A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

 Readers,

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It's been awhile since I just wrote some basics about supporting a grieving person. So here is a refresher, listing a dozen simple ways to express sympathy and render comfort. 

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

(from your trusted source: The Condolence Coach)

1. Listen.  2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult. "Gosh, this is a difficult time!" 3. A gentle hug or nonintrusive touch may have more value than words.  4. We all die, but there is no "easier" age for the grieving; this includes a miscarried child. 5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.  6. Learn and use a name, but it's okay to just write 'your Mom.' 7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence. 8. Ask a survivor for one of ​their​ favorite memories.  9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note. 10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.  11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices. Don't suggest things like adopting another pet, that they start dating, or that they try to have another baby. 12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Freddie the Cat: A Story of Creating Your Way through Grief

The Growing Through Grief series

Using Grief as a Creative Prompt

It takes courage to turn to one's art during the early days of grief and yet, it is a deeply special way to process the pain, drama, and shock of loss. Whether your creative outlet is paint, pen, or another form, it is a voice and its expression has value. Countless memoirs are sparked by death; who hasn’t read Marley & Me or Tuesdays with Morrie ?
Russian landscape artist Maxim Vorobyov, painted ‘Oak Fractured by Lightning’ (1842) to express the shock and pain of his wife’s death. 

'Oak Fractured by Lightning', Maxim Vorobyov

I gained this perspective after pet loss, but doubled-down on the challenge by drafting my mother’s obituary, and months later, posting My Turn to Grieve. In my post Condolence to Teens, I suggested giving the grieving girl or boy a journal because like an iceberg, ‘what’s on the surface is a fraction of what’s important to a teenager.’ The subtle suggestion to write or rant becomes a pathway to personal discovery and healing.

This month, my writing friend, Kat, shared her beautiful tribute to Freddie. The health decline of a pet can be a slow, subtle thing, the cues of which accumulate in owners' observations of body and behavior. Still, the time-to-let-go always arrives like a bolt of lightning! I thanked Kat for setting her pen to the pain and she replied: 

“Deborah, I did not want to write his story and had to force myself to do so.  But once I started I began to feel much better.”

FREDDIE

By Kat Hakanson  July 17, 2020 

Freddie, Fireplace Cat
Used with permission, Kat Hakanson

Our cat Freddie died this week.  He was 16 and leaves behind the heartbroken humans that he graciously shared his life with.  There is a big empty space left behind.

Freddie came to us in March of 2004.  We had lost our dear cat, Mr. Peach, the day after Christmas in 2003.  Mourning his loss, we found a breeder of Cornish Rex in Goodyear, AZ and, as luck would have it, she had a male cat born the past November who needed a forever home.

Living in Colorado at the time, we made the trip down to Arizona that March to pick up our newest family member. He was a beautiful orange tabby with an incredibly thick marcel wave. He was our fifth Cornish Rex.  Someone once told me that Rex cats look like corduroy, an apt description.  We called him Freddie, but his actual given name was Mister Rogers of Stonebridge in honor of the famed establisher of the children’s TV series who had always been a favorite of our entire family. We returned to Colorado and Freddie met his fellow resident cat, Norman, who was a meek and gentle little guy. It did not take Freddie long to rule and dominate our household and Norman too. Sweet Norman loved him just the same. 

Being 4 months old when we brought him home, he was really still a kitten. He was robust and active, could leap up to the highest furniture tops and we marveled at his athletic ability. His feet were huge and that gave us an indication of what a big boy he would grow to be. Sometimes when he was jumping, he would leap sideways. In his teething stage, he chewed a few holes in the bottom of my brand-new wooden blinds. It still makes me smile when I think of it, but I was horrified at the time! Years later, when the moving day came to leave Colorado, I noticed the chew marks on that bottom shade board and wondered what the new owners would think of them.

Window Cats
Used with permission, Kat Hakanson

He loved to watch birds from big windows and the window seat. None of our cats were ever allowed outside so our screened porch became his special place to enjoy the outdoors. Lap time was a favored activity and in his later years he would be extremely put out if there was not a lap available when he desired one. A sunny window was his best friend and he would move throughout the house all day long just looking for that best sun spot. He allowed his humans to share his king size bed. Freddie was a talker and had a lot to say. At times it felt as if he were lecturing us. There was always a greeting when we would come home. Almost until the day he died, he enjoyed playing with his toys in kitten like fashion.

