Surprise: I Thought I Was Past Grieving

Surprise: I thought I was past grieving

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There are some sounds, objects, places, dates and and times that trigger a melancholy moment or two. Surprise. He played soothing piano. She was an avid reader. We hiked in that canyon, got together for cards, ate tacos at that bar, watched that show on Saturday afternoon... and it has now been two or four or seven or fifteen years since their death but... your heart twists a little in those moments. Is it grief? Is it just enduring love? Is it okay?

It is all of the above.

I too, questioned---and even chastised---myself that:

• I rushed my grief work and now it was bubbling up because I hadn't "finished."
• I didn't know what grief really was.
• I didn't feel this kind of out-of-the-blue sadness after my grandparents passed; what was wrong with me?
• Maybe all the healthcare decisions (like starting hospice) weren't the right ones, and now I'll never find peace.

Maybe this, maybe that. Stop. 

Here are some facts about grief.

1. It is okay to move forward in life. 

Readers may remember my posts Grief Recovery: Grinding Up The Old Road, Paving The New and Be Brave With Your Life. Life is going to unfold--CHANGE--no matter what.  Maybe we learn how to adjust to little changes like a new class, a new healthcare routine, a new neighbor---as a form of training for the big stuff.  It is very important to give yourself a big hug every time a you take a brave step forward or find yourself in a brave "looking back" moment. 

        2.  Remember to stir some GRATITUDE into the deluge of feelings. 

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When I first put on a CD of piano music, which sent me into a panicked moment of grief, a person close to me scolded "don't do that!" But perhaps rather than fearing grief triggers by avoidance, it is helpful
to go ahead and feel it. Be honest in that moment and add a 'thank you' for the love behind the feeling. Another strategy is to ask a trusted individual to be with you for your early experiences of returning to an "old" activity.

Let me interject that, if your loss has resulted in a post-traumatic stress disorder for which you are following a care plan of treatment, please adhere to your plan. Healing and feeling secure are within your reach when you surround yourself with unconditionally loving support. At times, professional support is essential.

    

       3.    Do not judge yourself.

I cited just a few self-judging thoughts, above, and want to simply say: let it be! Judging, blame, regret are high on the list of thoughts that have low-to-no value... except that they guarantee an expansion of misery. Self acceptance, self love are as important as they are challenging, but try. Counter each self-blaming remark with a self-love statement. I frequently sign off condolence notes with 'be gentle with yourself' which is a nice way of saying LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK!

       4.    You are always growing.

I believe all of our circumstances are useful for our personal growth. Most world religions and spiritual teachings, including A Course In Miracles, recognize that a life path has stages of expansion and contraction, gain and loss, relinquishment and the discovery of new gifts. I have had dramatic shifts in circumstances where I simply had to trust in the discovery of new opportunities, gifts. They always show up. Patience, deep listening, visualization and supportive friends are useful. It is human to experience those unsettling moments of despair or frustration. Impulsive actions may look attractive simply because something is happening, but take a breath.  Action in response to a strong inner prompt for forward motion isn't bad: it is a fuel mix of hope and self-care, but that doesn't mean you should stomp on the accelerator. How about a relaxed survey of options, like a dress rehearsal?

When I sought a change of residence after being widowed, I wasn't certain where I wanted to move so I made a wish list. It included being closer to the friends and activities I enjoyed. So I got in my car and drove an hour+ to the communities that fit; I discovered that some places I thought would work were not ideal for impromptu coffee get togethers; I took another look at my wish list and refined what I needed to meet those goals. This dress rehearsal prevented me from an impulsive, poorly devised housing decision. Listen to your gut but use your head: spend time with your wish list and consider the pros and cons of those options. I believe you will know the difference between 😝IMPULSE and INSPIRATION 😇.

        5.    Griefbursts and time.

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I like to bake muffins and always set the kitchen timer. I set alarms reminders so I'm not late for Zoom meetings, and give myself plenty of travel time to arrive early for my volunteer work. But readers of this blog know that I constantly advise:  DON'T PUSH A GRIEVING PERSON!  Dr. Alan D.Wolfelt's The Mourner's Bill of Rights emphasizes individuality. It also refers to experiencing "griefbursts." Think of a time when you got caught in a rain shower:  it wasn't in the forecast and you didn't bring a jacket or umbrella but here it is, so you get wet but you'll wait ten minutes, and it will pass. Be patient with a griefburst. Recognize it as an aspect of having treasured memories and, as you know, memories can last a lifetime! I am making a new vow to receive surprise moments of grief with gratitude and love. 

Thank you for sharing and caring!

The Practice of Caring

Who Cares?

While driving recently, I saw a service truck with a door panel that read: ChasRoberts *A/C  *Plumbing   *Caring. Huh? Stopped at a light, I looked twice, carefully reading what I thought I'd read the first time:  Yep, it said Caring. Skeptics might say, "sure, it sounds good, but does it mean anything?" I have never used the company, and in truth, rendering care is something done by a person not an entire company. The takeaway for me, though, was simply c-a-r-e. 

