Grow Up! The Condolence Basics You Need Now. Part 1

Grow Up! 

How many times did you hear that before you were 25? Are you still hearing it in your 30's or 40's? If so, someone is trying to persuade you toward mature choices. "Grow up!" is a verbal face slap, taking you by the figurative shoulders for a shake and command: it's time to think of somebody other than yourself.  "But I do think of others!"  you protest. The Condolence Coach agrees and believes you are trying, but...

If you're stalled on the playground plateau of just playing nicely, mastering condolence skills will launch you off the swings and onto solid grown-up ground.

[Author photo]

This post reaches into the Condolence Note Coach archives to quickly deliver the basics you need now. Clicking on the post link will flesh out the concept, but if you need a 5 minute crash course, here it is.

1. Beyond 'I'm Sorry'  You can't change the circumstances facing your friend, co-worker, neighbor, cousin or client...but there is an additional way to communicate sympathy long after the loss:  a memorable condolence note.  


2. FAQ's  It is never too late to send a note. Never. The death remains a fact in your [friend or] co-worker's life and, in a year's time, the stream of sympathies has likely dried up. Your note will be a gift. Don't Rush Your Condolence Note  Waiting can enhance the note you will write…as you have opportunities to gather a little information, view photos, hear stories.

3. To Have Another Birthday is a Privilege  We are powerless over the loss and subsequent pain, but saying "I'm sorry" and applying a sincere hug or handshake is an act you DO have power over. You have the power to express that you care.

4. In A Better Place  It is never appropriate for you to offer a platitude such as "she's in a better place." But if the grieving express this to you, a lovely reply might be:  "I'm glad that is a comfort to you."

5. Death Doesn't Take a Holiday  Can sympathy be commingled with seasonal greetings during holidays and other special days? It can’t.  Should traditional messages be set aside? Yes.

6. Condolence After a Suicide  Survivors of suicide [family of the deceased] have great need of compassionate, non-judgmental words. Acknowledge a normal life, once lived: share a memory or tell a kind story.

7.  When Children Die
A good condolence acknowledges the pain and offers to listen. The note says that you are praying for comfort, but does not tell the recipient to. You pen a sweet memory and hope to hear some of theirs. Grow in awareness and sensitivity: do some reading about the grief experiences of parents.

8. When a Pet Dies  DO NOT ask when they will get another pet. Period. 

9. Supporting Grieving Teens  Journaling or writing poetry is one of the most widely suggested tools for teens to process grief. Consider a “condolence gift” of a blank book or journal. Write a question on the first page, like: "How did you feel when you heard the news?"

 10.  Supporting Someone with a Terminal Illness  Remember this: until you are dead, you are alive.  Recognize the life, the day-by-day simple moments of the person you write to. Embrace the opportunity to say thank you, to ask for a story, to appreciate a sunrise, a funny pet, a song.

So, did you notice that writing condolence is about supporting survivors? The Coach invites you to read The Mourners Bill of Rights   One of the grown-up skills you are adopting is COMPASSION. Living compassionately, daily, is a standout characteristic. You will be astonished by how it changes you!

Thank you for caring!

When Kids Have To Be Brave: Help from The Hero Project

The Caper!

Source

I first introduced readers to Capes For Kids when I celebrated the importance of children caring about other children. My post, Youth Making a Difference: Capes for Kids told the story of a Livonia, Michigan kindergarten class raising money for an organization that gave superhero style capes to hospitalized kids.

What a great caper! Who's idea was this? I spoke with Courtney Kibble, program director for The Hero Project. She explained that the project began in 2012 when a group of women were brought together to create a fundraising body in support of the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital at St. Vincent. 
Located in Indianapolis, Indiana, the hospital opened in 2003 to provide a full range of pediatric services in a setting that is "kid-sized and child friendly." When a hospital is focused on the holistic wellbeing of a child--physical, emotional, and spiritual--it must view the world through young eyes to be effective.