Freddie & Ginger, Cuddle Cats
Used with permission, Kat Hakanson

Norman died in 2009 and we then welcomed a tiny female cat to our family.  She was Rex number six.  We named her Ginger (Fred and Ginger)!

She was a feisty little girl and Freddie could not really dominate her as he did Norman. Life in our household became more interesting. Games and chasing became everyday behavior. 

When he was 15, we noticed he was getting very thin. He had lost two pounds since his last checkup one year prior. The Vet did bloodwork but everything looked fine. He was still eating, was active and always into mischief.

With the pandemic, his next yearly visit was delayed.  There were problems with using the litter pan now. When he saw the Vet last week, he had dropped to 6.5 pounds as compared to the healthy 11 pounds he weighed when in his prime. He never ate again after that last Vet visit and we could see him failing quickly every day. Suddenly, he now appeared to be in pain and we knew it was time to let him go. Lymphoma and kidney failure were suspected. We were shocked at his final, rapid decline. It was with overwhelming sadness when we said goodbye. We will miss him forever. ###

Mother's Memorial Morning Sky
D. Chappa

Grief work that works

The story of 'Mister Rogers of Stonebridge' is now a family treasure. If you are grieving, turn to your art. Don’t worry about an audience--more than ever, this art is for you! If you are a friend to a grieving person, consider creating your own artistic tribute, or offer a gift such as a journal or art supplies, or plant a creative prompt with the question:

How would your feelings show up through…

your camera...your pen...your paintbrush...your guitar?

Thank you for caring!

Eckhart Tolle and why teachers repeat wisdom

At the start of his big retreat events, spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle shares "if you came today expecting to hear a new concept that will turn the key that puts it all together for you, you will be disappointed or bored. I will not tell you anything new but rather, only what you already know, inside."

There are many teachers who have one basic teaching and, though their books can fill a shelf, the lesson repeats.

With close to 10 years of posts, the Condolence Coach realizes readers may consider me quite repetitive. You may remember the epigraph in my book, Words for When there are No Words: Writing a Memorable Condolence Note,  "There is nothing sweeter than to be sympathized with"  (George Santayana). This is why I have one core teaching: 

Expressions of condolence matter.

So let's run through my key condolence wisdom teachings. When you hear of a death-- be it a loved one, a pet, an admired acquaintance or professional contact, stopping to care and express simple kindness such as: "I'm very sorry to hear that," softens life's hard edges.

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Eckhart Tolle speaks of our inner wisdom, and the Condolence Coach believes that you can train your inner compass so that sensitive sympathetic contact occurs with ease.
Take a moment to review the following list of 12 simple concepts. Copy it to your notes app or your Cloud, and assimilate it -- when you walk this wisdom, you rock this wisdom!

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

1. Listen.
2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult.
3. A gentle hug, shoulder touch, may have more value than words.
4. We all die, but there is no "easier age" to grieve; this includes a miscarried child.
5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.
6. Learn and use a name.
7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence.
8. Ask a survivor for one of their favorite memories.
9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note.
10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.
11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices.
12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, and easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring!

5 Lessons Little Kids Teach Us About Loss: Guest post by Alexis Marie Chute

Once again, Grief Digest Magazine, produced by Centering Corporation has inspired me with an excellent article. 

What are your views and concerns about how children view death? 

• Do you feel youngsters should be protected from sad events? 
• Do you hire a babysitter when you have to attend a funeral or memorial service?
• Do you tell the kids you "have somewhere to go" instead of explaining the occasion? 

That's how it went in my childhood; my siblings and I did not visit a grandmother's deathbed or attend her funeral; when an uncle died in a farm tractor accident, my dad travelled alone to attend his brother's services and comfort surviving family. 

These are very common responses, but Alexis Marie Chute tells a different story. When her newborn survived only one day, her whole family faced the loss. Here is her story...

