Adventures With Annie: A Dog's Tale

I had not heard from Lyn for several weeks since our exchange of Christmas cards. "Radio silence" from my busy friend is unusual; she frequently sends funny or inspiring stories, and hilarious pet photos. And then, last night's message arrived:

"Deb, after 21 years of having 1 or 2 dogs, I don't have one right now.  My little Annie died Feb. 1, here at the house." 

Author, Lyn Gray, with Annie

Annie has quite a reputation among young readers; she is the star of the Adventures with Annie books. Curious, high-spirited and, in her first adventure, believes herself to be The Great Hunter! Annie followed in the paw prints of her big sister, Maggie, who played Toto in their local school productions. 

When a dear dog's tail has wagged for the last time, and there are no eager clicks of toenails coming across the floor, and the water bowl isn't there to be kicked over accidently... life radically changes.

"I hate to come home because she's not at the door to greet me; I hate to stay here because she's not in any of her usual places. I haven't been able to put her things away yet, either."

What do you write to a grieving pet owner?

• If you have experienced the death of a pet:  "Boy, do I understand how hard this is. I'm so sorry."
• If you aren't a pet person but saw their devotion::  "You two had a special bond. (Pet's Name) was lucky to have you."
• If you ever hung out with them:  "My favorite memory of (Pet's Name) was the time ______." 
• If the person has other pets:  "How are the others (use names if known) handling the death of (Pet's Name)? 
• DO NOT suggest a replacement pet.

Lyn adds that any questions or suggestions about new pets is "too soon." 

• DO NOT ask when they will get another pet. Period.

Remember, you do not need to be a "pet person" to write this type of note. 

Your thoughtful condolence will be a deeply meaningful memento of a wonderful relationship. 

Replacing Pillows and Pets

When your bed pillow becomes too compressed to fluff, do you go squeeze a few new pillows at JC Penney and bring one home, eager for the comfort it will provide? Why isn’t the death of a pet like that: an easily replaceable comfort?

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When a pet dies, people either understand the pain—or they don’t. When they don’t understand, they expect you to quickly “go shopping” for a replacement. You may receive guilt-inducing remarks about overcrowded shelters and how your big, fenced yard is perfect for dogs.

Animals abound at the pound; in fact, hundreds of rescue groups and shelters participate in the website

 Perfinder.com, where you can search for a pet best suited to your needs. Using advanced search criteria, you can even locate ‘mutts’ with specific breed combinations.



A few years back, Perfinder.com lead me to Lola, a Siamese Tabby mix, who added her strong temperament to our family. She taught us that pets are certainly individuals!
 And, in the weeks following the November 2009 death of our sweet dog, Nikki, I returned to the Petfinder.com website and searched in vain for her clone.
But I was not ready for a replacement. Searching for "another Nikki" it was simply one way of coping with the loss of her faithful, cuddling companionship.

All losses are not the same, and grief journeys differ from one person to the next. Skillful condolence writers do not express judgment, do not offer explanations or attempt to fix the circumstances. The truth is: there are people who adopt a new pet soon after a furry farewell; that does not condone asking a newly widowed person when he or she will start dating!

As I moved through my grief—from breathless shock and journaling to creating a photo memory book, I learned things I had known only as concepts or by observation.

I discovered how comforting it is to receive cards, poems, letters and email expressing sympathy, understanding, and affirmations about the care that Nikki enjoyed in our home.

Memorable condolence notes are based on caring and sharing. Good notes meet the definition of “compassion” which is to companion someone in their passion [strong feeling].

Share this post with a friend, and thanks for caring!

When Children Die

[Author photo]

The news can evoke sudden tears or sudden silence:  when a child dies, the world turns upside down...because life is not supposed to end before it has really begun.

In a newsletter published by Hospice of Michigan, pediatric hospice programs were described. Some of the goals are:

• creating memories through meaningful activities
• encouraging goodbyes
• assuring comfort and quality of life for the child, and
• helping a grieving family find new meaning

Can your sympathy fit into this program? Absolutely; and the hospice model can offer us insights for crafting memorable condolence. 

For example: the spiritual and emotional components of hospice care guide expression during the journey to death, rather than dictate feelings or actions.

So, a good condolence acknowledges the pain and offers to listen. If the note says that you are praying for their comfort, do not tell the recipient to pray, as well. Express a sweet memory in your note, along with the hope to hear some of theirs. And if possible, you offer help with chores, errands, or bills.

Finally, I encourage you to grow in awareness of what it means to lose a child. Visit sites of organizations supporting parents who have faced a child's death: The Compassionate Friends and Parents of Murdered Children are two such groups. Both were invaluable during my book research.