Grief and Condolence During the Holidays

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This is the darkest day of the year... 

according to astrophysical data; the winter solstice brings sunrise later and sunset sooner. For someone grieving, that's nothing new. 

And it doesn't need to be "new" grief to feel acute at this time of year. Holiday seasons are known to trigger sentimental longings in general, and very painful longings for loved ones (and pets) who are no longer in our physical world.

If you are compassionately leaning toward others who are struggling during these days of holiday songs, decorations, gaiety, and celebration rituals, here are some helpful ideas from some of my past posts.

If you are grieving---newly or seasonally, these and other posts may be helpful. You can use the keyword search to find many more supportive posts, including posts about specific types of loss.

Gifts For Someone Grieving

Condolence During the Holidays

Nan Zastrow's 8 Steps to Tame the Holiday Blues

Supporting Grieving Teens

Compassion for Pet Loss

Surprise: I Thought I Was Past Grieving

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Time Management After A Loss: Average Days Are Good!

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We all strive--or hope and pray for daily equilibrium but in truth, life can be like corn popping --

challenging us to adapt, respond, navigate. We can be quite amazing in how much we juggle, how we steady ourselves with humor, gratitude, love, and dedication. 

Weighty Days

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Living with grief has enough "weight" attached to it that a person can truly feel in an altered state.  Whether one is coming down from the intensity of caregiving, or coping with sudden changes and stresses in financial security and family matters, ADAPTING, RESPONDING, and NAVIGATING don't come as easily now. At times, we can't see the crack of light under the weight. For most of us, time and a support system enable us to recover--growing stronger and more steady as we regain equilibrium.

I'll take average!

Visiting patients on hospice at a local care facility, my presence as a friendly listener relieves monotony and loneliness. During a recent visit with a 93 year old man I'll call "Dustin," I was both enlightened and delighted by an unintentional pearl of wisdom. The conversation went like this:

"How's your day going, Dustin?"

"Uh, some of it hasn't been easy, but some has been good. I guess it's been average."

"Average? Wow--like finding the average among numbers. I like that, Dustin! Difficult plus good averages out to an average day. Not much wrong with that."

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While my enthusiasm far surpassed his, Dustin acknowledged me with a slight smile, focusing on drawing oxygen from the nasal cannula.  "Average" has had a bad rap as underachieving, compromising, pathetic. I propose we see average as harmonizing, accepting, stable. When you are on a river, "going with the flow" sums up a current that may have rocks and floating debris, as well as leaping fish and turtles on logs. It averages out well.

Dustin's remark stands out as a tremendous way to cope with the great swings that occur during grieving. If I can AVERAGE the dark or sad moments with the lift I feel at seeing new blooms and a bird at the feeder; the comfort of a friend's compassionate call; the coziness of wearing a loved one's hoodie... 

I can average out the day's moments and feel hope on this journey...one hill, one day at a time.

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Making it Through the Moment, No Matter How Tough

The Growing Through Grief Series

It is a human tendency to encapsulate or categorize time into quantities. We order our days with calendars, reminder notifications and heaps of anticipation or dread. But isn’t it true that we only experience moments?  Some of us came from climates where weather changed quickly. We’d tease: wait five minutes and it will be different.

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A blue sky now clouds over; a downpour suddenly ceases, a clear road is overcome with whiteout. The same occurs in relationships: a facial expression or comment can 'change the weather' of the moment so that we feel warmed and welcomed or anxious and awkward.

Is there a reason for this moment?

In The Magic of Awareness,  Anam Thubten, Rinpoche, invites the recognition that “this very moment cannot be any better than it is right now.” If you’ve ever been told ‘everything happens for a reason,’ then it can be helpful to take a deep breath and trust that the moment will lead to the next, best moment. Life coach Byron Katie stated, "Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late."

This is not fluff or hogwash. Having faced myriad 'take a deep breath' life situations, I know the signs of crisis or coping. As a young woman, I quickly reacted with strong, sometimes debilitating emotions. In my post, H.A.L.T: Avoiding Self Care Red Flags, the support of a caring person helped anchor me to the present. In more recent years, my mindfulness practices (yoga, meditation, affirmative prayer) led me to ask that important question: Is there a reason for this moment?

