FAQs on Attending A Memorial Service

 I was recently asked: "I'm going to a memorial service; should I bring flowers?" 

Nareeta Martin, Unsplash

In thinking of my reply, I remembered that in a few weeks I am also due at a memorial service. Let's get ready, together.

What exactly is a memorial service? 

A memorial service is scheduled to occur after the disposition of the decedent's body. The term "service" implies that there will be an officiant or clergy, and a program featuring one or more eulogies, prayers, and music. A military honor guard may have been arranged for a veteran which will include the poignant ritual of Taps played, along with an American flag being folded and presented to family. The service concludes with words of committal, and likely, an invitation to a reception or meal.

Will I see the body?

Unlike a "funeral" where a casketed body may or not be present, a memorial service is a time of remembrance without the decedent's body. But do not assume what form of disposition took place. Reasons for a memorial service can vary and include:

• Immediate cremation took place. Cremated remains in an urn may be on display at the service; or they may have already been shipped to a cemetery or out of town recipient. 
• There may not be an urn on display. Ashes may have been dispersed by air or scattered in a meaningful place. Many people are considering having a loved one's ashes crafted into something artistic or symbolic such as jewelry or keepsake stones.
• In some instances, multiple memorial and funeral activities may occur in different locations. A casket may have been shipped out of the area for a funeral and subsequent burial, but local family and friends want their own time of remembrance. 

Is a memorial service the same as a Celebration of Life? 

It can be. "Celebration of Life" is often an opportunity for more casual hospitality, but it too, will be held in a location convenient to accommodate guests-- whether a home, restaurant, mortuary or church. Sharing memories becomes the springboard for informal mingling; the host/ess may take time to eulogize the deceased, invite others' stories, and thank those attending for their support.

Should I bring flowers or a card to a memorial service? 

Photo by Girl with red hat,
Unsplash

A memorial service has been planned by staff at a place of worship or a mortuary (funeral home.) A plant or flower arrangement(s) may be in the room. However, this is not the format for staff to receive and place unexpected floral arrangements. It is best to not bring flowers.

However, bringing a card is a very nice gesture, and there will be a designated table or basket awaiting these. If you do not see an obvious place for your card, hand it to a family member. This blog has many posts on what to write in a condolence note and types of cards to select. Make it personal, from your heart. 

Will there be a photo or memorabilia display?

It's likely that at least one portrait will be on display; everyone wants to remember the individual in the many nuances of their relationships, so expect to see a video tribute, a photo board, a table of favorite or characteristic objects. If you have a wonderful photo to share, you may bring it; if it is not a gift, be sure to take it with you rather than having to track it down at a later date.

 Is it just for relatives? Who should attend? 

It is very rare that a memorial service is restricted to relatives, and if it is, you will likely not have heard about it OR been clearly informed by your contact something like: "her wishes were for a private family gathering."  

Think of your own life and the array of connections made over your lifetime. You may encounter former neighbors, coworkers, and people from various activities...this makes for a perfect "mingling" question: "How did you know [name]"  Som like it or not, be gracious and respect the occasion: everyone is there to honor the decedent's life and support surviving family members. Attending a memorial service can have pleasant surprises such as what happened a few years ago while I attended a memorial for the late husband of a neighbor. 

Can I speak?

It is very likely that the officiant or host will invite anyone present to share a thought about the deceased. Even if you say just one sentence, I encourage you to do so. And if you get emotional during your sharing--THAT'S OKAY. Remember: no remarks should be embarassing or unkind. If you wrote out a memory or story and it is more than one or two paragraphs, bring it to the attention of the officiant before the service starts. They will advise you if it is okay to use that much time in reading it. An alternative for sharing a lengthy story is to simply give the paper to a family member or enclose it in your card.

I feel a lot of emotions about this death. Is it okay if I cry?

This is a wonderful question and my answer is YES. The memorial service is a beautiful opportunity to express the emotions of grief in the company of others who loved and cared for the deceased. Hymns, eulogies, an honor guard--- all of these things can cause you to get choked up, cry, weep, and even cling to another grieving person. There is no reason to feel embarrassed. Put some tissue in your pocket before arriving. 

Do I have to stay for a post-service reception?

