Making it Through the Moment, No Matter How Tough

The Growing Through Grief Series

It is a human tendency to encapsulate or categorize time into quantities. We order our days with calendars, reminder notifications and heaps of anticipation or dread. But isn’t it true that we only experience moments?  Some of us came from climates where weather changed quickly. We’d tease: wait five minutes and it will be different.

Author image

A blue sky now clouds over; a downpour suddenly ceases, a clear road is overcome with whiteout. The same occurs in relationships: a facial expression or comment can 'change the weather' of the moment so that we feel warmed and welcomed or anxious and awkward.

Is there a reason for this moment?

In The Magic of Awareness,  Anam Thubten, Rinpoche, invites the recognition that “this very moment cannot be any better than it is right now.” If you’ve ever been told ‘everything happens for a reason,’ then it can be helpful to take a deep breath and trust that the moment will lead to the next, best moment. Life coach Byron Katie stated, "Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late."

This is not fluff or hogwash. Having faced myriad 'take a deep breath' life situations, I know the signs of crisis or coping. As a young woman, I quickly reacted with strong, sometimes debilitating emotions. In my post, H.A.L.T: Avoiding Self Care Red Flags, the support of a caring person helped anchor me to the present. In more recent years, my mindfulness practices (yoga, meditation, affirmative prayer) led me to ask that important question: Is there a reason for this moment?

Used with permission,
Melinda Rogers

Often, we are simply standing in 'someone else's weather,' -- minor kerfluffles or the dramatic storms of their life and/or death. My friend Charlotte notes that, from moment to moment, we either teach or learn. If the reason or purpose is not readily apparent, wait on the revelation of insight. Keep your heart open, and it will come.

Health challenges

When changes in health occur -- from catching an inconvenient cold, getting a positive Covid-19 test, or the spiral into chronic or terminal illness -- it is extremely hard to stay centered in the moment. And it takes tremendous support or spiritual grounding to accept the condition with peace, welcoming its insights and growth. Still, it is worth trying and of course, the key is to make it through the moment.

Steps to help someone make it through the moment

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• Understand that your presence and acceptance of someone's struggle is a huge part of the help. This is an important concept in any form of vigiling or support because without words, it communicates 'you are not alone.'
• Tips for credibility of presence: silence and place your cell phone somewhere it won't be disturbing or tempting. If you must keep track of time, state that up front and set an appliance timer (like the stove) so you don't keep checking. Turn off the TV. Respectfully declutter your visiting area by removing a meal tray, stacking mail elsewhere, straighten a blanket, fluff a pillow, clear or straighten miscellany from nearby surfaces, and bring one pretty decorative item into view.
• My friend, Melinda, reminds me that staying in the moment can be as simple as quality time with friends, family, pets, and doing activities such as crafting or cooking.
• Believe that acceptance of the moment will be helpful. Always be loving and gentle. View the moment with the same awe or wonderment as if you were observing an unusual work of art. Simply accepting it is more important than understanding all of the whys for this life situation or condition. 
• It can be said that life is a tapestry of situations or conditions. It is an energetic mystery but when I resist a situation, I prolong it and my stress or pain; when I accept it, resolution or relief come quickly.

• Sacred poetry blogger-philosopher Ivan M. Granger mused in a recent Thought for the Day post: 

Come to that confrontation with yourself, on all sides. Come unarmed. The secret: Embrace everything you find.

• In the company of your friend facing the challenge, listen, and empathize with your presence and caring expression or a light touch but avoid launching into a complex discussion of the story.
• Ask a series of questions that require in-the-moment responses. Examples are:
• Do you feel warm or cold? Would you like me to adjust the room temperature, loosen your clothing or put a throw on your lap? 
• Where is there discomfort now? What form of relief can we try? 
• What thoughts are you having now? Can you name something good about this moment? What are you grateful for right now?
• Describe a challenge that you are having right now? Say something to it !
• How does this room we're in comfort or annoy you? What are your favorite things in this room? What can we adjust to make it more pleasing?
• What or who can you forgive or ask forgiveness for right now? Do you need to forgive a part of your body?
• What are you teaching in this a moment?
• As a companion, you may be able to suggest something that you are being 'taught' by your friend/loved one's experience. 
• What are you learning in this moment?
• If this was a perfect day, what would it be like?
• What part of this day is perfect?
• Tell me about someone who is still benefiting from a help you once gave?
• Finally, one of the most powerful centering practices is to view or hold one small thing--preferably something from nature-a rock, a twig, a shell- and study it with sight, touch, smell. Think of its creation, its experiences; this focus can produce awe, joy, and peace.