Alexis Marie Chute

 5 Lessons Little Kids Teach Us About Loss

by Alexis Marie Chute

I think it’s safe to say that our society does not prepare us for the death of a loved one, either in how to experience it when it is happening or in how to grieve afterward. We are taught to shelter the living from death as if it is an unfortunate reality, better ignored than embraced. Grieving individuals, and those that support them, often struggle for a vocabulary to talk about the loss and the resulting feelings. Instead we have a vernacular ripe with cliche that leaves mourners wanting and isolated, instead of comforted and encouraged.

I experienced all of this when I lost my son, Zachary, from a cardiac tumor at birth in 2010. He was minutes old. He died in my arms. That day was a stake in the road for me; I ceased to be my old naive self and began – what is called in grief literature – my “new normal.” As I look back on myself, I recognize that much of the trauma of Zachary’s death came from my childlike desire that we all will live forever and that everything will be okay. My parents did not talk to me about loss when I was little. I wish they had.

My husband, Aaron, and I have been honest with our living children about Zachary, what happened to him, how it affected us, and how we still miss him today. That discussion has opened the door for my children to think about death. Some of their responses have taught me valuable lessons.

1. Talk about the dead.

This sounds like something out of the Sixth Sense movie or the perfect set-up for being labeled the weirdo at the party. It shouldn’t be. Children are not predisposed (unless we teach them) to the negative societal taboos around loss. My seven and four-year-old kids bring up Zachary all the time. If someone dies, they mention Zach. If I am asked how many kids I have and I say, “Three,” I am immediately corrected. “No, Mom. You have four kids!” they say proudly. Sometimes I worry how others will respond to this behavior from my children, but then I give my head a shake. Talking about those we love, even if they have passed, should be the most normal thing in the world.

2. Accept death as a natural and beautiful part of life.

We have a cultural obsession with youth and beauty. This is one area, among many, where the cult of celebrity sets us up for heartache. We do not have public and prolific guidance to help us accept death as inseparable from life. I believe life and death are yin-yang, two equal parts of one complete whole. In contrast, our society has erected opposing notions of life and death as one being good and the other bad.

Children, however, when spoken to about death as a part of life, do not fear it as a scary monster to avoid, but integrate it into the fabric of their understanding. There are many natural parallels that children more innately connect with on this topic. The seasons are one example. Leaves fall from the trees each autumn and we have winter. Then new life grows again in the spring. A seed that is buried in the ground, just when we’ve nearly forgotten about it, sprouts and blossoms into a flower. In a short span of time a great grandparent passes and a new sibling birthed. This is all natural, cyclical, and connected.

3. Think about death and strive for personal understanding.

My older children used to go to a day-home while I worked. One day the woman who ran the home took a step closer to me than normal and in a hushed voice said, “I just wanted you to know, your kids were playing make-believe today and they said the baby-doll died. I made sure to tell them that they shouldn’t play like that.” Instead of being concerned, I was proud that my kids were working out their own personal understanding of our experience and what death means to them! They were doing that in the only way they knew how - through play. When I talked to them about it, I affirmed their actions and encouraged them to make-believe however they wanted. They were not distracting themselves or repressing their feelings on loss, like so many adults do, only to rack up steep therapy bills just to re-open their hearts in this expressive way.

4. Loss is a family matter, not only a solo experience.

The bonds between family are not severed because of loss. That is what my children have taught me. When my kids talk about Zachary, he “is” their brother, not past tense. We talk about how Zach lives on in our hearts. If we are discussing loneliness, my kids pipe up and say, “You are never alone because Zachary is right here,” as they point to their chests. I know they do process the loss in an individual way, we all do, but in mourning and celebrating Zach’s life, it is a family matter.

My daughter, Hannah, my seven-year-old, will draw a portrait of our family and, without prompting, include Zach in the picture. That is her solo action, but she immediately shows Aaron and me the drawing, and then hangs it from the fridge with magnets. As a family, on the anniversary of Zach’s birth, and death, we take the day off from work and school and bake a cake, go swimming, plant a tree, and just generally cuddle-up and spend quality time together. I believe because of this, the kids do not feel they carry their grief, or the weight of death, all on their own. It is a shared experience and therefore shared support and love.

