Condolence for Sibling Loss

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The grieving experience of losing a brother or sister has some universal qualities but will also be highly individualized: people--and their relationships--are like that! Sibling losses may happen at any age, affecting all members of a family; see links to other posts, below. 

We have a particular sense of tragedy linked to the age of the person; But if you speak to a mature adult who mourns a sibling, they may express deep sorrow. Over the years, I have asked several people if they would be willing to write about their loss for this blog but always, the loss feels too fresh or complex for composition.  I simply encourage them to honor their grief journey. 

Finding words instead of walking on eggshells

Feeling understood--or at least, met with compassion, is such a gift. The Condolence Coach reminds readers that you can't fix the loss or remove its pain. Here are options to turn powerlessness into a power with the gifts of caring, listening, and supporting our shared human experience.

When you do not know the sibling

Unless you are an only child, you know what growing up with siblings is about... your own version of a family and its dynamics is individual but still, common ground exists. When you are told of the death, try to ask a few simple questions:

What is your brother/sister's name? Where do they live? Had you seen him/her in recent years? Do they have children or grandchildren? Any of these questions give you tools to personalize your condolence note. 

Sample note #1:

Dear _______,

I want to again express my condolence for the loss of your brother. Yes, we're 'of the age' for such things, but that cannot soothe the impact. Your brother 'shadowed' your own growing up, and knew you in ways most others don't. I have no doubt that you have been a beloved brother. How wonderful that _[share a wonderful fact, such as a recent visit, if any]_!

I like to remember (and have reminded myself of this when faced with family loss) that 'family' is a term which has no expiration date; bodies arrive and depart, but the relationship forever resides in the heart. I hope that thought can also be of comfort to you and [name other family or spouse of note's recipient, if any]_. 

Warmly,

Sample note #2:

 Dear______,

I was sorry to learn of your brother's recent death at his home in [location]. So many of us here feel that challenge of family distances during difficult times.  Does he leave children, a spouse? 

I have found such comfort in sharing memories at a time like this, and can only imagine the heartwarming conversations you've been having with those who knew and loved your brother. I would like to hear some of your memories.

When you know the sibling

It is such a 'plus' to have been acquainted with the decedent you are writing about. Have you had opportunities to see the siblings together? Knowing the sibling, or having heard many stories about their relationship to your friend, supports you in sharing kind memories or warm reflections. If there were difficulties, DO NOT assume you are being a good friend by bringing them up! Your note should never include disparaging, judging or painful comments.

Sample note:

Dear ______,

Thank you so much for letting me know of your sister [sibling name]'s passing. After losing your brother, Mike, last year, I can't imagine how battered you must be feeling. You often spoke about growing up  with [sibling name], appreciating that you were close in age. I loved your stories about [_____________].

Will her children be hosting a Celebration of Life? If you'll be traveling, I can take care of Puff, and watch the house. For now, be good to yourself: bathe your tender heart in sunrises and sunsets...

Sibling losses may happen at any age

Consider these variables:

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All members of a family are affected by sibling loss. 

• Read about how families cope at the loss of an infant
• Alexis Marie Chute writes about how her children responded to their brother's death
• My post on grieving grandparents has a continual stream of readers

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

6 Tips for Writing Condolence to a Relative

I have a strong suspicion that many readers have not considered writing a condolence note to a relative. Do you recognize these 6 excuses?

1. We see each other a lot.
2. I just saw them at the service.
3. We call, text, or Facebook each other.
4. Writing seems so formal.
5. I'd rather give a hug than a letter.
6. They'll find out I'm not a writer.

When Grandma died in the airport

I do write condolences to relatives, and readers of my book remember the story of Grandma's death in an airport restroom. Awful, right? Now imagine how frightened, panicked, and devastated her family felt. Grandpop and my father waited in the terminal while my mother accompanied her mother to the ladies room. "I don't feel well. I need to sit down," moaned Grandma as she sunk to the floor. Being a practical woman, she unpinned her 'corset money' from an undergarment, which she earned from bead and crochet crafts, and handed it to her daughter. My mother felt so powerless to render comfort other than her presence. And by the time an EMT team arrived, Grandma had succumbed to the heart attack.