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We live in a rushed, multi-tasking, highly-app'd society where impersonal efficiency is only softened by mandated courtesy. But there really are people who break through the sterile to care. The Wall Street Journal published a story of a businessman who had taken on the practice of tipping the unheralded among service workers. His focus are workers who do not share in a tip jar and usually have no direct interaction with shoppers and customers-- grocery baggers, cart wipers. ticket takers... He wants no praise, in fact, his style is to quickly hand the folded twenty and rush out. He leaves gaping, grateful surprise in his wake.

Caring. Hiking this morning after a rainy night, I saw heart rocks revealed from their bed of washed soil; I saw a heart shaped puddle in the surface depression of a large rock; I saw tangles of vine twisted by wind into a heart shape. We are constantly in positions to care, to recognize the opportunity in a moment's sweet surge of gratitude or compassion. 

Compassion is a state of heart

Let's take a look at compassion in this world of challenges. I've had an experience of hiring a man to fix peeling paint on a wall surrounding my yard. We agreed on a price and the timeframe of the job. Day one was about two hours of effective preparation work; the wall was powerwashed and some patching and caulking was applied. I was asked for another cash advance because of a mismatch on the purchased paint. Did I trust this man? I overcame some hesitation by believing in a higher good, but four days went by without work and his six-word texts paired equipment problems with promises. Had I been scammed? I held my thought on the highest good for both of us: my wall and whatever chaos made JR's life and work appear unreliable was turned over to a Higher Power. Three days later, he texted, said he'd been ill, and the job would resume.

I value the writing of Jack Kornfield, and have referred to him in other posts on mindfulness practices. In a meditation titled Family Peace: A Reconciliation Meditation, Kornfield writes:

Compassion is a state of heart, not co-dependence. In true compassion we do not lose our own self-respect or sacrifice ourselves blindly for others. Compassion is a circle that encompasses all beings, including ourselves. It blossoms only when we ask, “Is this compassionate for ourselves as well as others?” When these two sides are in harmony true reconciliation can happen.

Self-Caring

There are a few areas on my ceramic tile floor that, if tapped, have a hollow sound. The thinset mortar has shrunk creating inner spaces, fragile pockets of emptiness.

There are times when I tap at my heart, and find hollows in the resonance of my well being and life balance. My first aid kit at these times (in no particular order) are reliable practices to restore personal harmony:

• meditation and faith practices
• fresh air and outdoor exercise
• caring and service opportunities
• upbeat time with a good friend

Loving kindness is often noted in Buddhism, and modern teachers like Jack Kornfield remind us to always include ourselves. Self criticism and judgement, negative self talk are huge drains because our egos strut their intimidating false authority. It requires rigorous, nearly continual practice to view all negative thought as false. We must catch ourselves and abruptly counter a negative with a loving kindness positive. For example, "I'm a needy person," is lovingly restated as "I always know what I need and want to feel well."

Does It Really Matter?

See for yourself. Conduct a weeklong trial of care vs. don't care. On the CARE side, do any number of these things:  greet cashiers and ask how their day is going; when problem solving with a clerk over the phone or in person, say you know their job can't be easy and you appreciate their service; let pedestrians cross in front of your car---even if they are super slow; let another driver have a sweet parking spot; clean something for a family member/someone you live with; bring a coworker a fresh iced water or hot coffee...

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Then, On the DON'T CARE side, take opportunities to put yourself first, be impatient with busy service workers, or even complain loudy about slowness; leave your fast food wrappers on the restaurant table, don't walk your shopping cart to the cart corral--just leave it in the middle of an empty parking place. In a medical office with masking requirements, hassle the receptionist that you're sick and tired of the rule... 

Pay attention to your mood during and after those choices:  it is going to be obvious that yes, caring really does matter---for your own wellbeing and for the juicy joy that shimmers in your wake. And, in fairness, if doing the "I don't care" stuff lets you feel things are A-OK, then maybe this blog isn't for you.

Did I say it was always going to be easy? No. Will you have lapses of impatience and anger? It's likely. As the brilliant minister at my church likes to say: Let yourself off the hook! Tomorrow will dawn with a new opportunity.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

 

Work and Grief: PTO Falls Short

 Let's discuss bereavement time. I know so many people who's paid (or unpaid but sanctioned) time off work comes from a benefit known as PTO-- Personal Time Off, but back in the day, time off for a death was called bereavement leave. It usually maxxed out at three days. That would be enough for travel to-and-from a funeral destination with a buffer to improve on the puffy or dark-circled eyes and rehearse what might pass as an "I'm okay" facade. Do you have rights? Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. crafted The Mourner's Bill of Rights to advocate gentleness toward grieving people. It is beautifully caring and encourages a mindfulness through grief...but it is far from a corporate manual.

Are you really back to work just because your body showed up?

