Undoing the Stress of llness

What is the Undoing Hypothesis?

"Undoing" is pretty simple: you counteract a stressful experience or situation with a steady intake of comforting images and experiences. It is so beautifully accessible to all, that I felt I must be its advocate...and encourage you to be, too.

I switch up toothpastes to relieve the boredom of brushing; this month, I started using a Tom's of Maine paste. I was inspired by the thought provoking tagline on the tube:

Do a little good today

(My friend Lauren calls it a mitzvah) 

This is right on target for UNDOING as that adjective 'little' entices us with a kernel of hope:  it may not take a huge, costly effort to heal from or regain equilibrium when a difficult experience or illness affects us emotionally. 

What does little look like?

Little could be: waving at a neighbor, snagging that crumpled flyer before it blows down the street, coming to a full stop at the corner, being patient in line, not muting a rambling storyteller in your zoom group, and texting "how are you today?" to an ill friend. 

Doing a little good...when someone is ill

Author image

An illness can be a brief inconvenience or a long road of struggle. When you know a friend or family member is struggling, one method of assisting with undoing is to 

...allow a person to live without a label 😎

One important way to do that is to follow Tom's suggestion to do a little good today. You don't have to concern yourself with cause, prognosis, or preparedness; just show up today and in whatever way seems best for the individual, do a little good!  For some, sending a funny photo, or adorable animal video link is a hit. Validation of the individual-- reminding them of their true qualities as a loving, creative, caring person-- is important. Share some affection, too---it's easy with emoji:  💓💞💜💝🎀🏆 Don't let seriousness overwhelm the circumstance: undoing can be helped by a silly moment, a laugh!👙👠⚽🎈🏄🎠🌅🌈🌎🌊

Let today be what it is. 

In a culture of supersizing, doing a little good has a lovely vibration of gentleness and simplicity. I love to simply ask "how is your day?" Then just listen. When you are trusted, your friend or loved one will feel safe saying things like "I don't feel well today," or "I didn't cry today," or even "I think I'm turning a corner: I'm ready to let it go."

My weekly visits to persons in a care center for hospice, take on many forms. It can be dining room chitchat about pigtails and ice cream. It can be offering one faith nugget to dispel worry or a kernel of kindness in playing an old song on your phone. I am not curing or removing a terminal condition; that is not my undoing role. But I am offering peace---the undoing of desperation and fear. Peace is a huge gift; actually, you are not giving the peace but you are helping someone navigate to find it in the center of their being. 

And the day(s) may come when you enter the room and say, "I'm here, it's me, __________, I'm just going to keep you company now."  And the 'little good' of just sitting quietly nearby, with or without a light touch, is immeasurably perfect.

More posts on supporting the ill or dying:

Ask The Coach: What to write to a Friend with Terminal Illness

Final Conversations: Helping the dying transition from this world

How to be a Friend during Terminal Illness

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Memorial Service Surprise: being quoted because you cared

Photo used with permission:
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

The memorial service was on Saturday afternoon at 2 o'clock, but my newly widowed neighbor had advised: come around 1:30 because it will get busy.

Our community has a sizable population of seniors. We enjoy varied interests, often volunteer, we have setbacks and sickness, we die.

You know how it is with neighbors

 

You connect with some, others are strangers but you know their car or truck. David was a good guy and being really sick didn't make him a hermit. If you needed a ride or a tool or advice about a snake in your yard--he was your go-to-guy. But he died.

We'd been to his bedside once hospice took over. His grip on my hand was fierce as he searched his weary brain for Bible citations, asking his wife to pull the Good Book down from a high shelf. Lisa opted for an iPad Concordance. Verses were read, but his hunger would not be met by the sagging slice of blueberry pie nearby. David was ready to harvest the crop of his life's sowing.

Led by David's widow to the front row at the memorial, we were greeted warmly before the service, by dozens of the congregation. 'Neighbors' had embarrassingly-exalted status here. Over and over, with handshakes and smiles, I repeated our appreciation for the family we came to support.

The designated speaker, Lamar, shared his own story of David's skill, kindness, and 'righteousness.' This go-to-guy had touched many lives. Reaching for a sheet, Lamar said, "Let me share from a note that Lisa received."