Yes, I wrote a note to my mother! It's in the book. For losses spanning human, pet, job and other difficult life circumstance, I  have written condolences to my father, siblings, sisters-and-mother-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. 

Relatives are people, too

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The reasons for writing a condolence are universal. You are striving to lend support and a few moments of comfort. You have many advantages in being a relative:  you likely have one or several special memories--including photos, to share; in fact, your relationship and likely interactions with the deceased are unique, increasing the likelihood of a unique memory! Did your uncle recognize an interest or talent and give you a nurturing gift? Did you pet-sit for your sister's cat and discover something special in its golden-eyed gaze? Did your brother-in-law help you move after a divorce? These memories can be shared, thanks and appreciation can be expressed. Did you watch your aging mother-in-law make--and lose--friend after friend?

The comfort that your note delivers does not--should not--be wrapped in complex, philosophical or religious explanations. You are 'off the hook' to take away pain, map out the future, or give wise advice. Just be sincere. Now, more than ever, real handwritten, hold-in-the-hand condolences are treasures. They are re-read during quiet and lonely times; they are shared with others; they provide what the digital age cannot.

6 Tips for writing to a relative

Let me caution you:  if you think that buying a lovely card and writing "so sorry for your loss, she will be missed" is adequate, please click on the links peppered throughout this post for a quick, comprehensive review of condolence writing. You don't need to use all 6 tips at once. Think about the deceased and the recipient, then listen to your heart.

1. Acknowledge the loss and express sympathy:  "I am so sorry this day has come; Terry's death leaves an empty space."
2. Acknowledge the relationship:  "Your sister, Mary, knew she could count on you." 
3. Share a classic, well known memory:  "Bailey's greeting at the door always made me smile." 
4. Share a personal/unique memory:  "Uncle Rick saw my creative side and gave me a set of pastel crayons." (Never break a confidence, or share cruel or embarrassing memories.) 
5. Offer encouragement and/or help:  "I know you're facing a big job to ready the house for sale, so remember: my truck and my time are at your service." 
6. Express gratitude for the recipient or deceased:  "You were so supportive to Elsa, especially when she couldn't feed herself; it taught me a lot about compassion."

Which relative should I write to?

Who is the next-of-kin? Who do you have a connection to? If you are closer to your cousin than to your aunt who just lost her husband, it's okay to write to your cousin; he or she will probably share the note.

Should I write to more than one relative?

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You certainly can, but don't feel pressured to blow through a 12-pack of note cards. While considering which relative to write to, your heart will put checkmarks by those you want to express sympathy to. Attending a visitation or service allows you to touch base with many people, which can 'winnow' the roster of notes. Review your memories and your emotional, heartfelt responses; if you feel the impulse, writing two or three simple and caring notes is lovely.

When should I write?

We write condolence notes even when we attend services. If you can be present for gatherings, consider delaying your note until after; you will return to your desk ready to share feelings and observations with enriched awareness of:

• the scope of a family and community's shared affection
• life details you did not know such as quiet achievements and talents, branch of military service, significant dates
• qualities of your note's recipient

Thank you for caring!

Living with a Disability, Part 1: Debunking Stereotypes

Patricia Lay-Dorsey 

As photographer Patricia Lay-Dorsey neared the close of her Detroit exhibit, Falling Into Place: Self Portraits, she used her gallery platform to host a public forum about living with a disability. Some disabilities are lifelong, some are due to trauma, some take over gradually and, some are invisible.

This post is the first in a series that will explore attitudes and assumptions about disability.
1. People 'on the outside' (having no disability or no visible disability) make a lot of assumptions about disabilities.
2. But people have a disability in the context of  living real lives.


