Growing through grief is a newer theme of this blog, but I will continue to coach readers on crafting a comforting sympathy note. Your goal is a sensitive message that does not preach or judge. It truly becomes memorable.
It's time for me to update a position I wrote about over a decade ago. In writing To Hold A Card In Your Hand, I referenced etiquette expert Miss Manners (Judith Martin) and the courtesies and comforts of condolence notes received through the mail. The qualities I was most enthusiastic about had to do with being able to share the card, re-read the card, and to hold a card.And while there is certainly no reason to argue against those benefits, let's look at some realities.
Connections
Today, we know a lot of people through affiliations of activities, employment, volunteering, social media, chance-but-meaningful encounters and numerous other connections. BUT WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR MAILING ADDRESSES. In fact, in so many affiliations it would seem intrusive to even ask for a mailing address. I have encountered that 'awkward moment' in asking, and better realized that someone felt my request was crossing a line---too personal. So let's respect that, and move on.
There is a very good chance that your affiliation does include an email address. Never use email addresses for solicitation unless it is clearly a networking affiliation such as LinkedIn, Meetup, Facebook or another social media forum with the key purpose of information exchange.
Sharing
Condolence by email does allow sharing and re-reading. I have done both with emailed condolences and appreciate the quick access to archived email. Most importantly, the caring gesture, the sympathy and compassionate outreach is appreciated by someone facing a loss.
Will there be a later cup of coffee and more sharing? You could mention it if both of you are local. But it is okay to maintain the electronic line and even elevate the 'meeting of hearts and minds', over the meeting of eyes over lattes.
Caring
With this established, what does your e-condolence say?
E-cards: It's not necessary, but if you subscribe to an e-card app this is a good start. There are themes for sympathy and you can select the right imagery and vibe. Most cards are animated and have a soundtrack, so exercise the patience to preview the card to determine if it is suited to the recipient and the nature of the loss.
Your words: There is only one mission to a condolence: COMFORT. Never express a personal
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agenda or judgment in condolence! I have actually been told or overhead these ill-suited comments: "Now that your cat is gone you can babysit my cat when I travel." "Being single has its benefits." "You can take your mind off it with the new project." "You still have the other kids." "Well, she was very old." "My memorial donation to ____ is eligible for the extra charitable deduction." Readers, you get my point!
Sorry. Gratitude. Good Memories. Admiration. Connect with your heart before you start typing, and certainly before you hit SEND. This note does not have to be particularly lengthy, just focus on caring. Re-read your sympathy expression: does it warm your heart? If so, you have written a lovely e-condolence.
Paula Bowman is, and recently shared her poem with me. Her friendship with 'Julie' had its ups and down-- what friendship doesn't? But when death doesn't give you both the chance to regain equilibrium and return to the loveliness of enjoying each other, it hurts. The surviving friend may feel full-to-bursting with things left unsaid: apologies, fresh perspectives, and forgiveness. How do you handle feelings of unresolved issues, unfinished business and of course, LOSS? The Condolence Coach addressed loss of a friend in BFFs Die Too: bridging a best friend's death. The good news is that your memories will endure. The bad news is, yes, that your memories will endure. Which ones will you focus on?
One way to focus on the good memories is to put the bad memories to rest-- in fact, give them a proper funeral! To do so, you need to finish the fight, carry that 'unfinished' conversation to a state of acceptance. Think about it: in friendship, you accept so many things about another person. Can you find your way to this generous, compassionate embrace of their individuality, though the friend is not living? In Dear Frank, I'm Sorry You Died: writing to the deceased, the Coach suggested a method of letter writing to reach this calm state...thereby freeing you to focus on the good memories.
JULIE'S DEATH
by Paula Bowman
So there she is, beyond the pale,
And I have lost her, once again,
But I must realize that she was truly gone from me
A long, long time ago. It is nothing new.
I tried and tried to reach her,
As we all grew older, And as time went by,
But she refused to see me.
And, as often is the case with death so final,
I never thought - not once - that I would lose her all at once,
One day, All in a moment's time.
I always thought - Was I pretending?-
I would have so much to say,
When once she let me in, again,
And I thought how much I'd make it better: Everything all better.
And here she is all dead, and passed away,
With Christmas coming in two weeks,
And now I'll never say it,
But it all fills up my heart:
Is this that age-old cry,
Of those that never got a chance
To say goodbye?
