FAQs on Attending A Memorial Service

 I was recently asked: "I'm going to a memorial service; should I bring flowers?" 

Nareeta Martin, Unsplash

In thinking of my reply, I remembered that in a few weeks I am also due at a memorial service. Let's get ready, together.

What exactly is a memorial service? 

A memorial service is scheduled to occur after the disposition of the decedent's body. The term "service" implies that there will be an officiant or clergy, and a program featuring one or more eulogies, prayers, and music. A military honor guard may have been arranged for a veteran which will include the poignant ritual of Taps played, along with an American flag being folded and presented to family. The service concludes with words of committal, and likely, an invitation to a reception or meal.

Will I see the body?

Unlike a "funeral" where a casketed body may or not be present, a memorial service is a time of remembrance without the decedent's body. But do not assume what form of disposition took place. Reasons for a memorial service can vary and include:

• Immediate cremation took place. Cremated remains in an urn may be on display at the service; or they may have already been shipped to a cemetery or out of town recipient. 
• There may not be an urn on display. Ashes may have been dispersed by air or scattered in a meaningful place. Many people are considering having a loved one's ashes crafted into something artistic or symbolic such as jewelry or keepsake stones.
• In some instances, multiple memorial and funeral activities may occur in different locations. A casket may have been shipped out of the area for a funeral and subsequent burial, but local family and friends want their own time of remembrance. 

Is a memorial service the same as a Celebration of Life? 

It can be. "Celebration of Life" is often an opportunity for more casual hospitality, but it too, will be held in a location convenient to accommodate guests-- whether a home, restaurant, mortuary or church. Sharing memories becomes the springboard for informal mingling; the host/ess may take time to eulogize the deceased, invite others' stories, and thank those attending for their support.

Should I bring flowers or a card to a memorial service? 

Photo by Girl with red hat,
Unsplash

A memorial service has been planned by staff at a place of worship or a mortuary (funeral home.) A plant or flower arrangement(s) may be in the room. However, this is not the format for staff to receive and place unexpected floral arrangements. It is best to not bring flowers.

However, bringing a card is a very nice gesture, and there will be a designated table or basket awaiting these. If you do not see an obvious place for your card, hand it to a family member. This blog has many posts on what to write in a condolence note and types of cards to select. Make it personal, from your heart. 

Will there be a photo or memorabilia display?

It's likely that at least one portrait will be on display; everyone wants to remember the individual in the many nuances of their relationships, so expect to see a video tribute, a photo board, a table of favorite or characteristic objects. If you have a wonderful photo to share, you may bring it; if it is not a gift, be sure to take it with you rather than having to track it down at a later date.

 Is it just for relatives? Who should attend? 

It is very rare that a memorial service is restricted to relatives, and if it is, you will likely not have heard about it OR been clearly informed by your contact something like: "her wishes were for a private family gathering."  

Think of your own life and the array of connections made over your lifetime. You may encounter former neighbors, coworkers, and people from various activities...this makes for a perfect "mingling" question: "How did you know [name]"  Som like it or not, be gracious and respect the occasion: everyone is there to honor the decedent's life and support surviving family members. Attending a memorial service can have pleasant surprises such as what happened a few years ago while I attended a memorial for the late husband of a neighbor. 

Can I speak?

It is very likely that the officiant or host will invite anyone present to share a thought about the deceased. Even if you say just one sentence, I encourage you to do so. And if you get emotional during your sharing--THAT'S OKAY. Remember: no remarks should be embarassing or unkind. If you wrote out a memory or story and it is more than one or two paragraphs, bring it to the attention of the officiant before the service starts. They will advise you if it is okay to use that much time in reading it. An alternative for sharing a lengthy story is to simply give the paper to a family member or enclose it in your card.

I feel a lot of emotions about this death. Is it okay if I cry?

This is a wonderful question and my answer is YES. The memorial service is a beautiful opportunity to express the emotions of grief in the company of others who loved and cared for the deceased. Hymns, eulogies, an honor guard--- all of these things can cause you to get choked up, cry, weep, and even cling to another grieving person. There is no reason to feel embarrassed. Put some tissue in your pocket before arriving. 

Do I have to stay for a post-service reception?

Some Celebrations of Life include a potluck. It is nice to bring something---especially if you may enjoy a few bites before leaving. But, it is perfectly fine to skip the reception and leave quietly. Be sure you have signed the guest book, if provided. If you already had an opportunity to greet the host, you do not need to seek them out to excuse yourself. And if you did not speak to the host, it is still alright to leave quietly.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Spirits Soaring: Consider Aerial Release of Cremated Remains

Like most who coincidentally learn of the service (I saw the truck in a parking lot,) I was curious to visit the website of this business...and then, I was curious to meet its founder, Greg.

Angel's-Ashes

...a simple mission with a huge impact:

“to help you gain closure in your life by releasing your Angel's-Ashes from our aircraft over a location that is dear to you or your loved one. Our aerial ash release service is the perfect way to memorialize a loved one and celebrate their free spirit. Our aerial releases are controlled and conducted with the utmost respect and dignity for your loved one.”