Presence has power and powerlessness

Have you noticed this duality? Look closely at the smallest thing you have power over, as well as the things you surrender to. This is part of the human experience. Awareness and surrender to the circumstance can be a freeing choice. Exploring these two topics through reading and contemplation will enlighten--truly brighten your path. Share the insight gently, as life invites you.

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Grow Up! The Condolence Basics You Need Now. Part 1

Grow Up! 

How many times did you hear that before you were 25? Are you still hearing it in your 30's or 40's? If so, someone is trying to persuade you toward mature choices. "Grow up!" is a verbal face slap, taking you by the figurative shoulders for a shake and command: it's time to think of somebody other than yourself.  "But I do think of others!"  you protest. The Condolence Coach agrees and believes you are trying, but...

If you're stalled on the playground plateau of just playing nicely, mastering condolence skills will launch you off the swings and onto solid grown-up ground.

[Author photo]

This post reaches into the Condolence Note Coach archives to quickly deliver the basics you need now. Clicking on the post link will flesh out the concept, but if you need a 5 minute crash course, here it is.

1. Beyond 'I'm Sorry'  You can't change the circumstances facing your friend, co-worker, neighbor, cousin or client...but there is an additional way to communicate sympathy long after the loss:  a memorable condolence note.  


2. FAQ's  It is never too late to send a note. Never. The death remains a fact in your [friend or] co-worker's life and, in a year's time, the stream of sympathies has likely dried up. Your note will be a gift. Don't Rush Your Condolence Note  Waiting can enhance the note you will write…as you have opportunities to gather a little information, view photos, hear stories.

3. To Have Another Birthday is a Privilege  We are powerless over the loss and subsequent pain, but saying "I'm sorry" and applying a sincere hug or handshake is an act you DO have power over. You have the power to express that you care.

4. In A Better Place  It is never appropriate for you to offer a platitude such as "she's in a better place." But if the grieving express this to you, a lovely reply might be:  "I'm glad that is a comfort to you."

5. Death Doesn't Take a Holiday  Can sympathy be commingled with seasonal greetings during holidays and other special days? It can’t.  Should traditional messages be set aside? Yes.

6. Condolence After a Suicide  Survivors of suicide [family of the deceased] have great need of compassionate, non-judgmental words. Acknowledge a normal life, once lived: share a memory or tell a kind story.

7.  When Children Die
A good condolence acknowledges the pain and offers to listen. The note says that you are praying for comfort, but does not tell the recipient to. You pen a sweet memory and hope to hear some of theirs. Grow in awareness and sensitivity: do some reading about the grief experiences of parents.

8. When a Pet Dies  DO NOT ask when they will get another pet. Period. 

9. Supporting Grieving Teens  Journaling or writing poetry is one of the most widely suggested tools for teens to process grief. Consider a “condolence gift” of a blank book or journal. Write a question on the first page, like: "How did you feel when you heard the news?"

 10.  Supporting Someone with a Terminal Illness  Remember this: until you are dead, you are alive.  Recognize the life, the day-by-day simple moments of the person you write to. Embrace the opportunity to say thank you, to ask for a story, to appreciate a sunrise, a funny pet, a song.

So, did you notice that writing condolence is about supporting survivors? The Coach invites you to read The Mourners Bill of Rights   One of the grown-up skills you are adopting is COMPASSION. Living compassionately, daily, is a standout characteristic. You will be astonished by how it changes you!

Thank you for caring!

Prescription for Grief: Vitamin N Breaks Through Sadness

Children in nature's paradise. Author photo

The Growing Through Grief series

IF YOU THINK BACK, really really far back, to a time in childhood when your bare feet touched cool grass, hot sand, a soft mat of pine needles, or smooth rock-- you are remembering paradise. It doesn't matter if the sky was blue or cloudy. And for that matter, even if you wore boots and shuffled through powder snow--it was paradise. Pure joy flooded your being.

You were out of doors.

Author Richard Louv is an outspoken advocate for the importance of time with nature; time away from technology. His book, Vitamin N: The Essential Guide to a Nature-Rich Life, 500 ways to enrich your family's health and happiness asserts that the natural world has "transformative power."