5. Speaking of love… It never dies.

My kids often say, “I love my whole family! I love Mommy and Daddy, and Hannah, and Eden, and Luca, AND Zachary!” They talk about loving their unseen brother. They talk about missing him and wishing he was alive and with us. In these moments, I take a deep breath, pause from busyness, and feel my own love for Zachary and the throb of ache in missing him and the life I had hoped we would share together. Yes, my child died and that is my personal tragedy, but the love I have for him can never be taken from me. Though society uses phrases like “move on,” I choose to take the lead from my kids. Zachary is a part of us and we love him – present tense, and that is okay.

Expecting Sunshine, A Memoir by Alexis Marie Chute

💔💕💗  

In her memoir Expecting Sunshine, A Journey of Grief, Healing, and Pregnancy After Loss, Alexis shared her journey--from pregnancy and the discovery of Zachary's in-utero condition, to the family's decision to always love him as son and brother: present tense!

Click here to learn more about the book

 ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Alexis Marie Chute is the author of the award-winning memoir Expecting Sunshine: A Journey of Grief, Healing and Pregnancy After Loss, available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. Alexis Marie is a writer, artist, filmmaker, public speaker, and bereavement expert. Learn more about her book and documentary, Expecting Sunshine: The Truth About Pregnancy After Loss, at www.ExpectingSunshine.com. She is a healthy-grief advocate educating others on how to heal in creative and authentic ways. You can also connect with Alexis Marie Chute on Facebook, LinkedIn Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, and YouTube.

RESOURCES:
 Visit Alexis' bereavement blog:  www.WantedChosenPlanned.com

Condolence Coach Photo

The Condolence Coach did a 5-part series on how to understand and respond to a family facing miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death:

1. Angels Above Baby Gowns: Soothing a Terrible Loss
2. Angels Above Baby Gowns: Someday I'll Meet My Brothers
3. Angels Above Baby Gowns: Delivery at a Birthing Center
4. Angels Above Baby Gowns: A Time to Tear and a Time to Mend
5. Angels Above Baby Gowns: Heartbeats and Lightening Bolts

And remember that the grieving family includes grandparents:

When Grandparents Grieve

"Punk Bird" by Suzy St.John

A widely celebrated project for kids is the creation of a memory box. Here's how to introduce the idea:  Grieving Children and the Memory Box Condolence Gift. 

In this season of giving thanks, I say to all readers:

Thank you for caring!

Clutter Makes a Mess of Grief: How to Help!

Few people will admit that their possessions have crossed the line from "a little messy" to big problem. From time to time, we may all experience the problem--often in small doses:

• The tee shirt drawer doesn't quite close.
• The coat closet has no room for a visitor's jacket.
• It takes significant excavation to unearth the potato peeler from a tangle of kitchen tools.
• The garage workbench has lost its usefulness, covered with parts, packaging, and paraphernalia.

Fixing Small-Dose Clutter

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A small-dose clutter problem can be resolved in fifteen to thirty minutes, restoring functionality to a space. Common sense consigns the torn and broken to trash; goods that have fallen out of favor become a bag welcomed by a charity store. Some of us logon to craigslist or ebay and turn stuff into cash; freecycle facilitates a feel-good way to connect with someone in your community who can use what you no longer need (craigslist also has a "free stuff" category, and my household has enjoyed many grateful handshakes.)

Heavy Environments

Over the years, I've been in many homes bearing a lifetime's accumulated property. These environments bear a weight that exceeds the measurable:  

• A burden of confusion.
• An expense of duplication.
• The distress of indecision.
• The demand of nostalgia.

I have known people who's estate planning included diligently purging excess "to make it easier for my executors." And I have known folks who become infirm, look around their rooms packed with possessions and say, "the kids will sort it out." 

What is it like to die in a messy room?

