When You Are A Witness

 I have witnessed many people leave their bodies at death. Technically, I do not see souls--or any special effects of spirit--other than the body releasing its grip on this thing we call life. But I believe in its exit. Consistent with Unity teaching, Unity minister, Ellen Debenport, described our four essential layers of existence as being like 'Russian nesting dolls,':  (the smallest) the body+the ego+the soul+Spirit (our God essence.) The physical body and the mental ego are left behind at death, as our individualized, eternal conciousness continues its journey. 

Respectfully, I realize this set of beliefs is not universally accepted, but I hope you will continue reading. Readers may wish to further explore this topic of 'nonlocal consciousness' (the continuity of consciousness after physical death) in The Immortal Mind: Science and the Continuity of Consciousness beyond the Brain by Ervin Laszlo, with Anthony Peake.

Author Image

Perhaps you have read accounts of NDE (Near Death Experience) and can envision with me, the shift that occurs in consciousness when it is free of the body. Raymond Moody brought this to wider awareness in his 1975 book, Life After Life. It is through NDE accounts that we can even glean what occurs at death and yet, someday, each of us will have this ultimate mortal experience. 

Midday on March 19, 2022, my husband and I were driving to an event in Tucson and came upon an accident scene. Despite my professional experience, it shook me up. Now, one month later, I have found some peace and understanding. The circumstances remain very sad and more should be done to ensure cycling is a safe recreational experience. 

Witness

I am lying on the side of the road at least 

my body is. 

Is that my wife too

A few yards west

Lying on the side of the road?

There is my beautiful

full carbon Vitesse EVO

with its sexy stiffness

Its four grand float fantasy frame

Oddly crumpled near the sheriff’s suv.

I am lying on the side of the road at least

My body is.

And yes my beautiful young wife

Lies beneath a tarp 

As do I and yet

 she now takes my hand saying:

Cookie

Looks like our ride is over.

My beautiful wife

My beautiful cycle

oh my oh my oh my

Everything, simply everything

Is beautiful.

And what do you know

I feel no concern that

the dog is waiting for her midday treat or

I’ll be a no-show at choir rehearsal or

The gas bill still needs a stamp or

I wore yesterday’s underwear again today.

‘Aha!’ hardly begins to explain

What I feel see hear know

This joy-peace without emotion

This radiance without glare

This vibrance without clamor

This knowing without quest or question

All this all this all this.

+++

In memory of Kenneth and Gretchen Cook

Cyclists killed March 19, 2022, Tucson AZ 

+++

Thank you for caring and sharing...and please:

Share the road!

 

When You Cannot Vigil the Dying: Be There

The scouring of humanity

This is a post about what to do when you cannot be with a dying loved one. As I write this, the Covid-19 pandemic began scouring humanity in early 2020, overcoming nearly 2 million people, worldwide by year’s end. In most settings, infection control measures have barred visitors from patient bedsides, even those dying. 

The empty chair beside the bed

Author image

This is a post about what to do when you cannot be with a dying loved one. It applies to the myriad circumstances that might prevent you from keeping vigil, holding a hand, stroking a forehead, whispering words of love and gratitude close to their ear. The circumstances that keep you from the bedside are many, and may have nothing to do with the pandemic. I learned this in 2019, when my mother chose the peace of her distant home for her final months with cancer. My parents wanted privacy instead of a family event and, though eventually I was called to come help with care, for weeks before, I entered the room secretly.

This is a post about what to do when you think you cannot be with a dying loved one. This is the story of how I found the way to ‘jump over the wall’ and be right there with my mother. I soothed her, whispered encouragement, and experienced a deep communion. This technique is available to everyone.

Spirit to spirit

Have you heard the expression ‘we are spirits in human form’ ? Some refer to our spirit as ‘mind.’ This is not religious dogma, it is truth. You need only read or listen to a few accounts of near death experiences to awaken to this truth. (In addition to the books by Raymond Moody, a reliable source is IANDS, the International Association for Near Death Studies, Inc.)  What you do with this awareness beyond the purpose of this essay, is your choice. But, if you are faced with the inability to be with a dying loved one, here is what you can do.

Author image

Each of our spirits (or minds) exist in a field of energy without boundaries of time, location, language or physical dimension. Knowing and accepting this is indescribeably wonderful! It means you can ‘jump over the wall’ and connect with someone through techniques that allow you unfettered access to the ‘field.’ These techniques include meditation, contemplation, and prayer. 