Louv describes some of the benefits of Vitamin N as:

• strengthening interpersonal bonds
• freshening the senses
• nurturing resilience

Prescription for grief

Losing a loved one is a visceral experience:  muscular pain, fatigue, disrupted appetite and digestion, chest pain, headaches. Anxiety, sadness, regret and confusion may weigh so heavily as to seem unbearable. Sympathetic friends and family members often feel powerless to help. Pharmaceutical prescriptions, recreational drugs and alcohol may numb the misery, but they do not heal.

Part 6 of Louv's new book offers "ideas to use nature to heal." He is not settling for "organized play outside," but encourages those seeking healing to take "a retreat" in nature. This experience should include (regardless of weather):

• an extended time out of doors
• a focus with all senses to nature's stimuli, and
• personal expressions of feeling through writing, imagery, and inspirational reading

As a friend to a grieving person (or family,) perhaps you are not as powerless as you may think. Could you take that person or family to a beautiful natural setting? Being in nature, briefly disconnected from electronics, positively affects the nervous system and respiration; a significant sense of calm can be achieved. At first, it may feel like a small dose, and will need to be repeated, but a cumulative effect is possible. Louv also notes that people who are not often outdoors should start small, making time in nature of short duration, until ready for a longer outing. 

Fee-Free days  

From time to time, the United States National Park Service, National Forests, and State Parks offer free admission to beautiful and often historic areas.

National Park Service Fee-Free Days (remaining in 2016):

August 25 through 28: National Park Service Birthday, September 24: National Public Lands Day, November 11: Veterans Day

National Forest Fee-Free Days (remaining in 2016):  

On these days, standard amenity fees at federally operated sites will be waived. Participation for concession operated sites may vary. The Forest Service is waiving standard amenity recreation fees at sites nationwide to celebrate three different events:   June 11, 2016 – National Get Outdoors Day, September 24, 2016 – National Public Lands Day, November 11, 2016 – Veterans Day

Could Vitamin N address a deficiency in your or someone else's life? On the chance that time with nature could break through pain and sadness, what have you got to lose?

Thank you for caring!

"You Didn't Waste Any Time" and other reactions

"You didn't waste any time," was my mother's emailed response. I'd sent a photo while on a run in a beautiful canyon-n-cacti recreation area...a place I'd just begun to call home after a 2,000 mile drive.

My packed SUV included the company of Ava, our Maine Coon mix,
who tested all possible perch surfaces during the drive: crate, center console, driver's lap, and lastly, a crevice beneath the cargo area requiring a complicated extraction at the end of each day.


After 5 days of that, why would I waste any time, once the apartment key was on my ring? I woke before dawn (the light of which starts at the top of the mountains and drops down their sides), assessed the desert chill and ran for the saguaro 'forest', waiting nearby.

An often-used accusation

While my mother's expression was loving, "you didn't waste any time" has been blurted out countless times when a bereaved person makes unexpected choices. My friend, "Trina", had mourned her husband during his terminal illness. While a caregiver observes the body's weakening, the dwindling and cessation of interests and activities, there may be a detachment.

In their 2011 book, The Caregiver's Tao Te Ching, William and Nancy Martin apply the 81 meditations of the Tao to the complicated and often unpredictable journey of giving care. Readers may have seen numerous topics turned into books with an overlay of Tao. The Martins identify these commonalities:

"Caregiving and the Tao...each ask that we show up and have a direct experience of life as it is unfolding in this moment...each seems unpredictable...each contains paradoxes that our desires and opinions cannot resolve..."

Interpreting meditation 66, "Remain Behind," the Martins advises caregivers: "help them but do not control them...the river of the Tao runs through them, stay out of the way and let that river do its work."  In doing so, peace and acceptance arrive like the flutter of a gentle breeze.

Baffling Outsiders

The caregiving experience is profound and life changing, and if that "gentle breeze" is adopted as lifestyle, choices and decisions may indeed baffle outsiders. 

When death finally took Trina's husband, she sent the gathered friends and family home, arranged for "Richard's" cremation, "and I went to bed for a week." She followed that unscripted week by opening the newspaper's community events calendar and "began filling my days."