"We created everything from the ground up, with the support of the St.Vincent Foundation. Kids grow up on superheroes; their excitement in mimicking them is empowering. Our goal was for every child who spends the night at the hospital to receive a cape. We have achieved that goal, and our group and vision keeps expanding by leaps and bounds!"  Courtney Kibble

CNN reporter, Henry Hanks, explored this devotion to superheroes and quoted one child:

"They have super powers, strength, and they are brave. They always do the right things. They battle against evil. Superheroes give you strength!"

• Super powers
• Strength
• Bravery
• Battling evil
• Doing the right thing

...That's a near-perfect list of qualities for fighting illness.

The power of a cape.

Courtney explained that one of the first tasks after admission is giving a free cape to the child. "We partner with the hospital's Child Life Specialists, who work with the patients, daily."

The goal of a Child Life Specialist is to "minimize stress and anxiety through play and other resources to promote wellness; expression of feelings; and understanding of the the health care experience." 

[Source]

Keeping the serious side of medicine out of the room allows positive energy to flow unimpeded. And even when 'invasive and painful procedures' must be performed, children are 'educated, prepared, and distracted.' There are no frightening or traumatic surprises.

Courtney Kibble has observed the power of a cape.

"It truly is remarkable. The capes are incredibly comfortable and are like security blankets. They have given children the strength to get through getting an IV, having a CAT scan, and to even get out of bed and walk down the hall. 

"The one story I will never forget is one of our early patients who received a cape. He loved his cape so much that he asked to be buried in it.  Sadly, he was, but it truly touched my heart to know how important it became to him."

Courtney is a mom, and experienced the fear and stress when one's child requires serious care. "My son was hospitalized several times as a toddler and young boy and I know just how hard it can be to entertain a child, let alone make him comfortable and happy.  If our capes make even one child smile a day, it is completely worth all we do!"

How are capes created?

Providing every child with a handcrafted cape takes time and talent. Courtney explained that capes for patients are created by volunteer groups across Indiana and beyond.  "We have had corporate groups, girl scout troops, high school key clubs, science classes, a college marching band, college fashion design classes and even a women’s prison participate in making capes! The capes are mostly the no-sew variety, but we provide instructions for sewn and non-sewn capes on our website."

Why not turn all children into Superheroes?

The enthusiastic reception to Capes For Kids made the next step a natural fit to expand fundraising. "We created a store on our website where anyone may purchase SuperHero gear: capes, masks, cuffs, and tutus. Customization is available, too. All items are professionally made by a skilled seamstress in Martinsville, Indiana, and all proceeds go to the Peyton Manning Children’s Hospital. The orders come from all over and we have even had inquiries about starting a Hero Project in other states to support other children’s hospitals."

The SuperHero Cape as a Children's Condolence Gift:

Helping a child be brave 

Visiting with Courtney, the Condolence Coach suddenly realized that the empowering benefits of wearing a cape can extend to a grieving child. We have discussed condolence gifts in other posts; here is a new option! 

Thanks to The Hero Project's Create A Cape page, creating a Super Hero Cape is easy for sewers and non-sewers. And if you enjoy the project, consider making an extra cape for The Hero Project.

Sewing Method: How to sew a Super-Hero Cape

Non-Sewing Method: How to make a no-sew super hero cape

Presenting your Super Hero gift to a child should be done in a simple way:

• Arrange with a parent to leave it in their bedroom, with a note, "For you, love ___"
• Wrap it in a box or bag and hand it to them, saying, "this might be fun."
• Send it as a package through the mail, with a little note, "Does this fit you?"

Other Condolence Gift Ideas:

The Gift of a Memory Box Kit

The Gift of a Journal

The Gift of Home Baked Goods

When Grandparents Grieve

[Source: Heather, Openphoto]

Sometimes, grandparents are blindsided by the death of a grandchild. 

In The Grief of Grandparents, a brochure produced by The Compassionate Friends, it is dubbed:

A double loss.

Deeply saddened, often angry and frustrated by the circumstances of the death, a grandparent must also helplessly endure their child's mourning. 

[Source]

Whether the grandchild is 2, 12 or 22, the death is a shock.

