FAQs on Attending A Memorial Service

 I was recently asked: "I'm going to a memorial service; should I bring flowers?" 

Nareeta Martin, Unsplash

In thinking of my reply, I remembered that in a few weeks I am also due at a memorial service. Let's get ready, together.

What exactly is a memorial service? 

A memorial service is scheduled to occur after the disposition of the decedent's body. The term "service" implies that there will be an officiant or clergy, and a program featuring one or more eulogies, prayers, and music. A military honor guard may have been arranged for a veteran which will include the poignant ritual of Taps played, along with an American flag being folded and presented to family. The service concludes with words of committal, and likely, an invitation to a reception or meal.

Will I see the body?

Unlike a "funeral" where a casketed body may or not be present, a memorial service is a time of remembrance without the decedent's body. But do not assume what form of disposition took place. Reasons for a memorial service can vary and include:

• Immediate cremation took place. Cremated remains in an urn may be on display at the service; or they may have already been shipped to a cemetery or out of town recipient. 
• There may not be an urn on display. Ashes may have been dispersed by air or scattered in a meaningful place. Many people are considering having a loved one's ashes crafted into something artistic or symbolic such as jewelry or keepsake stones.
• In some instances, multiple memorial and funeral activities may occur in different locations. A casket may have been shipped out of the area for a funeral and subsequent burial, but local family and friends want their own time of remembrance. 

Is a memorial service the same as a Celebration of Life? 

It can be. "Celebration of Life" is often an opportunity for more casual hospitality, but it too, will be held in a location convenient to accommodate guests-- whether a home, restaurant, mortuary or church. Sharing memories becomes the springboard for informal mingling; the host/ess may take time to eulogize the deceased, invite others' stories, and thank those attending for their support.

Should I bring flowers or a card to a memorial service? 

Photo by Girl with red hat,
Unsplash

A memorial service has been planned by staff at a place of worship or a mortuary (funeral home.) A plant or flower arrangement(s) may be in the room. However, this is not the format for staff to receive and place unexpected floral arrangements. It is best to not bring flowers.

However, bringing a card is a very nice gesture, and there will be a designated table or basket awaiting these. If you do not see an obvious place for your card, hand it to a family member. This blog has many posts on what to write in a condolence note and types of cards to select. Make it personal, from your heart. 

Will there be a photo or memorabilia display?

It's likely that at least one portrait will be on display; everyone wants to remember the individual in the many nuances of their relationships, so expect to see a video tribute, a photo board, a table of favorite or characteristic objects. If you have a wonderful photo to share, you may bring it; if it is not a gift, be sure to take it with you rather than having to track it down at a later date.

 Is it just for relatives? Who should attend? 

It is very rare that a memorial service is restricted to relatives, and if it is, you will likely not have heard about it OR been clearly informed by your contact something like: "her wishes were for a private family gathering."  

Think of your own life and the array of connections made over your lifetime. You may encounter former neighbors, coworkers, and people from various activities...this makes for a perfect "mingling" question: "How did you know [name]"  Som like it or not, be gracious and respect the occasion: everyone is there to honor the decedent's life and support surviving family members. Attending a memorial service can have pleasant surprises such as what happened a few years ago while I attended a memorial for the late husband of a neighbor. 

Can I speak?

It is very likely that the officiant or host will invite anyone present to share a thought about the deceased. Even if you say just one sentence, I encourage you to do so. And if you get emotional during your sharing--THAT'S OKAY. Remember: no remarks should be embarassing or unkind. If you wrote out a memory or story and it is more than one or two paragraphs, bring it to the attention of the officiant before the service starts. They will advise you if it is okay to use that much time in reading it. An alternative for sharing a lengthy story is to simply give the paper to a family member or enclose it in your card.

I feel a lot of emotions about this death. Is it okay if I cry?

