Grow Up! The Condolence Basics You Need Now. Part 1

Grow Up! 

How many times did you hear that before you were 25? Are you still hearing it in your 30's or 40's? If so, someone is trying to persuade you toward mature choices. "Grow up!" is a verbal face slap, taking you by the figurative shoulders for a shake and command: it's time to think of somebody other than yourself.  "But I do think of others!"  you protest. The Condolence Coach agrees and believes you are trying, but...

If you're stalled on the playground plateau of just playing nicely, mastering condolence skills will launch you off the swings and onto solid grown-up ground.

[Author photo]

This post reaches into the Condolence Note Coach archives to quickly deliver the basics you need now. Clicking on the post link will flesh out the concept, but if you need a 5 minute crash course, here it is.

1. Beyond 'I'm Sorry'  You can't change the circumstances facing your friend, co-worker, neighbor, cousin or client...but there is an additional way to communicate sympathy long after the loss:  a memorable condolence note.  


2. FAQ's  It is never too late to send a note. Never. The death remains a fact in your [friend or] co-worker's life and, in a year's time, the stream of sympathies has likely dried up. Your note will be a gift. Don't Rush Your Condolence Note  Waiting can enhance the note you will write…as you have opportunities to gather a little information, view photos, hear stories.

3. To Have Another Birthday is a Privilege  We are powerless over the loss and subsequent pain, but saying "I'm sorry" and applying a sincere hug or handshake is an act you DO have power over. You have the power to express that you care.

4. In A Better Place  It is never appropriate for you to offer a platitude such as "she's in a better place." But if the grieving express this to you, a lovely reply might be:  "I'm glad that is a comfort to you."

5. Death Doesn't Take a Holiday  Can sympathy be commingled with seasonal greetings during holidays and other special days? It can’t.  Should traditional messages be set aside? Yes.

6. Condolence After a Suicide  Survivors of suicide [family of the deceased] have great need of compassionate, non-judgmental words. Acknowledge a normal life, once lived: share a memory or tell a kind story.

7.  When Children Die
A good condolence acknowledges the pain and offers to listen. The note says that you are praying for comfort, but does not tell the recipient to. You pen a sweet memory and hope to hear some of theirs. Grow in awareness and sensitivity: do some reading about the grief experiences of parents.

8. When a Pet Dies  DO NOT ask when they will get another pet. Period. 

9. Supporting Grieving Teens  Journaling or writing poetry is one of the most widely suggested tools for teens to process grief. Consider a “condolence gift” of a blank book or journal. Write a question on the first page, like: "How did you feel when you heard the news?"

 10.  Supporting Someone with a Terminal Illness  Remember this: until you are dead, you are alive.  Recognize the life, the day-by-day simple moments of the person you write to. Embrace the opportunity to say thank you, to ask for a story, to appreciate a sunrise, a funny pet, a song.

So, did you notice that writing condolence is about supporting survivors? The Coach invites you to read The Mourners Bill of Rights   One of the grown-up skills you are adopting is COMPASSION. Living compassionately, daily, is a standout characteristic. You will be astonished by how it changes you!

Thank you for caring!

What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved

"Lola copes"  - Author photo

In a 2013 survey by the online magazine, Slate, 8,000 men, women and late teens grieving the loss of someone close, were asked about numerous factors related to their experience.  93% of survey respondents noted:

"interacting with others is generally awkward at best, and painful and isolating at worst." 

It's akin to feeling naked in public or, a teen angst I can relate to--being seen during a really bad acne outbreak. Grief can be so raw, painful, and unpredictable in when it will flare up feverishly. Trying to fulfill "normal" responsibilities and the expectations of others is draining to the point of sometimes feeling hopeless or unhinged.

In journals on bereavement, in support groups and online forums, the grieving are distressed by the push to get over it. Slate survey respondents commented:

• "They would get tired of my sad mood and need to talk about it, and say I was 'wallowing' or I should move on." 
• "People are very supportive for the first couple of weeks, but then they move on. … It makes you feel guilty to continue to mourn when others are tired of dealing with it."

No wonder it's a lonely road 

Author image

After a few encounters with friends, family, and co-workers' boredom, impatience, and jovial coaching, it feels safer to stay home, alone. Many people--but not all--find relief in peer support settings specific to their loss such as The Compassionate Friends, TAPS, for military families, or AfterGiving for grieving caregivers.

 In their analysis of the Slate survey findings, Dr. Leeat Granek, a critical health psychologist and grief researcher, and journalist/editor Meghan O'Rourke, returned to the medical branding of a grief journey that doesn't hurry up and press the Reset button on life:

"perhaps the most important finding in the data had to do with recovery from grief. Here, the answers suggested that loss takes longer to recover from than we typically imagine. More than one-quarter of our respondents reported that they never went back to feeling like themselves after their loss. Another quarter said they felt normal only "one to two years" after the loss."

