In the Bewilds: Trekking Grief's Wilderness

The Growing Through Grief series

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Let me be clear: this is a trek with all the challenges of a Himalayan expedition: low oxygen, sapping exertion, sudden storms, and shivering alone in your tent. This wilderness of experience and eviscerating emotion--what I've dubbed the Bewilds, is both an uncontrolled ride down rapids and a process of choices. Open to it all, I find myself awed by the day's catalogue of wonders: a caring email, phone message, or invitation, a kindred soul walking her dog, another pair of hands for an unfamiliar task.

In so-named books, Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD refers to 'the wilderness of grief' as life changing. Francis Weller, MFT suggests 'the wild edge of sorrow' is an invitation to sacred ground. Just as I approached my husband's dying as a sacred journey, I am committed to trying to grieve with a higher consciousness, a patient awareness.

The formidable and even frightening solo trek becomes a mindful mile if I pause to pull essentials from my pack. Surprising reliefs are found in deep and easy breaths, the reviving self care of rations, rest, and light reading. Like an LED flashlight, a companion's visit brings calming clarity; and the littlest accomplishment soothes weariness as if pulling on soft socks. 

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In Grieving,The Sacred Art, Hope in the Land of Loss, Lisa Irish notes,

 "Loss can be mourned even as positive changes become evident."  

Numerous philosophers have explored the hair's width of space between endings and beginnings. So, trekking the Bewilds is not without tears ... or anticipation. 

Hoping to feel 'like your old self' is like reaching for your comfort food. I inwardly cringed when a 5-year widow admitted to still having painful, tearful moments. My peers help me to grasp that grieving is not like post surgical rehab. We have been 'transformed' and live a 'new normal.'

This post is simply a moment in my trek into my new normal. I know that I will continue to change and grow-- and even backup, when necessary. Every griever is a solo trekker and should be respected as such. 

The Condolence Coach continues to suggest that before giving practical advice or spiritual direction to a person in mourning, you ask them if they want it. You could say things like: This may not apply to you, but when I was grieving my dad...  or You'll know when you feel ready to... or I'm glad I have a special spot to go say hello... 

Thank you for caring!

Grief Is Exhausting: Nourishing a Friend's Energy

Grief is exhausting

One of the most common statements about the grief journey is how "it wipes you out."  I love how The Grief Toolbox contributor Gman8361 gets right to the point in How to Deal with the Exhaustion of Grief:  

"Losing a loved one is like being hit by a bus. It immobilizes us. The shock waves are immense, and roll over us again and again, relentless and debilitating. Some days, we can barely lift our heads. Chronic fatigue, even exhaustion, is a common and natural experience for those in heavy grief."

Face it:  your grieving friend needs massive transfusions of your love, patience, and help.  The kind of help you may offer should tune into their life and circumstances.

• Do kids need carpooling?
• Does a home landscape need periodic care?
• How about spending some time with their family pet? (it knows the sh#!t has hit the fan)
• Would a grocery run ease stress?

Traditionally, neighbors brought casseroles--prepared foods-- to a grieving family, and that is still a lovely thing to do. 

I have gotten into the habit of packing a few extra snacks when I join friends for a hike, and these simple energy balls are well received. Loaded with nutrition and energy boosting natural sugars like dried fruit and locally sourced honey, they comfort and satisfy. Don't like raisins? Use another dried fruit like chopped dates. Easy to make, easy to store: share a zipper bag of this snack with a grieving friend, soon.

Deborah’s Energy Balls

In a large bowl, mix ingredients in the order listed, reserving the coconut for finishing.

2 cups rolled oats

1/2 cup chia seeds

1/2 to 3/4 cup ground flax seed or 'meal'

1 cup dark raisins

1 tsp sea salt

1 cup almond butter

1 cup honey, locally sourced*

finely flaked, unsweetened coconut, for rolling

This creates a firm mixture but try to blend all ingredients. To make the balls, spoon up dough, shaping into balls, then roll in a bowl of fine coconut. Place on parchment lined sheet. Baking is unnecessary. Freeze to firm, then package in zipper bags and continue to store, frozen. To serve, allow some thawing.

*honey from your local bees and blossoms may boost  your immune system.  DO NOT give honey, whether raw or pasteurized or contained in a recipe such as this, to children under the age of 12 months.

Thank you for caring!