December 8, 2009
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Readers may want to explore these Quick Links to other posts on the loss of a friend, including losing friends as we age, and the issue of regret:
On a personal level, the people in our daily circles: spouse, children, parents, friends and co-workers contribute to our dreams and our dramas. This is normal. Interactions at the breakfast table or coffee shop, over the phone or while sharing a commute help us grow roots and branches.
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And when a root or branch is severed by loss, a part of us seems suddenly missing. It hurts and it's confusing; it demands change and pushes us into the unknown. This upset to our equilibrium often triggers self doubt.
Overcoming inertia
While it can be a very good thing to momentarily apply the childhood street-crossing lesson, "STOP and LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING," isolating yourself with a loss should not become a habit. Sometimes, I find that visiting a fresh inspirational thought: a paragraph or poem or song--can motivate me past self doubt or inertia. Today, I offer readers a poem.
SOON
Soon it will be noon
And what have
You done?
The pool water
is smooth, you
Did not disturb
It.
The grass is high.
You sleep and it
Grows higher.
Would you like
A tall cool drink
On the veranda?
A lime garnish,
Sweat on the glass?
If you do,
Put on your shoes
And remember
Who you are.
~~~
Martin Ringwood, a Michigan poet
Care for ourselves, care for each other. Thank you for caring!
When a mammoth pine topples in the forest, it retains its anchoring grip on elements of the environment. Rocks and soil pack the lattice of roots that now face skyward. It will take decades and decades of weather and rot before a letting-go.
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How long should grief take?
The Condolence Coach has skewered some psychological models that want a quick exit to mourning. In What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereavedI highlighted the heavy burden of expectation placed on a grieving person. It seems to me, in a world that celebrates the "individual," we must acknowledge "different strokes for different folks...even when it is socially awkward.
Wearing your late husband's flannel shirt or pursuing regular paranormally-channelled conversations with your dead child are choices. Unusual comforts in griefshould not be judged more severely than the spectrum of comforts we each choose just to make it from sunrise to sunset: shopping, tattoos, exercise or extreme sports, alcohol, drugs...
Devotion or baggage?
Devotion delivers comfort but I would suggest that baggage delivers stress. If an ongoing bond with a deceased person engenders feelings of gratitude, warmth or inspiration--human growth and awareness of our interconnectedness are nurtured.
If an ongoing bond with a deceased person engenders feelings of powerlessness, obsession, guilt, anxiety, or the burden of unfinished business--harm is inflicted and human growth is stymied. This grieving person is stuck.
Helping someone get unstuck
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As you observe how the lanes of positive or negative seem to flow, remember that giving advice is tricky. In fact, the Condolence Coach wants you to avoid giving advice and instead, ask for advice! In essence, you are asking the stuck person to tap into their own inner wisdom.
"Once we stop taking guidance from all of those outside sources who tell us what we should do, we are free to explore what we want to do, what we’re meant to do, and what we’re truly capable of."
An important component of your help is to stay in the present: focusing on the present circumstances and emotions of someone who seems "stuck."
How are you today?
What are you doing to care for yourself, today?
How did thinking about [person/stuck situation/behavior] make you feel?
Is there another way to consider that [stuck situation] so it feels better?
If I was feeling the way you are now, what would you tell me to help me move forward?
"Often times when we are feeling stuck, it’s a sign that there’s an action we could be taking (or that our soul is begging us to take), but for some reason we just aren’t. Usually it’s because we are afraid. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel fearful, but it’s important to recognize that this fear is what is bringing you this feeling of “stuckness.” If this resonates with you, ask yourself what small, gentle action you can take to move yourself forward."
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"Small, gentle action" is a beautiful way to proceed. In the grieving process, you--or a person you are helping, could make a once-daily choice from a checklist such as this:
Sort belongings of the deceased into groups: donations, legacy gifts to friends and family, discards, returns to lenders or businesses (such as medical supplies), and even a group for shredding-destroying old records or extremely private, confidential material (use caution before an estate is settled--consult an accountant or attorney.)
Take action on one item or one group described above: start with an item that will warm your heart or the heart of the recipient.
Do one experience or action that you "used to" enjoy: jot a poem your journal; sit down at your piano; walk in a park, museum or gallery; pick wild raspberries; go out for coffee or an ice cream cone; get a massage, facial or manicure.
