Stuck On You: After Death, Is it Devotion or Baggage?

The Growing Through Grief series

I am always seeing metaphors. 

When a mammoth pine topples in the forest, it retains its anchoring grip on elements of the environment. Rocks and soil pack the lattice of roots that now face skyward. It will take decades and decades of weather and rot before a letting-go.

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How long should grief take?

The Condolence Coach has skewered some psychological models that want a quick exit to mourning. In What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved I highlighted the heavy burden of expectation placed on a grieving person. It seems to me, in a world that celebrates the "individual," we must acknowledge "different strokes for different folks...even when it is socially awkward.

Wearing your late husband's flannel shirt or pursuing regular paranormally-channelled conversations with your dead child are choices. Unusual comforts in grief should not be judged more severely than the spectrum of comforts we each choose just to make it from sunrise to sunset: shopping, tattoos, exercise or extreme sports, alcohol, drugs...

Devotion or baggage?

Devotion delivers comfort but I would suggest that baggage delivers stress. If an ongoing bond with a deceased person engenders feelings of gratitude, warmth or inspiration--human growth and awareness of our interconnectedness are nurtured. 

If an ongoing bond with a deceased person engenders feelings of powerlessness, obsession, guilt, anxiety, or the burden of unfinished business--harm is inflicted and human growth is stymied. This grieving person is stuck.

Helping someone get unstuck

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As you observe how the lanes of positive or negative seem to flow, remember that giving advice is tricky. In fact, the Condolence Coach wants you to avoid giving advice and instead, ask for advice! In essence, you are asking the stuck person to tap into their own inner wisdom.

This nugget from the writers of Highexistence.com point out:

"Once we stop taking guidance from all of those outside sources who tell us what we should do, we are free to explore what we want to do, what we’re meant to do, and what we’re truly capable of."

 An important component of your help is to stay in the present: focusing on the present circumstances and emotions of someone who seems "stuck."

• How are you today? 
• What are you doing to care for yourself, today?
• How did thinking about [person/stuck situation/behavior] make you feel?
• Is there another way to consider that [stuck situation] so it feels better?
• If I was feeling the way you are now, what would you tell me to help me move forward? 

If you're the one who is stuck

Michelle Maros, Creative Director of  Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life, describes 5 Gentle Reminders for When You're Feeling Stuck. She reminds us that this time in life has a purpose, but to find it and move forward requires some reflection:

"Often times when we are feeling stuck, it’s a sign that there’s an action we could be taking (or that our soul is begging us to take), but for some reason we just aren’t. Usually it’s because we are afraid. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel fearful, but it’s important to recognize that this fear is what is bringing you this feeling of “stuckness.” If this resonates with you, ask yourself what small, gentle action you can take to move yourself forward."

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"Small, gentle action" is a beautiful way to proceed. In the grieving process, you--or a person you are helping, could make a once-daily choice from a checklist such as this:

• Sort belongings of the deceased into groups:  donations, legacy gifts to friends and family, discards, returns to lenders or businesses (such as medical supplies), and even a group for shredding-destroying old records or extremely private, confidential material (use caution before an estate is settled--consult an accountant or attorney.)
• Take action on one item or one group described above:  start with an item that will warm your heart or the heart of the recipient.
• Do one experience or action that you "used to" enjoy:  jot a poem your journal; sit down at your piano; walk in a park, museum or gallery; pick wild raspberries; go out for coffee or an ice cream cone; get a massage, facial or manicure.
• Do one experience or action that satisfies a dream:  rent an RV and go somewhere; refresh an area of your home; adopt a shelter dog or cat...or learn how to volunteer at the shelter!

 As Michelle points out, you may, at first, feel that your "efforts aren't working," but she encourages that positive outcomes--even 'magic' are the result of patience and positive action.

Thank you for caring!

Unusual Comforts in Grief: keep your opinions to yourself

Unusual comforts in grief take on many forms

• Widows wear their husband's clothing
• a daughter commences a daily diet of jumbo sized DQ ice cream Blizzards
• some mourners report an increase in sexual desire and activity
• And then there are the quiet legions who attempt to contact the dead via psychics, mediums, and ghost hunters.

20% of respondents in a Slate survey of 8,000 grieving men, women and late teens, reported an experience of seeing their loved one "alive." That is a pretty big number, don't you think? I consider it unfortunate that, as the Slate survey analysis reports, "many health care professionals consider it a symptom of mental disorder."

Why wouldn't a grieving person seek the comfort of the deceased loved one? 93% of survey respondents noted "interacting with others is generally awkward at best, and painful and isolating at worst." 

Common reasons for paranormal contact

• Wanting the blessing, guidance, or instruction of the deceased for decisions being made 
• Wanting forgiveness or to deal with unresolved issues 
• Wanting answers to sudden, unexplained deaths such as murder or suicide 
• Wanting to communicate if you couldn't get to their deathbed for a goodbye visit 
• Wanting confirmation that there is an afterlife
• Wanting to know the loved one "is okay"
• Wanting to provide an opportunity for the deceased to express themselves

Catherine had gone to psychics before the death of her son, Mark. "I think most of them are phony" she shared. "You can tell when someone is tuned in, or just watching your face and body language for hints." 

Mark's death was unexpected. He was well liked from coast to coast, making friends wherever the Marines and subsequent pursuits took him. 

"Picking out an urn, my other kids tried to steer me to something else, but I was drawn to a lovely blue style engraved with butterflies," Catherine explained and then chuckled. "I wasn't too shocked when one psychic relayed 'Mom, hang my dogtogs on that girly urn!'"

She described attending a packed theater in Detroit, where a well known psychic sat onstage channeling messages from deceased relatives. The rapt, yearning audience members lit up when they recognized expressions, references, and events. "If they come through, the things they state are real; you immediately recognize how your family member spoke--sometimes in colorful language! I feel like he's standing there talking to me."

Immeasurable comfort

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The expression, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," presumes a happy reunion. One of the hardest aspects of grief is the sometimes-slow realization that there will never be another conversation, hug, moment shared. Catherine finds not only comfort but counsel through successful psychic encounters.

  

"It helps me to know that he is alive in the afterlife. He's not here on earth but he is someplace. And wherever that is, whatever comes after--he's well."

Catherine shared that her son stated many times that he didn't want his mom to die before him. Though they did not live close to each other, Mark drew great strength from his mother's unconditional love; his contact tries to return some strength. "He's helping me get through the grieving; he wanted me to not hurt. 

Mark told me:  'You don't need to move on but you need to move forward.' 

"That's my Marine son, talking," Catherine laughed. "I want to definitely stay in touch, but I tell him:  I'M GONNA BE OKAY."

Non-believers

Catherine admits and accepts that not everyone believes in psychics and mediums contacting the dead. "The majority of people around me, believe me. Some don't; one family member told me: 'you're all crazy,'"

The Condolence Coach explored this topic without bias or personal experience. In response to human longing and pain, the internet is full of do-it-yourself-advice, testimonies, forums and ads. No good can come of judging another person's grief journey, but good can come from supportiveness. Consider these thoughts in conversation or a note:

• "It's hard for me to grasp but I can see it makes you feel better."
• "Tell me more about it."
• "Goodbyes are very hard, but this seems to help you hold him in your heart."
• "It's nice to remember that I can talk to someone I love."

Thank you for caring!