When a Friend Dies: Regrets and Remembrance

Are you someone who

"never got a chance to say goodbye"?

Collage by Paula Bowman

Paula Bowman is, and recently shared her poem with me. Her friendship with 'Julie' had its ups and down-- what friendship doesn't? But when death doesn't give you both the chance to regain equilibrium and return to the loveliness of enjoying each other, it hurts.

The surviving friend may feel full-to-bursting with things left unsaid: apologies, fresh perspectives, and forgiveness. How do you handle feelings of unresolved issues, unfinished business and of course, LOSS? The Condolence Coach addressed loss of a friend in BFFs Die Too: bridging a best friend's death. The good news is that your memories will endure. The bad news is, yes, that your memories will endure. Which ones will you focus on?

One way to focus on the good memories is to put the bad memories to rest-- in fact, give them a proper funeral! To do so, you need to finish the fight, carry that 'unfinished' conversation to a state of acceptance. Think about it: in friendship, you accept so many things about another person. Can you find your way to this generous, compassionate embrace of their individuality, though the friend is not living? In Dear Frank, I'm Sorry You Died: writing to the deceased, the Coach suggested a method of letter writing to reach this calm state...thereby freeing you to focus on the good memories.

JULIE'S DEATH

by Paula Bowman

So there she is, beyond the pale,

And I have lost her, once again,

But I must realize that she
was truly gone from me

A long, long time ago. It is nothing new.

I tried and tried to reach her,

As we all grew older, And as time went by,

But she refused to see me.

And, as often is the case with death so final,

I never thought - not once -
that I would lose her all at once,

One day, All in a moment's time.

I always thought - Was I pretending?-

I would have so much to say,

When once she let me in, again,

And I thought how much I'd make it better:
Everything all better.

And here she is all dead, and passed away,

With Christmas coming in two weeks,

And now I'll never say it,

But it all fills up my heart:

Is this that age-old cry,

Of those that never got a chance

To say goodbye?

December 8, 2009

###

Readers may want to explore these Quick Links
to other posts on the loss of a friend,
including losing friends as we age,
and the issue of regret:

LOSS OF A FRIEND:

BFFs Die Too: bridging a best friend's death

LOSS OF AN AGING FRIEND:

Death over 70

FINDING PEACE FOR THINGS LEFT UNSAID OR UNRESOLVED:

Dear Frank, I'm Sorry You Died. Writing to the Deceased

SELF-CARE:

Brushing up on The Mourner's Bill of Rights

HELPING SOMEONE WHO HAS LOST A FRIEND:

Climbing Out of Deep Space: through and beyond grief

Thank you for caring!

Don't Be Shocked: It's Okay to Not Attend the Funeral

There are many reasons that people do not attend a funeral.

Let's run through some reasons, all of which, I have professionally witnessed:

• Away on vacation
• About to take vacation, which is nonrefundable
• Moving (this happened to me!)
• Bad weather
• Lack of travel means or funds
• Poor health
• Too many deaths in close succession
• Not speaking to surviving family members
• Myriad fractured-relationship issues

The Condolence Coach says of any and all reasons:  IT'S OKAY. A funeral should be a magnet for care and respect, NOT an arena to revisit wounds or iron out strife.

Author photo

How do you say "I'm not coming"?

I'd advise diplomacy. You do not need to release a rant, or whine with guilt.

If you have positive feelings but conflicting circumstances: 

• Express your sincere sadness over the death.
• Express your regret at being unable to be at the funeral, but suggest a visit at a later date.
• Under the crush of details and sadness, the responsible person may agree that "later" sounds peaceful. In truth, "later" visits and condolence notes fill a void.
• In the interim, spend some time reflecting on the deceased:  do you have unique photos, keepsakes, or memories to share?
• Set a reminder, if necessary, to make that future visit happen.