What draws people to Angel's-Ashes?

Greg has heard their stories, which have a common thread. “Sometimes, people don’t know what to do with the ashes of a loved one. Years can pass and still, there are the ashes…” They may be in the original box from the crematory or in an urn but, sitting on a shelf, in a closet, something feels unfinished.

And one day, it happens for someone:
"I saw your truck and it was meant to be!"
[author photo]

What draws Greg to offer Angel's-Ashes services?

Greg has been a pilot since serving in the U.S. Air Force. He crews with an airline, volunteers with the student motivational program, Wright Flight, and has flown regional and Grand Canyon tours, Civil Air Patrol, law enforcement support, and he's even towed a few banners! “I was just 15 at my first loss--my mom, Edwina; it was pretty tough. Every loss is personal and unique, and everybody handles loss differently. But no matter how you cope, it can be isolating.” Greg mentioned the commonly used funeral poem, 'I’m Not There (Do Not Stand at My Grave'). “I feel blessed to offer my flying skills to truly facilitate ‘ashes to ashes, dust to dust.’ When cremated remains are released aerially, it’s a powerful metaphor for releasing the spirit.”

Is It Expensive?

An aerial release can be arranged for about $300; that’s less than the price of a basic urn.“This is a passion over profit endeavor,” comments Greg. “It takes a lot of time.” His work includes meeting with a family to learn about the deceased and the places special to them. Cremated remains are received (in person or by shipment,) and then Greg plans the flight and conducts the release.

Where and How are Cremated Remains Released?

Greg had the privilege to serve one Arizona family who loved the open desert and mountain trails. A plan and date was made for aerial release over their extensive private property. “While normal flight is at an altitude of least 2,000 feet, I was able to fly lower because it was private property. A gathering of fifty friends and family watched as the essence of their dear one was united forever, with the desert. Aerial releases are unique and individualized. What was her favorite view? Which canyon did he love to hike? “I’ve done releases of the mixed cremated remains of a husband and wife who died within a week of each other, and an owner and his cherished pet.”

[Source: Angel's Ashes]

Greg continued, “Airspace is free and cremated remains are sterile. A release doesn’t have to be witnessed. It’s a very simple process. My airplane’s cockpit has a custom-designed and fitted special panel, with a pipe that is connected to a secure valve. When the valve is open, the cremated remains are sucked out from their container. There is no blow-back-- which could happen if they were simply poured from an open window. As I 'trail' the release, a soft dispersal of the powder-like ashes occurs. If desired, I provide a family with a keepsake certificate."

Why the dash between Angel's-Ashes?

Meeting Greg reminded me of the expression, “still waters run deep.” He has a steady peace about him; the kind that comes from hard-won self awareness. I asked Greg what words have inspired and guided him and his response was immediate: “The book, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and the quote, “It's not what happens to you in life that matters; what matters is how you deal with it!” (this quote is attributed to author, Terry Riley.) Greg acknowledged, “Everyone meets forks in the road; what choice you make each time, is significant.” He continued,

“I’ve been around the world 30 times and never saw a hearse with a luggage rack.”

"The ‘dash’ in my company name signifies what each person does with their unique life--you only get one! How do you help and impact other people? You’re probably familiar with that famous eulogy poem by Linda Ellis, The Dash. Angel's-Ashes enables each sunset to become an ongoing memorial.”

Choices:  Life, Death, Eternity

[Author photo]

Aerial release isn’t for every family. Some want to visit a niche or grave. Some want to wear cremated remains in a locket or house a lovely urn at home. Many families picking up ashes from the funeral home, have shared plans for a scattering trip to cottage, home state, and favorite spots in between. Likewise, some cremated remains can be retained and the rest released. All the more reason to have those important conversations!  

To learn more about aerial release, visit www.angels-ashes.com or use search term: aerial release of cremated remains.

Thank you for caring!

Plaques and Pavers: Memorializing Love Beyond a Grave Marker

A bench plaque at a community park
 in Tucson, Arizona. Author image

The Growing Through Grief series

You've seen them and you may have walked on them:  memorial plaques and paver bricks are extremely popular tributes! Typically, their purchase is a contribution to the community or a nonprofit organization. Yes, many plaques and pavers can be celebratory, philanthropic, and even not of a memorial nature, but with greater frequency, sending funeral flowers is not an option.

For example, when a "viewing" (a funeral home visitation with the body in a casket) does not occur, there may or may not be an appropriate occasion for flowers. Charitable memorial designations are common, but the marriage of a memorial tribute with a lasting presence (beyond a cemetery grave marker) is comforting, practical, and often renders great benefit to others.

I recently met Jeanne when she was in Tucson to scatter her sister's ashes in the mountains. Her sister, Suzanne, had been a long time Tucsonian and member of the Sabino Canyon Volunteer Naturalists.

