The 5-Step Good Life: Make Condolence Notes a Habit

American psychologist, Martin Seligman, coached that there are 5 components of a "good life." 

Using the acronym, PERMA    [Source]  he theorized that we can  control our sense of well being with the following habits:

Positive emotion — every night before sleep, write down 3 things that went well, and why

Engagement — rather than taking shortcuts, apply your best skills, ("highest strengths") to any task

Relationships — connect with people--the levels of intimacy will vary, but avoid isolation

Meaning — find where you belong, to serve something bigger than your own agenda

Achievement — determination is the key to any endeavor

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The best part of this theory is the discovery about habits. Seligman laughingly gives the example of the pleasure in eating ice cream-- before you know it, it's gone, and another carton soon winds up in your freezer!

Because positive emotions feel so good, their origins can easily become habits. 

The general idea of "habit" can be daunting or delightful.

Your morning coffee enticed you out of a warm bed, but knowing you must "put in your time" on the treadmill elicits a groan.Writing condolence notes will always take some time. They require an investment of heartfelt focus.

These are the sources of positive emotions by regularly writing notes:

• Perhaps you had a conversation with the bereaved during the illness that resulted in death, or at the funeral service. Listening is an act of kindness, a comforting acknowledgement of your friend and their concerns. This connection adds value to the note you will write.
• Your note is like a gift that arrives unexpectedly in the mail. Its recipient can sit down for a few minutes to read, and feel bathed in a aura of caring. 
• More times than I can count, I am eventually told how much my note was appreciated. People use expressions like, "I'll keep it forever," "I've read it so many times," "I showed it to my mother." 

THE COACH DISCUSSES THIS THEME IN THESE POSTS:

Why Is Sympathy Sweet?

Ithaca College President Reaches Out

You Can't Erase Death's Shadow, Sorrow

Why I Write Condolence Notes

Share these thoughts with a friend, and thanks for caring!

Sympathy Cards: From Walgreens to Target to T.J. Maxx, I Survey the Racks PLUS A BONUS TIP

 Death is not an 'occasion' but it is a good reason to buy a card.

Large Sympathy rack at Walgreens

Walgreens has expanded its map of U.S. locations, maximizing the convenience of an on-the-fly card purchase. They place the' LOUD & BRIGHT' racks at the start. Keep going. You will not find a Condolence Coach-approved card in this zone.

Gift cards for the store have been attached to most of the big card racks. Gift cards do not belong in a condolence note.

Don't overlook endcaps

I encourage readers to adopt the Boy Scout motto:  "Be prepared!", by choosing one of the cost effective packages of blank cards hanging on an endcap display. The Hallmark options, around $5.99 for a pack of 20, include blank, embossed, subdued...choose a style that is calming.  

Peaceful waters for peaceful wishes

Target is "cutting edge" in the card universe.

With two solid aisles of product

He's 6 But Won't Turn 7: Joy at the mailbox

He turned 6 on July 25th. He likely won't turn 7. 

[Source]

Fighting an inoperable brain tumor trumped kindergarten for Danny Nickerson. Days at home get long--and lonely.

What do you want for your birthday, honey?" mom, Carley, asked. She pictured herself visiting the store displays of Lego and Super Mario that her son loved. His surprising response:
a mailbox full of birthday cards! 

Missing In Action! A Soldier's Sister Keeps Vigil

'The crash woke me up from a sound sleep.'

"I'd dreamed I saw the smoking wreckage of a car or plane that had crashed in the desert of the American Southwest. It was so real!" 

Douglas Ferguson in Flight Suit. (Sue Scott)

'And later that day, December 30, 1969, I knew my brother's spirit had come to me in that dream, as my family received a phone call informing us that Doug--USAF Captain Douglas Ferguson, had been shot down over Laos.'     -Sue Scott

For Sue Scott, it has taken 44 years to reach this day. Doug's remains were recovered from the crash site in April 2013, and identified this past February. With a deep sigh of grief mixed with relief, she says:

"He is ready to be home now." 

Doug in Uniform (Sue Scott)

"Home" will be near Mom and Dad in the family's Tacoma, Washington gravesite, during Doug's Committal Service with Honors on May 2, 2014, surrounded by family and devoted supporters.

"I always thought I would get lucky with an answer," Sue admitted, "taking it 'one day at a time'" (for 16,060 days.) She likens the experience of a loved one missing, to losing a child in a store. "At first, they feel so close; you know if you keep looking, you will be reunited." Sue explained that, early on, the usual "signals of a crash" were not evident, "so there was hope."