Why does the Condolence Coach care about this topic?  The loss of health precipitates significant changes in life. Even persons with disabilities from birth, can experience distress with grief-like emotions. It is stressful to live in a world designed for the 'able', a world that champions strength-speed-beauty. Gaining awareness is always enriching. Instead of not talking about the elephant-in-the-room, we can learn to compassionately co-exist--and support another aspect of human diversity.

The forum organized by Lay-Dorsey was eye opening, and I have had marvelous conversations with many participants. Some things they share will surprise you!

"Disability from the Inside: Conversations with Disabled Metro Detroiters." 

[Source]

Filmmakers generally depict people with disabilities as heroic or tragic.

Forum moderator Patricia Lay-Dorsey, described and debunked these stereotypes:

1. Movies often characterize us as heroic, inspiring, brave.

"I am doing the best I can with what I've got." 

1. Drama sells: we are scripted into the tragedy of no longer having a life.

"I did have a lot of emotional baggage to make my way through. Yes, there was a sense of loss, a process that repeated itself as new issues came up, but you deal with them. The culture can be off-putting, but I live a very full life."

Patricia Lay-Dorsey has excelled as a visual artist and instructor for nearly four decades, but only turned her creative focus to photography in 2006. The transition of art medium coincided with dexterity challenges arising from her primary progressive multiple sclerosis. 

[Source: J.P. Pacquing]

Before her 1988 diagnosis, Patricia's varied pursuits included running marathons! When she began to use a blinged-out (decorated) walker, she thought: "I can handle this; the worst possible thing would be to end up in a wheelchair."

In time, the walker failed to provide needed security and in 2000, Patricia began using a scooter. Surprise: "The scooter was freedom--this is my best friend!" (Now we know why one of the biggest electric scooter brands chose the name 'Amigo,' Spanish for 'friend.')

Her boldest project began with the idea of depicting her day to day life. "No drama, just the reality."  And though it was her routine, Patricia noted, "It was very emotional; I would cringe at some of the pictures. I didn't realize I had shame about certain aspects of my disability."  Referring to one of the project photographs that captured her in an unstaged sprawl on pavement, "I don't like to be seen when I fall. I had to get past that in this project."

MEET:

Alesandro speaks next at the event, reminding us why accessibility is so important. Addressing Patricia's question about which of her portraits resonated with him, he shared, "The picture of you opening a container with your mouth-- I do that," he shared.

[Source]

Like Patricia, Alexandro has MS. "From my scooter, I'm not usually in view of mirrors, so I don't often see myself. I have a computer app that makes the screen a mirror. On a good day, I'm proud of who I am. On a bad day, I'm regretful."

Views 'from the outside' of disability

Alesandro's family is with him at the forum.
His wife observes, "part of my identity is in caring for Alesandro; in some ways I wish I could do more. I have a demanding job, though, the other part of my identity, and I realize I am doing the best I can."
His father concurs with the feeling of "being on the outside looking in." 
His mother admits "I was pulled into this; I'm not always willing and able." Janice writes and speaks on the topic of Interdependence. It has been a profound influence on her journey with Alesandro. "Learning to ask for help is the basis of interdependence."  She suggests that we are fooling ourselves if we think we are lone rangers in life.

The Condolence Coach observes that one of those "different ways" is often a slower execution of tasks. Is my habit of haste (excused as competence or efficiency) intruding on an opportunity for mindfulness? I take a life cue from the next speaker...

MEET:
Jody has pulled her chair up near the front row of chairs. She is striking: her pale complexion a contrast to her thick, dark, chin-length hair. Jody takes a brief turn when offered the microphone. "I've had MS for 41 years. If I did a self-portrait project I would title it:  SLOWING MY PACE."

[Source]

What should you do and say if someone you know is or becomes disabled?

Patricia Lay-Dorsey shared from her experience:

Helpful:

"In the early days when I was simply grappling with an unknown future and a disconcerting present, the most helpful companioning I could have at that time was simply letting me share what I was ready to share and not pushing me beyond that. I mainly wanted my friends and family to recognize the enormity of this new reality I was facing. And I wanted to know that they cared."

