The Practice of Caring

Who Cares?

While driving recently, I saw a service truck with a door panel that read: ChasRoberts *A/C  *Plumbing   *Caring. Huh? Stopped at a light, I looked twice, carefully reading what I thought I'd read the first time:  Yep, it said Caring. Skeptics might say, "sure, it sounds good, but does it mean anything?" I have never used the company, and in truth, rendering care is something done by a person not an entire company. The takeaway for me, though, was simply c-a-r-e. 

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We live in a rushed, multi-tasking, highly-app'd society where impersonal efficiency is only softened by mandated courtesy. But there really are people who break through the sterile to care. The Wall Street Journal published a story of a businessman who had taken on the practice of tipping the unheralded among service workers. His focus are workers who do not share in a tip jar and usually have no direct interaction with shoppers and customers-- grocery baggers, cart wipers. ticket takers... He wants no praise, in fact, his style is to quickly hand the folded twenty and rush out. He leaves gaping, grateful surprise in his wake.

Caring. Hiking this morning after a rainy night, I saw heart rocks revealed from their bed of washed soil; I saw a heart shaped puddle in the surface depression of a large rock; I saw tangles of vine twisted by wind into a heart shape. We are constantly in positions to care, to recognize the opportunity in a moment's sweet surge of gratitude or compassion. 

Compassion is a state of heart

Let's take a look at compassion in this world of challenges. I've had an experience of hiring a man to fix peeling paint on a wall surrounding my yard. We agreed on a price and the timeframe of the job. Day one was about two hours of effective preparation work; the wall was powerwashed and some patching and caulking was applied. I was asked for another cash advance because of a mismatch on the purchased paint. Did I trust this man? I overcame some hesitation by believing in a higher good, but four days went by without work and his six-word texts paired equipment problems with promises. Had I been scammed? I held my thought on the highest good for both of us: my wall and whatever chaos made JR's life and work appear unreliable was turned over to a Higher Power. Three days later, he texted, said he'd been ill, and the job would resume.

I value the writing of Jack Kornfield, and have referred to him in other posts on mindfulness practices. In a meditation titled Family Peace: A Reconciliation Meditation, Kornfield writes:

Compassion is a state of heart, not co-dependence. In true compassion we do not lose our own self-respect or sacrifice ourselves blindly for others. Compassion is a circle that encompasses all beings, including ourselves. It blossoms only when we ask, “Is this compassionate for ourselves as well as others?” When these two sides are in harmony true reconciliation can happen.

Self-Caring

There are a few areas on my ceramic tile floor that, if tapped, have a hollow sound. The thinset mortar has shrunk creating inner spaces, fragile pockets of emptiness.

There are times when I tap at my heart, and find hollows in the resonance of my well being and life balance. My first aid kit at these times (in no particular order) are reliable practices to restore personal harmony:

• meditation and faith practices
• fresh air and outdoor exercise
• caring and service opportunities
• upbeat time with a good friend

Loving kindness is often noted in Buddhism, and modern teachers like Jack Kornfield remind us to always include ourselves. Self criticism and judgement, negative self talk are huge drains because our egos strut their intimidating false authority. It requires rigorous, nearly continual practice to view all negative thought as false. We must catch ourselves and abruptly counter a negative with a loving kindness positive. For example, "I'm a needy person," is lovingly restated as "I always know what I need and want to feel well."

Does It Really Matter?

See for yourself. Conduct a weeklong trial of care vs. don't care. On the CARE side, do any number of these things:  greet cashiers and ask how their day is going; when problem solving with a clerk over the phone or in person, say you know their job can't be easy and you appreciate their service; let pedestrians cross in front of your car---even if they are super slow; let another driver have a sweet parking spot; clean something for a family member/someone you live with; bring a coworker a fresh iced water or hot coffee...

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Then, On the DON'T CARE side, take opportunities to put yourself first, be impatient with busy service workers, or even complain loudy about slowness; leave your fast food wrappers on the restaurant table, don't walk your shopping cart to the cart corral--just leave it in the middle of an empty parking place. In a medical office with masking requirements, hassle the receptionist that you're sick and tired of the rule... 

Pay attention to your mood during and after those choices:  it is going to be obvious that yes, caring really does matter---for your own wellbeing and for the juicy joy that shimmers in your wake. And, in fairness, if doing the "I don't care" stuff lets you feel things are A-OK, then maybe this blog isn't for you.

Did I say it was always going to be easy? No. Will you have lapses of impatience and anger? It's likely. As the brilliant minister at my church likes to say: Let yourself off the hook! Tomorrow will dawn with a new opportunity.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

 

Journey of the Mind: Co-Meditation with the Dying

 Sacred Journey

Off and on for over twenty years, I’ve been a hospice volunteer and my favorite duty has been sitting with the actively dying. Tough, right? Actually, I view dying as a sacred journey--the counterpoint to the wonder of birth and thus, it’s a privilege to share that space with someone. One afternoon, I was called to visit “Cheryl,” who was quickly declining. Medications had been administered but I found her restless and distressed after a fall and painful arm injury. “I just want to go into the woods and die,” she cried. “Well, you can, Cheryl. Let’s go together,” was my reply.

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Gently stroking her hand, I described our walk from the sidewalk of a noisy Tucson street into the breeze whispering stillness of the woods.
Underfoot, the dense loam of brown leaves and pine needles hushed and softened our footsteps. Pale light filtered through the forest canopy; a squirrel darted by and unseen birds chittered now and then. “The woods smell so sweet; why don’t we sit on this big log for awhile, Cheryl.” In the afternoon stillness, our breathing slowed and words were unnecessary. We had arrived at the doorway to peace, and Cheryl left her body a few hours later.

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Freedom of Spirit

Jack Kornfield, author and a key teacher of mindfulness, calls this experience “freedom of spirit.” No matter what circumstances weigh on your physical life, your spirit--the ‘you’ behind the flesh--is always free. Kornfield reminds us, “your mind is not limited to your head,” so you need only be still and aware to enter unrestricted spaciousness. Older adults often find it easier to settle in a comfy chair, close the eyes, enjoy some full breaths and then float in awareness. The seas and breezes of your being may drift through memory and gratitude, to a place of deep peace. Some people call it a ‘practice’ and use bells and rituals to get here. Increasingly, health professionals are putting down the prescription pads and pointing to quiet places. 

Comeditation

If you find yourself with a loved one who is dying, or struggling with an illness, follow my example of introducing comeditation. It has been proven to calm physical and mental distress. It can be focused on natural, rhythmic breathing without words, but an explanation to the person you are caring for, helps them orient to the calm. It is also important to note that the dying person does not need to be conscious to benefit!

You can make a difference:  pull up a chair, take their hand, and ask: 

If you could be some place else right now, where would you go?

What a wonderful gift to offer! If their go-to place is something you can describe, do so; if they feel able to describe the journey, encourage them to be as vivid and sensory in their description, as possible. But for the fullest calming benefit, don't turn it into a dialogue. Finally, once you both have "arrived" at the place, sit quietly with eyes closed. Let the journey last for its comfortable duration. 

Read more about impermanence and mindfulness:

Impermanence: changing how you cope with change

Read more about mindfulness:

Finding pleasure and peace in slow

Thank you for caring...and sharing!