Used with permission,
Melinda Rogers

Often, we are simply standing in 'someone else's weather,' -- minor kerfluffles or the dramatic storms of their life and/or death. My friend Charlotte notes that, from moment to moment, we either teach or learn. If the reason or purpose is not readily apparent, wait on the revelation of insight. Keep your heart open, and it will come.

Health challenges

When changes in health occur -- from catching an inconvenient cold, getting a positive Covid-19 test, or the spiral into chronic or terminal illness -- it is extremely hard to stay centered in the moment. And it takes tremendous support or spiritual grounding to accept the condition with peace, welcoming its insights and growth. Still, it is worth trying and of course, the key is to make it through the moment.

Steps to help someone make it through the moment

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• Understand that your presence and acceptance of someone's struggle is a huge part of the help. This is an important concept in any form of vigiling or support because without words, it communicates 'you are not alone.'
• Tips for credibility of presence: silence and place your cell phone somewhere it won't be disturbing or tempting. If you must keep track of time, state that up front and set an appliance timer (like the stove) so you don't keep checking. Turn off the TV. Respectfully declutter your visiting area by removing a meal tray, stacking mail elsewhere, straighten a blanket, fluff a pillow, clear or straighten miscellany from nearby surfaces, and bring one pretty decorative item into view.
• My friend, Melinda, reminds me that staying in the moment can be as simple as quality time with friends, family, pets, and doing activities such as crafting or cooking.
• Believe that acceptance of the moment will be helpful. Always be loving and gentle. View the moment with the same awe or wonderment as if you were observing an unusual work of art. Simply accepting it is more important than understanding all of the whys for this life situation or condition. 
• It can be said that life is a tapestry of situations or conditions. It is an energetic mystery but when I resist a situation, I prolong it and my stress or pain; when I accept it, resolution or relief come quickly.

• Sacred poetry blogger-philosopher Ivan M. Granger mused in a recent Thought for the Day post: 

Come to that confrontation with yourself, on all sides. Come unarmed. The secret: Embrace everything you find.

• In the company of your friend facing the challenge, listen, and empathize with your presence and caring expression or a light touch but avoid launching into a complex discussion of the story.
• Ask a series of questions that require in-the-moment responses. Examples are:
• Do you feel warm or cold? Would you like me to adjust the room temperature, loosen your clothing or put a throw on your lap? 
• Where is there discomfort now? What form of relief can we try? 
• What thoughts are you having now? Can you name something good about this moment? What are you grateful for right now?
• Describe a challenge that you are having right now? Say something to it !
• How does this room we're in comfort or annoy you? What are your favorite things in this room? What can we adjust to make it more pleasing?
• What or who can you forgive or ask forgiveness for right now? Do you need to forgive a part of your body?
• What are you teaching in this a moment?
• As a companion, you may be able to suggest something that you are being 'taught' by your friend/loved one's experience. 
• What are you learning in this moment?
• If this was a perfect day, what would it be like?
• What part of this day is perfect?
• Tell me about someone who is still benefiting from a help you once gave?
• Finally, one of the most powerful centering practices is to view or hold one small thing--preferably something from nature-a rock, a twig, a shell- and study it with sight, touch, smell. Think of its creation, its experiences; this focus can produce awe, joy, and peace.

Presence has power and powerlessness

Have you noticed this duality? Look closely at the smallest thing you have power over, as well as the things you surrender to. This is part of the human experience. Awareness and surrender to the circumstance can be a freeing choice. Exploring these two topics through reading and contemplation will enlighten--truly brighten your path. Share the insight gently, as life invites you.

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

 Readers,

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It's been awhile since I just wrote some basics about supporting a grieving person. So here is a refresher, listing a dozen simple ways to express sympathy and render comfort. 

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

(from your trusted source: The Condolence Coach)

1. Listen.  2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult. "Gosh, this is a difficult time!" 3. A gentle hug or nonintrusive touch may have more value than words.  4. We all die, but there is no "easier" age for the grieving; this includes a miscarried child. 5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.  6. Learn and use a name, but it's okay to just write 'your Mom.' 7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence. 8. Ask a survivor for one of ​their​ favorite memories.  9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note. 10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.  11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices. Don't suggest things like adopting another pet, that they start dating, or that they try to have another baby. 12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring and sharing!