Hurtful:

"I did not want someone saying to me, 'So how does it feel to know that you might end up in a wheelchair?' Nor did I want someone ignoring the reality of what I was dealing with." 

Helpful:

"Being disabled is not my total identity but it certainly is a part of it. I like that fact to be recognized without pity or weirdness."

Hurtful:

"The primary form of weirdness I encounter is people who say to me how brave I am to get on with my life. Especially strangers. If I were to give advice, it would be not to talk to strangers about their disability unless they bring it up themselves."

Helpful:

"You can certainly offer help if it looks like they need it. And the best way to do that is simply to say, 'May I give you a hand with the door?' or something else relevant to the function."

Hurtful:

"And do not ask strangers why they are using an assistive device. To be honest, it is none of your business unless you need the information to buy such a device for yourself or others. In that case I would be happy to give any information that can be helpful."

Helpful:

"Simply try to be as respectful to me--and how I get around in the world--as you would want people to be to you."

Don't miss the other posts in this series on Living with a Disability including:
Living with a Disability, Part 2: Getting By or Growing Great!
Living with a Disability, Part 3: Enjoy Your Journey

Thank you for caring!

Angels Above Baby Gowns: Heartbeats and Lightening Bolts

A few of the sweet creations

Readers of The Condolence Coach may remember my introductory post, Angels Above Baby Gowns: Soothing a Terrible Loss. This organization uses donated wedding dresses to sew burial gowns for infants.
I wanted to learn more about the women who gave their wedding dresses in support of parents whose baby didn't come home from the hospital. Teri and Melanie shared their stories in Angels Above Baby Gowns: Someday I'll Meet My Brothers. Pamela and Sharlene shared their stories in: Angels Above Baby Gowns: A Time to Tear and a Time to Mend.
How do hospitals get the angel gowns? Read: Delivery At A Birthing Center

Some moments in life come like lightening bolts. Janene Johnson has been struck, twice. 

Missing Children: Sharing Hope While Sharing a Nightmare

Do you remember the Missing Children Milk Cartons?

Beginning in 1984, photographs and biographies were placed on millions of milk carton side panels, bringing the faces of abducted [missing] children...directly to countless Americans and individuals worldwide. [Source]

The cartons were an early means of raising awareness. But efforts far surpassed breakfast table speculation with the 1982 advent of entering details of missing children into the FBI's National Crime Information Center database. Today, children's cases are usually registered with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC), and the CUE Center for Missing Persons, a powerful North Carolina-based search, family support and advocacy organization, which also works on missing adults. Missing Adults are routinely registered with NamUs, the National Missing and Unidentified Persons System, which is a national centralized depository and resource center administered by the U.S. Department of Justice.

Every person is someone's child.

This is a guiding principle of the CUE Center for Missing Persons. Out of the blue, a family can go from laughing at a backyard barbecue and shopping for school clothes to living the nightmare of a missing child. It is impossible to go-it-alone. Though there are no guarantees, founder, Monica Caison and her tremendous corps of volunteers embrace the nightmare with competence, and an Oath:

 “I offer myself to those who have nowhere else to turn. These desperate people who ask for my help have unique situations. Yet, however unique, they are bound together with the commonality of being the loved one of a missing person.”

Publicity for an alert is essential. 

CUE facilitates the prompt dissemination of missing persons flyers, news bulletins, web pages and social media postings. "Our goal is for people to visit our site often and study not only the missing person posting for someone they know, but the postings for many other individuals who are in need of support. Missing persons postings are updated constantly. We get a lot of tips," notes Toni Thomas, CUE's National Research Team Manager and a NC State Director.She continues:

“we are hoping that everyone will re-post on their social media accounts until the awareness is global instead of local.” The acronym 'CUE' stands for Community United Effort --urging others to care, speak up and sometimes-- lace up!  

Ground searches are vital.

[Source]

Searching is done by volunteers, and first experiences can be frightening. I spoke with one volunteer searcher who wished not to be named.