If you have positive feelings but prohibitive circumstances:

• Again, your sincere sadness over the death should be expressed, as well as your regret to not attend the funeral.
• Since "later" may not be an option, you must do more than send flowers or sign your name to a card. While those emotions are peaking, begin jotting down memories, browse through a photo album and pull one or two images. Think about the deceased: what made them unique? Did they have an influence on you? How would you characterize their legacy? Your condolence note may turn into a long-winded letter but it will be special!
• If you are physically unable to write, dictate to someone who can, or consider a recording. Yes, a phone call is an option but as my readers know, it lacks a permanence only possible with hold-in-your-hand notes and pictures.

If you have negative feelings: 

• You--and they--don't belong at the funeral. It doesn't matter if your distaste is for the deceased or survivors--please stay away.
• I am not judging your feelings; no doubt you have suffered angst and/or anger. The fractured relationship is probably not a secret, and I can assure you that the deceased's family may have had a whispered, anxious conversation about whether you would show up.
• It happens: funeral home staff are asked to watch for, and bar, an unwanted visitor; sometimes an arrangement is made for a private viewing by the "difficult" family member, while family leaves for dinner.
• Please remember that a funeral (we're using that term to cover all associated pre-and-post gatherings) is a tradition designed to render comfort. Accept your limitation in this regard.

Author photo

Beyond negative feelings: 

Now that you've read the 'DON'TS' surrounding negative feelings and funerals, here is the 'DO': 

• Listen to your heart. If you notice a caring thought or endearing memory pushing through your negative feelings, jot it down. When you feel able, visit that thought or memory again and go a little deeper. jot down a little more. 
• Maybe you have a snapshot somewhere, showing a good time once shared; put it with your notes.
• It's not time--it may never be time, for you to write a condolence note to someone else, but as an act of compassion to yourself, you could be the recipient of the condolence.
• You can also write a note to the deceased! I explain the why and how in my post, Dear Frank, I'm Sorry You Died: Writing to the deceased, . This may be an excellent tool for you to express your feelings, the highs and lows. This is not a letter that will ever be read, but it can provide important catharsis.

Boundaries and Freedom

American psychologist and co-founder of the Humanistic Psychology movement, Dr. Clark Moustakas, noted that we gain freedom through exercising boundaries. He pioneered self-acceptance over self-condemnation, and wrote: 

"Accept everything about yourself--and I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end. No apologies and no regrets."

Thank you for caring!

Angels Above Baby Gowns: Someday I'll Meet My Brothers

[Source]

Readers of The Condolence Coach may remember my introductory post, Angels Above Baby Gowns: Soothing a Terrible Loss. This organization uses donated wedding dresses to sew burial gowns for infants.
I wanted to learn more about the women who gave their wedding dresses in support of parents whose baby didn't come home from the hospital...

Someday I'll Meet My Brothers...
Part 1. 

"As she was dying, I told my mother:  I can't wait for you to see the boys!"

Carol Amundsen Noe and Teri Joseph
August, 2014

Remembering the final August days they shared, Teri Joseph's voice thickens with emotion. "I was born 40 years ago (in September)--a triplet! When my brothers, Russell and Frederick, and I left our crowded but happy womb, we each weighed two pounds."

Teri laments that in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) of the 1970's, parents were not permitted to enter the Unit to touch, hold, feed, or change the diapers of their delicate newborn. Skilled nurses assumed all care responsibility. But when the babies were 5 days old, Carol and John Noe were told that the boys had died. Baby daughter, Teri, after awhile, made it home. 

"Russell and Frederick were buried in diapers."

Their whisper-quiet departure--sterile from birth to burial, flooded Teri's heart when she discovered the Facebook page for a Garden City, Michigan organization called:

Angels Above Baby Gowns

"I had sold my wedding dress at a garage sale, but now I was settling my mother's estate and here was her lovely gown, still in amazing condition. During her engagement, she had traveled to Rome to witness her brother's ordination as a priest. So her dress was a real Italian creation in satin." Teri slipped the dress into a Priority Mail envelope and mailed it from her home in Arizona.