He's 6 But Won't Turn 7: Joy at the mailbox

He turned 6 on July 25th. He likely won't turn 7. 

[Source]

Fighting an inoperable brain tumor trumped kindergarten for Danny Nickerson. Days at home get long--and lonely.

What do you want for your birthday, honey?" mom, Carley, asked. She pictured herself visiting the store displays of Lego and Super Mario that her son loved. His surprising response:
a mailbox full of birthday cards! 

Angels Above Baby Gowns: Soothing A Terrible Loss

November 2017 UPDATE:  In the words of founder, Dawn, "Angels Above Baby Gowns is still going strong. We are now in over 350 hospitals and in 5 countries. We grow bigger everyday."

IT IS A BUSY THURSDAY MORNING as I pull to the curb of Dawn's home. Garbage trucks rumble nearby, and Blue, her adoring companion, eagerly waits for me to enter the yard's gate. I am here to meet the Michigan founder of

ANGELS ABOVE BABY GOWNS

"It's not about us, it's about helping families."

A gentle hug 'hello' continues the relationship we began on the phone. Face to face, the glow of peace and wholeness from Dawn Lafferty is remarkable. 

You would never guess that only a few years ago, she emerged from an abusive marriage, betrayal, fraud, and multiple fragile health concerns and yet:  she glows.

Propelled by a driving energy that belies her disabilities, Dawn proudly navigates the busy sewing quarters of her basement, plucking up and distributing supplies to volunteers.

 "I'm not lonely now...I've never felt younger!"

THE STORY BEGINS less than two months ago, when Dawn read an article about a woman who created burial gowns for babies who never left the hospital. 
Grieving parents sought a dignified farewell for their precious child, born premature. Ready-made clothing for such tiny babies is nearly impossible to find, but a trip to heaven requires more than a diaper!

The compelling need touched Dawn deeply. Not finding a Michigan organization to assist, she launched ANGELS ABOVE BABY GOWNS.

Dawn retired early, for medical reasons. Leaving a corporate career, she had more time for her love of sewing.  "I started sewing when I was 10--taught by my Mom. She made all the clothes for the seven of us."

Dawn is the volunteer Costume Organizer for the Grosse Pointe Theater;  She creates hundreds of costumes for several plays each year. This Spring, the production of Les Miserables required over 300 costumes to be designed, sewn and fitted for each actor!  And when the theater is dark, Dawn's sewing room is not: "I sew every day-- alterations for family and members of the community senior center."

When parked at a sewing machine, Dawn straight-stitches gown seams with expert swiftness, but tender care. She stands up at a serger overlocking machine to finish seam allowances:  no frayed edges for her Angels!

Volunteer, Wuneetha, mother of two and Coney Island waitress, is here because "my nephew, Matthew, was an angel baby." She describes the grief of her sister, D'aun, who puts balloons on her son's grave, each month. "A child is growing inside you; you've given your heart. Their death is devastating." 

Before beginning my assignment of packaging gowns for delivery to hospitals and hospices,
Karen Herzog arrives to donate her wedding gown.

Transforming a gown is exciting

Lace and beading are harvested

Patterns are applied and cut from the silk and satin

"Let the little children come to me"  Matthew 19:14

Exquisite details create a precious gown for baby

Varying in sizes, each is unique

What do grieving parents find helpful or hurtful?

Wendy has experienced several miscarriages and a newborn's death. A board member of Friends Supporting Parents, she shares:  

"Our hearts broke the moment hers stopped, and to this day, remain broken. People feel uncomfortable with death, and even more so with a child/infant death.

After a while, we begin to feel alone."

 She encourages grieving parents to find peer support. Wendy has been attending Friends Supporting Parents since 2010 and describes the comfort: "we are surrounded by people who know and who care because they've been there too. We continue to come because we can be authentic about our grief. And, everyone gets it."