I began to hear my own words..."We were very saddened to not have more time with David. He lived the love-thy-neighbor Golden Rule..."

Photo used with permission:
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

Writing a condolence note, sharing your thoughts and memories in a sympathy card, is a gesture that touches more lives than you may imagine. It is a wonderful prospect, really: you have written to one person (in this case, David's wife) and yet, all who visited Lisa after the death, read-- and were comforted by-- the cards she had received. This is why a handwritten condolence note is so much more valuable than an electronic message:  it can be shared in a way that resonates with deeply-felt presence.

Don't let the prospect of unexpected readers scare you off! 

My Top 5 Keys for a Comforting Condolence Note
is a reliable aid; using two or three Keys is all it takes for a sensitive and comforting note.

1. I am very sorry.
2. I feel so fortunate to have known (use name) because___.
3. You have been a wonderful ___ (state relationship and cite an example, if possible.)
4. My favorite memory of (use name) is ___.
5. What I admired most about (use name) is ___.

Feel encouraged? Keep reading! 

Why Is Sympathy Sweet?

Don't Rush Your Condolence Note

The View from Downward Dog: Little Observations

Thank you for caring!

Carry On! What Ants Can Teach Us About Struggle

Author photo

Author photo

The Growing Through Grief series

UNEXPECTED LESSONS

On a walk this morning, I crossed paths with several ant colonies at work. Just as the bees, birds, and butterflies are busy collecting pollen and nectar from the wonderful blooms, the ants are signalling: it's feast time! What we sweep away as waste: dropped blooms, leaves, and other organic traces-- is headed for ant distribution, storage and most importantly: stomachs. 

Though we are routinely taught to shoo them away from the picnic table, and I'll admit: I don't want them in my home--ants are a fascinating species I have learned to learn from! 

YOU MAY BE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK

According to National Geographic Kids, "the ant is one of the world’s strongest creatures in relation to its size. A single ant can carry 50 times its own bodyweight, and they’ll even work together to move bigger objects as a group!"

When I am faced with an onerous or unfamiliar task, my knee-jerk reaction may be "I can't do it." But long ago, when faced with a challenging school project, my mother helped me sort out the difference between 'can't' and 'don't want to'. She gently advised me to not be afraid of hard work. Well, grieving can be a 'climbing Mt. Everest' kind of struggle. Every step requires the climber to dig soul-deep for the strength and motivation to continue. However, with very few exceptions, these climbers can reach the summit because they are roped with and work as-- a team!

DON'T 'GO IT ALONE'

Ants are team players-- described by entomologists as eusocial. (Yes, I take pride in noting that the workers in ant colonies are all female.) We've all observed long lines of ants carrying out tasks, and this is such an important reminder during the journey of grief. Don't  be a 'lone ranger. '

Western culture is often uncomfortable with death and grieving -- heck--we are even bombarded with anti-aging messages. The people around you may initially present admirable support, but culturally, the imperative to move on, leaves the grieving person behind. I explored these dynamics in my posts: Climbing Out of Deep Space: Through and Beyond Grief and What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved.

Thankfully, the Mourner's Bill of Rights validates your grief work. And as the ants teach us, you must form your own line(s) of ongoing support!

CALL IN THOSE FAVORS

"Ants don’t have ears, and some of them don’t have eyes! Ants “listen” by feeling vibrations from the ground through their feet, and eye-less ants such as the driver ant species can communicate by using their antennae! Plus, they can send chemical signals (called pheromones) released through their body to send messages to other ants!" (10 cool facts about ants, National Geographic Kids)

If you are in the early weeks of grief, you may need to form your own line(s) of ongoing support.  During the initial reactions and contacts by friends, were you frequently told "Let me know if you need anything"? Sympathizers usually feel so powerless, deeply wishing they could help you pole-vault over the pain and challenges. You may have felt overwhelmed or exhausted and at that moment could not hand over a list or ask for specific help.

During moments of strength, make some calls or send some texts:  ASK. 

