Shakespeare Observes and Advises on Life and Loss

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William Shakespeare

English poet, playwright and actor, the "Bard of Avon" was by far one of the most astute observers of humanity. His works, though written six centuries ago (1589-1613) continue to be performed and studied around the world.

Observing Humanity

Daily life is full of surprises--the avenues to observation. The Condolence Coach believes that these moments expose us to great learning opportunities. Poignant, uncomfortable, sometimes tragic, observing humanity is an important tool to write a memorable condolence note.

Shakespeare's penned style is known as poetic free verse; its rhythmic flow of iambic pentameter (ten syllables to a line) masterfully captured wit and wisdom, passion and pathos. Let's explore some Shakespearean verse...

On Compassion: The Tempest

O, I have suffered
With those that I saw suffer.
(The Tempest. Act 1. Scene 2. Miranda speaking.)

Compassion is the ultimate wellspring for our notes. Yes, it requires you to leave the beach and go out to deeper waters. Read more about a compassionate response in  Compassion and Condolence: Finding the words to walk together. 

On Reserving Judgement:  Hamlet, King Lear

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment.
(Hamlet. Act 1. Scene 3. Polonius speaking.)
and
Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest.
(King Lear. Act 1. Scene 4. Fool speaking.)

Everybody has opinions:  that is what greases the wheels of social media! But opinions and advice do not belong in a condolence note...or a conversation with a grieving person. Unfortunately, grieving people are regularly bombarded with these. You may think you are cleverly phrasing a judgement as "helpful" but I guarantee you:  it will likely hurt. Read more about this problem:
Unusual Comforts in Grief: keep your opinions to yourself  and  The Myths About Grief and Getting Over It

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On Sharing Good Memories: The Tempest, Hamlet

He that dies pays all debts.
(The Tempest. Act 3. Scene 2. Stephano speaking.)
and
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
(Hamlet. Act 5. Scene 1. Hamlet speaking.)

Stephano's reference to "paying all debts" advises us to drop the grudges and let go of bad memories. All scores (debts) drop to zero. At best, realize that the end of life takes a person "out of the game" and it is unfair to keep hashing over and bashing on your complaint. Instead, this is the time to step into Hamlet's shoes and gaze at your good memories. Sit with a piece of paper and make note of stellar moments, admirable qualities--big and small, interactions that helped or inspired you. The results are wonderful elements for use in your condolence note.

Keeping It Kind:  Love's Labours Lost

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Let fame, that all hunt after in their lives,
Live register’d upon our brazen tombs
And then grace us in the disgrace of death;
When, spite of cormorant devouring Time,
The endeavor of this present breath may buy
That honour which shall bate his scythe’s keen edge
And make us heirs of all eternity.
(Love’s Labours Lost. Act 1. Scene 1. King Ferdinand speaking.)

While this goes hand in hand with the previous topic, I must highlight its importance:  condolence notes are acts of kindness. Period. Speak well of the dead. Speak well of those who helped their end of life journey. Speak well of those who survive. Read more about kindness in condolence:  No Addiction Required: 12 Step Wisdom for Condolence and The 5-Step Good Life: Making Condolence Notes a Habit

On Loss of a Relationship:  King John

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Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form:
Then have I reason to be fond of grief?
Fare you well: had you such a loss as I,
I could give better comfort than you do...
O Lord! my boy, my Arthur, my fair son!
My life, my joy, my food, my all the world!
My widow-comfort, and my sorrows' cure!
(King John, Act III Constance speaking)

This soliloquy by Constance evokes the terrible pain of losing a child. In fact, she tells us that her son, Arthur, had been her "widow-comfort"-- that after losing a husband, the relationship with her son had alleviated sorrow and loneliness. The Condolence Coach acknowledges that we are powerless to change the circumstances of a loss, but we can comfort with our gift of words:  the memories, the appreciation. We can comfort by listening over a cup of coffee, with an invitation to take a walk or a scenic drive. Constance speaks of losing her son, but the relationship could be spouse, parent, sibling, grandchild. Read more about loss of relationships:
SPOUSE: Joy's Warrior Dragon: Courage Befriends a Widow
GRANDCHILD: When Grandparents Grieve
CHILD:  Missing Children: Sharing Hope While Sharing a Nightmare
SIBLING: Missing In Action! A Soldier's Sister Keeps Vigil

Thank you for caring!

Doctors & Medical Practitioners: Charting Final Thoughts With Condolence

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At the funeral home, it is common to receive floral arrangements from businesses. Occasionally, flowers arrive from doctors and medical practices. 

While flowers are thoughtful and appreciated courtesies, can more be expressed to the family of your deceased patients?