Teri and her mother, Carol
Christmas, 2012

"My mother was a very strong woman of Norwegian heritage. She developed epilepsy in her youth, so she took the bus everywhere. My dad died when I was 14, and mom raised four kids (I have an older brother and two younger siblings) alone! More health crises occurred in her later years, but she never cried or felt sorry for herself.
We buried Mom next to Russell and Frederick, and I know she would love for her wedding dress to become beautiful burial gowns for babies."


Someday I'll Meet My Brothers...
Part 2.

On Christmas Day, an 11 year old girl does not want her Mommy to be in the hospital.

[Source]

But that is where Melanie Steelman's mother was in 1990. Happily expectant with twins, Julie's preterm labor could not be stopped and she delivered Aaron and Benjamin at 23 weeks.

"I had been rushed to my Grandma's house. She told me mom was very sick and that my baby brothers had died. I felt awful. Today, 20-some years later, it still makes me cry because we loved them, we named them, but my brothers just disappeared from our lives."

Her parents had chosen to donate their sons' bodies to science. No pictures were taken, and though the family attended a hospital memorial service later on, the closure of a service became a closed subject. "We never talked about Aaron and Benjamin again."

But Melanie believes that bad memories can be healed with good memories. 

Melanie Steelman with Michael
and daughters Kaitlyn (L) and Ashlynn (R)

When girlfriends posted on Facebook about ANGELS ABOVE BABY GOWNS, Melanie was inspired by the dedication of founder, Dawn Lafferty, "Everybody's time is precious-- Dawn amazes me!" 

Melanie was inspired to donate her own wedding gown. She also become a Downriver Pick-Up Point for area dress donors. "I get at least one donor email each day!" [See Angels Above Baby Gowns' Facebook page for details.]  With Dawn's help, Melanie explained the reason for the gowns to her daughters: "sometimes the babies just don't get to come home." They have cheerfully joined their mom to collect beverage cans for a DOLLAR CHALLENGE fundraiser.

"My mother would have loved using the gowns with camo bow ties for the boys." 

Melanie continued, "hospitals are doing more supportive things for grieving parents, like offering these sweet handmade burial gowns, taking baby photos and creating mementos. I know my two daughters won't want my dress when their day comes. This is how a heart can heal."

LEARN MORE!  This link provides resources for parents grieving the death of a baby.

November 2017 UPDATE:  In the words of founder, Dawn, "Angels Above Baby Gowns is still going strong. We are now in over 350 hospitals and in 5 countries. We grow bigger everyday."

Read more stories of women who support Angels Above Baby Gowns: 

A Time To Tear and A Time To Mend
Delivery At A Birthing Center
Heartbeats and Lightening Bolts

The Condolence Coach was inspired to write about Angels Above Baby Gowns by a woman who lost two grandchildren by miscarriage.  When Grandparents Grieve

Readers may also wish to visit this post about baby and children's death:  Two Too Many: Gone But Never Forgotten

When siblings experience the death of a baby brother or sister, these posts may provide good condolence guidance:  Grieving Children, Part 1,  and  Grieving Children, Part 2.

This post is a good review of responding to any child's death: 5 Things to Say When Death Strikes the Young

Grieving parents may find comfort in this peer blog:  Wanted Chosen Planned 

Keep the conversation going--share this post, and Thank you for caring!

Is or Was? 24 hours ago or 24 hours later: A Tense Moment

[Source]

"What was his favorite color?" I asked the young man, as we stood in the display room of caskets.

"Was?" he replied in surprise?

It was an awkward moment. His father had died 24 hours ago, and choosing the color of a casket lining was like a dream he yearned to wake up from.

Since then, I have tried to use the present tense when speaking of a life only recently concluded. I strive to recognize that some aspects of a relationship are timeless, though a physical connection has ended.

Michele Neff Hernandez, widowed at a young age, wrote in her bi-monthly column 'Healing Through Loss':

"What I have learned is that his memory is held not only in the physical evidence of his existence, but in the indelible mark he left on my soul. No amount of time, space, or familiarity will rub that mark off."