No one comes back to complain, but Megory Anderson, founder of the Sacred Dying Foundation, encourages "establishing a sacred presence." She and her team offer many excellent resources for lay and professional use. In her free booklet of vigiling tips, De-clutter the bedside area is number 1! If you believe that death is not a medical event but a spiritual one, the simple practices that invoke honor, respect and sacredness are rich in love but trimmed of turmoil. During active dying, remove from the bed's radius those piles of medical and hygiene supplies, displaced household goods, and even beloved room decor that distracts and act like guy-wires holding tightly to the person who must detach and leave.

When grieving is literally 'a mess'

The time and process of sorting through the belongings of a loved one can be comforting and surprising. "I didn't know she still had that", "She really liked purses!" "Those cases of cereal in the basement are all expired." "Look what he stashed in the crawlspace." Understandably, we will all leave some degree of stuff to be dispersed or disposed of. The window of time to empty a room or residence can depend on a number of things:  policies of a skilled care facility, avoiding the cost of another month's rent, and whether a home will be sold or remain in the family. If your acquaintance with a survivor is familiar, consider offering assistance to sort, pack, and disperse property. 

Sympathetic support: a condolence 'gift'

It is imperative that your assistance be grounded in trust, and a plan of action that is acceptable to all legally responsible survivors. Marie Kondo, a Japanese organizing consultant and author of The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, and Spark Joy has some interesting tactics for decluttering that can certainly be applied to an entire home clean out.

1. Tackle categories, not rooms (focus reduces the burden)
2. Respect your belongings (take care of what you keep)
3. Nostalgia is a trap (time spent in reverie and sentimentality blur good judgment)
4. Dedicate efforts to the life of the decedent (express this out loud)
5. What you keep you must truly love ("like" or "useful" don't make the cut for a legacy item. See my post on Keepsakes)

Whether your assistance is presented first, in your condolence note or, in a later companionable visit, your offer qualifies as a remarkable condolence gift.

Thank you for caring!

BFFs Die, Too: bridging a best friend's death

What is a best friend?

 I found Chelsea Fagan's exploration of the "best friend" title thoughtful:

"We often take for granted how precious a thing it is to be a best friend, how many people can’t freely use that term, how many have never experienced that very particular kind of love. When you think about it, to pronounce someone in your life as being more important than all of those other friends somehow, as being on a different plane of relationship that, despite not being romantic, is still profoundly important, is incredible."

S

Jean with Sally, BFF & fellow Riveter

Jean: 94 years of friendships

This is Jean's story of outliving friends and 99% of her extended family (not including her children, grand and great-grandkids.) She describes an enduring belief  in the benefit of such closeness, even though she has had numerous losses.

"My cousins and I were really close. We did so much together, which continued even after we were all married. Those cousins and my aunts are all gone." 

Born and raised into her adulthood in the thriving Polish community of Hamtramck, Michigan, Jean worked as a Rosie-the-Riveter, and made friends easily. These were the golden years for BFF fun: Belle Isle picnics, the Put-in-Bay amusement park on Lake Erie in Ohio, league bowling with co-workers, nightclub evenings of dancing with soldiers and drinking “Zombies.” As a married mother of four, Jean continued to enjoy friendships with cousins, and many women from her neighborhood, church, volunteering, and bowling leagues.

Jean scratches a visitor's back

Now at 94, Jean lives in an upbeat assisted living facility. The staff and other residents are her new friends and neighbors. Before deciding on a small studio apartment, Jean visited Evelyn's brightly lit studio (across the hall from the vacancy,) saw the clever arrangement of furniture, and admired the hospitality potential of a new sleeper sofa. Jean and Evelyn became best friends.

Friendships in older life are fragile

"I sit at a dining table and have friends; they die and a new person is assigned. Sometimes if they're sick, you feel bad, cause you enjoyed things together, like playing cards or bingo. And then when they die, and a new person moves in, I might hesitate to get close. Evelyn was my last good friend at the table. I often think about friendships; Evelyn's daughter, Denise, is my best friend, now."

Levels of loss

I asked Jean if losing an elderly friend is as hard as other losses (husband, cousin, grandchild)?
"When Evelyn died, I thought,'at least she's not suffering.' I'll think of our good times, and that way, they're never forgotten. I think the grief does depend on the closeness and at my age, I accept that I am going to lose people. I just wonder when it's going to be my turn." 