Suzanne contributed countless hours educating classroom groups about desert animals and ecology. Jeanne told me that Suzanne had lived other places, but loved the desert. During her illness, the family had arranged for Suzanne to be named on a plaque of Sabino Canyon supporters. It was a special day, shortly before her death, when Suzanne stood beside the tile which declares her work as "A Guide to Scenic Splendor."

The plaque honoring supporters. Author image



Suzanne's heart lives on in the desert. Author image

The Naturalist group also sponsors a memorial garden where rustic, inscribed stones bear the names of deceased volunteers (pictured below.) For many, having a place to visit and feel close to their departed loved one, is important--and it doesn't need to be a cemetery! In fact, there is comfort in knowing that a modest donation for the purchase of a plaque or paver, continued a mission or project that gave meaning to the loved one's life.  Jeanne and her family beamed with a peaceful joy in the presence of Suzanne's legacy.



How can you memorialize a loved one in a similar way?
If there is a charitable designation made, don't just stuff a check in an envelope. Call the organization and ask about their enduring opportunities. Consider exploring:

• the hospice that assisted the family; they may have a patio of inscribed pavers.
• a service organization that the family supports; they may have benches or furnishings that can be "named."
• a comment of caring once expressed by the deceased; "I love birds" could point to a memorial gift with the Audubon Society, or your local bird and wildlife conservation nonprofit may invite funding for fixtures in a local sancuary. Ask! 

Some view memorial plaques and pavers as a final gift.
The beauty of the gesture is that its legacy is shared by so many, for many years to come.

This may also be a way to mark an anniversary of death.
Don't feel that you have to immediately identify and arrange a plaque or paver. There is so much going on in the weeks and months after a death. Why not consider this for an anniversary year?

Thank you for caring! 

3 Adopted Bucket Lists: Do's and Don'ts

This spring, I read a story about a young woman who decided to finish her Grandma's bucket list. 

[Source]

Does this happen often? I wondered. Increasingly so! 

Embracing the bucket lists of others provides 'instant life purpose' and a unique form of tribute. Some orphaned bucket lists 'trend' on social media and are fulfilled many times over.

Death Over 55

Do your emotional reactions to news of a death, vary with the age of the deceased? I find that mine do. It is not a sliding scale of caring, but a human assumption at work: life is supposed to progress from infancy to old age.

Sifting through emotions is part of the process of writing condolence notes.  

In this second post of a 4-part series, I will:

Paint a generalized picture of an age group

Explore common reactions to death in that age group, and

Suggest the best condolence elements for notes to survivors.

PART 2: Condolence Writing for a Death Over Age 55

This age group (mine) is prime Baby Boomer territory.

Keeping Memories Alive

I always enjoy reading the Detroit News Homestyle column "Smart Solutions" written by interior decorator Jeanine Matlow, and this weekend's column bears further comment. Titled 'Sharing collectibles keeps memories alive'

Beloved collections

Matlow tells of the recent death of a beloved next-door-neighbor, who was known for his collection of decorative snails. From stuffed animals and wind-up toys to bronze and ceramic figures, this was a rare grouping! It also became a legacy, as his wise widow sent many of them home with appreciative friends.

Legacy Gifts

If you are the recipient of a legacy gift, this is an additional opportunity to fill a condolence note with deeply personal and appreciative elements.

Your content cues: 

• what memories does this item elicit
• what does the gift mean to you
• how will you use it.

Put your appreciation in a note (yes, even if it's your second note).

Share this post with a friend... and Thank you for caring!

How to Create a Lasting Tribute

Relaxing with the Sunday newspaper is a pleasure that gets me out of bed. With a large mug of coffee at hand, I rather quickly find myself browsing the death notices: anybody I know? And as a funeral home employee, what are other firms doing?

Detroit.MomsLikeMe.com

I was gratified (but surprised) to see that a column, spun off of a local parents' website, asked users: 

How do you remember loved ones you've lost?  

Responses included things like:

• baking cookies with grandmother's recipe
• wearing a piece of mother's jewelry
• feeling hugged by wearing brother's coat
• planting a memorial tree, and
• planting daisies over beloved dog's grave

Author image

I applaud all of these gestures for bringing comforting memories to the bereaved. In my book, I do link thoughtful gestures with condolence. Can we harvest any condolence ideas from the list? Let's try:

• If you know a friend's grandmother loved to bake, you could bring a home-baked item to her house with a note expressing the connection.
• If you remember your aunt wore unique jewelry, or always looked so fashionable, your note to a cousin can share such a memory.
• After noticing how special that coat has become to your co-worker, your note can share an observation about such a tribute. Perhaps you have cherished a hand-me-down garment, too.
• A memorial planting--anywhere--is a lovely gesture and well worth sharing in a condolence note.

I devote a chapter in the book to acknowledging pet loss, and will discuss that in an upcoming post. The point of this little exercise is to help you connect sympathy with action. Though you cannot change the reality of death, if you yearn to DO SOMETHING, there are many opportunities!

SHARE this post with a friend, and thank you for caring!