My readers know that good condolence includes specific and detailed offers of assistance like driving, chores, shopping, babysitting, companionship during difficult tasks. But rather than dismissing those vague, open-ended offers of help as platitudes, corral them! Start texting and phoning to cover your specific needs:

• "Can you come with me to the Social Security office on Friday?"
• "Jenna needs a ride home from school next Monday."
• "I don't know how to use the lawn mower--can you help?"
• "I dread bagging up his clothes; would you keep me company for that?"

Inviting others to feel useful and helpful in ways that you approve and appreciate is a win-win. Once upon a time, this was the social norm, but the Beatles hit With a little help from my friends reminds us this is a timeless principle, and nature--indeed, the ants-- prove it!

Read more about coping with stress:
Coping with Covid-19

Thank you for caring!

Talking About Loss: What You Can Do

Author photo

Today, I thought it would be nice to let someone else do the talking.When it comes to living with more compassion and kindness, especially toward a grieving person, the Condolence Coach has addressed a prism's worth of topics. But I always feel the most compelling advocacy comes from the stories and comments of people who have journeyed through a loss.

The most-often expressed needs are for patience and presence.

 The story of Jeannette Maré, founder and Executive Director of the Ben’s Bells Project began from the depths of grief over the sudden death, in 2002, of her 3 year old son, Ben. Jeannette and friends began making clay bells in her backyard, finding peace and comfort in handling and creating with the earthen material.

"We decided to make hundreds of the Bells and distribute them randomly in our community to encourage the kindness that we so depended on to get through each day. Since Ben’s death, it had been the kindness of others, strangers and friends, that had helped us begin to heal. We wanted to find a way to pass on that kindness and to help others in the process."

Jeannette also realized that so many people are uncertain and nervous about making contact with a grieving person. She created this short video, to gently invite you forward because your kindness and caring are so important.

 Talking About Loss: what you can do 

Read more about condolence and the Kindness Movement:  The Kindness Movement is Paving Life's Rocky Trail

Thank you for caring!

The Kindness Movement is Paving Life's Rocky Trail

Naming the neighborly

Today, hectic commutes, air conditioned and triple pane windowed homes and a text-instead-of-knocking style often seal us off from neighborly cup-of-coffee-cup-of-sugar kindness. Filling this void are social movements for kindness, branded under local badges like Ben's Bells and the wide-armed embrace of The World Kindness Movement.

[Ben's Bells.org]

Ben's Bells explains the importance of kindness:

"Recent research demonstrates that kindness benefits our physical and mental health, and that recognizing kindness in others increases a person's happiness and satisfaction. But just as solving a calculus problem requires advanced math skills, the challenges of daily life require advanced kindness skills. By focusing on kindness and being intentional in our personal interactions, we can improve our ability to connect."

Be an island of kindness

Pulling up to the red light recently, I glanced across the three lanes to my left, where I knew he sat. A flash of recognition between us felt like God's eye. He raised his hand in a wave: a still palm, and I powered down my window to do the same. He left his low beach chair which daily rode the median island, and walked the two car lengths to stand and call to me: "Have you had a good day?" 

Still universal: the peace sign

Yes, it was God's voice, and my thoughts of reaching for my wallet, vanished. He was not a panhandler; in fact, the only sign I had ever seen said he was a 'hard working Vietnam veteran.'  "Have you had a good day?" was the kind of question I needed to answer  because yes-- I'd had a really good day:  the kind with divine fingerprints all over it in the form of solid intuitive prompts, solid handshakes, and that solid sensation of belonging where I stood.

"Yes! A blessed day!" I called across three car hoods, "and God bless you, too!" The light turned green, and I accelerated under its glow.

At first, I thought it was silly to make a social movement of a behavior that was part of my formation:  "Be kind to your sister (or brother)" mom or dad said. But I've come to see the value of those Be Kind decals; in a world where we need Laughter Yoga to induce a healthy howl, every reminder helps.

This post is one of those reminders, and comes with a bonus geology lesson!