The Condolence Coach says:

• Let's understand that a miscarriage IS a baby lost. Your note to the parents can acknowledge that. This is the time to step up with assistance because a physical trauma to the mother, has also occurred: 
• I can see [or hear] how devastated you are; take good care of yourself.
• How can I help you at this time? Would you like me to____?  It is best to go ahead and make practical offers such as helping with other children, grocery shopping, meal preparation, even cleaning or gardening.
• Don't pry, but be a good listener: This is so sad. Would you like to tell me about the baby [or name]?
• Do not interject assumptions or advice other than: 
•  I know how excited you were to bring the baby [or name] home. 
• This is hard for your whole family.
• You've been through so much. Take care of yourself.
• Maybe the hospital gave you a referral, but I've read about a local support group; would you like their information?

This link provides more resources for parents grieving the death of a baby.

Contact or Follow Angels Above Baby Gowns on Facebook

More Resources from The Condolence Coach:
I was inspired to write about Angels Above Baby Gowns by a woman who lost two grandchildren by miscarriage. Now, I know more about her loss: When Grandparents Grieve

Read more heartwarming and heartwrenching stories of Angels Above Baby Gowns:
 Someday I'll Meet My Brothers,  Delivery At a Birthing Center,   A Time to Tear and A Time to Mend,  and Heartbeats and Lightening Bolts

Readers may also wish to visit this post about baby and children's death:  Two Too Many: Gone But Never Forgotten
When siblings experience the death of a baby brother or sister, these posts may provide good condolence guidance:  Grieving Children, Part 1,  and  Grieving Children, Part 2.
This post is a good review of responding to any child's death: 5 Things to Say When Death Strikes the Young

Grieving parents may find comfort in this peer blog:  Wanted Chosen Planned 

Your friends will thank you for Sharing this post.  I thank you for caring!

Grieving Children: Part 2 The Memory Box Condolence Gift

Do children grieve? 

Punk Bird by Suzy St.John

Yes, of course. Children and teens have complex feelings and reactions to crises and changes. Children will grieve the loss of a family member by death or divorce, the loss of a friend, a pet, even a treasured toy.  This post is the second in a series on understanding--and effectively supporting--children who are mourning a death. Are you as shocked as I, to read: 

"One in 10 children under the age of 18 will experience the death of a parent. In Michigan, that statistic represents 117,000 children grieving a parent’s death, while thousands more grieve the death of a sibling or other loved one."

[Source: Ele's Place and U.S. Census Bureau]

 One of the fears commonly expressed by grieving children is about forgetting their loved one.

If I forget her, it will be like she never existed. Once forgotten, the heart will have a cold, dark and empty corner; it is a dreadful prospect for anyone, at any age.

Images, mementos, and memories

provide an important assurance and comfort.

An important step in grief work, especially for children, is to learn a new way to "maintain a connection to the people who were important in their life." At Ele's Place, a Healing Center for Grieving Children and Teens in Michigan, many participants decorate wooden [or other] boxes to hold treasured memories.

Simple beginnings for a memory box; click this link for instructions.

A Memory Box (with the supplies to decorate it) can make a wonderful condolence gift.  In addition to a blank box, supplies may include:

• markers and paint
• craft paper
• glue
• beads and letters
• stickers
• fabric and trims

Source:  see footnote 1

Source:  see footnote 2

Source:  see footnote 3

Any art therapist will tell you:  when children are creative, they are expressing--and processing, feelings. Encouraging them to do this--and providing resources, is very empowering during an otherwise powerless time.

Your Memory Box Condolence Gift should include a note with an explanation of the materials, and a few supportive thoughts.

Explanation of the materials:  You have many wonderful memories of [name or relationship,] and they are treasures! With these supplies, you can make a Memory Box to keep those treasures safe.

Supportive thoughts:

• Dear Jonah, my favorite memory with your Mom was going canoeing... If I find a picture, will you put it in your Memory Box?
• Dear Susan, your Dad dying is probably the hardest thing in your life. I can't make it hurt less, but I can help you hold his wonderful memory close. If you want to, we can make the boxes next Saturday!