Do one experience or action that satisfies a dream: rent an RV and go somewhere; refresh an area of your home; adopt a shelter dog or cat...or learn how to volunteer at the shelter!
As Michelle points out, you may, at first, feel that your "efforts aren't working," but she encourages that positive outcomes--even 'magic' are the result of patience and positive action.
Considering the dozens--even hundreds of books you've lugged in your school bookbag or backpack over the years, there was always one missing.
There is no handbook for life.
We learn as we go: by example and by experience. This is the story of a young college student suddenly faced with the death of her dad. She wasn't given a handbook for that significant journey, either. But eleven years after the death, Michelle calls the grieving process "one of my greatest teachers."
This week’s blog feels like a bit of a doozy, but to be honest, it’s a topic that I feel like I’ve been yearning to write about for close to 10 years. Perhaps for catharsis, or for inspiration, we will see. Truthfully, the impetus and inspiration for the blog this week came from a popular television show, as odd as that might sound! I am a super fan of the show This Is Us. I find it very relatable, cathartic, and thought provoking.
For those of you who don’t watch the show, the most recent episodes dealt with a very tragic and unexpected loss of one of the main characters.The loss of this character felt devastating, and while watching I kept wondering what I would do if in that situation. How would I deal? Can you imagine one day having someone in your life and then the next day not? Unimaginable loss.
After a moment, I realized that I didn’t have to imagine too hard. I brought myself back to my own reality. That story is my story. I have been there in my own way, and it took me a minute to own that I, too, am a person who has experienced tragic, unexpected loss. But I also know that I am not alone. It happens to people every day. Likely many of us have experienced an unexpected loss, a tragedy, an injustice, a sadness…and it is brutal.
I’ll share a bit about my own story and then I’ll delve into what I know now and what I wish I’d known then.
When I was 21 and just about to go back to college for my senior year, my mom and I booked a girls trip to California. Upon arrival after a five hour flight across the country, I turned on my phone to find dozens of concerning text messages regarding the wellbeing of my dad. I will never forget returning a call from my step-dad in a chipper tone to let him know we had arrived, only for him to respond with a very stoic, “I need to speak to your mother.” I will never forget the knowingness in my gut that something was very wrong, that was shortly confirmed by my mom’s expression on the phone. No words had been spoken, but I knew. My dad has unexpectedly passed in his sleep.
I will never forget the feeling of still sitting on an airplane on the tarmac at LAX trying to come to terms with the news and also trying to figure out how on earth would we be able to get home. We luckily were able
On the flight back to Florida after we received the news.
to find a flight back east that day, however, I’ll also never forget the five hour flight back (pre-wifi days), where I had to sit with myself in silence and in shock and contemplate what had just happened to my life.
My dad was a huge part of my life, we had our issues of course, but he was one of my favorite people.
It feels like there is nothing that can prepare you for events such as these, but I’ve learned so much stemming from that day close to 11 years ago, on loss, grief, acceptance, growth, rage, and a whole slew of emotions. I’ve been a witness to its process. It’s probably been my biggest teacher.
So when I watched this TV show recently, and witnessed this loss again, it took me back to that moment on the plane, and it got me thinking. Tragedy is everywhere, and it feels insurmountable when it’s happening. Losses can rock us to our core, bring us to our knees, and immediately change the courses of our lives. There’s no way around it.
So I asked myself, what would I have wished I had known before life took it’s turn?
This is what I came up with:
Life is fragile.It sounds cliche but when it happens to you, you know that in any moment life can go upside down. Though much easier to do in retrospect, try to take in and savor the moments of your life that are unfolding right now.
Me and my dad (circa 1987)
Life is a gift.This really puts a lot into perspective for me. I find the pettiness and shallowness of ordinary life falls away when I remember that it is a blessing to be alive, especially with loved ones surrounding me.
Life is messy. It’s silly to expect every day to be rainbows and butterflies. The bad isn’t necessarily bad. It’s preparation. Take each hit and learn from it, you never know the value it will bring you in the future.
Life has purpose.Every moment is brought to us for a reason. We are living our own unique lives on purpose. Our stories are precious and our paths are unchartered.
Life is unpredictable.We just don’t know when life will swoop us up and change our course, so be present, be gracious, be passionate, and be grateful. Life is ever changing, this moment never stays the same.