In fact, you may remember the advice given by Phyllis in a recent post about the deaths of her children:  "I haven't cut my children out of my life story, so please don't. If you're chatting in the office about parenting, include me-- I'm a Mom, too. Let me know that you remember my daughter and son."

[Source]

If you are rolling your eyes and thinking this is getting too complicated, keep reading.

Sensitivity to a person's grief requires that we let them lead the way. A simple way to do that is by listening. 

Emily Clark, a writer for Hello Grief, also suggests a support technique called reaffirming what is said. This is an excellent skill for anyone wanting to improve sensitivity and conversational comprehension:  YOU'VE GOT TO PAY ATTENTION!  Put simply, when you are told, "I don't know what to do since Steve died, " your response can be "You feel overwhelmed by Steve's death."  

 "Don’t feel pressured to speak or come up with something eloquent.  The griever isn’t talking to you with an expectation that you are there to solve their problems or suddenly give them insight into their grief that they hadn’t considered before."  -Emily Clark

The Condolence Coach concurs, with a standard principle for note writers:  Though you can comfort, remember that you are powerless over grief. In a condolence note, you can offer to be a good listener without "hitting someone over the head with the offer."

Dear Maryanne, 

You are not alone in coping with the sadness of your sister, Ginny's death. I feel helpless to offer you much consolation, except to say how much I cherish the memories I have. 

I wish I'd been able to get down to her home in Florida. Ginny didn't seem to mind the miles between us; she hadn't adopted email, but typed letters with her signature sign-off, “I’ll close now with all of our love and kisses to you." 

Any time you want to talk, call me, and we'll sit with a pot of tea. Would you show me your photo albums? There are more wonderful stories to be told.

Thank you for caring!

Replacing painful memories with good

THOUGH WE ARE NOT COMPUTERS, WE CAN BE REPROGRAMMED. If you have, in any capacity, been present during or close to a death, you have been left with some difficult memories.

In their extreme, Post Traumatic Stress may linger and require professional care. But for most of us, attendance during the final days and hours of life is simply hard/sad/frightening. For awhile, our thoughts return to those memories again and again. It is a difficult and powerful experience.

Once again, I have been inspired by columnist, Amy Dickinson  as she addresses the wondrous value of the written word in healing grief. She advises a grieving pet owner to enlist family and friends in writing positive thoughts about the cat's life. Replacing sad memories with happy ones essentially "reprograms" the focus of the grieving mind and heart.

   Under any circumstance, a condolence note using the shared memory Key to Comfort contributes to the grieving person's serenity in remarkably healing ways.

Thank you for caring!

Sharing History: Hero or Villian?

Today, my husband and I visited the Detroit Historical Museum; we really enjoyed wandering through the three floors of exhibits. I was pleased to see that both young children and adults were engaged.

One exhibit in particular, called:  HEROES OR VILLAINS? presented biographical information and artifacts on 16 prominent individuals of the metropolitan Detroit area.

In a remarkably unbiased way, each man and woman was described on display panels. Nearby, were a few panels with quotations by their contemporaries;  these panels--though black and white--were flaming with accusatory and angry sentiment!  Heroes or villains?

Such contradictions are not restricted to public personalities; we each live in shadows and sunshine. 

And at funerals, conversation can drift in either direction. Is it acceptable to "speak ill of the dead"?  That is for you to answer.

The Coach says:  never discuss a person's 'shadows' in a condolence note.

You may have memories of the deceased from work or leisure that offer a unique perspective. Sharing history (memories) is one of my favorite Keys For Comfort. It does come with an unbreakable rule: never shock, humiliate or belittle the person who died.  Be your own censor, bite your tongue (or pen,) dig deep if you have to, but be kind as you share history. Your condolence note should resonate with words so precious that they will be re-read!

Hero or villain? The answer does not belong in a memorable condolence note.

Share this thought with a friend. And thanks for caring.