Re-Balancing After Loss: Carry Two Buckets

(Author's source,
used with permission)

Grandpa Gus was a hard working farmer in Iowa. It was a good life and in wartime, demand was high for eggs, milk, corn and soybean crops. 

Gus, like most grandparents, welcomed the eager participation of visiting grandkids. Chores were assigned because chores are a part of life, but for a townie, the farm was loaded with adventures. From dumping a pail of kitchen scraps in the hog pen, balancing on a milking stool, or avoiding hen pecks while collecting eggs, each task came with a few how-to's and occasionally some patient I-told-you-so's. The lessons were basic and sometimes--profound.

Always Carry Two Buckets

Balancing heavy loads is both art and science. Grandpa Gus routinely carried two buckets loaded with any number of things, and while weights could be substantial, he'd learned that balance was key. 

Isn't it true that one of the most difficult aspects of losing a loved one is the sudden sense of imbalance? Countless habits and routines now feel off-kilter. In her song "My Old Man," Joni Mitchell lamented, "The bed's too big, the frying pan's too wide."  Not simply the realm of spouse/partner death, this lopsided, not-right feeling can surge with the death of a child, the loss of a close friend, or the end of a job. It may seem like everything needs to be figured out again!

Will I Ever Feel Happy?

Our basic quest to feel balanced is normal; like gravity, it anchors almost all choices and activities. Fortunately, I believe life balance can be healed and restored in the metaphor of Grandpa Gus's advice:  always carry two buckets. 

Here's how to get started...Identify your buckets

(Source: Hemerson Coelho on Unsplash)

One bucket is already brimful of feelings. Accept and be gentle with that deeply personal load. Follow the McCartney lyrical adage: Let It Be. 

Your second bucket should hold whatever (used to) makes you smile, feel good, and awaken curiosity. Consider experiences that reduce self absorption. Trust that your first bucket is doing its job of holding emotions and fears. As you fill, empty, and refill this second bucket, I promise you that the first bucket will begin to feel a little bit lighter. 

(Source: Heather McKean on Unsplash)

Consider Lighter Loads

1. Exercise and Spend time in nature
2. Volunteer
3. Find new homes for (gifting/donating) some of the decedent's belongings
4. Start a Gratitude Journal or Bowl
5. Meet trusted friends for coffee
6. Walk through a gallery or museum
7. Explore spirituality
8. Take a just-for-fun class
9. Review your own bucket list and make a plan!
10. Challenge 'Life' to send you wonderful surprises (It will!)

(Source: Rafael Garcin on Unsplash)

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Be Brave With Your Life

 The Growing Through Grief series

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Be Brave With Your Life. This expression is embossed on the cover of the journal I purchased  over a year ago. Frankly, at the time, I didn't care for the gloomy, foggy cover image; I just wanted a new notebook. Now, I understand it. 

From day to day, we navigate--seeing only as far into the unknown, unfolding day, as each next moment allows. When you have faced a very close loss--spouse, partner, child, parent-- and the numbness wears off to reveal the new skin of acceptance, the next step is yours.

If the next steps are seen as gloomy and forbidding, your next chapter of life will be exactly that, and it will be a miserable existence. The option is to 'Be Brave With Your Life'. 

Being brave is an act of trust, hope, and faith in good. Put simply, it is optimism. And so I now turn my words to you, who are on the sidelines of a person who is moving forward after a loss. Please read this carefully!

Advice for those of you on the sidelines of someone's loss:

1. Do not give advice. If you are asked for guidance or a suggestion on a specific matter, share knowledge but don't assume you've been invited in as a life coach.
2. Do not become a cop, judge, or legislator on the nature and timing of new choices. What you believe is the right way/right time to 'get on with life'-- whether in the form of relocation, activities, or relationships-- is only your opinion. Do not poison someone's bravery with your 'well-meaning concerns.' The journey forward may have some disappointments or detours, but that is true for everyone!
3.  DO encourage. When you are told of some new thing in the person's life, respond with a hug or supportive words such as: "be good to yourself," "be happy, " "I'm happy for you," "go for it," "have fun" ... And then, bite your tongue if a "well-meaning concern" bubbles up and you are dying to share it. 

My most cherished friends support me in exactly these ways. They do not own or use 'poison arrows.' Love, care, interest, and support are the precious breezes they send my way. These bolster my bravery!

Thank you for caring!