But obtaining information about Prisoner of War/Missing in Action (POW/MIA) soldiers' status was hard won, and next to impossible in the regions of conflict. The new anti-war era of pushing back gave stunned families, like Sue's, a voice. The National League of POW/MIA Families was formed in 1970 and to this day, provides powerful advocacy.

"1,642 Americans are still listed by DoD as missing and unaccounted-for from the Vietnam War...The League seeks the fullest possible accounting for those still missing and repatriation of all recoverable remains.  The League’s highest priority is accounting for Americans last known alive."   Status-of-the-POW/MIA Issue - March 11, 2014

Another 'voice' came in the form of brass and copper bracelets launched by a Los Angeles, California student organization, VIVA (Voices in Vital America) that embraced the desperation of wives of pilots who had been declared MIA in Vietnam.

Through and beyond my 1970's school years, my mother, Elizabeth, like 5 million others, wore a bracelet engraved with a soldier's name. "As the mother of teenagers, I was so sorry--and yet so proud, to wear it," she shared.

Sue Scott wore a bracelet with Doug's name, but being vocal about her missing brother was not always easy. Captain Ferguson's status was Missing In Action (MIA) until a military review board amended it a few years later to: Presumed Killed In Action.  Sue said, "the abnormal became normal; my focus was always broader than my own loss. I was driven to keep the issue alive," even as emotions about the Vietnam War ran hot.

She continued, "Co-workers respected my work with the League but, petitioning door to door, I'd been told, 'your brother got what he deserved.' That hurt."

Over the years, Sue has found these things helpful to take care of herself:

• Keeping close to faith and family.
• The recent creation of a memorial website for her brother: Forever Missed memorial tribute to Doug. "It's been wonderful to connect with people I haven't seen in so long, people who knew and cared about my brother."
• Having a mission-- a deep sense of purpose.

Living a purposeful life has, for Sue, been "an opportunity to make a small difference in the world so that the families of those who serve today--and in the future--will never have to wait more than 40 years for answers, and our service members will be returned to their homeland."

In addition to her long tenure with The National League of POW/MIA Families, Sue serves on a review committee for appointments to U.S. military academies (Doug was a graduate of the Air Force Academy.) Here too, her passion has a voice as she assure candidates, "we've got your back." And Sue Scott is proud of what she calls

 'Doug's Final Gift'

"This was not a journey I made by choice. But faced with a challenge, ordinary people can become part of something bigger. Collectively, we accomplish much, and impact the world."

[[Source]

AFTERWORD:   As I researched and wrote this post, I thought of other types of missing persons...

a family nightmare that begins with a runaway, a kidnapping (including parental,) a disappearance.

These are complex losses, deeply painful, and often unresolved. The burden of uncertainty is crushing. I will write more on this loss, in the future.

To send a note of sympathy in an unresolved loss situation, the Condolence Coach suggests:

• I am so sorry you are facing this.
• I know you love (name) very much.
• No matter what happens, memories of (name) live on, for me. (Include a brief, happy story, if you wish.)
• I pray for you and (name) every day.

Read Sue's One Year Anniversary Reflection 


ADDITIONAL POSTS RELATED TO MILITARY FAMILIES:
POTUS does it and you should too
Please don't ask me how my son died


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Don't Rush Your Condolence Note

You're ready to hop in the car and go the wake or service but-- darn-- you haven't bought a card.

RELAX. DON'T RUSH YOUR CONDOLENCE NOTE.

[Source)

It is not necessary that you walk in with a card. I would even like to suggest that putting a little time between the funeral and writing your note can be very helpful for you-- and your grieving friend who is, at the moment, overwhelmed with details and caring people.

Miss Manners Votes for Old Fashioned Condolence

To Hold A Card In Your Hand...

 Just a week ago in Judith Martin's MISS MANNERS column, a woman wrote that, at the loss of a parent, she received many sympathetic emails, texts, Facebook entries, and of course phone calls and messages... But no cards or letters by postal mail. And she was sad about that.

The "social network" does not have texture, it does not have the dearness of card rack musing, penned ink, crooked stamp, mailbox surprise.

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Miss Manners sympathized, and agreed that "old fashioned" condolence touches the hurting heart in a very special way.

Go pick out a card. Pick something gentle, simple, attractive, with an inscription that feels like your voice to what ever level of caring resonates with this relationship. Write a sentence or two in your own handwriting. It will be received with deep appreciation.

Thank you for caring and sharing!