A February, 2022 Wall Street Journal article by Work & Life columnist Rachel Feintzeig, Workers Get More Time to Grieve Losses  caught my attention. One interviewee stated that her work performance during grief felt "like 10% capacity."  I know someone who felt such perpetual brain fog after the death of her mother, she wanted to resign. 

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The woman I'll call the 10 percenter, eventually rose to an influential executive level and instituted 'unlimited paid bereavement leave.' This radical and risky policy is steeped in heart but can it float in a demanding work environment? I know what it's like to feel you have to show up, no matter what. And let's just go ahead and include our pets' deaths in the category of Excruciating Loss...but don't expect paid leave for anyone other than immediate family.

In my funeral home days, staff handed out funeral passes to requesting guests. Noting the basics of decedent, relationship, and date of service(s), I would pen my authorized signature and zip it off the pre-printed pad. Fast forward to the guest's first day back at work as she/he turns in the pass to their supervisor or HR. I get it: the system can and will be abused. I also get that the generosity of benefits may be linked to corporate size or paygrade. 

I was struck by Feintzeig's keen observation that "bereavement, burnout and child-care issues were once considered private matters to be dealt with largely on one's own."  Grieving doesn't watch the clock and switch off from 8 to 5. At work, it is a naked, clinging-to-calm-by-the-fingernails kind of experience. You can feel fragile or so numbed and shut down that, while craving human warmth, social anxiety overwhelms. The risk of being seen as weak or incompetent is so powerful, and the effort to appear normal is so exhausting,you rush back to the caccoon of home to collapse.

The U.S. Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 supports unpaid leave for qualifying birth and health events of employees in certain size workplaces. The Covid era with its huge mortality has torn the veil on assumptions about grief. Covid era grief has also been complicated by social distancing, restrictions on gatherings, and facility closures. I made my late husband's cremation arrangements through my car window in a blustery parking lot; his ashes were handed to me in the same manner. 

What should you do when you need bereavement leave?

Ask for a clear understanding of company policies. Can you refer to an Employee Handbook? The funeral you wish to attend may not be for an approved loss (ie. a relationship beyond family of origin or spouse;) can you use PTO, or is there an employee bank of PTO for emergency situations?

Ask your supervisor for ideas of meeting your job goals with less stress: can you work remotely?

The inside job

Most importantly, assume that the work setting is not your go-to for support. Your appetite may be off but consume a plentiful diet of self care:

• Spend time with trusted friends willing to listen, hug, and offer words of comfort 
• Schedule professional grief counseling--often available virtually

• 

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  Get out of doors into fresh air-- your garden or a natural setting
  
• Enjoy time with your (or a friend's) pet
• Prioritize your mindfulness practices: yoga, journaling, meditation
• Read a good book about grief (ideally specific to your type of loss,) and
• Explore any other spiritual or faith traditions that help you feel peaceful.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

In the Bewilds: Trekking Grief's Wilderness

The Growing Through Grief series

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Let me be clear: this is a trek with all the challenges of a Himalayan expedition: low oxygen, sapping exertion, sudden storms, and shivering alone in your tent. This wilderness of experience and eviscerating emotion--what I've dubbed the Bewilds, is both an uncontrolled ride down rapids and a process of choices. Open to it all, I find myself awed by the day's catalogue of wonders: a caring email, phone message, or invitation, a kindred soul walking her dog, another pair of hands for an unfamiliar task.

In so-named books, Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD refers to 'the wilderness of grief' as life changing. Francis Weller, MFT suggests 'the wild edge of sorrow' is an invitation to sacred ground. Just as I approached my husband's dying as a sacred journey, I am committed to trying to grieve with a higher consciousness, a patient awareness.

The formidable and even frightening solo trek becomes a mindful mile if I pause to pull essentials from my pack. Surprising reliefs are found in deep and easy breaths, the reviving self care of rations, rest, and light reading. Like an LED flashlight, a companion's visit brings calming clarity; and the littlest accomplishment soothes weariness as if pulling on soft socks. 

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In Grieving,The Sacred Art, Hope in the Land of Loss, Lisa Irish notes,

 "Loss can be mourned even as positive changes become evident."  

Numerous philosophers have explored the hair's width of space between endings and beginnings. So, trekking the Bewilds is not without tears ... or anticipation. 

Hoping to feel 'like your old self' is like reaching for your comfort food. I inwardly cringed when a 5-year widow admitted to still having painful, tearful moments. My peers help me to grasp that grieving is not like post surgical rehab. We have been 'transformed' and live a 'new normal.'

This post is simply a moment in my trek into my new normal. I know that I will continue to change and grow-- and even backup, when necessary. Every griever is a solo trekker and should be respected as such. 

The Condolence Coach continues to suggest that before giving practical advice or spiritual direction to a person in mourning, you ask them if they want it. You could say things like: This may not apply to you, but when I was grieving my dad...  or You'll know when you feel ready to... or I'm glad I have a special spot to go say hello... 

Thank you for caring!