Should Trina have been cleaning closets and crying in counseling? SHOULD is a problem word, and readers of this blog recently recalled the cruelty of Victorian era proscripts for appropriate mourning. 'Getting back into life' (a catchy jingle for an adult diaper brand) after a loved one's death is a Catch-22. Outsiders grow weary of coddling mourners yet they are also shocked by quick recoveries.

Re-attachment and remarriage

Three years after the fact, Sharlene's voice still carries stress as she describes her father, Edward's adjustment to widowhood: "within six months he was remarried." Edward is very typical. The San Diego Widowhood Project correlated "greater psychological well being" with a new meaningful relationship.

"By 25 months after the spouse's death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance."

This phenomenon relentlessly draws negative conclusions, whether about the competency of the widow or the motives of a new partner. Sharlene's family was so disturbed by the haste of the impending nuptuals, they had the woman (also a widow) investigated. There was no persuading Edward to slow down. Extravagant purchases and lifestyle changes were being made, but Sharlene's family was powerless to intervene. "We had to let it go. We had to restore our relationships with my Dad, for everyone's sake, especially the grandkids."

Powerlessness

Just as you are powerless to change the facts of someone else's grief, you are powerless to coach them to recovery (unless asked!) The Condolence Coach addresses this reality in Chapter 1, Page 1 of Words for when there are No Words: Writing a Memorable Condolence Note. 

It is so important to audit every sentence of condolence writing for "gremlin power plays."

You cannot fix, advise, persuade, condemn, cajole, or shame a grieving person onto the path you believe they should take. Even if you have experienced an identical loss, your expertise is not required. Share it in a support group, offer an opinion if asked, but remember it is only an opinion formed by your own circumstances. IT IS NOT AN ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

Trina reserved a portion of Richard's ashes and has taken them on all of her travels; he has joined the sea and soil of many countries. Readers may be interested to know that the U.S. National Park Service allows, by permit, the scattering of ashes from cremated human remains. There are usually no fees, but the "special use permit" should be obtained from the desired park.
She honored one son's wishes that there be a 'permanent place to visit his father,' by purchasing a double niche in a mausoleum of his hometown, where a custom designed urn is displayed. "It's a little strange to see my name on a plaque," Trina said with a smile because, in the words of Robert Frost, she has "miles to go before I sleep."

Life "unfolded" for Edward and Trina at a unique pace, with outcomes that met their needs. The Condolence Coach encourages readers to gently observe and support the flow of another person's river.

Read other posts about the time it takes to grieve:
The Myths About Grief and Getting Over It
and
Climbing Out of Deep Space: through and beyond grief

Thank you for caring!

When Grandparents Grieve

[Source: Heather, Openphoto]

Sometimes, grandparents are blindsided by the death of a grandchild. 

In The Grief of Grandparents, a brochure produced by The Compassionate Friends, it is dubbed:

A double loss.

Deeply saddened, often angry and frustrated by the circumstances of the death, a grandparent must also helplessly endure their child's mourning. 

[Source]

Whether the grandchild is 2, 12 or 22, the death is a shock.

Grieving Children: Part 2 The Memory Box Condolence Gift

Do children grieve? 

Punk Bird by Suzy St.John

Yes, of course. Children and teens have complex feelings and reactions to crises and changes. Children will grieve the loss of a family member by death or divorce, the loss of a friend, a pet, even a treasured toy.  This post is the second in a series on understanding--and effectively supporting--children who are mourning a death. Are you as shocked as I, to read: 

"One in 10 children under the age of 18 will experience the death of a parent. In Michigan, that statistic represents 117,000 children grieving a parent’s death, while thousands more grieve the death of a sibling or other loved one."

[Source: Ele's Place and U.S. Census Bureau]

 One of the fears commonly expressed by grieving children is about forgetting their loved one.

If I forget her, it will be like she never existed. Once forgotten, the heart will have a cold, dark and empty corner; it is a dreadful prospect for anyone, at any age.

Images, mementos, and memories

provide an important assurance and comfort.

An important step in grief work, especially for children, is to learn a new way to "maintain a connection to the people who were important in their life." At Ele's Place, a Healing Center for Grieving Children and Teens in Michigan, many participants decorate wooden [or other] boxes to hold treasured memories.

Simple beginnings for a memory box; click this link for instructions.

