The Covid-19 Condolence Note

Begin at the beginning

Every death and every grief is a tough ration of reality. Normalcy is suspended. Extra duties pile on and most have unique challenges; still, survivors move forward. They find comfort and support in the strata of life relationships and, with time and revision, 'normal' bears resemblance to the well known.

If there is one topic all of humanity agrees on, it is that the Covid-19 pandemic has assaulted the concept of 'normal.' All patterns-- how we tend the sick, vigil the dying, gather to mourn and weave our memories into shared legacy--are torn. We are left to begin at the beginning. 

Celebrating a person's life should never be about the cause of their death.

You may feel the pandemic has taken much from you--casual freedoms, livelihood, leisure enjoyments; DO NOT let it take your memories of this wonderful person!

Beyond the Top 5 Keys for a Great Condolence Note

Now, more than ever, you need to step up with written condolence. Final embraces, funeral hugs and food-filled wakes have been put on hold (many irretrievable!) Since you may not be able to reach out with arms, reach out with words! Giving survivors something to hold and spend time with not only fills in gaps, but provides a lifeline of hope.

Years ago, I designed a bookmark to promote my eBook, but I wanted it to be useful beyond marking your place. I reviewed my writings and distilled the reams of Condolence Coaching to this:

Notice the suggestion that you only need 2 or 3 Keys for your note. Easy, right? It's a good start. And while we absolutely want to deliver good memories, acknowledging the difficult circumstances which likely surrounded loved ones' proximity to the care and death, can be done gently.

Phrasing Special Sympathies for the Hardships of Today

Author image

In addition to selecting one of the Top 5 Keys for your condolence, give your note a sensitivity boost if one of these circumstances occurred:

• If survivor(s) were not able to to be at the dying person's bedside:
• "Trust that the love you have long-shared, surrounded ____ when you could not be at his/her bedside."
• If funeral arrangements were hasty, severely abbreviated, or a gathering was delayed to a future "safer" date:
• "Although we couldn't gather as hoped, my heart and thoughts were with you."
• "Although we couldn't gather right away, I look forward to being with you someday soon."
• Acknowledging the lack of hugs, etc. when they are most acutely needed:
• "When I heard the news, I just wanted to give you a big hug. Please know that within these words is a "raincheck" for that hug!"

Remember that, if you do not have a mailing address for the family, you can always send your card or note c/o the funeral home or mortuary that handled the final disposition. Just write "Please forward" on the envelope.

Read about Virtual Funerals, here!

Thank you for caring!

Virtual Funerals in the Time of Covid-19

When I worked in funeral service, the biggest tech challenge from day to day was getting a family's photo slideshow to play on our chapel's big screen monitor. Sometimes they hadn't properly closed their program before removing a flash drive, or the photos were stuck in a document folder. Our business maintained national music performance licenses, so we didn't have to worry about all the copyrighted songs families were downloading to their slideshows.

Author image

Years ago, I frowned at a story about a mortuary's drive-by casket viewing feature. Today, funeral home staff are being called to interface with social media in ways that demand new skills and tremendous empathy. I admire their fortitude.

Some of us have already participated in a virtual funeral. While summer "hotspots" raged, a family death out of my home state prevented me from travelling to attend. I was sad to not participate, but shared remembrances with the clergyman, so he could incorporated them into his eulogy. This funeral would not be virtual so, while it took place 2,000 miles away, I watched a photo slide show, read inspirational verses and shared memories with my husband.

I urge readers to explore the following article about virtual funerals because knowing the terrain, can reduce stress if you later find yourself navigating there.

The Condolence Coach asks you to remember these 3 unchanging condolence principles:

1. Written words of sympathy matter greatly; send a card with a personal note to the family or c/o the funeral home. An emailed condolence is okay, too. Any contact with an isolated mourner is hugely comforting!
2. Share a favorite and uplifting memory, but if it's your turn to talk during a streaming virtual funeral, be brief.
3. Express gratitude for the life of the deceased and especially thank the family for hosting the opportunity to "gather."

Tips for your Covid-impacted condolence note

The Virtual Funeral

CNNhealth: Funerals go virtual in the pandemic. Here's how to plan one with meaning and honor the dead

Remember the Caregivers!

Whether you dub them "heroes" is your choice, but remember to:

• thank caregivers
• acknowledge their own emotional journey and, 
• consider inviting them to a virtual funeral or later memorial gathering.

Read more about Condolence to Caregivers

Thank you for caring!