Some Celebrations of Life include a potluck. It is nice to bring something---especially if you may enjoy a few bites before leaving. But, it is perfectly fine to skip the reception and leave quietly. Be sure you have signed the guest book, if provided. If you already had an opportunity to greet the host, you do not need to seek them out to excuse yourself. And if you did not speak to the host, it is still alright to leave quietly.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Condolence By Email: Caring Words Don't Need Postage

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It's time for me to update a position I wrote about over a decade ago. In writing To Hold A Card In Your Hand, I referenced etiquette expert Miss Manners (Judith Martin) and the courtesies and comforts of condolence notes received through the mail. The qualities I was most enthusiastic about had to do with being able to share the card, re-read the card, and to hold a card. And while there is certainly no reason to argue against those benefits, let's look at some realities.

Connections

Today, we know a lot of people through affiliations of activities, employment, volunteering, social media, chance-but-meaningful encounters and numerous other connections. BUT WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR MAILING ADDRESSES. In fact, in so many affiliations it would seem intrusive to even ask for a mailing address. I have encountered that 'awkward moment' in asking, and better realized that someone felt my request was crossing a line---too personal. So let's respect that, and move on.

There is a very good chance that your affiliation does include an email address. Never use email addresses for solicitation unless it is clearly a networking affiliation such as LinkedIn, Meetup, Facebook or another social media forum with the key purpose of information exchange.

Sharing

Condolence by email does allow sharing and re-reading. I have done both with emailed condolences and appreciate the quick access to archived email. Most importantly, the caring gesture, the sympathy and compassionate outreach is appreciated by someone facing a loss. 

Will there be a later cup of coffee and more sharing? You could mention it if both of you are local. But it is okay to maintain the electronic line and even elevate the 'meeting of hearts and minds', over the meeting of eyes over lattes.

Caring

With this established, what does your e-condolence say? 

• Who are you writing to? Are you writing to a relative, a coworker, a client? Are you the manager or owner of a company with a grieving employee? Need a cross-section of situational sensitivity? 

• E-cards: It's not necessary, but if you subscribe to an e-card app this is a good start. There are themes for sympathy and you can select the right imagery and vibe. Most cards are animated and have a soundtrack, so exercise the patience to preview the card to determine if it is suited to the recipient and the nature of the loss.

• Your words: There is only one mission to a condolence:  COMFORT. Never express a personal

  

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  agenda or judgment in condolence! I have actually been told or overhead these ill-suited comments: "Now that your cat is gone you can babysit my cat when I travel." "Being single has its benefits." "You can take your mind off it with the new project." "You still have the other kids." "Well, she was very old." "My memorial donation to ____ is eligible for the extra charitable deduction." Readers, you get my point!

• Sorry. Gratitude. Good Memories. Admiration. Connect with your heart before you start typing, and certainly before you hit SEND. This note does not have to be particularly lengthy, just focus on caring. Re-read your sympathy expression: does it warm your heart? If so, you have written a lovely e-condolence. 

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

My Turn to Grieve

The Growing Through Grief series

I am known to many as the one who is easy with matters of dying and death. I can discuss ways to make the end of life sacred, the paperwork of death, funeral options and military honors. I do this with the conversational tone you would use to discuss the price of organic veggies, local car repair shops, or summer travel plans. For over ten years, I’ve been known as the Condolence Coach by a world of readers, but I am long overdue for a new post, and here’s why.

Last fall, when my mother entered hospice, my zeal to discuss death’s details and grief journeys, withered. In truth, it cowered in the corner, shunning all but the most necessary social contact. Sharing the life-altering news became my daily ‘small talk.’ A dog walking neighbor might comment on last night’s wind and I replied: “my mother is in hospice.” Meeting another shopper at the grocer’s card rack, I offered, “my mother is in hospice but I think she’ll make her 90th birthday.” To my relief, people were kind.

Perhaps it’s not accurate to say I lost my 'zeal,' when the real loss was ‘innocence.’ While my experience and knowledge as a hospice volunteer and funeral professional deepened insight and compassion, it was always ‘someone else’s loved one.’ Detachment preserved the innocence of my heart. Now, this was my heartache.

Sadness Selfie

Across the country, heavily sedated with the standard hospice cocktail of morphine and lorazepam, Mother wasn’t taking birthday phone calls. I quelled the panic of her slipping away by reaching out psychically. I imagined her approval and laughter as I played dress-up with the pink paisley poncho she had sewn for me fifty years ago.