To grow in your sensitivity to others' losses, please browse this blog, often!

This post is dedicated to Terry.

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How to be a Friend during Terminal Illness

Do you know someone with a terminal illness?

I do; a few people, in fact. That reality can quickly change a relationship. The instinct to reach out socially is weighed with these questions:

• What should I say?
• What if they're resting?
• And really: What should I say?

So, before you read too far along in this post, please take a brief detour to one of my most widely read posts: 

Ask the Coach: What to Write to a Friend with Terminal Illness

Alive in a New Way

(Author image)

The most important themes of this post are to overcome your fears and recognize that, until someone dies, they are alive. It's not useful to wonder 'how long they have left to live', so focus on now, today.
Validate their reality by encouraging your friend or loved one to 'tell it like it is'. They are on a radical journey, travelling to that mysterious portal called 'death.'  Start with...

• How are you today?
• How does that compare to yesterday?

As you adapt to the setting and the energy level of the person(s) you are visiting, you may wish to know more about this traveler before you...

• Can you share one surprising thing about your journey with this illness?
• Where does your mind go when you want a favorite memory?
• Is there anything you wish you could do, right now, that I might be able to help accomplish? This could be anything from a Bucket List item, to reaching a book on a high shelf or picking up an everything-on-it bagel at the deli. You might find yourselves having fun with this!

Recognizing Courage

Often, it takes courage to live. Always, it takes courage to die. Kay, a woman with the neurodegenerative disease, ALS, inspires so many people with her courage.

ALS or INSPIRATION: What Makes Kay's Star Shine?  In person and in her blog, Kay continually advocated for awareness, truth, and love. Call it the divine trilogy-- it is the perfect formula for Knowing.

Don't leave your visit without recognizing the courage of the traveler! This is an unparalleled moment to learn a truth, so ask...

• Where does your courage come from?

(Author image)

Hold all the responses in your heart. Later, visit this conversation in your thoughts, and smile with gratitude.

THE COACH SAYS: For additional suggestions on visiting and supporting the dying, read  Final Conversations: Helping the dying transition from this world
Thinking of a special gift? Read about comfort objects, here!

Thank you for caring!

There's a Bear in the Closet: finding your safe spaces

(Photo Credit: Missoula County Sheriff's Office / Facebook)

The Growing Through Grief series

Lions and Tigers and Bears--oh my!

I couldn't resist clicking on the Geek.com story accompanying this photo. A black bear entered a residence in Missoula County, Montana, relocked the door and, after some mischief, sought out this high closet shelf for a snooze. After owners called 911, the bruin was safely removed by Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks Department. 

Beyond the fact that yet another wacky animal scene resides online, my interest is deeply personal! Many years ago, "Little Debbie" would find herself in the landscape of a scary dream, and seek out a high closet shelf for safe hiding. Bears, tigers, snakes, harsh footsteps of the bogeyman clomping up the basement stairs-- all required a good hiding place. Everyone knows that successful hiding is mostly mental-- if you feel safe, you are. Think of the dog who noses his head under a blanket and falls asleep:  he felt safe so he was.

Where do you feel safe?

Grieving people need time off and time away. The duration of time outs is up to each person. After the demands of caregiving and deathbed vigiling, some space, privacy and safety are due.  Elaine Stillwell writing in Grief Digest advised grieving people to anticipate difficult days in her essay Grief Tools: An Emergency Kit for a Bad Day:

"As hard as we try to keep our heads above water in grief, there are some days that sneak up on us and catch us totally off guard, spiraling us backwards to what seems like day one. It just doesn't seem fair to fall down when we thought we were doing so well or were giving it our best effort. So, do yourself a favor and plan ahead. Be ready for that black day that knocks you over in your grief. "   Elaine Stillwell

Supporting the need for safety

Photo used with permission:
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

The greatest gift you can give a grieving person is accepting them exactly where they are at the moment, and valuing their need for self care and safe space. Giving unsolicited advice or issuing a timeline to normalcy is stressful. I understand that these "supports" are grounded in care but they are hard to process. Grief can be similar to a lingering virus: one day you feel okay, the next you are a wreck. In my post What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved I counsel caring patience.

Patience doesn't mean distance. It's been medically proven that feeling cared for is healing. This is what friends can focus on: a one-day-at-a-time delivery of care. Use gestures and words that say:  I've got your back. 