Nice isn't necessarily easy

Gneiss boulders, author photo

Gneiss forming a tinaja, author photo

The striking rock pictured here is called gneiss (pronounced 'nice'.) I learned from prolific geology writer, John V. Bezy that, up to 35 million years ago, intense heat and pressure liquefied the minerals (feldspar, quartz and mica) of southern Arizona's Oracle and Wilderness granites. The material, "like hot, soft plastic [was] smeared in long ribbons parallel to the direction of the crustal stretching."
(Source: Bezy, John V., A Guide to the Geology of Sabino Canyon and the Catalina Highway)

Sometimes, I call my time outdoors, 'looking for gneiss,' knowing it is a dual opportunity to discover and participate in the homophones gneiss and nice. Creating nice (kindness) is far less intense than metamorphic gneiss, but I believe you will find it to be transforming. And it can become easy with practice. In my post about forming the habit of condolence writing, I reveal that practicing by doing becomes a feel-good experience you will return to again and again. Kindness (being nice) can take many, many forms; start with a smile, a small courtesy such as letting that merging car into your lane.

Condolence note writers begin with small kindnesses

Stepping up as a messenger of support helps a grieving person merge back into the flow of living. During this time of intense activity and feelings (a time line that is unique to each grieving person,) your kind words, in written form, are a touchstone of recognition and roadmap to resolution. Begin by spending a few moments reflecting...who you knew and know, what you shared and share, how you felt then and now. 

A note composed of simple observations and sincere expressions is a gift. 

• Use names
• Express appreciation for the deceased, and for the survivor
• Describe a quality that you respect or admire
• Share a memory
• Make an observation about a special moment or helpful influence
• Perhaps, offer some practical assistance such as transportation, child care, household help 

This blog covers many areas of loss, and more sensitive ways to support them. Come back often to polish your understanding and skills.
Thank you for caring!

Shakespeare Observes and Advises on Life and Loss

[Source]

William Shakespeare

English poet, playwright and actor, the "Bard of Avon" was by far one of the most astute observers of humanity. His works, though written six centuries ago (1589-1613) continue to be performed and studied around the world.

Observing Humanity

Daily life is full of surprises--the avenues to observation. The Condolence Coach believes that these moments expose us to great learning opportunities. Poignant, uncomfortable, sometimes tragic, observing humanity is an important tool to write a memorable condolence note.

Shakespeare's penned style is known as poetic free verse; its rhythmic flow of iambic pentameter (ten syllables to a line) masterfully captured wit and wisdom, passion and pathos. Let's explore some Shakespearean verse...

On Compassion: The Tempest

O, I have suffered
With those that I saw suffer.
(The Tempest. Act 1. Scene 2. Miranda speaking.)

Compassion is the ultimate wellspring for our notes. Yes, it requires you to leave the beach and go out to deeper waters. Read more about a compassionate response in  Compassion and Condolence: Finding the words to walk together. 

On Reserving Judgement:  Hamlet, King Lear

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment.
(Hamlet. Act 1. Scene 3. Polonius speaking.)
and
Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest.
(King Lear. Act 1. Scene 4. Fool speaking.)

Everybody has opinions:  that is what greases the wheels of social media! But opinions and advice do not belong in a condolence note...or a conversation with a grieving person. Unfortunately, grieving people are regularly bombarded with these. You may think you are cleverly phrasing a judgement as "helpful" but I guarantee you:  it will likely hurt. Read more about this problem:
Unusual Comforts in Grief: keep your opinions to yourself  and  The Myths About Grief and Getting Over It

[Source]

On Sharing Good Memories: The Tempest, Hamlet

He that dies pays all debts.
(The Tempest. Act 3. Scene 2. Stephano speaking.)
and
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
(Hamlet. Act 5. Scene 1. Hamlet speaking.)

Stephano's reference to "paying all debts" advises us to drop the grudges and let go of bad memories. All scores (debts) drop to zero. At best, realize that the end of life takes a person "out of the game" and it is unfair to keep hashing over and bashing on your complaint. Instead, this is the time to step into Hamlet's shoes and gaze at your good memories. Sit with a piece of paper and make note of stellar moments, admirable qualities--big and small, interactions that helped or inspired you. The results are wonderful elements for use in your condolence note.