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Digging through my jewelry box, I ringed its neckline with lapel pins she’d given: quirky cat, pine cone, straw dolls, and artsy swirl. Like the young bride seeking her mirrored reflection on the morning after deflowering, I sought mine and took a selfie, seeking to preserve the transforming mystery of my profound sadness. 

Until I was called to serve at my mother’s deathbed, my vigil occurred thousands of miles to the west with intense meditations, journaling, tears, and talks with my husband. I began to trust the truth of a message I’d texted when she was still able to communicate: 

“You are a fabulous woman:  

and will always be so, with or without a body.”

Photo used with permission,
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

Sacred Grieving

I began reading Grieving- the Sacred Art, Hope in the Land of Loss by Lisa Irish. Long believing death is not a medical event but a sacred one, I embraced the idea of sacred grief. Initially stunned by what Irish calls “a swirl of painful and overwhelming emotions,” I felt validated by her words, accepting that my moments of disorientation were sacramental emotions. Irish promised that if I did not identify grief as ‘the problem’ it would become ‘the solution’ and offer me hidden gifts. 

The first gift was an opportunity to vigil at my mother’s bedside. Though I was not new to this process, the intimate ministry of care for someone I adored was as riveting as it was taxing. ‘Profound’ remains one of the few useful words for this time.

Photo used with permission,
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

In the months since my mother’s death, I have received more of grief’s gifts: peace, wisdom, and gratitude. Glimpses of siblings’ grief have proven that we all walk personal paths through loss. My long held advocacy of the value of condolence notes, was affirmed. After I shared the news of my mother’s death--along with the narrative obituary I’d composed, the arrival of sympathy cards and supportive emails became an invaluable balm. I shared most of them with my family, thus multiplying their comforting impact. As the Condolence Coach, I reversed my rigid opposition to electronic condolence; for expediency and privacy, it has a place.

Sacred grieving deepened my spirituality. I celebrate my mother’s legacy of preferences and mannerisms. I believe her soul remains within reach through love. I find that memories should be curated-- as enduring or disposable. I strive to avoid regrets-- those shoulda, coulda, woulda’s-- which only sour the sweet gift of recollections.

Am I done grieving? Deadlines and calendar pages have no place in this sacred experience. I have--and will have--days of longing for my mother. 

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In 2014, I reblogged Elaine Stillwell's article, An Emergency Kit For a Bad Day . She stressed the importance of self-care, and the value of being prepared for the unexpected "black days" that can arise after a loss. My emergency kit also includes outdoor exercise, meditation moments, gratitude for a birdsong greeting, the surprise of a heart rock in the trail, and volunteering in my community. These are the stepping stones for my inner peace, one day at a time.

Thank you for caring!

Creative Condolence: Make a Card in 4 Steps

After my I Survey the Racks post about good retail sources for sympathy cards, a reader remarked, "You left out one card source:  make it yourself." And he was right!

I had made my own card this winter, after a neighbor's sudden death.

[Source]

Margaret's patio was home to a couple of fragrant rose bushes. Their vibrant color called out to passersby and if 'Peggy' happened to be out, the magnetic pull soon had every chair occupied.

After her simple funeral on a gray February day, I thought of those roses. The bushes had been gifts from children and whispered, "I love you, Mom," every time she saw them. They stood on sunny corners and received no pampering.

Farmington Community Library

Peg pampered no one-- those days retired when she hung up her apron after 40 years waitressing--many of which were at the old Botsford Inn.

I thought of the many visits I'd had with this strong, West Virginia born Hungarian. She had a quick, sharp laugh, and could skate from a glowing compliment to an "excuse my French" complaint. Ask her to tell you a story

Don't Rush Your Condolence Note.

The Condolence Coach highly recommends a period of digestion after the hubub of a funeral. My post Don't Rush Your Condolence explained how a little time helps you thresh the harvest of images, stories, eulogies, even service music into a memorable note to the family.

Making a card is a meditative process.

This may take you back to Art 101 because "found" imagery is such an easy way to make expressive collage art. During a college internship, I worked with incarcerated teens on a poetry writing project. I brought in stacks of magazines and the kids created simple but highly expressive posters with photo and text collages. 