This is a wonderful question and my answer is YES. The memorial service is a beautiful opportunity to express the emotions of grief in the company of others who loved and cared for the deceased. Hymns, eulogies, an honor guard--- all of these things can cause you to get choked up, cry, weep, and even cling to another grieving person. There is no reason to feel embarrassed. Put some tissue in your pocket before arriving. 

Do I have to stay for a post-service reception?

Some Celebrations of Life include a potluck. It is nice to bring something---especially if you may enjoy a few bites before leaving. But, it is perfectly fine to skip the reception and leave quietly. Be sure you have signed the guest book, if provided. If you already had an opportunity to greet the host, you do not need to seek them out to excuse yourself. And if you did not speak to the host, it is still alright to leave quietly.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Comfort Objects: Rereading Memento Notes

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The Growing Through Grief series

I have a notecard tucked in a dresser drawer that warms me just by its cover. It is undated but, thinking back to when I had that box of notecards, I place the note around a time I wanted to relocate. "Make your own Adventure" it urges. Inside, my late husband wrote a special message of admiration and support, and it 'wows' me every time I read it. 

The Condolence Coach has often used the George Santayana quip 'there is nothing sweeter than to be sympathized with.'  But now I know there is nothing sweeter than to be encouraged for being who you are and for the writer's certainty that great things are still to come from you.

I stumbled upon the card while sorting through papers after my husband's death and then, it became a note of encouragement I periodically turned to. As my grief journey progressed, my need for the card lessened. But just yesterday--about 13 months after the death, I yearned for that experience of being deeply known, accepted, and cherished; I opened the drawer, and there it was, waiting to give me a handwritten hug and high five.

Comfort Objects

Growing through grief is a process of finding, using, and very gradually decreasing dependence on comfort objects which stand in for your loved one. Rest assured that anything qualifies as a comfort object and no one but you can choose it. It can be as big as a house or as tiny as a hair. I wrote on the subject of comfort objects and legacies in these posts:

Plaques and Pavers: Memorializing Love

Greatest Generation Dads

Unusual Comforts

A Life Story in 15 Songs

Recipes Soothe Our Souls

A Lasting Tribute

Readers should be very clear on these points:  

Gradually decreasing dependence on the comfort object is:

• entirely up to the grieving individual
• can occur quickly, very slowly, OR NEVER
• is one indication of growing through grief, but is not a required step

Some comfort objects are assimilated into survivors' lives. Comfort objects can be given as legacy gifts like Dad's cherished pickup truck is now driven by a grandson; a warm sweatshirt continues to dispel morning chill; Mom's apron acquires new splatters as the dog eared pages of her cookbook guide new hands to great chili or that must-have Thanksgiving side dish.

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Visit any park or museum and you will see a fundraising opportunity put to good use. Organizations offering the design and installation of memorial plaques and pavers touch hearts with a public comfort object. My friend Lauren had experience with this and encouraged me to consider it. I enjoyed creating such an item for a community park in remembrance of my late husband. The plaque inscription, Providence was his earthly compass, Love his North Star, warms not only my heart but will do the same for anyone who sees it.

Encouraging Aftercare

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Back to that note of encouragement...Because notes of encouragement are so powerful, so nourishing to the spirit of a grieving person, I would like to suggest readers consider writing them as "aftercare" to someone on the grief journey. My cousin Susan lives across the country, but she and her late mother regularly sent me cards of encouragement. Messages like you are strong, you are doing exactly what you need to do at this time, I admire you for _____, the rainbow on this card  is waiting for you are bravery boosters, and their arrival in an otherwise ad filled mailbox always put a smile on my face. 

5 Key components of a note of encouragement

1. Choose a card with an inspiring image or inscription
2. Refer to the inspiring image or inscription in your personalization
3. No timelines: life is meant to be a flow
4. Be effusive (that means be unrestrained and heartfelt)
5. Be optimistic (see the gifts and potentials even when your recipient can't)

Is there someone you could encourage today?

Thank you for caring and sharing!