I want to thank my friend, artist, Suzy St. John for permission to use her amazing art. I chose her painting, PUNK BIRD for this post because its black background reminds me that life circumstances can sometimes be very dark. With the support of caring people (you!) we find the strength, the wings, the spirit to soar above difficult times. 

Share this post... and thanks for caring!

FOOTNOTES:  memory box image sources:

1. http://babyccinokids.com/blog/2010/06/03/mosaic-memory-box-travel-with-kids-part-ii/
2. http://www.obseussed.com/2012/01/teacher-appreciation-ideas-memory-box.html
3. http://play2grow.co.za/blog/2011/05/kites-charity-uk-how-do-children-cope-with-the-death-of-a-loved-one-part-2

Grieving Children: Part 1 Feeling and Healing at Ele's Place

"Red Balloon" by Suzy St. John

Do children grieve? 

Yes, of course. Children and teens have complex feelings and reactions to crises and changes. Children will grieve the loss of a family member by death or divorce, the loss of a friend, a pet, even a treasured toy. 
This post is the first in a series on understanding--and effectively supporting--children who are mourning a death. Are you as shocked as I, to read:

 "One in 10 children under the age of 18 will experience the death of a parent. In Michigan, that statistic represents 117,000 children grieving a parent’s death, while thousands more grieve the death of a sibling or other loved one."

[Source: Ele's Place and U.S. Census Bureau]

Reactions are in direct proportion to the child’s maturity and ability to comprehend essential facts. 

‘Essential facts’ are delivered at the discretion of the adults in their lives. Protective, wary of inflicting psychological harm, adults sometimes veil facts of a death with words like sleeping, lost, gone. A child’s imagination works diligently to fit those terms into their limited universe of understanding:  When will Grandpa wake up? Did I do something bad to make Mommy die? I don't want to take a trip but never come home like Daddy!  To reduce confusion and anxiety, experts advise telling a child about a death using simple language, avoiding unnecessary medical detail. Ele's Place, a Healing Center for Grieving Children and Teens, suggests: "death means the body no longer works, and the person who died cannot come back."

It's okay to feel angry

I recently took a Tour of the Heart at the Lansing, Michigan Ele's Place (pronounced El-ee), the first children's grief center in Michigan. Established in 1991 and serving well over 200 children and teens each week, the center conducts support groups and activities allowing kids a safe place to explore and express feelings.

The 'LET IT ALL OUT ZONE'
 is a safe place

Sandbox play to understand funerals and burial

Feeling 'upside down' is hard

Children gain immeasurable support by being in the company of other grieving kids. At Ele's Place, the flow of families into the process is ongoing. Children arrive feeling raw or numb and hear other kids talk about fears, ask questions, and describe ways they are learning to move forward.

Families can check out books for all ages from Ele's Place library

The Condolence Coach has written about the benefit of Condolence Gifts such as a journal for teens, so I asked Program Director and Social Worker, Sarah Rockstad, LMSW, about giving a book to a grieving child. "It's a great idea because a child can read it, find comfort with it at their own pace; and some are written as workbooks," she explained. 

This book list appears in Ele's Place downloadable .pdf brochure, How to Help a Grieving Child

Ages 8 to 12:  Coping with Death and Grief

by Marge Heegaard

Children tell their own stories of loss, helping to reassure the reader that he or she is not alone. 

* for parents: The Grieving Child—A Parent’s Guide

by Helen Fitzgerald

An excellent guide to understanding and helping children cope with grief.

Ages 12 and up:  Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers

by Earl Grollman

Easy to read, straight-forward information about handling grief. 

Ages 6 to 12:  What on Earth Do You Do

When Someone Dies?

by Trevor Romain

A helpful, informative book for kids about their experiences following a death. 

* for parents: Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One

by William C. Kroen, Ph.D.

A brief, helpful guide for parents answering frequently-asked questions.

Ages 3 to 8:  Lifetimes

by Brian Mellonie & Robert Ingpen

A gentle explanation of the life cycle in nature. 

When preparing a CONDOLENCE GIFT, remember to include your note. 