“When three boys from our town went missing, I was shocked. ‘’That could have been my kids,’ I thought, and volunteered my family for a search drive. We were given some instructions and, as we walked neighborhoods, we handed out flyers, took notes and pictures. Was I scared? Oh yes! This was my first experience; when I stepped out of the car and started down an embankment, I thought, 'If I find them, I'm gonna freak out.' I kept thinking, 'I don't want to be the one to find them!'

Most missing persons organizations discourage (or prohibit) family members to participate in searches. Why compound a trauma? Caring but neutral and level-headed volunteers can effectively comb great distances and difficult terrain...and effectively manage discoveries.

Michael Jastremski

I was told that psychics “come out of the woodwork’ in response to alerts for missing persons. Some are hoping for publicity, while others make a real contribution in the hunt for clues, and give lots of reliable tips on things searchers should look for: red barn, white fence, a stream, etc.

How does the family of a missing child feel?

Team Hope, affiliated with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC)

describes itself as “a group of ordinary people who one day were forced to live every parent’s nightmare.” They are passionate about providing peer support through a dedicated hotline 1-866-305-HOPE (4673).  “We live with a deep, deep sorrow that threatens to overtake us at times.” [Source]   The Condolence Coach urges readers to spend a few moments with A letter from a Team HOPE volunteer.

What can I say to a family with a missing child?

"It would never be appropriate to tell a grieving family that discovery is a relief," Toni Thomas of CUE shared, "but in time, the family may express that, themselves."  She offers this advice to neighbors, friends, co-workers:

• All you can really do is be there for the family. Lend moral support. Be there as a shoulder to cry on.
• When the phone rings in the middle of the night and a parent is distressed, just listen.
• Take a dish-- all physical help--especially search related, is of the utmost importance.
• Don't say "I know... it's hard..." unless you have been through this experience. Nothing compares.
• When (if) there is a funeral, go. You may hate funerals, but this is not the time to be self-centered. Step up and support that family.

Michael Jastremski

Follow the family's lead.

I asked Toni about my Condolence Coach rule of remembering the missing child, sharing stories, and keeping their name and memory in mind. She counseled, "some people are deeply appreciative of reminders, while other families find some peace by letting the missing (or deceased) person rest. You must respect that. This is unlike any other loss. I'm not suggesting that you avoid the family, just accept their way and carry on."

Afterword:  Of all the things we may leisurely browse, read, and laugh at on the internet, consider taking a few moments to visit missing persons postings on Facebook, various websites, or CUE's Missing Persons pages. You could have an important piece of information which can usually be submitted confidentially.

USAF Captain Douglas Ferguson

The Condolence Coach first explored the topic of a missing person in Missing In Action! A Soldier's Sister Keeps Vigil. 44 years after her brother was shot down over Laos, during the Vietnam War, Sue Scott said her goodbye. This is her story of those long years, waiting.

Share this post with your favorite social media:  it matters!  Thank you for caring.

Angels Above Baby Gowns: Soothing A Terrible Loss

November 2017 UPDATE:  In the words of founder, Dawn, "Angels Above Baby Gowns is still going strong. We are now in over 350 hospitals and in 5 countries. We grow bigger everyday."

IT IS A BUSY THURSDAY MORNING as I pull to the curb of Dawn's home. Garbage trucks rumble nearby, and Blue, her adoring companion, eagerly waits for me to enter the yard's gate. I am here to meet the Michigan founder of

ANGELS ABOVE BABY GOWNS

"It's not about us, it's about helping families."

A gentle hug 'hello' continues the relationship we began on the phone. Face to face, the glow of peace and wholeness from Dawn Lafferty is remarkable. 

You would never guess that only a few years ago, she emerged from an abusive marriage, betrayal, fraud, and multiple fragile health concerns and yet:  she glows.

Propelled by a driving energy that belies her disabilities, Dawn proudly navigates the busy sewing quarters of her basement, plucking up and distributing supplies to volunteers.

 "I'm not lonely now...I've never felt younger!"