Supportive Gestures may include food gifts in nonreturnable containers; a new mug with some teabags or cocoa pouches; chores such as pulling trash containers to and from the curb, trimming shrubs and weeds, mowing a lawn or shoveling snow.

Supportive Words should be shared in the way most common to your relationship: over the fence or over a cup of coffee, by text or email. Stay in the present; be affirming; listen.

• How are you today?
• Your maple tree is showing off-- those colors are bolder than last year.
• When I hear the word 'hero', I think of you; [name of deceased] couldn't have had a better [wife/husband.]
• Can I drive you [or the kids] anywhere today?

Photo used with permission: 

Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

Wellness and wholeness are not yours to deliver. It can be a long journey to the new horizon; it's best to count only the moments.

Read more about managing stress:
Coping with Covid-19 Stress: Finding Pleasure and Peace in Slow

Thank you for caring!

Carry On! What Ants Can Teach Us About Struggle

Author photo

Author photo

The Growing Through Grief series

UNEXPECTED LESSONS

On a walk this morning, I crossed paths with several ant colonies at work. Just as the bees, birds, and butterflies are busy collecting pollen and nectar from the wonderful blooms, the ants are signalling: it's feast time! What we sweep away as waste: dropped blooms, leaves, and other organic traces-- is headed for ant distribution, storage and most importantly: stomachs. 

Though we are routinely taught to shoo them away from the picnic table, and I'll admit: I don't want them in my home--ants are a fascinating species I have learned to learn from! 

YOU MAY BE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK

According to National Geographic Kids, "the ant is one of the world’s strongest creatures in relation to its size. A single ant can carry 50 times its own bodyweight, and they’ll even work together to move bigger objects as a group!"

When I am faced with an onerous or unfamiliar task, my knee-jerk reaction may be "I can't do it." But long ago, when faced with a challenging school project, my mother helped me sort out the difference between 'can't' and 'don't want to'. She gently advised me to not be afraid of hard work. Well, grieving can be a 'climbing Mt. Everest' kind of struggle. Every step requires the climber to dig soul-deep for the strength and motivation to continue. However, with very few exceptions, these climbers can reach the summit because they are roped with and work as-- a team!

DON'T 'GO IT ALONE'

Ants are team players-- described by entomologists as eusocial. (Yes, I take pride in noting that the workers in ant colonies are all female.) We've all observed long lines of ants carrying out tasks, and this is such an important reminder during the journey of grief. Don't  be a 'lone ranger. '

Western culture is often uncomfortable with death and grieving -- heck--we are even bombarded with anti-aging messages. The people around you may initially present admirable support, but culturally, the imperative to move on, leaves the grieving person behind. I explored these dynamics in my posts: Climbing Out of Deep Space: Through and Beyond Grief and What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved.

Thankfully, the Mourner's Bill of Rights validates your grief work. And as the ants teach us, you must form your own line(s) of ongoing support!

CALL IN THOSE FAVORS

"Ants don’t have ears, and some of them don’t have eyes! Ants “listen” by feeling vibrations from the ground through their feet, and eye-less ants such as the driver ant species can communicate by using their antennae! Plus, they can send chemical signals (called pheromones) released through their body to send messages to other ants!" (10 cool facts about ants, National Geographic Kids)

If you are in the early weeks of grief, you may need to form your own line(s) of ongoing support.  During the initial reactions and contacts by friends, were you frequently told "Let me know if you need anything"? Sympathizers usually feel so powerless, deeply wishing they could help you pole-vault over the pain and challenges. You may have felt overwhelmed or exhausted and at that moment could not hand over a list or ask for specific help.

During moments of strength, make some calls or send some texts:  ASK. 

My readers know that good condolence includes specific and detailed offers of assistance like driving, chores, shopping, babysitting, companionship during difficult tasks. But rather than dismissing those vague, open-ended offers of help as platitudes, corral them! Start texting and phoning to cover your specific needs:

• "Can you come with me to the Social Security office on Friday?"
• "Jenna needs a ride home from school next Monday."
• "I don't know how to use the lawn mower--can you help?"
• "I dread bagging up his clothes; would you keep me company for that?"

Inviting others to feel useful and helpful in ways that you approve and appreciate is a win-win. Once upon a time, this was the social norm, but the Beatles hit With a little help from my friends reminds us this is a timeless principle, and nature--indeed, the ants-- prove it!

Read more about coping with stress:
Coping with Covid-19

Thank you for caring!