After writing all this down, I then thought it might be nice to give you a little bonus!
It’s great to have the lessons before, but it’s also really helpful to know the biggest lessons learned after too.
There are no rules to heartbreak.You don’t have to follow anyone’s mold of how to cope. Allow yourself to feel in your own time, space, and pace.
The new normal is uncomfortable. When managing a loss it’s very uncomfortable because there is something in your life that is missing, that can’t return. It’s a new normal. Be gentle with yourself and you slowly acquaint yourself with life as it is now.
Reflect back, but don’t live there.I can’t tell you how many times I’ve relived moments with my dad. Sometimes it feels very torturous, sometimes cathartic. Allow yourself to take in the memories, but try not to live there. Hold close to what has happened, but be present in the now.
Don’t compare yourself to anyone else’s journey.There are times that I have downplayed my own heartbreak because in my mind it wasn’t “tragic enough.” Whatever that means. If you’re going through something that’s difficult for you, it’s exactly that. Difficult for you. It doesn’t matter the degree of difficulty. Comparison in heartbreak is a game that no one wins.
Allow yourself to feel.After my dad died I was really an emotional mess. I was young and going through a lot and had a lot of emotions. Sometimes I would get down on myself for “not being over it yet.” I vividly remember someone close to me saying that I get a whole year after he died to just cope. That brought me a sense of relief in the moment, but when that year passed I thought to myself, “Does this mean I all of a sudden have to act as if I’m okay”? The truth is the feelings are always just below the surface, even now, and I no longer try to push them away. When they come, I feel them, but I don’t let them consume me.
Get help as often as needed.Having a trusted team of support is crucial. I would not be a functioning human if it wasn’t for my family, my counselors, my therapists, my coaches, and my true friends. And I have no problem being vulnerable enough to ask for their help, when I need it. Even now. This also goes for outside the times of crisis, but especially true in these circumstances.
The last birthday that I was able to celebrate with my dad (2006).
Cultivate a new relationship on your own terms.It wouldn’t be a Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life blog without a little bit of woo. One of the most comforting aspects of losing a loved one is the ability to cultivate a relationship even after they’ve passed. I still talk to my dad, I ask for signs from him. We have a new relationship now, and it’s absolutely perfect. He is my cheerleader on the other side, and he helps me in so many ways. So if you’ve lost someone, you can miss their physicality, but remember you can still have them in spirit.
Phew! I told you this one would be a doozy! I really hope that any of you who have experienced a loss or something of this nature finds some sort of comfort from this blog. Please remember that this is all my own personal experience and not meant to be an all-encompassing “how-to” but simply my take on it all.
xo
Michelle
The Condolence Coach confesses... I was tired of reflexively clicking on one or two news sites only to scroll through a sea of stories about humans behaving badly! With a simple keyword search, I discovered the antidote to trashy news. Read more gentle wisdom to "make your everyday life an inspired life" at Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.org
To learn more about supporting a grieving teen: Condolence to Teens Share this story... and Thank you for caring!
I have a strong suspicion that many readers have not considered writing a condolence note to a relative. Do you recognize these 6 excuses?
We see each other a lot.
I just saw them at the service.
We call, text, or Facebook each other.
Writing seems so formal.
I'd rather give a hug than a letter.
They'll find out I'm not a writer.
When Grandma died in the airport
I do write condolences to relatives, and readers of my book remember the story of Grandma's death in an airport restroom. Awful, right? Now imagine how frightened, panicked, and devastated her family felt. Grandpop and my father waited in the terminal while my mother accompanied her mother to the ladies room. "I don't feel well. I need to sit down," moaned Grandma as she sunk to the floor. Being a practical woman, she unpinned her 'corset money' from an undergarment, which she earned from bead and crochet crafts, and handed it to her daughter. My mother felt so powerless to render comfort other than her presence. And by the time an EMT team arrived, Grandma had succumbed to the heart attack.
Yes, I wrote a note to my mother! It's in the book. For losses spanning human, pet, job and other difficult life circumstance, I have written condolences to my father, siblings, sisters-and-mother-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins.