A Memory Box (with the supplies to decorate it) can make a wonderful condolence gift.  In addition to a blank box, supplies may include:

• markers and paint
• craft paper
• glue
• beads and letters
• stickers
• fabric and trims

Source:  see footnote 1

Source:  see footnote 2

Source:  see footnote 3

Any art therapist will tell you:  when children are creative, they are expressing--and processing, feelings. Encouraging them to do this--and providing resources, is very empowering during an otherwise powerless time.

Your Memory Box Condolence Gift should include a note with an explanation of the materials, and a few supportive thoughts.

Explanation of the materials:  You have many wonderful memories of [name or relationship,] and they are treasures! With these supplies, you can make a Memory Box to keep those treasures safe.

Supportive thoughts:

• Dear Jonah, my favorite memory with your Mom was going canoeing... If I find a picture, will you put it in your Memory Box?
• Dear Susan, your Dad dying is probably the hardest thing in your life. I can't make it hurt less, but I can help you hold his wonderful memory close. If you want to, we can make the boxes next Saturday!

I want to thank my friend, artist, Suzy St. John for permission to use her amazing art. I chose her painting, PUNK BIRD for this post because its black background reminds me that life circumstances can sometimes be very dark. With the support of caring people (you!) we find the strength, the wings, the spirit to soar above difficult times. 

Share this post... and thanks for caring!

FOOTNOTES:  memory box image sources:

1. http://babyccinokids.com/blog/2010/06/03/mosaic-memory-box-travel-with-kids-part-ii/
2. http://www.obseussed.com/2012/01/teacher-appreciation-ideas-memory-box.html
3. http://play2grow.co.za/blog/2011/05/kites-charity-uk-how-do-children-cope-with-the-death-of-a-loved-one-part-2

Is or Was? 24 hours ago or 24 hours later: A Tense Moment

[Source]

"What was his favorite color?" I asked the young man, as we stood in the display room of caskets.

"Was?" he replied in surprise?

It was an awkward moment. His father had died 24 hours ago, and choosing the color of a casket lining was like a dream he yearned to wake up from.

Since then, I have tried to use the present tense when speaking of a life only recently concluded. I strive to recognize that some aspects of a relationship are timeless, though a physical connection has ended.

Michele Neff Hernandez, widowed at a young age, wrote in her bi-monthly column 'Healing Through Loss':

"What I have learned is that his memory is held not only in the physical evidence of his existence, but in the indelible mark he left on my soul. No amount of time, space, or familiarity will rub that mark off."

In fact, you may remember the advice given by Phyllis in a recent post about the deaths of her children:  "I haven't cut my children out of my life story, so please don't. If you're chatting in the office about parenting, include me-- I'm a Mom, too. Let me know that you remember my daughter and son."

[Source]

If you are rolling your eyes and thinking this is getting too complicated, keep reading.

Sensitivity to a person's grief requires that we let them lead the way. A simple way to do that is by listening. 

Emily Clark, a writer for Hello Grief, also suggests a support technique called reaffirming what is said. This is an excellent skill for anyone wanting to improve sensitivity and conversational comprehension:  YOU'VE GOT TO PAY ATTENTION!  Put simply, when you are told, "I don't know what to do since Steve died, " your response can be "You feel overwhelmed by Steve's death."  

 "Don’t feel pressured to speak or come up with something eloquent.  The griever isn’t talking to you with an expectation that you are there to solve their problems or suddenly give them insight into their grief that they hadn’t considered before."  -Emily Clark

The Condolence Coach concurs, with a standard principle for note writers:  Though you can comfort, remember that you are powerless over grief. In a condolence note, you can offer to be a good listener without "hitting someone over the head with the offer."

Dear Maryanne, 

You are not alone in coping with the sadness of your sister, Ginny's death. I feel helpless to offer you much consolation, except to say how much I cherish the memories I have. 

I wish I'd been able to get down to her home in Florida. Ginny didn't seem to mind the miles between us; she hadn't adopted email, but typed letters with her signature sign-off, “I’ll close now with all of our love and kisses to you." 

Any time you want to talk, call me, and we'll sit with a pot of tea. Would you show me your photo albums? There are more wonderful stories to be told.

Thank you for caring!

POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

We look to leaders for direction, strategy and goals, project reviews and (dis)approvals. Sometimes, our leaders provide inspiration ... and sometimes they are called upon to provide sympathy. It is not a task to be delegated, as the President of the United States (POTUS) recognizes.

The circumstance of the loss--even suicide, does not discount the need for sympathy.

