Victorian era proscripts for appropriate mourning. 'Getting back into life' (a catchy jingle for an adult diaper brand) after a loved one's death is a Catch-22. Outsiders grow weary of coddling mourners yet they are also shocked by quick recoveries.

Re-attachment and remarriage

Three years after the fact, Sharlene's voice still carries stress as she describes her father, Edward's adjustment to widowhood: "within six months he was remarried." Edward is very typical. The San Diego Widowhood Project correlated "greater psychological well being" with a new meaningful relationship.

"By 25 months after the spouse's death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance."

This phenomenon relentlessly draws negative conclusions, whether about the competency of the widow or the motives of a new partner. Sharlene's family was so disturbed by the haste of the impending nuptuals, they had the woman (also a widow) investigated. There was no persuading Edward to slow down. Extravagant purchases and lifestyle changes were being made, but Sharlene's family was powerless to intervene. "We had to let it go. We had to restore our relationships with my Dad, for everyone's sake, especially the grandkids."

Powerlessness

Just as you are powerless to change the facts of someone else's grief, you are powerless to coach them to recovery (unless asked!) The Condolence Coach addresses this reality in Chapter 1, Page 1 of Words for when there are No Words: Writing a Memorable Condolence Note. 

It is so important to audit every sentence of condolence writing for "gremlin power plays."

You cannot fix, advise, persuade, condemn, cajole, or shame a grieving person onto the path you believe they should take. Even if you have experienced an identical loss, your expertise is not required. Share it in a support group, offer an opinion if asked, but remember it is only an opinion formed by your own circumstances. IT IS NOT AN ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

Trina reserved a portion of Richard's ashes and has taken them on all of her travels; he has joined the sea and soil of many countries. Readers may be interested to know that the U.S. National Park Service allows, by permit, the scattering of ashes from cremated human remains. There are usually no fees, but the "special use permit" should be obtained from the desired park.
She honored one son's wishes that there be a 'permanent place to visit his father,' by purchasing a double niche in a mausoleum of his hometown, where a custom designed urn is displayed. "It's a little strange to see my name on a plaque," Trina said with a smile because, in the words of Robert Frost, she has "miles to go before I sleep."

Life "unfolded" for Edward and Trina at a unique pace, with outcomes that met their needs. The Condolence Coach encourages readers to gently observe and support the flow of another person's river.

Read other posts about the time it takes to grieve:
The Myths About Grief and Getting Over It
and
Climbing Out of Deep Space: through and beyond grief

Thank you for caring!