Keeping It Kind:  Love's Labours Lost

Source

Let fame, that all hunt after in their lives,
Live register’d upon our brazen tombs
And then grace us in the disgrace of death;
When, spite of cormorant devouring Time,
The endeavor of this present breath may buy
That honour which shall bate his scythe’s keen edge
And make us heirs of all eternity.
(Love’s Labours Lost. Act 1. Scene 1. King Ferdinand speaking.)

While this goes hand in hand with the previous topic, I must highlight its importance:  condolence notes are acts of kindness. Period. Speak well of the dead. Speak well of those who helped their end of life journey. Speak well of those who survive. Read more about kindness in condolence:  No Addiction Required: 12 Step Wisdom for Condolence and The 5-Step Good Life: Making Condolence Notes a Habit

On Loss of a Relationship:  King John

[Source]

Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form:
Then have I reason to be fond of grief?
Fare you well: had you such a loss as I,
I could give better comfort than you do...
O Lord! my boy, my Arthur, my fair son!
My life, my joy, my food, my all the world!
My widow-comfort, and my sorrows' cure!
(King John, Act III Constance speaking)

This soliloquy by Constance evokes the terrible pain of losing a child. In fact, she tells us that her son, Arthur, had been her "widow-comfort"-- that after losing a husband, the relationship with her son had alleviated sorrow and loneliness. The Condolence Coach acknowledges that we are powerless to change the circumstances of a loss, but we can comfort with our gift of words:  the memories, the appreciation. We can comfort by listening over a cup of coffee, with an invitation to take a walk or a scenic drive. Constance speaks of losing her son, but the relationship could be spouse, parent, sibling, grandchild. Read more about loss of relationships:
SPOUSE: Joy's Warrior Dragon: Courage Befriends a Widow
GRANDCHILD: When Grandparents Grieve
CHILD:  Missing Children: Sharing Hope While Sharing a Nightmare
SIBLING: Missing In Action! A Soldier's Sister Keeps Vigil

Thank you for caring!

No Addiction Required: 12-Step Wisdom for Condolence

Rev. Dr. Andrea Travers is a survivor; surrendered at birth to foster care, until a grandmother discovered and took responsibility for raising her. "As a loner, I turned to spirituality and a relationship with a higher power at a young age," she explains. And when her birth mother reclaimed her, Dr. Travers' life included the chaos of an alcoholic home life. But she views it all with compassion, recognizing that life experiences can forge strength and, in the company of good choices, wisdom.

Before I address condolence writing, let's follow the path Dr. Travers created, to illuminate an important point: We write condolence because we care. 

Compassion literally means 'to suffer together.'

Author Image

The interactive website 12wisdomsteps.com supports the realization that 'we live in a world of common unity.'  In other words, we share basic needs, which appear around the pictured mandala. Those needs (called Unifying Principles,) serve to "re-label" the 12 Steps.

Follow the link of each principle to Dr. Travers' explanation and interpretation across the world's wisdom traditions:

1. Honesty  
2. Hope
3. Faith
4. Courage
5. Integrity
6. Willingness
7. Humility
8. Love
9. Justice
10. Perseverance
11. Spirituality
12. Service

Once you are grounded in the 12 Steps (or Travers' Unifying Principles) life--and how you live it, changes. It is like wearing a pair of glasses that filter out the low-energy reactions of anger, blame, doubt, deceit, fear, pessimism, and isolation. 

No addiction required

The beauty of the Unifying Principles is that you don't need to be in recovery or attending 12-Step meetings, to enjoy them. What they will bring to your condolence writing is remarkable:  an inspired, non-judgmental encouragement to someone suffering in grief.

