Surprise: I Thought I Was Past Grieving

Surprise: I thought I was past grieving

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There are some sounds, objects, places, dates and and times that trigger a melancholy moment or two. Surprise. He played soothing piano. She was an avid reader. We hiked in that canyon, got together for cards, ate tacos at that bar, watched that show on Saturday afternoon... and it has now been two or four or seven or fifteen years since their death but... your heart twists a little in those moments. Is it grief? Is it just enduring love? Is it okay?

It is all of the above.

I too, questioned---and even chastised---myself that:

• I rushed my grief work and now it was bubbling up because I hadn't "finished."
• I didn't know what grief really was.
• I didn't feel this kind of out-of-the-blue sadness after my grandparents passed; what was wrong with me?
• Maybe all the healthcare decisions (like starting hospice) weren't the right ones, and now I'll never find peace.

Maybe this, maybe that. Stop. 

Here are some facts about grief.

1. It is okay to move forward in life. 

Readers may remember my posts Grief Recovery: Grinding Up The Old Road, Paving The New and Be Brave With Your Life. Life is going to unfold--CHANGE--no matter what.  Maybe we learn how to adjust to little changes like a new class, a new healthcare routine, a new neighbor---as a form of training for the big stuff.  It is very important to give yourself a big hug every time a you take a brave step forward or find yourself in a brave "looking back" moment. 

        2.  Remember to stir some GRATITUDE into the deluge of feelings. 

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When I first put on a CD of piano music, which sent me into a panicked moment of grief, a person close to me scolded "don't do that!" But perhaps rather than fearing grief triggers by avoidance, it is helpful
to go ahead and feel it. Be honest in that moment and add a 'thank you' for the love behind the feeling. Another strategy is to ask a trusted individual to be with you for your early experiences of returning to an "old" activity.

Let me interject that, if your loss has resulted in a post-traumatic stress disorder for which you are following a care plan of treatment, please adhere to your plan. Healing and feeling secure are within your reach when you surround yourself with unconditionally loving support. At times, professional support is essential.

    

       3.    Do not judge yourself.

I cited just a few self-judging thoughts, above, and want to simply say: let it be! Judging, blame, regret are high on the list of thoughts that have low-to-no value... except that they guarantee an expansion of misery. Self acceptance, self love are as important as they are challenging, but try. Counter each self-blaming remark with a self-love statement. I frequently sign off condolence notes with 'be gentle with yourself' which is a nice way of saying LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK!

       4.    You are always growing.

I believe all of our circumstances are useful for our personal growth. Most world religions and spiritual teachings, including A Course In Miracles, recognize that a life path has stages of expansion and contraction, gain and loss, relinquishment and the discovery of new gifts. I have had dramatic shifts in circumstances where I simply had to trust in the discovery of new opportunities, gifts. They always show up. Patience, deep listening, visualization and supportive friends are useful. It is human to experience those unsettling moments of despair or frustration. Impulsive actions may look attractive simply because something is happening, but take a breath.  Action in response to a strong inner prompt for forward motion isn't bad: it is a fuel mix of hope and self-care, but that doesn't mean you should stomp on the accelerator. How about a relaxed survey of options, like a dress rehearsal?

When I sought a change of residence after being widowed, I wasn't certain where I wanted to move so I made a wish list. It included being closer to the friends and activities I enjoyed. So I got in my car and drove an hour+ to the communities that fit; I discovered that some places I thought would work were not ideal for impromptu coffee get togethers; I took another look at my wish list and refined what I needed to meet those goals. This dress rehearsal prevented me from an impulsive, poorly devised housing decision. Listen to your gut but use your head: spend time with your wish list and consider the pros and cons of those options. I believe you will know the difference between 😝IMPULSE and INSPIRATION 😇.