Whether you are "going inside" or "letting the inside out," crafting on-the-fly is fun and personally satisfying. I believe it can be more liberating than kit-based crafting but it is up to the individual. In any event, making your own sympathy card is a meditative process to explore your own sense of loss. 

Thinking about those roses and Peg's welcoming patio, I remembered a stack of postcards I'd won in a raffle. They seemed to be a study of doors (a metaphorical image I love,) and each entry was bedecked with welcoming touches--especially flowers.

I chose the card with the brightest rose bush, and knew I was on the right track for a tribute to Peggy.

Scissors, colored paper, a glue stick... my card didn't require much. Card craft is a very popular hobby and a visit to a craft store will overwhelm you with methods for embellishment.  If you're adventurous--go for it!

My simple technique was to:

1. trim the postcard image
2. fold the sheet of paper in half
3. trim the paper, with my postcard as a size guide, allowing for a narrow border of paper to show around the image
4. placing the paper "cover" so that it would open at the bottom, I glued the image on the center of the paper.

Remember, it's ultimately about the note.

I suppose you’d have to call this Step 5, because once the card construction was completed, I drafted my note on plain paper. when satisfied, I rewrote my condolence on the inside card panel.  

• I spoke of Peg's welcoming patio
• her rose bushes and what they meant to her
• her quick laugh
• I stated how I will miss those impromptu visits
• I acknowledged her caregiving son's years of vigilance
• and noted how he inspired my family  

Are you inspired to make a card? 

Share this post with a friend--and get together for a card crafting hour! Thanks for caring!

Sympathy Cards: From Walgreens to Target to T.J. Maxx, I Survey the Racks PLUS A BONUS TIP

 Death is not an 'occasion' but it is a good reason to buy a card.

Large Sympathy rack at Walgreens

Walgreens has expanded its map of U.S. locations, maximizing the convenience of an on-the-fly card purchase. They place the' LOUD & BRIGHT' racks at the start. Keep going. You will not find a Condolence Coach-approved card in this zone.

Gift cards for the store have been attached to most of the big card racks. Gift cards do not belong in a condolence note.

Don't overlook endcaps

I encourage readers to adopt the Boy Scout motto:  "Be prepared!", by choosing one of the cost effective packages of blank cards hanging on an endcap display. The Hallmark options, around $5.99 for a pack of 20, include blank, embossed, subdued...choose a style that is calming.  

Peaceful waters for peaceful wishes

Target is "cutting edge" in the card universe.

With two solid aisles of product

He's 6 But Won't Turn 7: Joy at the mailbox

He turned 6 on July 25th. He likely won't turn 7. 

[Source]

Fighting an inoperable brain tumor trumped kindergarten for Danny Nickerson. Days at home get long--and lonely.

What do you want for your birthday, honey?" mom, Carley, asked. She pictured herself visiting the store displays of Lego and Super Mario that her son loved. His surprising response:
a mailbox full of birthday cards! 

Sympathy Cards since the Roaring 20's

Did you know that "sympathy cards" used to be sent by the decedent's family? 

According to Hallmark archivist and historian Sharman Roberts, in the 19th century flat, engraved cards were sent as announcements of a person's death. Somber, edged in black, and often with an image of the deceased or their headstone, recipients would immediately know its purpose. 

Bathing suits at the Wasington bathing beach must not be over six inches above the knee
LC-USZ62-99824

Sympathy cards to the bereaved were first offered in the 1920’s

Yes, during those Roaring 20's when many Victorian traditions were shrugged off, Hallmark dipped a toe in the water to flip the script on the sympathy card. Today, friends of the bereaved want their sympathy cards to express comfort and hope, with sincerity not syrup. Off the rack (I prefer you use their e-cards for occasions other than sympathy,) Hallmark’s hundreds of styles range from general to specific.

• loss of a baby or miscarriage,
• military death,
• death of a mutual friend,
• loss of a spouse,
• sudden and unexpected death including death by accidents,
• loss of a family member, and
• in 1984, sympathy cards for pet loss, were added.

I think using a situation-specific card is fine 

But consider its inscription as your ‘opening lines.’ Then proceed to handwrite your own feelings and thoughts. I used to tell writers, “that’s what the blank left panel is for,” but many cards now contain text on both inner panels. Find a way to fit your message in the margins…enclose a sheet of paper…or find another card!