Unifying Principles in Condolence

1. Honesty:  Admitting and accepting that we are powerless when a death occurs is an act of honesty. As mortals, death is inevitable, though sometimes circumstances are tragic and painful. Saying 'I'm so sorry" and '"I'm so sad" are a good start.
2. Hope:  For many, early grief is excruciating and the horizon appears like a black wall. Never minimize someone's grief or apply a platitude about happy endings. But you can suggest "one day, you will breathe easier."
3. Faith:  A common warning to people who lose a spouse is 'don't rush into big changes or serious decisions.' Unless competency is an issue, I believe a grieving person can connect with inner wisdom and make sound decisions. Be the voice that doesn't promulgate fear; support the widowed person's right to steer their own ship: '"I have always trusted you; it's time to trust yourself."  
4. Courage:  It is easy to stand in the herd of funeral sympathizers, give yourself credit for showing up, and be done with the interruption. The Tao reminds us that the quality of our actions affect others. Choose the truly compassionate path: write a condolence note. Was there a song, a photo, a story shared in the eulogy that you can comment on?
5. Integrity:  A condolence note is not about you; it is a gift of care and must never be hurtful, critical, or cruel. Before your pen touches paper, clear your mind of negative feelings--your issues--release them to your journal or a counselor. Now you are ready to compose a non-judgmental, comforting note: "The loss of [name] must be very hard. I know I didn't come by often, but I am deeply grateful for the many ways you made his life better..."
6. Willingness: Consider spending some goodwill today. It is too easy to stay in your comfort zone, taking care of your own needs until there's nothing leftover. Pick up the phone and extend an invitation to lunch, transportation, help with chores. Do this cheerfully.
7. Humility:  From time to time, I observe a situation that prompts me to whisper: 'there, but for the grace of God, go I.' I remember with awe countless mercies and acts of generosity that carried me across critical life turning points (Thank you, Dad...) This principle is a wonderful reminder to express appreciation for the life of the deceased AND those who loved and cared for them. Express this with a few detailed observations or memories. 
8. Love:  Kindness. Kindness. Kindness. Just as no day should be without it, no condolence note should be sealed without your earnest wish for peace in the heart of the bereaved. One footnote here:  in my years of funeral service, I occasionally met survivors who could not afford their loved one's final arrangements, however simple. If you are able, consider a contribution toward expenses.
9. Justice:  As a friend or acquaintance to someone who grieves, you are standing on a sidewalk, looking into a window. You may know some of the story or witnessed their tears (or lack of,) but you do not truly know what they are experiencing. Tread gently on that sidewalk; don't keep score--don't judge. Consider helpful, fuss-free gestures:  show up with a casserole or tray of cookies, shovel snow, plant a flat of flowers... 
10. Perseverance:  In grief, there are good days and bad days which often occur unpredictably. One reason the Condolence Coach suggests not rushing a note is that the appearance of one--out of the blue, after funeral-driven attention wanes--is a boost and a balm. Yours can be the note which says: "I woke up to the rain and wondered how you are holding up? I remember the mountain of details when my mom died. Can I lend a hand? My cell is ###"
11. Spirituality:  Praying for someone who is grieving, is a unique gift. In response to our powerlessness [see principle 1] it can be comforting to 'let go and let God.' I do not want readers to evangelize their belief system in condolence notes, but if you pray for the grieving, it is nice to let them know. "Do you know that feeling when the wind is at your back? Well, I want you to know that I am praying for you; hoping you know you're not alone. Take good care of yourself."
12. Service:  When Jesus told his followers, "You are the light of the world," he expressed a truth about all people:  we are here to serve each other. Sometimes the work is fun, but sometimes we must take a deep breath and extend ourselves to others. This is compassion. It is your highest calling. The good news is that, with practice, condolence notes become easier to write. Keep reading this blog (if you are new to it, catch up on the 100+ archived posts) and you will discover your 'light'.

I want to express my appreciation to Rev. Dr. Travers for her outstanding work and wisdom-rich website!

Thank you for caring!

The 5-Step Good Life: Make Condolence Notes a Habit

American psychologist, Martin Seligman, coached that there are 5 components of a "good life." 

Using the acronym, PERMA    [Source]  he theorized that we can  control our sense of well being with the following habits:

Positive emotion — every night before sleep, write down 3 things that went well, and why

Engagement — rather than taking shortcuts, apply your best skills, ("highest strengths") to any task

Relationships — connect with people--the levels of intimacy will vary, but avoid isolation

Meaning — find where you belong, to serve something bigger than your own agenda

Achievement — determination is the key to any endeavor

author image

The best part of this theory is the discovery about habits. Seligman laughingly gives the example of the pleasure in eating ice cream-- before you know it, it's gone, and another carton soon winds up in your freezer!