THE STORY BEGINS less than two months ago, when Dawn read an article about a woman who created burial gowns for babies who never left the hospital. 
Grieving parents sought a dignified farewell for their precious child, born premature. Ready-made clothing for such tiny babies is nearly impossible to find, but a trip to heaven requires more than a diaper!

The compelling need touched Dawn deeply. Not finding a Michigan organization to assist, she launched ANGELS ABOVE BABY GOWNS.

Dawn retired early, for medical reasons. Leaving a corporate career, she had more time for her love of sewing.  "I started sewing when I was 10--taught by my Mom. She made all the clothes for the seven of us."

Dawn is the volunteer Costume Organizer for the Grosse Pointe Theater;  She creates hundreds of costumes for several plays each year. This Spring, the production of Les Miserables required over 300 costumes to be designed, sewn and fitted for each actor!  And when the theater is dark, Dawn's sewing room is not: "I sew every day-- alterations for family and members of the community senior center."

When parked at a sewing machine, Dawn straight-stitches gown seams with expert swiftness, but tender care. She stands up at a serger overlocking machine to finish seam allowances:  no frayed edges for her Angels!

Volunteer, Wuneetha, mother of two and Coney Island waitress, is here because "my nephew, Matthew, was an angel baby." She describes the grief of her sister, D'aun, who puts balloons on her son's grave, each month. "A child is growing inside you; you've given your heart. Their death is devastating." 

Before beginning my assignment of packaging gowns for delivery to hospitals and hospices,
Karen Herzog arrives to donate her wedding gown.

Transforming a gown is exciting

Lace and beading are harvested

Patterns are applied and cut from the silk and satin

"Let the little children come to me"  Matthew 19:14

Exquisite details create a precious gown for baby

Varying in sizes, each is unique

What do grieving parents find helpful or hurtful?

Wendy has experienced several miscarriages and a newborn's death. A board member of Friends Supporting Parents, she shares:  

"Our hearts broke the moment hers stopped, and to this day, remain broken. People feel uncomfortable with death, and even more so with a child/infant death.

After a while, we begin to feel alone."

 She encourages grieving parents to find peer support. Wendy has been attending Friends Supporting Parents since 2010 and describes the comfort: "we are surrounded by people who know and who care because they've been there too. We continue to come because we can be authentic about our grief. And, everyone gets it."

The Condolence Coach says:

• Let's understand that a miscarriage IS a baby lost. Your note to the parents can acknowledge that. This is the time to step up with assistance because a physical trauma to the mother, has also occurred: 
• I can see [or hear] how devastated you are; take good care of yourself.
• How can I help you at this time? Would you like me to____?  It is best to go ahead and make practical offers such as helping with other children, grocery shopping, meal preparation, even cleaning or gardening.
• Don't pry, but be a good listener: This is so sad. Would you like to tell me about the baby [or name]?
• Do not interject assumptions or advice other than: 
•  I know how excited you were to bring the baby [or name] home. 
• This is hard for your whole family.
• You've been through so much. Take care of yourself.
• Maybe the hospital gave you a referral, but I've read about a local support group; would you like their information?

This link provides more resources for parents grieving the death of a baby.

Contact or Follow Angels Above Baby Gowns on Facebook

More Resources from The Condolence Coach:
I was inspired to write about Angels Above Baby Gowns by a woman who lost two grandchildren by miscarriage. Now, I know more about her loss: When Grandparents Grieve

Read more heartwarming and heartwrenching stories of Angels Above Baby Gowns:
 Someday I'll Meet My Brothers,  Delivery At a Birthing Center,   A Time to Tear and A Time to Mend,  and Heartbeats and Lightening Bolts

Readers may also wish to visit this post about baby and children's death:  Two Too Many: Gone But Never Forgotten
When siblings experience the death of a baby brother or sister, these posts may provide good condolence guidance:  Grieving Children, Part 1,  and  Grieving Children, Part 2.
This post is a good review of responding to any child's death: 5 Things to Say When Death Strikes the Young

Grieving parents may find comfort in this peer blog:  Wanted Chosen Planned 

Your friends will thank you for Sharing this post.  I thank you for caring!