Darci: Wonderful memories

After courageously vigiling at her friend Patrice's deathbed, Darci found comfort in composition as well as acts of remembrance. An expressive writer, professionally and personally, Darci posted a tribute to Facebook on the eighth year of her friend's absence:

"Tonight my friend Beverly and I went out to celebrate the birthday of our friend Patrice, who passed away from complications due to glioblastoma in 2008. We shared lots of fun memories about her, and it was happy-sad, to say the least. So many wonderful memories came flooding back as we reminisced.

 

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I remember long talks about everything and nothing; listening to her play the piano, and being swept away by the musical beauty she created. Working in her garden, drinking coffee, playing poker, walking her dogs, and going to Vegas. Laughing together at nothing. Sharing silence. How I miss that friendship, how I've never had anything quite like it since, and how her not being here anymore still pricks something so deep within. How is it that I STILL see someone who looks like her and I freeze for a split second and honestly think she's still alive? At some level I wonder if our minds are simply incapable of truly comprehending death. The pain has lessened over the years, yes. Yet the fond memories are as vivid as ever. How lucky I am that Patrice was my friend."

I asked Darci if the length and depth of friendship have a bearing on the pain of its loss.
"Absolutely. The closer I am to someone impacts the depth of grief I feel. Comparison: When my grandfather died at the age of 99 (four days shy of 100,) of course I was very sad. But his death was the natural end to a long life. I loved him, but I wasn't as emotionally close to him as I was to my friend Patrice, whose untimely death shook me to the core."

The Condolence Coach approached the topic of best friends, with a concern that the grief would be minimized as "outside" the roster of core relatives. Darci's experience was a good one:
"I have received many nice words in response to my writings about Patrice--which, for me, has been a way to process my grief".

Just getting started

Blogger, Chelsea Fagan, explored the distinction of "best" in a friendship. It is a coveted title, and not used lightly. A BFF is the receptacle for--and companion to-- life's moments and emotions, from incidental to earth shattering. As a child, I would run down the block to my best friend's house. Today, the smart phone redefines immediacy. Truncating the lifeline between best friends is a terrible amputation. I asked Darci, as you have grieved, have you had regrets?
"I wish we had had more time together--I think we were friend for only 2-3 years, but it felt like we had been friends forever."

When your bestie had died, who is left to listen?

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Ellie Crystal, counsels taking as much time as you need to heal, but if unremitting depression occurs, consider finding professional support. The space where that special person resided in your heart and mind, is fragile. "Best friends return to us in many spiritual ways, dreams, paranormal manifestations and movements, other reminders that allow us to know that they are still with us. Yet it is not the same. You want your best friend back so you can talk to them and share." 

The Texas Women's University Counseling Center suggests:
"One of the best ways to help yourself is to talk about your loss with someone who is caring and concerned, someone who can understand your need to talk about it. Often just talking with a close friend can soften the feelings...counteract some of the feelings of loneliness a death evokes. Typically, we need to go over and over the feelings and the experiences before we can begin to accept what has happened. Sometimes as survivors we feel as though we may be burdening our family and friends with our need to talk. If this feeling occurs, seeking help from a counselor is probably a good idea."

Bridging a crevasse with condolence 

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The friend "left behind" may be doing her own journaling, and many thoughts will be passed around through social media. Darci shares her tributes on Facebook. But the Coach encourages you to write a condolence note somewhere in the midst of electronic compassion. Just as a good friendship is enduring, your note can be, too. A condolence gift of a journal would be a lovely aid for this. Consider writing your condolence in the form of a dedication, on the first page:

"You have had one of life's best treasures: a best friend. Though [use name] has died, he/she lives on in your heart and mind." 

You may add one or two other observations or appreciative thoughts to that dedication; some ideas are:

• Express Appreciation for the deceased and/or for the survivor
• Share Memories
• Make Little Observations...
• a special moment or helpful influence
• what you respect or admire
• valued qualities or talents shared
• If you have at one time, lost a best friend, you can share a thought about how you moved through your grief.

Thank you for caring!

Workers Memorial Day

[Source]

Chances are, you know someone represented by a union. 

