No Man Is An Island: Condolence Poems, Part 3

My previous posts on condolence poetry explored poems that inspire, such as The Dash, and poems that express a personal perspective on death, such as All Is Well.

One reader urged me to share the poem, No Man Is An Island

[Source]

No man is an island,

Entire of itself,

Every man is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less.

As well as if a promontory were.

As well as if a manor of thy friend's

Or of thine own were:

Any man's death diminishes me,

Because I am involved in mankind,

And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;

It tolls for thee. 

Its author, English poet and cleric, John Donne, wrote the enduring poem in 1624, as part of a larger work called Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions. While gravely ill, he composed 23 daily reflections on life, sickness, God, and death. No Man Is An Island was his 17th devotion (aka Meditation XVII.) 

    

[Source]

I chose the photo at left because the mosaic effect reminds me how a whole is made up of pieces. Each piece is important to the whole photo. The Condolence Coach invites readers to understand our mission of caring by pondering the line, "Any man's death diminishes me."  Sit a moment with that idea. Some of the 'losses' ushered in by death are subtle, but real. You may feel diminished at the death of someone who:

• encouraged you to set your goals high
• guided you
• trusted and confided in you 
• made you feel hopeful
• gave your life purpose as their caregiver, or even
• made you feel miserable

You may also feel diminished at the death of a person who influenced someone you love. Examples would be:  your spouse's best friend, your child's coach, your sibling's spouse.  

When these dynamics are present, enrich your condolence note with honest sharing about the impact the person had on your life. And it is okay to share your pain (the way you feel diminished). 

• "Without [name]'s encouragement, I'm not sure I would have stayed in college..."
• "Although it was my job to get [name] out of bed and ready for the day, the truth is that showing up at her house got me out of my own bed..."
•  "My son was never enthusiastic about doing chores, but after the Coach talked about responsibility, he asked me how he could help. Now, it's a struggle..."
• "Sis, I was there for you before you married [name], and though you're really hurting now, remember: I'm still here..."

Is there someone waiting for you to share this post?  Thanks for caring!

Death Over 70

Do your emotional reactions to news of a death, vary with the age of the deceased? I find that mine do. It is not a sliding scale of caring, but a human assumption at work: life is supposed to progress from infancy to old age.

Sifting through emotions is part of the process of writing condolence notes.  

In this third post of a 4-part series, I will:

Paint a generalized picture of an age group

Explore common reactions to death in that age group, and

Suggest the best condolence elements for notes to survivors.

PART 3: Condolence Writing for a Death Over Age 70

Author image

This age group has been dubbed "The Lucky Few" because they were too young to serve in the global scope of WWII. But how lucky were they to find themselves drafted for the grueling Korean and Vietnam wars?

Death Over 55

Do your emotional reactions to news of a death, vary with the age of the deceased? I find that mine do. It is not a sliding scale of caring, but a human assumption at work: life is supposed to progress from infancy to old age.

Sifting through emotions is part of the process of writing condolence notes.  

In this second post of a 4-part series, I will:

Paint a generalized picture of an age group

Explore common reactions to death in that age group, and

Suggest the best condolence elements for notes to survivors.

PART 2: Condolence Writing for a Death Over Age 55

This age group (mine) is prime Baby Boomer territory.

Death Under 45

Anthony Tran,
unsplash.com

Do your emotional reactions to news of a death, vary with the age of the deceased? I find that mine do. It is not a sliding scale of caring, but a human assumption at work: life is supposed to progress from infancy to old age.

Sifting through emotions is part of the process of writing condolence notes.  

In this 4-part series, I will:

• Paint a generalized picture of an age group
• Explore common reactions to death in that age group, and
• Suggest the best condolence elements for notes to survivors.

Author Image

PART 1: Condolence Writing for a Death Under Age 45

This age group as I define it, are the young-to-established adults who usually have created some order and structure to their world. He or she likely has one (or more) job, one (or more) child, and a busy life! Death is a sharp—even traumatic disruption to survivors’ lives.

Reactions (these may be your private thoughts, not parts of a note)

• He/she is too young
• It’s awful and tragic
• How could this health crisis occur
• Should I be concerned about my health
• How will the survivors go on/get by

Best Condolence Elements

• Acknowledge the loss “the world feels upside down”
• Acknowledge a quality of the family unit “I admire how you support each others' different activities…”
• Acknowledge a quality of the deceased “ (name) had the biggest heart for …”
• Share a memory “I remember when (name) and I …"
• Consider/offer a contribution to the family (financial/assistance) "Can I help you get the kids to school?"
• Share steps you may take to regain peace  “I’m going to start volunteering at…”

Author Image

I learn a lot about myself each time I consider the life of –and my reactions to—a death. This is certainly one of the gifts we have been given by the person who died.

What have you learned during these losses? 

Thank you for caring and sharing!

POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

We look to leaders for direction, strategy and goals, project reviews and (dis)approvals. Sometimes, our leaders provide inspiration ... and sometimes they are called upon to provide sympathy. It is not a task to be delegated, as the President of the United States (POTUS) recognizes.

The circumstance of the loss--even suicide, does not discount the need for sympathy.

In 2011, President Barack Obama reversed a long-standing Department of Defense policy of not sending condolence to families of soldiers who commit suicide during deployment. To remove the stigma associated with the unseen wounds of war, the President set the example of staying with the core concepts of why we write condolence notes:

5 Things To Say When Death Strikes The Young

WHEN DEATH STRIKES THE YOUNG, 

our minds desperately struggle to comprehend and compartmentalize the facts.  The torrent of thoughts looks something like this:

• That's not supposed to happen!
• Who is at fault?
• This should never happen again!
• How can we fill the void?
• How can we go on living?

Did your mind race with feelings and ideas as you read that list? That's NORMAL but I am betting that nothing you considered will be helpful or comforting to the bereaved.

Here are 5 things to consider writing in your condolence note:

• I am so very sorry.
• I feel so fortunate to have known (use name) because ________.
• You were an awesome mom/sister/grandma to (use name) because ________.
• If I had to pick a favorite memory of (use name) it would be when we _______.
• This must be one of the most difficult things you've ever faced, so be gentle with yourself.

Including two or three of those thoughts in your note will result in a memorable and truly comforting condolence note.

The Compassionate Friends is a wonderful organization of peers supporting families who have lost a child (of any age.) International in scope, groups meet in towns and cities around the globe. The website is an excellent resource for gaining sensitivity on this loss.