Writing Condolence to Clergy

My husband and I know a lot of clergy and, just like the rest of us, they experience deaths in their family. We sympathize with their losses and have even traveled out of state for funerals. Contemplating a condolence note however, elicits a pause in the best of letter writers.

It is natural to feel hesitant or even intimidated, thinking:

• They're an expert on counsel and comfort
• What can I say that they don't already know
• They have a deeper wisdom and inner strength
• What if I say something that doesn't fit with their doctrine of beliefs
• I am not a member of their church
• I do not follow or practice their religion
• Maybe my note would be an invasion of privacy
• I didn't know their family

Mt. Hope 
Congregational Church

The Condolence Coach posed these hesitations to Rev. Dr. Steven B. Schafer, pastor of Mt. Hope Congregational Church in Livonia, Michigan. Rev. Schafer is the author of Funerals for Strangers, A Resource of Compassionate Care for Those Who Grieve. He has officiated at hundreds of funerals for families who do not have a church affiliation, but still want a prayerful and spiritually uplifting service for their loved one. Rev. Schafer meets with each family, attentively gathering a rich profile of the deceased's life in order to craft a heartwarming eulogy.  

Rev. Schafer cautioned that he "can't speak for all clergy," but I think his remarks will deepen your commitment to condolence writing.

We hesitate to write to clergy because...

1. You're an expert on counsel and comfort; what can I say that you don't already know?

Rev. Schafer: You can't say anything they don't already know, but that is true for everyone we might want to express sympathy to. We all know the "pat answers." 

2. You have a deeper wisdom and inner strength.

Rev. Schafer: Pastors are just as human as anyone else and feelings run just as deep. Yes, the inner strength may be a bit deeper, yet when grief comes, that often fades away and we are as vulnerable as anyone else. We've learned to put a distance between ourselves and the deaths we face in our congregations simply because that is expected and called for. When we lose someone we love, though, we hurt as deeply as anyone else. We cannot put those emotions on hold, nor should we.

3. What if I say something that doesn't fit with your doctrine of beliefs?

Rev. Schafer: Don't worry about our doctrine in times of crisis. We've had people hold differing positions from our own all our professional lives and unless it is heresy we just let it go in times like this. 
Don't say: "At least he's in a better place." Theologically a minister may not believe that to be the case and we don't want to discuss that with sympathizers. Unless the deceased is a person of faith, you'll never hear a minister using that phrase. 
Don't say: "It was God's will." Yes, we believe God is sovereign but that isn't the same as God's will always being done. We've seen God's will thwarted often in our lives and ministries. 
Say something like: "I'm so glad his suffering is over," or "It must have been so hard these past few months, watching him struggle," or "It must be difficult to imagine life without him now." These express empathy without stepping into theology.

4. I am not a member of your church.

Rev. Schafer:  Not a member of my church? Wonderful! I need an "outsider" to minister to me. My own flock are the people I minister to - even when I am, myself, in grief. If someone else loves me enough to express sympathy they are ALWAYS welcome.

5.  I do not follow or practice your religion.

Rev. Schafer: Different religion? Again, I appreciate having an "outsider" care about my feelings and situation. Don't pretend you know all that I believe. Just be there. Say you are sorry for my loss. Give me a hug. 

6.  Would my note be an invasion of privacy?

Rev. Schafer: A written note is NEVER an invasion of privacy - unless you expect a reply.

The Condolence Coach:  Rev. Schafer has a quick wit, but there is truth in what he says. A condolence note is not an 'exchange.' Your note is a gift that requires no thank-you from the bereaved.    

7.  I didn't know your family member.

The Condolence Coach:  That is never an excuse from writing. See my suggestions in the steps listed below.

5 steps for your note to grieving clergy 

1. Use simple stationery or a card with a simple design. If there is a printed message on a card, it should be brief and kind but not syrupy.
2. Find out and use the name of the deceased: it's okay to ask the person you are writing to, "what is your mother's name?" Your goal to recognize the humanity of clergy can be achieved by commenting on the relationship (mother, father, sibling, grandparent...) and sharing a parallel experience if you have had that loss.
3. In addition to the sentiments suggested by Rev. Schafer, the Condolence Coach offers Keys To Comfort expressions such as: "I hope you are having a chance to share stories and memories with others in the family," and "many people are probably thinking about ______, and how she touched their lives."  
4. Your note can improve its ranking as 'memorable' by using these Keys to Comfort: Sharing a personal memory and/or Appreciation for survivor's (the clergy you are addressing) personal qualities.  
5. Don't over-think it, but a simple closing should mirror your familiarity with the clergy person: 'Sincerely' or 'Take Care' is always appropriate. Writing to your own minister or church staff invites deeper feeling such as 'Keeping you in my prayers,' or 'May God bless and comfort you.'

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You Can't Erase Death's Shadow, Sorrow

Playing with shadows is fun for kids.

[Source]

When the sun is high in the sky, the shadow you cast is very small. Likewise, when life is "sunny", our problems seem to pass like wispy clouds. But when the sun is low in the sky, our shadows grow long ... and we can't outrun them.

Death casts a shadow of sorrow on the life of survivors.

POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

We look to leaders for direction, strategy and goals, project reviews and (dis)approvals. Sometimes, our leaders provide inspiration ... and sometimes they are called upon to provide sympathy. It is not a task to be delegated, as the President of the United States (POTUS) recognizes.

The circumstance of the loss--even suicide, does not discount the need for sympathy.

In 2011, President Barack Obama reversed a long-standing Department of Defense policy of not sending condolence to families of soldiers who commit suicide during deployment. To remove the stigma associated with the unseen wounds of war, the President set the example of staying with the core concepts of why we write condolence notes:

"Keys To Comfort" explained

The Keys to Comfort are topics suggested for condolence notes.

I designed them to span various levels of familiarity (did you know the deceased or just a family member?) They are also situation specific (did you face a loss with identical circumstances?)

Let's look at a couple.

1. Sharing the loss: 

 This Key is used to acknowledge your mutual loss. Just saying "I am so sorry that Mia died" is a way to share the loss. "We are really going to miss your mom at the weekly sing-a-longs!" Is another way to share the loss. Grief can be an isolating experience, so it is truly comforting to remind a bereaved person that they are not alone!

2. Sharing a well-known memory: 

 This Key gives you an opportunity to share a story that many people remember. (Nothing embarrassing!) At the funeral home, I frequently hear this Key applied. "Gordie had a unique way of answering the phone..." and the room full of people chuckle and nod and feel warmly united in affection. Including this Key in your note is a way to celebrate the person.

200 million year old petrified ammonite fossil
[Source]

The Coach has more Keys to Comfort! Stay tuned and thank you for caring!

Boston Marathon Crisis and Why I Write Condolence Notes

To have another birthday is a privilege.

[Source]

Blogging can be a quiet activity. Statistics can be small. It can be tempting to say, "Why bother? Nobody's listening" and take a few weeks or months off of posting.

[Bonn Marathon; Source]

But with the senseless crisis in Boston last week (I'm a recreational runner,) my commitment to sensitizing the world must step up to the line.

Let's review the most important precept of condolence:

We are powerless over the loss and subsequent pain, but saying "I'm sorry" and applying a sincere hug or handshake is an act you DO have power over.

You have the power to express that you care.

Share this thought with a friend, and thank you for caring!