Is grief a disease?

"This is of particular note since the fifth edition of the DSM (or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) [which was due for 2013 release]...may propose that a mourner can be diagnosed with "complicated, pathological, or prolonged" grief if he or she is still grieving intensely six months after a loss.  from "What is grief really like?"

Granek and O'Rourke highlighted an important human variable: "What our respondents suggested (which rang true for us) was that for many mourners, recovering from a death of a loved one can take a year or several years. For others, "recovery" may never happen at all."

Thankfully, this label was squashed by public and professional outcry, but the waters are still muddy, and doctors remain on alert for 'disease' in their assessments of grieving individuals. In his editorial for PsycheCentral.com, "How the DSM-5 Got Grief, Bereavement Right," Dr.Ronald Pies defended,

"Clinical judgment may warrant deferring the diagnosis [of major depressive disorder, MDD] for a few weeks, in order to see whether the bereaved patient “bounces back” or worsens. Some patients will improve spontaneously, while others will need only a brief period of supportive counseling — not medication."

Can we please stop pushing the bereaved? 

The Condolence Coach reminds readers:

'Heart Keys' acrylic on canvas
 Suzy St. John 

• It is not up to you to heal the grief.  But your note will be a balm and help in ways you may not know. There are documented health benefits to feeling cared about; a condolence note delivers comfort and often, hope, because it can be re-read in any hour of need. 
• Forget what you think you know about grief. There are many myths about grief and rather than give advice, your friend or co-worker just needs you to listen.
• It is never too late to write a condolence note. Last month, waiting for an oil change, I struck up a conversation with another customer and discovered she was related to a former employer. She informed me that one of his adult children had died the previous year. I found an address and sent him and his wife a note. There is a 'higher reason' this information reached you now. Use it!
• Anniversary notes are deeply appreciated. As I explained in my post When Little Birds Chirp, writing to the bereaved on the occasion of their loved one's birthday or death anniversary is not a painful reminder. 
• These principles apply to pet loss, too! Acknowledge the wonderful friendship but do not discuss a 'replacement pet'. 

    Thank you for caring!

Creative Condolence: Make a Card in 4 Steps

After my I Survey the Racks post about good retail sources for sympathy cards, a reader remarked, "You left out one card source:  make it yourself." And he was right!

I had made my own card this winter, after a neighbor's sudden death.

[Source]

Margaret's patio was home to a couple of fragrant rose bushes. Their vibrant color called out to passersby and if 'Peggy' happened to be out, the magnetic pull soon had every chair occupied.

After her simple funeral on a gray February day, I thought of those roses. The bushes had been gifts from children and whispered, "I love you, Mom," every time she saw them. They stood on sunny corners and received no pampering.

Farmington Community Library

Peg pampered no one-- those days retired when she hung up her apron after 40 years waitressing--many of which were at the old Botsford Inn.

I thought of the many visits I'd had with this strong, West Virginia born Hungarian. She had a quick, sharp laugh, and could skate from a glowing compliment to an "excuse my French" complaint. Ask her to tell you a story

Don't Rush Your Condolence Note.

The Condolence Coach highly recommends a period of digestion after the hubub of a funeral. My post Don't Rush Your Condolence explained how a little time helps you thresh the harvest of images, stories, eulogies, even service music into a memorable note to the family.

Making a card is a meditative process.

This may take you back to Art 101 because "found" imagery is such an easy way to make expressive collage art. During a college internship, I worked with incarcerated teens on a poetry writing project. I brought in stacks of magazines and the kids created simple but highly expressive posters with photo and text collages. 

Whether you are "going inside" or "letting the inside out," crafting on-the-fly is fun and personally satisfying. I believe it can be more liberating than kit-based crafting but it is up to the individual. In any event, making your own sympathy card is a meditative process to explore your own sense of loss. 

Thinking about those roses and Peg's welcoming patio, I remembered a stack of postcards I'd won in a raffle. They seemed to be a study of doors (a metaphorical image I love,) and each entry was bedecked with welcoming touches--especially flowers.

I chose the card with the brightest rose bush, and knew I was on the right track for a tribute to Peggy.

Scissors, colored paper, a glue stick... my card didn't require much. Card craft is a very popular hobby and a visit to a craft store will overwhelm you with methods for embellishment.  If you're adventurous--go for it!

My simple technique was to:

1. trim the postcard image
2. fold the sheet of paper in half
3. trim the paper, with my postcard as a size guide, allowing for a narrow border of paper to show around the image
4. placing the paper "cover" so that it would open at the bottom, I glued the image on the center of the paper.

Remember, it's ultimately about the note.

I suppose you’d have to call this Step 5, because once the card construction was completed, I drafted my note on plain paper. when satisfied, I rewrote my condolence on the inside card panel.  