They work in skilled trades, industry, and numerous public sectors. Their job titles are many and frankly, our nation would grind to a halt without them. Another truth:  jobs are often dangerous.

[Source]

Workers Memorial Day is April 28th.

I learned about International Workers Memorial Day during my years as a technical writer. [This was B.E.: before end-of-life work] Working with a creative and dedicated production team, I scripted several videos for commemorations conducted by the health and safety divisions of the United Auto Workers (UAW) of Ford Motor Company.

Conducting on-camera interviews with employees (and their families), I gained a new understanding of the lightening fast moments when serious accidents change--or end lives. Operating machinery, making repairs, working at heights, and even being in the wrong place at the wrong time of a busy factory can lead to devastation.

Life changing moments may be cumulative. 

The use of chemicals is common in thousands of occupations; they come in friendly spray cans, single-use applicators, and drums. Protective gear--from gloves to respirators, may or may not be offered or used, and exposure to hazardous materials and infectious agents impacts health.

For millions, a hard day's work is just that.

[Source]

Injurious repetitive processes can occur almost anywhere. Long hours of keying in data, holding high vibration tools, heavy lifting, and even fixed position activities may result in "cumulative trauma disorders." When ergonomic or mechanical aids are not implemented or sufficient, many retirees goes home with chronic pain instead of a gold watch.

With a motto:  MOURN FOR THE DEAD, FIGHT FOR THE LIVING, unions continually address training, vigilance, and being your brother's keeper. It is not a guarantee. The annual observance, now global, originated with the Canadian Union of Public Employees, in 1984.  International Workers Memorial Day, April 28th, provides a forum to pause and remember men and women who lost their lives or sustained disabling injuries or illnesses on the job. Because prevention is the goal, the United Nations marks a World Day for Safety and Health at Work on this day, too.

Hazards affect everyone.

Leo W. Gerard, International President, United Steelworkers (USW), reminds us that "the peril of refineries spills into communities."  

"In the first six weeks of this year, explosions occurred at three refineries, closing streets, raining eye-irritating white ash on neighborhoods and forcing residents to shelter indoors for hours."

So, you don't have to clock into work to hope it's a safe day; safety should be everybody's business. The March 23rd memorial gathering marked the 10th anniversary of an explosion in Texas City that killed 15 workers and injured more than 170--including townspeople. In a candlelight ceremony, small white crosses-each inscribed with a name, were erected near the refinery. Marathon Petroleum Corp. "inherited" the legacy of the accident from BP, but is resisting solutions identified by the USW.  Workers' Memorial Day has been called the voice of dead workers. Growing up, we are told to learn from our mistakes; shouldn't the same principle apply in business?

Everyone's work has value.

The Condolence Coach suggests we remember how every contribution of labor makes our world better. I particularly like the UAW logo shown above because of its interconnected human wheel design. In any condolence note, consider an appreciative comment about the person's work. Your goal, always, is to be supportive, affirming, and sometimes, helpful without interference or advice.

If a death was due to an occupational injury or accident, consider these expressions in your note:

•  "Tom didn't put down his tools when a shift ended. He has helped me at home..."
• "When I think of what Janine faced each day, words like strong, brave, and big-hearted come to my mind..."
• "Mary, you've got enough 'experts' working on Mike's case, but remember that I'm here to listen and take the kids to the pool."
• "I can't make the fact of Ty's death hurt any less, but I can remind you that every day, he left home feeling loved."
• "Count on me to be at the next rally, Sue Ellen."
• My favorite memory of Cleo was how much fun she had on 'Donut Day'...

Remember, if a child or teen has lost a parent, a condolence gift may be useful as they process feelings:

Condolence to Teens

Capes for Kids

The Memory Box Gift

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Grief Tools: An Emergency Kit for a Bad Day

Janet Roberts, Executive Director of Centering Corporation and Grief Digest Magazine invited me to share this wonderful article from the December 2014 issue. It was contributed by Elaine Stillwell, a writer based in Rockville Centre, New York.

I subscribe to Grief Digest Magazine, and loved the practical suggestions for self care. But I also wondered:  could this be a condolence gift?  

