Condolence By Email: Caring Words Don't Need Postage

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It's time for me to update a position I wrote about over a decade ago. In writing To Hold A Card In Your Hand, I referenced etiquette expert Miss Manners (Judith Martin) and the courtesies and comforts of condolence notes received through the mail. The qualities I was most enthusiastic about had to do with being able to share the card, re-read the card, and to hold a card. And while there is certainly no reason to argue against those benefits, let's look at some realities.

Connections

Today, we know a lot of people through affiliations of activities, employment, volunteering, social media, chance-but-meaningful encounters and numerous other connections. BUT WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR MAILING ADDRESSES. In fact, in so many affiliations it would seem intrusive to even ask for a mailing address. I have encountered that 'awkward moment' in asking, and better realized that someone felt my request was crossing a line---too personal. So let's respect that, and move on.

There is a very good chance that your affiliation does include an email address. Never use email addresses for solicitation unless it is clearly a networking affiliation such as LinkedIn, Meetup, Facebook or another social media forum with the key purpose of information exchange.

Sharing

Condolence by email does allow sharing and re-reading. I have done both with emailed condolences and appreciate the quick access to archived email. Most importantly, the caring gesture, the sympathy and compassionate outreach is appreciated by someone facing a loss. 

Will there be a later cup of coffee and more sharing? You could mention it if both of you are local. But it is okay to maintain the electronic line and even elevate the 'meeting of hearts and minds', over the meeting of eyes over lattes.

Caring

With this established, what does your e-condolence say? 

• Who are you writing to? Are you writing to a relative, a coworker, a client? Are you the manager or owner of a company with a grieving employee? Need a cross-section of situational sensitivity? 

• E-cards: It's not necessary, but if you subscribe to an e-card app this is a good start. There are themes for sympathy and you can select the right imagery and vibe. Most cards are animated and have a soundtrack, so exercise the patience to preview the card to determine if it is suited to the recipient and the nature of the loss.

• Your words: There is only one mission to a condolence:  COMFORT. Never express a personal

  

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  agenda or judgment in condolence! I have actually been told or overhead these ill-suited comments: "Now that your cat is gone you can babysit my cat when I travel." "Being single has its benefits." "You can take your mind off it with the new project." "You still have the other kids." "Well, she was very old." "My memorial donation to ____ is eligible for the extra charitable deduction." Readers, you get my point!

• Sorry. Gratitude. Good Memories. Admiration. Connect with your heart before you start typing, and certainly before you hit SEND. This note does not have to be particularly lengthy, just focus on caring. Re-read your sympathy expression: does it warm your heart? If so, you have written a lovely e-condolence. 

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Condolence When Your Coach Dies: Saying Thank you

The headline read:

Livonia Stevenson coaching icon Reardon passes away 

My thoughts went back to those 'Friday Night Lights' years. Those were the years of envying gymnastically-adept cheerleaders, and tongue-tied gazing at the player boy I had a crush on.

"Goodbye, Stevenson High"

My favorite memory of the football field was commencement on a hot June afternoon. Today's high schools rent fancy auditoriums so no one sweats:  boring! I have a crooked pinkie finger from catching a football wrong, but that was in the backyard. Still, I know one absolute:

Some coaches earn their icon status

Ed Wright, staff writer for Hometown Life newspapers' Livonia Observer, allowed me to share this January 21, 2015 tribute article with you:

A condolence note is a thank you

Here's how to write to the family of your coach:

1. Visit the funeral home website. Remember: even if you get your details from Facebook or another social media site, your goal is to write a note, not just leave a comment. You may learn more about the deceased. I learned that Coach Reardon served in the United States Army during the Korean conflict years; he was a widow and has a surviving daughter and grandkids.  
2. Make note of the funeral home mailing address. If you do not have or cannot obtain a home address for family, send your note to the funeral home.
3. Jot down memories. This is the heart of your condolence note.
4. Consider and share life-shaping moments. How has the coach impacted your values, your life direction, your problem-solving or people skills?
5. Acknowledge that the loss of this special person must be painful.
6. Is there a way you can (or do) "pay it forward"?

Thank you for caring!

Sending Condolence to Clients, Customers, Colleagues

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At the funeral home, it is common to receive floral arrangements from businesses. Occasionally, flowers arrive from doctors and medical practices.

While flowers are thoughtful and appreciated courtesies, can more be expressed to the family of your deceased clients and customers?

Business professionals may wonder...

• He was a great customer but I didn't know much about him.
• We used her catering service frequently, but I don't have his family's address.
• I do her bookkeeping and tax preparation, but I wouldn't want to breach confidentiality.
• We met networking; as a realtor, I'd love to have the listing if his wife wants to sell.
• It was hard to watch him decline, so I'll just leave them in peace.

The Condolence Coach posed these concerns to Dan West, President and CEO of the Livonia Chamber of Commerce. Although Dan is a champion for business, he links their success to active relationships with the community, its schools and the families of all concerned. 

He has attended many services, and observes, "Funerals are a deeply emotional and personal matter for the people involved, and that must be respected."  

While Dan values networking, he advises that condolence notes reflect "a personal relationship you have to the [deceased] person."  You should "sign cards and notes with your name, not that of the company."
He continues, "When writing such a note, keep the message simple and concise. No lecturing, no sermons, just a quick expression of condolences and let the person know you are thinking about them."

The Condolence Coach suggests that you mention a quality of the deceased which you appreciated or admired... 

cheerful  prompt  organized  team spirit  creative  skilled  funny  patient  optimistic  friendly  good memory  kind  hard worker  disciplined caring generous  dependable

Dan is firmly against using a death as a prospecting opportunity:  "It's tacky." 