In 2011, President Barack Obama reversed a long-standing Department of Defense policy of not sending condolence to families of soldiers who commit suicide during deployment. To remove the stigma associated with the unseen wounds of war, the President set the example of staying with the core concepts of why we write condolence notes:

Sympathy Cards

I LOVE SHOPPING FOR CARDS AND STATIONERY (though I cringe at some of their prices,) so if I don't see what I want in my personal stationery box, out I go. 

What do I look for in a sympathy card? Two elements:  design/art and printed verse/message should convey your personal style but more importantly:  it should feel compatible with the grieving person and circumstances of the loss. You'll know it's the right one when you find it.

Avoid splashy, crazy, chaotic designs, and plee-e-e-e-ze: no musical or recordable message cards!!

But wait! Don't just write "I'm sorry" and sign it! What's memorable about that? Set the card aside and, on a plain sheet of paper, start composing a message. Use the name of the deceased, make note of the relationship--and qualities you admired in the deceased or the bereaved. 

One of the most important condolence skills I can coach, is:  do not try to explain, fix, or heal the loss.  It is not in your power to do so, it is not expected, and your well-intentioned suggestions will not be appreciated ... just "care" ... care enough to write that condolence note.

Boston Marathon Crisis and Why I Write Condolence Notes

To have another birthday is a privilege.

[Source]

Blogging can be a quiet activity. Statistics can be small. It can be tempting to say, "Why bother? Nobody's listening" and take a few weeks or months off of posting.

[Bonn Marathon; Source]

But with the senseless crisis in Boston last week (I'm a recreational runner,) my commitment to sensitizing the world must step up to the line.

Let's review the most important precept of condolence:

We are powerless over the loss and subsequent pain, but saying "I'm sorry" and applying a sincere hug or handshake is an act you DO have power over.

You have the power to express that you care.

Share this thought with a friend, and thank you for caring!

Need A Hug?

Matt Artz, unsplash.com

A point that comes up several times in my book, is that we are powerless to fix grief. It can be hard to watch the suffering; there are no magic phrases to be offered. But I can assure you that, over and over, I have been told--and I have observed in my work at the funeral home,that offering a hug and offering to listen are deeply appreciated!

When I began planning the concept and content of Words for when there are No Words, Writing A Memorable Condolence Note, I remembered a simple ink drawing that I had made during my college years. The original art is in a 4 x 6 inch sketch book.

Author's sketch

The androgynous character sits hugging a pillow; I like the simplicity and flowing lines. It's an effective logo because it delivers the message:  Care enough to comfort and, A condolence note can be like a hug.

What do you think?

When Children Die

[Author photo]

The news can evoke sudden tears or sudden silence:  when a child dies, the world turns upside down...because life is not supposed to end before it has really begun.

In a newsletter published by Hospice of Michigan, pediatric hospice programs were described. Some of the goals are:

• creating memories through meaningful activities
• encouraging goodbyes
• assuring comfort and quality of life for the child, and
• helping a grieving family find new meaning

Can your sympathy fit into this program? Absolutely; and the hospice model can offer us insights for crafting memorable condolence. 

For example: the spiritual and emotional components of hospice care guide expression during the journey to death, rather than dictate feelings or actions.

So, a good condolence acknowledges the pain and offers to listen. If the note says that you are praying for their comfort, do not tell the recipient to pray, as well. Express a sweet memory in your note, along with the hope to hear some of theirs. And if possible, you offer help with chores, errands, or bills.

Finally, I encourage you to grow in awareness of what it means to lose a child. Visit sites of organizations supporting parents who have faced a child's death: The Compassionate Friends and Parents of Murdered Children are two such groups. Both were invaluable during my book research.

Beyond "I'm Sorry"

I'D BE OUT OF A JOB if caring people--like you--didn't go to funeral home visitations. Maybe you walk in, put a package of cookies by the coffee maker in the lounge, sign the register book, shake hands, hug a person or two, wander by the collage of family photos, pick up a memorial folder...and then leave.

It meant a lot that you came. You can't change the circumstances facing your friend, co-worker, neighbor, cousin or client...but there is an additional way to communicate sympathy long after the loss:  a memorable condolence note.

Author image

Think about this:  have you ever saved a card or letter? What qualities made you value it, re-read it, treasure it, and even thank the sender?

Today, as this light of awareness brightens, you are beginning to understand what makes a note "memorable."