AN EMERGENCY KIT FOR A BAD DAY

By Elaine Stillwell

 

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As hard as we try to keep our heads above water in grief, there are some days that sneak up on us and catch us totally off guard, spiraling us backwards to what seems like day one. It just doesn't seem fair to fall down when we thought we were doing so well or were giving it our best effort.

So, do yourself a favor and plan ahead. Be ready for that black day that knocks you over in your grief. Start right now putting together your emergency kit so you can shift immediately into "Plan B" whenever you are blindsided by some event, circumstance or happening.

For our emergency kits, some of us might only need a simple carton or a box the size of a carry-on suitcase. Others might need an old-fashion sized trunk-use whatever it is that fits your needs, because each of us grieves differently. Here are a few suggestions that might help you get started.

Loving Listener Address Book

You might grab this handy, specially made, little phone book that lists those friends who give you their loving presence while offering no advice for your hurting heart. A quick call to one of them might be just what you need to get out of the doldrums as you share what has knocked you back into the grief pit. We know talking is the best medicine, so this might be immediate, vital, first aid. On our grief journey, many of us learn that we need to rewrite our address book, so this can be a grand opportunity to add new support persons and delete some folks who have not been there for us. This is a perfect time to create this handy item and to make sure it is in our emergency kit for quick use.

Magic Wand

This useful tool might bring a smile to our faces as we wave it a few times, hoping that its magical powers will restore our hope, motivation and determination. It might just help us focus on happy memories that lighten the burden of our grief. It might make us feel more in control and more able to make the decisions we need to climb out of the hole. My wand came from a memorable sweet-sixteen birthday party, and it still has those magical powers to make me feel joy. You might have a similar item that conveys the same message to your heart, something that stirs a lot of memories for you, like a team pennant, a fishing rod, a baseball cap, a letter or a photo album. Find the linking object that works for you.

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Huggables

Something cuddly to hug can help our hearts, especially if it is a teddy bear or pillow made from our loved one's pajamas, bathrobe, sweatshirt or favorite outfit. We can sense their presence and almost feel them hugging back. It could be any plush toy or quilt, but it should be something that has meaning to us and brings us comfort when we hold it. Denis' Ziggy doll that has "I is a brane" emblazoned on its chest
cracks me up every time I look at it. And Peggy's loveable unicorn reminds me of all her dreams and plans. Anything huggable that has history can give you a boost as you relive the memories it brings to your mind.

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Uplifting Book

Carefully selecting a favorite book that has a warm, healing message offers a soothing note for broken spirits. Whether prose or poetry, finding words that bring back a loving feeling in our hearts can help on a gloomy day. We might smile again as we reread favorite passages that open doors to healing for us. You will forget you are having a bad day!

Binoculars

Besides giving us a new perspective, these glasses can help us find those colorful, chirping birds that enjoy our garden, flit around our feeders and fly around our trees. Listening to their daily songs and becoming a "birder" can be a key therapy for the bereaved. So begin listing the birds you see and then doing your homework to find out more about them. You may learn to see your life through new eyes. 

Family Recipe

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Including a popular recipe in the kit might get us out of bed and headed for the kitchen. Sometimes preparing a favorite dish that we love or that our loved one enjoyed makes us feel better. Getting involved with all the ingredients and planning this special dish is a delicious distraction from pain. It gets us busy with something that has happy memories. We might even want to call someone to share it with us. This can be the beginning of feeling social again.

Music

On a tough day, music can be very healing to some souls. Be sure you include a favorite CD, or iPad selection to get you out of a dark mood as you hum along. Years ago, I had my Walkman all primed ready to go each time I walked the dog, because the music talked to my soul. So whatever your musical choices, classical, spiritual, big band, country, Motown, heavy metal or rap, make sure you include the songs that brighten your spirit.

Don't waste another minute. Start assembling all the emergency-kit items that will have you ready with "Plan B." As time goes along, you can add and subtract, continually updating and insuring you that you can have a better day. Our new mantra will be just like the Boy Scouts, "Be Prepared."

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Readers:  don't miss the poignant story of Centering Corporation's founder, Joy Johnson: Joy's Warrior Dragon: Courage Befriends a Widow

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