Relatives are people, too
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The reasons for writing a condolence are universal. You are striving to lend support and a few moments of comfort. You have many advantages in being a relative: you likely have one or several special memories--including photos, to share; in fact, your relationship and likely interactions with the deceased are unique, increasing the likelihood of a unique memory! Did your uncle recognize an interest or talent and give you a nurturing gift? Did you pet-sit for your sister's cat and discover something special in its golden-eyed gaze? Did your brother-in-law help you move after a divorce? These memories can be shared, thanks and appreciation can be expressed. Did you watch your aging mother-in-law make--and lose--friend after friend?
The comfort that your note delivers does not--should not--be wrapped in complex, philosophical or religious explanations. You are 'off the hook' to take away pain, map out the future, or give wise advice. Just be sincere. Now, more than ever, real handwritten, hold-in-the-hand condolences are treasures. They are re-read during quiet and lonely times; they are shared with others; they provide what the digital age cannot.
6 Tips for writing to a relative
Let me caution you: if you think that buying a lovely card and writing "so sorry for your loss, she will be missed" is adequate, please click on the links peppered throughout this post for a quick, comprehensive review of condolence writing. You don't need to use all 6 tips at once. Think about the deceased and the recipient, then listen to your heart.
Acknowledge the loss and express sympathy: "I am so sorry this day has come; Terry's death leaves an empty space."
Acknowledge the relationship: "Your sister, Mary, knew she could count on you."
Share a classic, well known memory: "Bailey's greeting at the door always made me smile."
Share a personal/unique memory: "Uncle Rick saw my creative side and gave me a set of pastel crayons." (Never break a confidence, or share cruel or embarrassing memories.)
Offer encouragement and/or help: "I know you're facing a big job to ready the house for sale, so remember: my truck and my time are at your service."
Express gratitude for the recipient or deceased: "You were so supportive to Elsa, especially when she couldn't feed herself; it taught me a lot about compassion."
Which relative should I write to?
Who is the next-of-kin? Who do you have a connection to? If you are closer to your cousin than to your aunt who just lost her husband, it's okay to write to your cousin; he or she will probably share the note.
Should I write to more than one relative?
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You certainly can, but don't feel pressured to blow through a 12-pack of note cards. While considering which relative to write to, your heart will put checkmarks by those you want to express sympathy to. Attending a visitation or service allows you to touch base with many people, which can 'winnow' the roster of notes. Review your memories and your emotional, heartfelt responses; if you feel the impulse, writing two or three simple and caring notes is lovely.
When should I write?
We write condolence notes even when we attend services. If you can be present for gatherings, consider delaying your note until after; you will return to your desk ready to share feelings and observations with enriched awareness of:
the scope of a family and community's shared affection
life details you did not know such as quiet achievements and talents, branch of military service, significant dates
"You didn't waste any time," was my mother's emailed response. I'd sent a photo while on a run in a beautiful canyon-n-cacti recreation area...a place I'd just begun to call home after a 2,000 mile drive. My packed SUV included the company of Ava, our Maine Coon mix, who tested all possible perch surfaces during the drive: crate, center console, driver's lap, and lastly, a crevice beneath the cargo area requiring a complicated extraction at the end of each day. After 5 days of that, why would I waste any time, once the apartment key was on my ring? I woke before dawn (the light of which starts at the top of the mountains and drops down their sides), assessed the desert chill and ran for the saguaro 'forest', waiting nearby.
An often-used accusation
While my mother's expression was loving, "you didn't waste any time" has been blurted out countless times when a bereaved person makes unexpected choices. My friend, "Trina", had mourned her husband during his terminal illness. While a caregiver observes the body's weakening, the dwindling and cessation of interests and activities, there may be a detachment.
In their 2011 book, The Caregiver's Tao Te Ching, William and Nancy Martin apply the 81 meditations of the Tao to the complicated and often unpredictable journey of giving care. Readers may have seen numerous topics turned into books with an overlay of Tao. The Martins identify these commonalities:
"Caregiving and the Tao...each ask that we show up and have a direct experience of life as it is unfolding in this moment...each seems unpredictable...each contains paradoxes that our desires and opinions cannot resolve..."
Interpreting meditation 66, "Remain Behind," the Martins advises caregivers: "help them but do not control them...the river of the Tao runs through them, stay out of the way and let that river do its work." In doing so, peace and acceptance arrive like the flutter of a gentle breeze.