• I spoke of Peg's welcoming patio
• her rose bushes and what they meant to her
• her quick laugh
• I stated how I will miss those impromptu visits
• I acknowledged her caregiving son's years of vigilance
• and noted how he inspired my family  

Are you inspired to make a card? 

Share this post with a friend--and get together for a card crafting hour! Thanks for caring!

Don't Rush Your Condolence Note

You're ready to hop in the car and go the wake or service but-- darn-- you haven't bought a card.

RELAX. DON'T RUSH YOUR CONDOLENCE NOTE.

[Source)

It is not necessary that you walk in with a card. I would even like to suggest that putting a little time between the funeral and writing your note can be very helpful for you-- and your grieving friend who is, at the moment, overwhelmed with details and caring people.

Sympathy Cards since the Roaring 20's

Did you know that "sympathy cards" used to be sent by the decedent's family? 

According to Hallmark archivist and historian Sharman Roberts, in the 19th century flat, engraved cards were sent as announcements of a person's death. Somber, edged in black, and often with an image of the deceased or their headstone, recipients would immediately know its purpose. 

Bathing suits at the Wasington bathing beach must not be over six inches above the knee
LC-USZ62-99824

Sympathy cards to the bereaved were first offered in the 1920’s

Yes, during those Roaring 20's when many Victorian traditions were shrugged off, Hallmark dipped a toe in the water to flip the script on the sympathy card. Today, friends of the bereaved want their sympathy cards to express comfort and hope, with sincerity not syrup. Off the rack (I prefer you use their e-cards for occasions other than sympathy,) Hallmark’s hundreds of styles range from general to specific.

• loss of a baby or miscarriage,
• military death,
• death of a mutual friend,
• loss of a spouse,
• sudden and unexpected death including death by accidents,
• loss of a family member, and
• in 1984, sympathy cards for pet loss, were added.

I think using a situation-specific card is fine 

But consider its inscription as your ‘opening lines.’ Then proceed to handwrite your own feelings and thoughts. I used to tell writers, “that’s what the blank left panel is for,” but many cards now contain text on both inner panels. Find a way to fit your message in the margins…enclose a sheet of paper…or find another card!

I like to encourage condolence note writers to relax about timing

You do not need to rush to write and send a note--because grief is like a winding river. Your message will be a gift whenever it arrives. 

At a 2012 conference of the Association for Death Education and Counseling® (ADEC), the oldest interdisciplinary organization in the field of bereavement, the dynamics of extended grief were discussed. When someone suffers a significant loss, their grief can last for months or even years after the loss. Hallmark offers cards with an encouraging tone for ongoing grief support. [Hallmark source]

Many people like to bring their card to the funeral home. If you can gather your thoughts and compose a caring, sensitive note in a short window of time, do so. Otherwise, remember that, even if you do not have the home (or business) address of the individual you wish to write to, you can mail the card to the funeral home, which will be happy to forward it.

To read more on the topic, see my post, Sympathy Cards, of 2/8/2014

Opening Lines: How to get started with a condolence note

Finding the opening lines of your condolence note takes time. 

And that's okay! Here are a few suggestions beyond "I'm very sorry for your loss..."

• If you bought a card, take a look at the cover art. Do you draw any associations from it? What made you select this card? For example, I bought a card with ginko biloba leaves; ginko is known as a nutritional supplement to aid memory. Memories are a key element in condolence.
• Does your card's printed sentiment trigger feelings you would like to express?
• An opening line can express a thought about having a sister/brother/mom or dad... perhaps you were "never lucky enough to have a sister."

Avoid feeling that you have a writing deadline; no matter when your condolence note arrives, it will be welcomed. Consider the act of holding the grieving person in your heart and mind as you seek inspiration, a caring meditation.

The right opening line will come, and you will be on your way to writing that memorable condolence note.

FAQs

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TALKING ABOUT DEATH can be difficult, awkward, even frightening. In western culture, we are so used to avoiding specifics and applying euphemisms that the mystique surrounding our shared conclusion (death!) continues.

During workshops, classes, and presentations, I always leave time for questions...

Q. I just found out that a former co-worker's dad died last year. Is it too late to send a note?
A. It is never too late to send a note. Never. The death remains a fact in your co-worker's life and, in a year's time, the stream of sympathies has likely dried up. Your note will be a gift.

Q. Won't my note stir up more pain?
A. Your note will arrive where the recipient is in their bereavement. We do not "make" someone feel one way or another, but a sensitive condolence note can be very comforting. In my book, I describe the Keys To Comfort-- tools for non-judgemental expression. All losses are not the same.

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Q. I sent flowers to the funeral home, with a message for the card; isn't that enough?
A. Is it? A flower card is the size of a business card, and frequently computer generated. Perhaps you have a memory of the deceased that could be shared in a handwritten note.

Thanks for caring! I welcome questions from my blog readers.