To visit my mother, I used a Metta meditation described in my essay on impermanence and change. I also recommend the meditations of integrative medicine and energy work practitioner Dr. Ann Marie Chiasson. In her book, Energy Healing: The Essentials of Self-Care, Dr. Chiasson explains the Metta Meditation, which Buddhist practice calls a loving-kindness meditation. Traditionally, there are four stanzas but for your spirit visit, I suggest repeating these three stanzas, four times. 

To begin, sit comfortably; while taking a few full, slow breaths, fill your mind with the image and true, joyful essence of your loved one. ‘Hold their hand’ and truly believe in this communion of spirits. Begin to softly speak these stanzas to them, savoring each expression with your heart and spirit; when you can, close your eyes:

Repeat each stanza four times

May I be at peace.

May my heart remain open.

May I awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May I be healed.

May I be a source of healing for all beings.

May you be at peace.

May your heart remain open.

May you awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May you be healed.

May you be a source of healing for all beings.

May we be at peace.

May our hearts remain open.

May we awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May we be healed.

May we be a source of healing for all beings.

Author image

When finished, remain in this peaceful place with your eyes closed. Note how you feel. It is suggested that you do this loving-kindness meditation, daily. You will quickly feel that you are having a daily visit with your loved one.

Further insight into our connection as spirits can be found in an excerpt from this remarkably comforting poem by Henry Scott Holland. My mother requested that it be used on her memorial folder and each time I read it, I know the truth, that she is only in ‘the next room.’

Death Is Nothing At All

All is well,

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Whatever we were to each other, we still are.

Please, call me by my old familiar name.

Speak of me in the same easy way you always did.

Laugh, as we always laughed,

At the little jokes we shared together.

Think of me and smile.

Let my name be the household name it always was,

Spoken without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was…

All is well.

-Henry Scott Holland

May all who are in this circumstance know that you are not alone. I wish you peace and the comfort of a spirit to spirit visit. Namaste.

Please share this with someone you know who is anticipating a loved one’s death.

Thank you for caring.

Listen! A Gift Received, A Gift Given

Everyone and every thing exists to be acknowledged, seen, and heard.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust

I would add to Proust's words, we must 'have new ears', too.

Thus, on an early Spring walk, while crossing a busy boulevard, I was saddened to see a large roadrunner had been killed by a vehicle. It's form was intact, a deflated silhouette. I moved quickly on to avoid a similar fate. Later that afternoon, while sitting on my patio, an unusual visitor lit onto a nearby chimney top. It was a roadrunner, smaller, perhaps a female.

Greater Roadrunner
Photo used with permission: kenneturner.com

This is a bird that "prefers sprinting to flying", electing flight primarily to enter and exit its elevated nest or escape a predator. My rooftop sighting was very unusual. As I watched, the bird began calling-- a "sharp barking" that broadcast out in the direction of the lethal boulevard. While the Cornell Ornithology Lab notes this call is used near the nest site, I suddenly knew that it was calling to its missing mate. Roadrunners mate for life--a span of 7 to 8 years. The calling and visual scanning went on for a few minutes. How do creatures know when their mate or clan member is gone for good? They must just carry on with the tasks of living.

Being present

Perhaps some readers are howling about my anthropomorphising (giving human qualities to non-humans,) and I won't go into my beliefs, here and now. My heart was touched and, for the purpose of this blog post, I want to illustrate how important it is to be a listener.

Author image

“Listening is about being present, not just about being quiet,”reminds journalist Krista Tippett. As the listener, I was suffused with sympathy for the roadrunner calling from the roof. As you encounter another person's tragedy or sadness, be present, listen.

Start a healing conversation

In my post, Was it a Peaceful Death? Opening the Door to Healing Conversation, I coached the value of not shying away from an encounter with a grieving person. I encouraged questions such as:

• I was sorry to hear about _____. 
• How are you today? 
• Was it a peaceful death? 
• What memory of him/her are you holding close right now?
• What memory makes you smile? 

I am not suggesting you conduct an interview! One question can open up an opportunity to listen. Are you sensing that another question is useful at this moment? My intuition launched the story of these birds. You can explore the power of listening to your gut feelings here: The Physics of Intuitive Compassion: Albert Einstein had it right!

If listening to one response is enough, simply say: 

Thank you for telling me; take care of yourself.

There is always something to hear...someone, some thing grateful to be heard

Listen!

The gravel verge bears a walker:

I hear chewing of shredded wheat.

Listen!

Birds call from dawn to sundown:

tedious mourning dove blues, 

cactus wren's grinding starter,

darting quail high notes: Uh-huh-Uh-huh,

Hey-you! alert - the thrasher arrives.

Listen!

Our homes hum tones tiny to tremendous; 

stretched and still in darkness,

I seek their source, finding some

in the pestling of brain, bones, molars.