For the teen's journal gift, the Condolence Coach suggested writing a thought and a question on the first page. For a book gift, a very brief inscription is all that is needed. The well-chosen book will, in many ways, speak for you. Your book inscription could say:

 To Emma, my dear niece. This book is a hug from me, when I can't be there. Love, Aunt Chris 

Dear CJ, always remember how much your Dad loved you. He told me that a lot!  Jack

You are an awesome girl, Nicole. I know you like books, so read this to your sister when she feels sad. Lots of love, Mrs. Johnstone

"Sisters" by Suzy St. John

Please visit the second in this series of posts: Grieving Children Part-2, the Memory Box Condolence Gift

As always, wouldn't a friend find this post helpful? Please Share it, and thank you for caring!

Youth Making a Difference: Capes for Kids

I usually end my posts with Thank you for caring! 

Today, let's start there, with a shout out to Youth Making a Difference. 

Source

International in scope, I discovered the Livonia Schools' program in a newspaper story. One photo, captioned:  "Kindergartener, [name,]worked on a project called Capes for Kids" tugged at my heartstrings and imagination.

When you're six years old, your ability to change the world is very small. It might involve putting toys and clothes back where they belong. If it's a task outside the house, your Mom has to say 'okay' and 'be home by supper.'

So, some schoolkids in one town decided to raise money to support Capes for Kids, which is part of The Hero Project at the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital in Indianapolis, Indiana. Many other great causes were also supported.

Youth Making a Difference "attempts to involve K-12 in volunteerism" by helping kids understand how little kindnesses make the world a better place. The Livonia Public Schools' Parent Teacher Student Association (PTSA) has a list of tasks ranging from shoveling snow for a neighbor and helping a teacher, to recycling cans and filling bird feeders. One of the noted benefits of volunteer service is:

"to learn and value cooperation, caring, empathy, generosity and concern for others."

The Condolence Coach believes that caring kids have a pretty good chance of growing up to be caring adults.

Two Too Many: Gone but Never Forgotten

Meet Laura and Danny   

Every day, their mother, Phyllis, thinks of them...blows them kisses...

and carries on living without them.

Condolence To Teens

You know that teenagers have a lot going on.

[Source]

Some of their "stuff" is on the outside:

• physical changes
• social imperatives like activities and choice of clothes
• the smart phone appendage
• academic life
• work and cash flow

However, take a cue from a passing iceberg: what's on the surface is a fraction of what's important to a teenager...

Death Under 45

Anthony Tran,
unsplash.com

Do your emotional reactions to news of a death, vary with the age of the deceased? I find that mine do. It is not a sliding scale of caring, but a human assumption at work: life is supposed to progress from infancy to old age.

Sifting through emotions is part of the process of writing condolence notes.  

In this 4-part series, I will:

• Paint a generalized picture of an age group
• Explore common reactions to death in that age group, and
• Suggest the best condolence elements for notes to survivors.

Author Image

PART 1: Condolence Writing for a Death Under Age 45

This age group as I define it, are the young-to-established adults who usually have created some order and structure to their world. He or she likely has one (or more) job, one (or more) child, and a busy life! Death is a sharp—even traumatic disruption to survivors’ lives.

Reactions (these may be your private thoughts, not parts of a note)

• He/she is too young
• It’s awful and tragic
• How could this health crisis occur
• Should I be concerned about my health
• How will the survivors go on/get by

Best Condolence Elements

• Acknowledge the loss “the world feels upside down”
• Acknowledge a quality of the family unit “I admire how you support each others' different activities…”
• Acknowledge a quality of the deceased “ (name) had the biggest heart for …”
• Share a memory “I remember when (name) and I …"
• Consider/offer a contribution to the family (financial/assistance) "Can I help you get the kids to school?"
• Share steps you may take to regain peace  “I’m going to start volunteering at…”

Author Image

I learn a lot about myself each time I consider the life of –and my reactions to—a death. This is certainly one of the gifts we have been given by the person who died.

What have you learned during these losses? 

Thank you for caring and sharing!