The Condolence Coach urges you avoid the stance of 'leaving the grieving in peace.'  It is rarely the best choice. If you can draw upon a personal connection, do so. It matters.

To read other posts discussing leaders, authorities, professions and condolence, please see these posts:
Doctors & Medical Practitioners: Charting Final Thoughts with Condolence
Ithaca College President Reaches Out With Condolence
POTUS Does It & So Should You: Condolence After a Suicide

Share this story, and thank you for caring!

Missing In Action! A Soldier's Sister Keeps Vigil

'The crash woke me up from a sound sleep.'

"I'd dreamed I saw the smoking wreckage of a car or plane that had crashed in the desert of the American Southwest. It was so real!" 

Douglas Ferguson in Flight Suit. (Sue Scott)

'And later that day, December 30, 1969, I knew my brother's spirit had come to me in that dream, as my family received a phone call informing us that Doug--USAF Captain Douglas Ferguson, had been shot down over Laos.'     -Sue Scott

For Sue Scott, it has taken 44 years to reach this day. Doug's remains were recovered from the crash site in April 2013, and identified this past February. With a deep sigh of grief mixed with relief, she says:

"He is ready to be home now." 

Doug in Uniform (Sue Scott)

"Home" will be near Mom and Dad in the family's Tacoma, Washington gravesite, during Doug's Committal Service with Honors on May 2, 2014, surrounded by family and devoted supporters.

"I always thought I would get lucky with an answer," Sue admitted, "taking it 'one day at a time'" (for 16,060 days.) She likens the experience of a loved one missing, to losing a child in a store. "At first, they feel so close; you know if you keep looking, you will be reunited." Sue explained that, early on, the usual "signals of a crash" were not evident, "so there was hope."

But obtaining information about Prisoner of War/Missing in Action (POW/MIA) soldiers' status was hard won, and next to impossible in the regions of conflict. The new anti-war era of pushing back gave stunned families, like Sue's, a voice. The National League of POW/MIA Families was formed in 1970 and to this day, provides powerful advocacy.

"1,642 Americans are still listed by DoD as missing and unaccounted-for from the Vietnam War...The League seeks the fullest possible accounting for those still missing and repatriation of all recoverable remains.  The League’s highest priority is accounting for Americans last known alive."   Status-of-the-POW/MIA Issue - March 11, 2014

Another 'voice' came in the form of brass and copper bracelets launched by a Los Angeles, California student organization, VIVA (Voices in Vital America) that embraced the desperation of wives of pilots who had been declared MIA in Vietnam.

Through and beyond my 1970's school years, my mother, Elizabeth, like 5 million others, wore a bracelet engraved with a soldier's name. "As the mother of teenagers, I was so sorry--and yet so proud, to wear it," she shared.

Sue Scott wore a bracelet with Doug's name, but being vocal about her missing brother was not always easy. Captain Ferguson's status was Missing In Action (MIA) until a military review board amended it a few years later to: Presumed Killed In Action.  Sue said, "the abnormal became normal; my focus was always broader than my own loss. I was driven to keep the issue alive," even as emotions about the Vietnam War ran hot.

She continued, "Co-workers respected my work with the League but, petitioning door to door, I'd been told, 'your brother got what he deserved.' That hurt."

Over the years, Sue has found these things helpful to take care of herself:

• Keeping close to faith and family.
• The recent creation of a memorial website for her brother: Forever Missed memorial tribute to Doug. "It's been wonderful to connect with people I haven't seen in so long, people who knew and cared about my brother."
• Having a mission-- a deep sense of purpose.

Living a purposeful life has, for Sue, been "an opportunity to make a small difference in the world so that the families of those who serve today--and in the future--will never have to wait more than 40 years for answers, and our service members will be returned to their homeland."

In addition to her long tenure with The National League of POW/MIA Families, Sue serves on a review committee for appointments to U.S. military academies (Doug was a graduate of the Air Force Academy.) Here too, her passion has a voice as she assure candidates, "we've got your back." And Sue Scott is proud of what she calls

 'Doug's Final Gift'

"This was not a journey I made by choice. But faced with a challenge, ordinary people can become part of something bigger. Collectively, we accomplish much, and impact the world."

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AFTERWORD:   As I researched and wrote this post, I thought of other types of missing persons...

a family nightmare that begins with a runaway, a kidnapping (including parental,) a disappearance.

These are complex losses, deeply painful, and often unresolved. The burden of uncertainty is crushing. I will write more on this loss, in the future.

To send a note of sympathy in an unresolved loss situation, the Condolence Coach suggests:

• I am so sorry you are facing this.
• I know you love (name) very much.
• No matter what happens, memories of (name) live on, for me. (Include a brief, happy story, if you wish.)
• I pray for you and (name) every day.

Read Sue's One Year Anniversary Reflection 


ADDITIONAL POSTS RELATED TO MILITARY FAMILIES:
POTUS does it and you should too
Please don't ask me how my son died


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Leaders Do The Right Thing: Condolence and Professional Relationships

This is the second in a series about leaders who understand the need to step off the operations train from time to time...

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We look to leaders for direction, strategy and goals, project reviews and (dis)approvals. Sometimes, our leaders provide inspiration ... and sometimes they are called upon to provide sympathy. 

A leader cannot be too busy to care.

Thomas Rochon, Ithaca College President since 2008, hits the ground running each day-- at whatever hour the day demands.  He responds to the college, the community, and the hundreds of warm connections honed during an education career that was launched nearly 40 years ago at the University of Michigan, and progressed to span three continents (and many time zones!)

Dr. Rochon, "Tom," has plenty of valid excuses to opt for a sympathy email/text/tweet, or delegate staff to send "a nice floral arrangement," but he does not.