Yes, condolences take time--a commodity usually in short supply for medical professionals. But let us assume that you do not regard your patients as "cases." If you have shepherded someone to the passageway called 'death'...

 your charting is incomplete without sympathy.

I asked Michigan internist, Eric J. Lerman, about his practice of condolence to the family of a patient who has died:  

"Sometimes I call, sometimes I write. The content varies depending on the circumstances."

The Condolence Coach frequently mentions being SENSITIVE to survivors. When family members companion a loved one during his or her final weeks, days, and hours, the experience is draining; self-doubt is common.  Dr. Lerman suggests that sensitivity is diagnostic. He applies the Key Comfort "balm" of recognizing and affirming the family:

"Often, I acknowledge the heroic efforts of caregivers and the deceased, in the end of life process/struggles."   

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Grief may be like walking in unfamiliar woods. Without a horizon or direct sky view, discerning direction is hard. The traveler longs for guidance.

"When speaking or writing to surviving spouses, I try to prepare them for the grieving process, letting them know that it will not be easy but that it will get better." 

Dr. Lerman prescribes that they "reach out to friends and family for support during the grieving process. I  suggest that their loved one would want them to try to carry on with life."
He may include gentle encouragement: "to try to shift gears from care taking for someone else to trying to take care of themselves."

At the funeral home, I often witness the dazed expression of former caregivers. 

Death has 'stomped on the brake pedal' and they feel a huge void. 

The mission of AfterGiving.com addresses that void, and provides a forum for conversation and support. In one interactive tool called Six Word Stories, the topic of starting over is described:

"You’re beginning again, too, in your life, after caregiving ends. These kind of starts can feel so awful because you feel like you yourself must start over. You must find a new way to fill your day, a new way to relate to others, a new way to spend your time."

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Caring, encouragement and sometimes, gentle guidance, are deeply meaningful elements of condolence notes. Taking the time to express them, matters.

To read other posts discussing leadership, professionals and condolence, please see these posts:
Sending Condolence to Clients and Customers
Ithaca College President Reaches Out With Condolence
POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

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Sending Condolence to Clients, Customers, Colleagues

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At the funeral home, it is common to receive floral arrangements from businesses. Occasionally, flowers arrive from doctors and medical practices.

While flowers are thoughtful and appreciated courtesies, can more be expressed to the family of your deceased clients and customers?

Business professionals may wonder...

• He was a great customer but I didn't know much about him.
• We used her catering service frequently, but I don't have his family's address.
• I do her bookkeeping and tax preparation, but I wouldn't want to breach confidentiality.
• We met networking; as a realtor, I'd love to have the listing if his wife wants to sell.
• It was hard to watch him decline, so I'll just leave them in peace.

The Condolence Coach posed these concerns to Dan West, President and CEO of the Livonia Chamber of Commerce. Although Dan is a champion for business, he links their success to active relationships with the community, its schools and the families of all concerned. 

He has attended many services, and observes, "Funerals are a deeply emotional and personal matter for the people involved, and that must be respected."  

While Dan values networking, he advises that condolence notes reflect "a personal relationship you have to the [deceased] person."  You should "sign cards and notes with your name, not that of the company."
He continues, "When writing such a note, keep the message simple and concise. No lecturing, no sermons, just a quick expression of condolences and let the person know you are thinking about them."

The Condolence Coach suggests that you mention a quality of the deceased which you appreciated or admired... 

cheerful  prompt  organized  team spirit  creative  skilled  funny  patient  optimistic  friendly  good memory  kind  hard worker  disciplined caring generous  dependable

Dan is firmly against using a death as a prospecting opportunity:  "It's tacky." 

The Condolence Coach urges you avoid the stance of 'leaving the grieving in peace.'  It is rarely the best choice. If you can draw upon a personal connection, do so. It matters.

To read other posts discussing leaders, authorities, professions and condolence, please see these posts:
Doctors & Medical Practitioners: Charting Final Thoughts with Condolence
Ithaca College President Reaches Out With Condolence
POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

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Leaders Do The Right Thing: Condolence and Professional Relationships

This is the second in a series about leaders who understand the need to step off the operations train from time to time...

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We look to leaders for direction, strategy and goals, project reviews and (dis)approvals. Sometimes, our leaders provide inspiration ... and sometimes they are called upon to provide sympathy. 

A leader cannot be too busy to care.

Thomas Rochon, Ithaca College President since 2008, hits the ground running each day-- at whatever hour the day demands.  He responds to the college, the community, and the hundreds of warm connections honed during an education career that was launched nearly 40 years ago at the University of Michigan, and progressed to span three continents (and many time zones!)

Dr. Rochon, "Tom," has plenty of valid excuses to opt for a sympathy email/text/tweet, or delegate staff to send "a nice floral arrangement," but he does not.