Baffling Outsiders
The caregiving experience is profound and life changing, and if that "gentle breeze" is adopted as lifestyle, choices and decisions may indeed baffle outsiders. When death finally took Trina's husband, she sent the gathered friends and family home, arranged for "Richard's" cremation, "and I went to bed for a week." She followed that unscripted week by opening the newspaper's community events calendar and "began filling my days."
Should Trina have been cleaning closets and crying in counseling? SHOULD is a problem word, and readers of this blog recently recalled the cruelty of Victorian era proscripts for appropriate mourning. 'Getting back into life' (a catchy jingle for an adult diaper brand) after a loved one's death is a Catch-22. Outsiders grow weary of coddling mourners yet they are also shocked by quick recoveries.
Re-attachment and remarriage
Three years after the fact, Sharlene's voice still carries stress as she describes her father, Edward's adjustment to widowhood: "within six months he was remarried." Edward is very typical. The San Diego Widowhood Project correlated "greater psychological well being" with a new meaningful relationship.
"By 25 months after the spouse's death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance."
This phenomenon relentlessly draws negative conclusions, whether about the competency of the widow or the motives of a new partner. Sharlene's family was so disturbed by the haste of the impending nuptuals, they had the woman (also a widow) investigated. There was no persuading Edward to slow down. Extravagant purchases and lifestyle changes were being made, but Sharlene's family was powerless to intervene. "We had to let it go. We had to restore our relationships with my Dad, for everyone's sake, especially the grandkids."
It is so important to audit every sentence of condolence writing for "gremlin power plays."
You cannot fix, advise, persuade, condemn, cajole, or shame a grieving person onto the path you believe they should take. Even if you have experienced an identical loss, your expertise is not required. Share it in a support group, offer an opinion if asked, but remember it is only an opinion formed by your own circumstances. IT IS NOT AN ABSOLUTE TRUTH. Trina reserved a portion of Richard's ashes and has taken them on all of her travels; he has joined the sea and soil of many countries. Readers may be interested to know that the U.S. National Park Service allows, by permit, the scattering of ashes from cremated human remains. There are usually no fees, but the "special use permit" should be obtained from the desired park. She honored one son's wishes that there be a 'permanent place to visit his father,' by purchasing a double niche in a mausoleum of his hometown, where a custom designed urn is displayed. "It's a little strange to see my name on a plaque," Trina said with a smile because, in the words of Robert Frost, she has "miles to go before I sleep." Life "unfolded" for Edward and Trina at a unique pace, with outcomes that met their needs. The Condolence Coach encourages readers to gently observe and support the flow of another person's river. Read other posts about the time it takes to grieve: The Myths About Grief and Getting Over It
and Climbing Out of Deep Space: through and beyond grief Thank you for caring!
Death is not an 'occasion' but it is a good reason to buy a card.
Large Sympathy rack at Walgreens
Walgreens has expanded its map of U.S. locations, maximizing the convenience of an on-the-fly card purchase. They place the' LOUD & BRIGHT' racks at the start. Keep going. You will not find a Condolence Coach-approved card in this zone.
Gift cards for the store have been attached to most of the big card racks. Gift cards do not belong in a condolence note.
Don't overlook endcaps
I encourage readers to adopt the Boy Scout motto: "Be prepared!", by choosing one of the cost effective packages of blank cards hanging on an endcap display. The Hallmark options, around $5.99 for a pack of 20, include blank, embossed, subdued...choose a style that is calming.
I LOVE SHOPPING FOR CARDS AND STATIONERY (though I cringe at some of their prices,) so if I don't see what I want in my personal stationery box, out I go.
What do I look for in a sympathy card? Two elements: design/art and printed verse/message should convey your personal style but more importantly: it should feel compatible with the grieving person and circumstances of the loss. You'll know it's the right one when you find it.
Avoid splashy, crazy, chaotic designs, and plee-e-e-e-ze: no musical or recordable message cards!!
But wait! Don't just write "I'm sorry" and sign it! What's memorable about that? Set the card aside and, on a plain sheet of paper, start composing a message. Use the name of the deceased, make note of the relationship--and qualities you admired in the deceased or the bereaved.
One of the most important condolence skills I can coach, is: do not try to explain, fix, or heal the loss. It is not in your power to do so, it is not expected, and your well-intentioned suggestions will not be appreciated ... just "care" ... care enough to write that condolence note.
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