Youth Making a Difference: Capes for Kids

I usually end my posts with Thank you for caring! 

Today, let's start there, with a shout out to Youth Making a Difference. 

Source

International in scope, I discovered the Livonia Schools' program in a newspaper story. One photo, captioned:  "Kindergartener, [name,]worked on a project called Capes for Kids" tugged at my heartstrings and imagination.

When you're six years old, your ability to change the world is very small. It might involve putting toys and clothes back where they belong. If it's a task outside the house, your Mom has to say 'okay' and 'be home by supper.'

So, some schoolkids in one town decided to raise money to support Capes for Kids, which is part of The Hero Project at the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital in Indianapolis, Indiana. Many other great causes were also supported.

Youth Making a Difference "attempts to involve K-12 in volunteerism" by helping kids understand how little kindnesses make the world a better place. The Livonia Public Schools' Parent Teacher Student Association (PTSA) has a list of tasks ranging from shoveling snow for a neighbor and helping a teacher, to recycling cans and filling bird feeders. One of the noted benefits of volunteer service is:

"to learn and value cooperation, caring, empathy, generosity and concern for others."

The Condolence Coach believes that caring kids have a pretty good chance of growing up to be caring adults.

The Bones of Indifference: Neighbors Found Dead

Dateline:  Chattanooga TN  Skeletal remains of brothers found at home in their side by side recliners.

Andrew and Anthony Johnson were 63 year old twins, quietly sharing a home, maintaining the lawn and doing some gardening. They grocery shopped together and lived the bachelor life, with blinds drawn and a shyness that may have been partially due to one brother's deafness.

A relative had asked local police to swing by and see if the brothers were okay. After forcing entry on March 29th, officers found them so deteriorated as to likely have been dead since 2011.

[Source]

How could this happen?

Yes, it's okay to be happy

YES, IT'S OKAY TO BE HAPPY when you are with grieving people. When I stand at the door of the funeral home, greeting people:  directing them to the left or right, or just nodding as they zero in on the restrooms sign, basic courtesies take place.

"Hello, how are you?"
"Fine. How are you?"
"Really well, thank you." Oops?

Hold on... If your life is as sweet as the buttercream and message on this cake (now a lovely memory) that's good, and you can say so.

But your acknowledgement of their opposite state-- a spoken (and written) observation, is comforting.  "This must be a very difficult time for you. I'm so sorry." 

Perhaps you can remember a time when you felt so overwhelmed by a painful situation that returning to "fine" seemed unlikely. At some point, you became "fine" again.  Keep this clear-headed insight to yourself. 

Your condolence note provides the opportunity to offer some help, however.

• "I'm good with paperwork, if you need a second pair of eyes."
• "If you need help with yard work at your Dad's place, here's my cell..."

In life, we take turns being happy--or struggling... which is why reminding a grieving person that they are not alone, is valuable.

When Children Die

[Author photo]

The news can evoke sudden tears or sudden silence:  when a child dies, the world turns upside down...because life is not supposed to end before it has really begun.

In a newsletter published by Hospice of Michigan, pediatric hospice programs were described. Some of the goals are:

• creating memories through meaningful activities
• encouraging goodbyes
• assuring comfort and quality of life for the child, and
• helping a grieving family find new meaning

Can your sympathy fit into this program? Absolutely; and the hospice model can offer us insights for crafting memorable condolence. 

For example: the spiritual and emotional components of hospice care guide expression during the journey to death, rather than dictate feelings or actions.

So, a good condolence acknowledges the pain and offers to listen. If the note says that you are praying for their comfort, do not tell the recipient to pray, as well. Express a sweet memory in your note, along with the hope to hear some of theirs. And if possible, you offer help with chores, errands, or bills.

Finally, I encourage you to grow in awareness of what it means to lose a child. Visit sites of organizations supporting parents who have faced a child's death: The Compassionate Friends and Parents of Murdered Children are two such groups. Both were invaluable during my book research.