Listen!

Attending too, to unfulfilled utterances:

hesitations, head dips, hand flutters,

the staccato of unsettled eyes and breath:

these voiceless notes of soul speak

of love or loss or the deep water strokes

of living without answers. 

Listen!

+++

Listen! (c)2020 Deborah Chappa

Thank you for caring!

All Souls: Always With Us. A Poetic Reminder

Author photo

The Growing Through Grief series

I was recently introduced to May Sarton's evocative poems, and found Siobhan's blog to read All Souls in its complete form...
It could be said that a thousand poets, a thousand balladeers, and some of the greatest literary writers concur:

Love and grief are an inescapable and bittersweet pair.

Sarton's poem, titled for the day of alms giving and prayer on behalf of the dead, describes how losing a loved one will be a lifelong experience. We will "Remember and forget, forget, remember."

But rather than feel condemned to sorrow and longing, Sarton, like many other writers, describes the gift of memories and the softening of their edges, over time. A regret or lingering resentment becomes like the faint shadow from an old stain, and one may "feel new-cherished, new-forgiven."

Therefore, in grief, be patient with yourself and others. Accept the mystery and the gift of this inescapable twining. Perhaps you will agree:

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  

Alfred Lord Tennyson

All Souls - May Sarton 

Did someone say that there would be an end,

An end, Oh, an end, to love and mourning?

Such voices speak when sleep and waking blend,

The cold bleak voices of the early morning

When all the birds are dumb in dark November—

Remember and forget, forget, remember.

After the false night, warm true voices, wake!

Voice of the dead that touches the cold living,

Through the pale sunlight once more gravely speak.

Tell me again, while the last leaves are falling:

“Dear child, what has been once so interwoven

Cannot be raveled, nor the gift ungiven.”

Now the dead move through all of us still glowing,

Mother and child, lover and lover mated,

Are wound and bound together and enflowing.

What has been plaited cannot be unplaited—

Only the strands grow richer with each loss

And memory makes kings and queens of us.

Dark into light, light into darkness, spin.

When all the birds have flown to some real haven,

We who find shelter in the warmth within,

Listen, and feel new-cherished, new-forgiven,

As the lost human voices speak through us and blend

Our complex love, our mourning without end.

+++

Care for yourself, care for each other. Thank you for caring!

Remember Who You Are: Condolence Poetry

Loss can trigger self doubt

On a personal level, the people in our daily circles:  spouse, children, parents, friends and co-workers contribute to our dreams and our dramas. This is normal. Interactions at the breakfast table or coffee shop, over the phone or while sharing a commute help us grow roots and branches.

Author image

And when a root or branch is severed by loss, a part of us seems suddenly missing. It hurts and it's confusing; it demands change and pushes us into the unknown. This upset to our equilibrium often triggers self doubt.

Overcoming inertia

While it can be a very good thing to momentarily apply the childhood street-crossing lesson, "STOP and LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING," isolating yourself with a loss should not become a habit. Sometimes, I find that visiting a fresh inspirational thought: a paragraph or poem or song--can motivate me past self doubt or inertia. Today, I offer readers a poem.

SOON

Soon it will be noon

And what have

You done?

The pool water

is smooth, you

Did not disturb

It.

The grass is high.

You sleep and it

Grows higher.

Would you like

A tall cool drink

On the veranda?

A lime garnish,

Sweat on the glass?