Because positive emotions feel so good, their origins can easily become habits. 

The general idea of "habit" can be daunting or delightful.

Your morning coffee enticed you out of a warm bed, but knowing you must "put in your time" on the treadmill elicits a groan.Writing condolence notes will always take some time. They require an investment of heartfelt focus.

These are the sources of positive emotions by regularly writing notes:

• Perhaps you had a conversation with the bereaved during the illness that resulted in death, or at the funeral service. Listening is an act of kindness, a comforting acknowledgement of your friend and their concerns. This connection adds value to the note you will write.
• Your note is like a gift that arrives unexpectedly in the mail. Its recipient can sit down for a few minutes to read, and feel bathed in a aura of caring. 
• More times than I can count, I am eventually told how much my note was appreciated. People use expressions like, "I'll keep it forever," "I've read it so many times," "I showed it to my mother." 

THE COACH DISCUSSES THIS THEME IN THESE POSTS:

Why Is Sympathy Sweet?

Ithaca College President Reaches Out

You Can't Erase Death's Shadow, Sorrow

Why I Write Condolence Notes

Share these thoughts with a friend, and thanks for caring!

Youth Making a Difference: Capes for Kids

I usually end my posts with Thank you for caring! 

Today, let's start there, with a shout out to Youth Making a Difference. 

Source

International in scope, I discovered the Livonia Schools' program in a newspaper story. One photo, captioned:  "Kindergartener, [name,]worked on a project called Capes for Kids" tugged at my heartstrings and imagination.

When you're six years old, your ability to change the world is very small. It might involve putting toys and clothes back where they belong. If it's a task outside the house, your Mom has to say 'okay' and 'be home by supper.'

So, some schoolkids in one town decided to raise money to support Capes for Kids, which is part of The Hero Project at the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital in Indianapolis, Indiana. Many other great causes were also supported.

Youth Making a Difference "attempts to involve K-12 in volunteerism" by helping kids understand how little kindnesses make the world a better place. The Livonia Public Schools' Parent Teacher Student Association (PTSA) has a list of tasks ranging from shoveling snow for a neighbor and helping a teacher, to recycling cans and filling bird feeders. One of the noted benefits of volunteer service is:

"to learn and value cooperation, caring, empathy, generosity and concern for others."

The Condolence Coach believes that caring kids have a pretty good chance of growing up to be caring adults.

Leaders Do The Right Thing: Condolence and Professional Relationships

This is the second in a series about leaders who understand the need to step off the operations train from time to time...

Author Image

We look to leaders for direction, strategy and goals, project reviews and (dis)approvals. Sometimes, our leaders provide inspiration ... and sometimes they are called upon to provide sympathy. 

A leader cannot be too busy to care.

Thomas Rochon, Ithaca College President since 2008, hits the ground running each day-- at whatever hour the day demands.  He responds to the college, the community, and the hundreds of warm connections honed during an education career that was launched nearly 40 years ago at the University of Michigan, and progressed to span three continents (and many time zones!)

Dr. Rochon, "Tom," has plenty of valid excuses to opt for a sympathy email/text/tweet, or delegate staff to send "a nice floral arrangement," but he does not.

A Kind Word

My book concludes with one of my favorite poems that, in simple terms says:  the world sucks sometimes; it's hard to get a break and even harder to get a kind word.
One of the most memorable features of your condolence note should be "a kind word." Fill your heart with gratitude, admiration--even awe, and pour it out like a sweet balm.

Author image

I have tried to adopt "balm pouring" as a lifestyle. It makes life sweet, but it is an art. At home in the morning, there are times when I pour fresh, fragrant coffee from the French press into my mug and keep pouring beyond the rim! It's fascinating to watch the physics of capacity (enhanced by a fresh-from-bed brain) as liquid and brim strive earnestly to preserve the delicious nectar.

As you draft your note, pour with a free hand. Kindness--like a cup--has a brim; you will feel what is excessive and your finished message will glisten with light.

...To heal by grace-

kind and caring,
we smooth the splintered plank,
dull the point,
and gentle cheerless corners of
the sharp-edged world.