I like to encourage condolence note writers to relax about timing

You do not need to rush to write and send a note--because grief is like a winding river. Your message will be a gift whenever it arrives. 

At a 2012 conference of the Association for Death Education and Counseling® (ADEC), the oldest interdisciplinary organization in the field of bereavement, the dynamics of extended grief were discussed. When someone suffers a significant loss, their grief can last for months or even years after the loss. Hallmark offers cards with an encouraging tone for ongoing grief support. [Hallmark source]

Many people like to bring their card to the funeral home. If you can gather your thoughts and compose a caring, sensitive note in a short window of time, do so. Otherwise, remember that, even if you do not have the home (or business) address of the individual you wish to write to, you can mail the card to the funeral home, which will be happy to forward it.

To read more on the topic, see my post, Sympathy Cards, of 2/8/2014

When Little Birds Chirp: Anniversary Notes

Every year as March approaches, a little bird chirps in my thoughts:  send D. an anniversary note. 

I go to my stationery box and select a simple card-- I favor small note cards, and set it out. In a few days, I'll sit down with it. I know it has been a long time-- over 10 years now, since her daughter was the victim of a drunk driver. I don't really keep count of the years, though I commented with surprise when I checked, and it was the 10-year anniversary. I remember writing:

My how the world has changed in the 10 years since A's death! What do you think she would say about it?"

Isn't an anniversary note a painful reminder?

It is easy to assume that you are "pouring salt in a wound," but you are not. The feedback I get from my own notes, and from discussing anniversary notes with others who receive them is appreciative:

"Thank you so much for remembering my A."

"That person [the note writer] is gold." 

 "My husband will always be in my heart, why wouldn't I want someone else to remember him, too?"

 I already said 'I'm sorry', so what do I write a year later?

If you want to say you are sorry, again, go ahead. An anniversary note should not be a philosophical overview of what happened, a one-year wrap up, a dismissal, or a newsy season's greetings letter!

1. Have you wondered how the person you are writing to is weathering life-- perhaps you know of specific goals or challenges. Ask the question.
2. Have you been reminded of the deceased while doing a task, reading a book, cooking a meal?  Share that moment.
3. Have you felt sad or mad, inspired or delighted during the year, while thinking of the deceased? Declare your emotion.

Has this post reminded you of an upcoming anniversary? 

Begin your note, today, and thank you for caring!

Sympathy Cards

I LOVE SHOPPING FOR CARDS AND STATIONERY (though I cringe at some of their prices,) so if I don't see what I want in my personal stationery box, out I go. 

What do I look for in a sympathy card? Two elements:  design/art and printed verse/message should convey your personal style but more importantly:  it should feel compatible with the grieving person and circumstances of the loss. You'll know it's the right one when you find it.

Avoid splashy, crazy, chaotic designs, and plee-e-e-e-ze: no musical or recordable message cards!!

But wait! Don't just write "I'm sorry" and sign it! What's memorable about that? Set the card aside and, on a plain sheet of paper, start composing a message. Use the name of the deceased, make note of the relationship--and qualities you admired in the deceased or the bereaved. 

One of the most important condolence skills I can coach, is:  do not try to explain, fix, or heal the loss.  It is not in your power to do so, it is not expected, and your well-intentioned suggestions will not be appreciated ... just "care" ... care enough to write that condolence note.

Facebook Condolence Notes

IS IT OKAY TO SEND CONDOLENCES ON FACEBOOK? 

That question arose in a recent Ask Amy advice column, by a woman grieving the death of her father.

Explaining that she used both personal and electronic forms of communication to notify friends and co-workers of her dad's passing, she was fairly appalled to receive e-sympathy. And I nodded my head as I read her longing for "something I could hold, display and perhaps save."

Facebook fills many social networking needs, and memorial pages/death notices are being posted all the time. With growing frequency, families decline my offer to place an obituary (notice) in the newspaper, saying: "we'll let our friends know about the funeral with Facebook." An electronic culture of communication is a two-way street, though.

I appreciate how many people walk in the door of the funeral home with an envelope in hand and clearly, the recipients of those sympathy cards do, too.

• Please try to follow-up your Facebook comment with a real condolence note. 
• If you do not have the home address of your Facebook "friend," it is always acceptable to mail a card to the funeral home that handled the arrangements. We are happy to securely forward mail.