If you do,

Put on your shoes

And remember

Who you are.

~~~

Martin Ringwood, a Michigan poet

Care for ourselves, care for each other. Thank you for caring!

Dear Frank, I'm Sorry You Died: Writing to the Deceased

[Source]

When a person whom we loved, appreciated, enjoyed the company of-- dies, a relationship is suddenly severed.

We may remember our last encounter and conversation:  He'd been feeling poorly, so I took him some chili and put it in a saucepan to warm. He gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and said, 'Thanks, Helen. You're the best.' A few days later, I got the call that he'd died in his sleep.

So, you never got to ask him how he liked the chili (and your Tupperware is still in his sink.) You wanted to tell him that his suggestion to plant lavender in that hot patch of yard, worked out beautifully. Thank him for letting your cat relax under his RV on hot summer days; and apologize for gloating when you won that last game of euchre. But mostly, you wanted to tell him, again, he'd been a wonderful neighbor and friend.

The condolence coach says:  Go ahead and tell him.

Why not write a note to your late, great friend? 

I see guest book entries at the funeral home website such as this:  

  "Eddie, you were always a great guy to be around. I know we will meet again down the road. Best wishes to your family. It was a honor to have worked with you."  

Placing extra pages in the register book, I overheard two men talking. One referred to his wife who had died four years ago: "She loved to hunt and fish ... she was beautiful!" I interrupted the speaker to say with a smile, "She's listening!"

He returned my smile, peacefully remarking:

"I talk to her every day."

Readers may recall the Condolence Coach writing about memorial poems that use the voice of the dead. In his poem, All Is Well, Henry Scott Holland penned the line, "I have only slipped away into the next room." I counseled against giving this type of poem to the grieving, and I cited a Condolence Coach Rule:

Do not give advice; do not cajole the grieving to 'move on;' do not share your belief system's answer on what happens after death.

The note you will write to your deceased friend may be sent to the family member of your choice. Begin the note by 'setting the stage for your monologue' with one of these elements:

• "I am very sorry for your loss. [Name] was such a good friend [or other relationship term]. If I had one more chance to speak to [him/her] I would say..."

• "Thank you for inviting me to all those cookouts and family gatherings, where I got to know your wonderful [dad, mom, brother, etc.] [Name]influenced me in so many ways, and helped me to ______.  If I had one more chance to speak to [him/her] I would say..."

In summary, the structure of your note should flow with these elements:

1. Acknowledge the grieving family's loss and/or express appreciation for a personal quality.
2. 'Speak' to the decedent.
3. (optional element) Comment on the value of the memories you have.
4. Conclude with a sincere wish for the family's comfort and peace.

Author photo

One important footnote to this topic!
If you have "stormy", negative feelings or bad memories about the deceased, the Condolence Coach suggests you express yourself freely with a close friend, or in a journal. Though born of heartfelt experience, those feelings do not belong in your note to the family, as this may be hurtful.

Share this post ... and thank you for caring!

Creative Condolence: Poems, Part 2

If you start looking for them, you will find that there are many poems about:

[Source]

• nearing the end of life
• the end of life
• what may be after life
• the "Afterlife"

At the funeral home, I prepare a number of keepsake items including memorial folders, and they all feature prayers, psalms, or poems. Reading them, reminds me that beliefs about death are very personal, guided by:

• life experience
• books
• movies
• gurus
• prophets
• faith-based doctrine

Will a poem that comforts and inspires you, be the right one for someone else? Let's look at an example which was submitted by one of my readers:

All Is Well - Henry Scott Holland

Death is nothing at all,

I have only slipped away into the next room,

I am I, and you are you,

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still,

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the same easy way which you always did,

Put no difference into your tone;

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity,

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am just waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland was a religious professor at England's Oxford University, when he delivered a sermon in St. Paul's Cathedral following the death of King Edward VII, in 1910. What we know as the poem, All Is Well, was derived from that sermon.

The reader who submitted this poem shared that she is leaving final instructions that the poem be used on her memorial folder.

I applaud her advanced planning because this poem expresses her farewell.

I am not certain, however, that the "voice of the dead" method is well timed for a condolence note. Yes, it encourages us to not forget, to use the loved one's name, and to make our way back to a life of laughter and play. But...

{Source]

The Coach says:  do not give advice; do not cajole the grieving to 'move on;' do not share your belief system's answer on what happens after death.

If you have written a poem or essay which expresses your regard and sense of loss at the death (and does not preach,) you may have a gem to offer in your condolence note.  

Share this post with a friend and SUBSCRIBE so you won't miss the next!
Thank you for caring!

Creative Condolence: Poems

[Source]

Some people just have a gift for lyrical sympathy!  Perhaps you have been to a funeral with a recitation of the poem:

The Dash

The poet, Linda Ellis, wrote this inspiring poem in 1996. Her copyrighted work may be recited at gatherings--and has been, all over the world, millions of times, but may not be reproduced or posted.  

If you are not yet familiar with the poem--or just want to enjoy it again, please click on the link, above.  The poem refers to the universal practice of noting a lifespan as:

DATE OF BIRTH    --    DATE OF DEATH

What has taken place across the years between those dates?  There lies the fruit or fallow field of a life. Ms. Ellis encourages all:

LIVE YOUR DASH!

Have you written a poem or essay for a loved one? Perhaps you wrote it long ago and wish to share it again, as a condolence note. 

• Along with the written piece, describe what inspired you. 
• Did you give the poem to your friend or family member?
• How was it received?

When news of a death reaches you, consider riding the wave of emotions with a pen and pad (or iPad or paintbrush!)  Tap into your heart's energy and reflect on the life of this dear person. 

Yours will be a memorable condolence note!

Read more posts about Creative Condolence:
Poems, Part 2
Making a Card
Life in 15 Songs
Eat This Legacy

Share this post with a friend and, thank you for caring!