        5.    Griefbursts and time.

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I like to bake muffins and always set the kitchen timer. I set alarms reminders so I'm not late for Zoom meetings, and give myself plenty of travel time to arrive early for my volunteer work. But readers of this blog know that I constantly advise:  DON'T PUSH A GRIEVING PERSON!  Dr. Alan D.Wolfelt's The Mourner's Bill of Rights emphasizes individuality. It also refers to experiencing "griefbursts." Think of a time when you got caught in a rain shower:  it wasn't in the forecast and you didn't bring a jacket or umbrella but here it is, so you get wet but you'll wait ten minutes, and it will pass. Be patient with a griefburst. Recognize it as an aspect of having treasured memories and, as you know, memories can last a lifetime! I am making a new vow to receive surprise moments of grief with gratitude and love. 

Thank you for sharing and caring!

Carry On! What Ants Can Teach Us About Struggle

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The Growing Through Grief series

UNEXPECTED LESSONS

On a walk this morning, I crossed paths with several ant colonies at work. Just as the bees, birds, and butterflies are busy collecting pollen and nectar from the wonderful blooms, the ants are signalling: it's feast time! What we sweep away as waste: dropped blooms, leaves, and other organic traces-- is headed for ant distribution, storage and most importantly: stomachs. 

Though we are routinely taught to shoo them away from the picnic table, and I'll admit: I don't want them in my home--ants are a fascinating species I have learned to learn from! 

YOU MAY BE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK

According to National Geographic Kids, "the ant is one of the world’s strongest creatures in relation to its size. A single ant can carry 50 times its own bodyweight, and they’ll even work together to move bigger objects as a group!"

When I am faced with an onerous or unfamiliar task, my knee-jerk reaction may be "I can't do it." But long ago, when faced with a challenging school project, my mother helped me sort out the difference between 'can't' and 'don't want to'. She gently advised me to not be afraid of hard work. Well, grieving can be a 'climbing Mt. Everest' kind of struggle. Every step requires the climber to dig soul-deep for the strength and motivation to continue. However, with very few exceptions, these climbers can reach the summit because they are roped with and work as-- a team!

DON'T 'GO IT ALONE'

Ants are team players-- described by entomologists as eusocial. (Yes, I take pride in noting that the workers in ant colonies are all female.) We've all observed long lines of ants carrying out tasks, and this is such an important reminder during the journey of grief. Don't  be a 'lone ranger. '

Western culture is often uncomfortable with death and grieving -- heck--we are even bombarded with anti-aging messages. The people around you may initially present admirable support, but culturally, the imperative to move on, leaves the grieving person behind. I explored these dynamics in my posts: Climbing Out of Deep Space: Through and Beyond Grief and What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved.

Thankfully, the Mourner's Bill of Rights validates your grief work. And as the ants teach us, you must form your own line(s) of ongoing support!

CALL IN THOSE FAVORS

"Ants don’t have ears, and some of them don’t have eyes! Ants “listen” by feeling vibrations from the ground through their feet, and eye-less ants such as the driver ant species can communicate by using their antennae! Plus, they can send chemical signals (called pheromones) released through their body to send messages to other ants!" (10 cool facts about ants, National Geographic Kids)

If you are in the early weeks of grief, you may need to form your own line(s) of ongoing support.  During the initial reactions and contacts by friends, were you frequently told "Let me know if you need anything"? Sympathizers usually feel so powerless, deeply wishing they could help you pole-vault over the pain and challenges. You may have felt overwhelmed or exhausted and at that moment could not hand over a list or ask for specific help.

During moments of strength, make some calls or send some texts:  ASK. 

My readers know that good condolence includes specific and detailed offers of assistance like driving, chores, shopping, babysitting, companionship during difficult tasks. But rather than dismissing those vague, open-ended offers of help as platitudes, corral them! Start texting and phoning to cover your specific needs:

• "Can you come with me to the Social Security office on Friday?"
• "Jenna needs a ride home from school next Monday."
• "I don't know how to use the lawn mower--can you help?"
• "I dread bagging up his clothes; would you keep me company for that?"

Inviting others to feel useful and helpful in ways that you approve and appreciate is a win-win. Once upon a time, this was the social norm, but the Beatles hit With a little help from my friends reminds us this is a timeless principle, and nature--indeed, the ants-- prove it!

Read more about coping with stress:
Coping with Covid-19

Thank you for caring!