Surprise: I Thought I Was Past Grieving

Surprise: I thought I was past grieving

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There are some sounds, objects, places, dates and and times that trigger a melancholy moment or two. Surprise. He played soothing piano. She was an avid reader. We hiked in that canyon, got together for cards, ate tacos at that bar, watched that show on Saturday afternoon... and it has now been two or four or seven or fifteen years since their death but... your heart twists a little in those moments. Is it grief? Is it just enduring love? Is it okay?

It is all of the above.

I too, questioned---and even chastised---myself that:

• I rushed my grief work and now it was bubbling up because I hadn't "finished."
• I didn't know what grief really was.
• I didn't feel this kind of out-of-the-blue sadness after my grandparents passed; what was wrong with me?
• Maybe all the healthcare decisions (like starting hospice) weren't the right ones, and now I'll never find peace.

Maybe this, maybe that. Stop. 

Here are some facts about grief.

1. It is okay to move forward in life. 

Readers may remember my posts Grief Recovery: Grinding Up The Old Road, Paving The New and Be Brave With Your Life. Life is going to unfold--CHANGE--no matter what.  Maybe we learn how to adjust to little changes like a new class, a new healthcare routine, a new neighbor---as a form of training for the big stuff.  It is very important to give yourself a big hug every time a you take a brave step forward or find yourself in a brave "looking back" moment. 

        2.  Remember to stir some GRATITUDE into the deluge of feelings. 

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When I first put on a CD of piano music, which sent me into a panicked moment of grief, a person close to me scolded "don't do that!" But perhaps rather than fearing grief triggers by avoidance, it is helpful
to go ahead and feel it. Be honest in that moment and add a 'thank you' for the love behind the feeling. Another strategy is to ask a trusted individual to be with you for your early experiences of returning to an "old" activity.

Let me interject that, if your loss has resulted in a post-traumatic stress disorder for which you are following a care plan of treatment, please adhere to your plan. Healing and feeling secure are within your reach when you surround yourself with unconditionally loving support. At times, professional support is essential.

    

       3.    Do not judge yourself.

I cited just a few self-judging thoughts, above, and want to simply say: let it be! Judging, blame, regret are high on the list of thoughts that have low-to-no value... except that they guarantee an expansion of misery. Self acceptance, self love are as important as they are challenging, but try. Counter each self-blaming remark with a self-love statement. I frequently sign off condolence notes with 'be gentle with yourself' which is a nice way of saying LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK!

       4.    You are always growing.

I believe all of our circumstances are useful for our personal growth. Most world religions and spiritual teachings, including A Course In Miracles, recognize that a life path has stages of expansion and contraction, gain and loss, relinquishment and the discovery of new gifts. I have had dramatic shifts in circumstances where I simply had to trust in the discovery of new opportunities, gifts. They always show up. Patience, deep listening, visualization and supportive friends are useful. It is human to experience those unsettling moments of despair or frustration. Impulsive actions may look attractive simply because something is happening, but take a breath.  Action in response to a strong inner prompt for forward motion isn't bad: it is a fuel mix of hope and self-care, but that doesn't mean you should stomp on the accelerator. How about a relaxed survey of options, like a dress rehearsal?

When I sought a change of residence after being widowed, I wasn't certain where I wanted to move so I made a wish list. It included being closer to the friends and activities I enjoyed. So I got in my car and drove an hour+ to the communities that fit; I discovered that some places I thought would work were not ideal for impromptu coffee get togethers; I took another look at my wish list and refined what I needed to meet those goals. This dress rehearsal prevented me from an impulsive, poorly devised housing decision. Listen to your gut but use your head: spend time with your wish list and consider the pros and cons of those options. I believe you will know the difference between 😝IMPULSE and INSPIRATION 😇.

        5.    Griefbursts and time.

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I like to bake muffins and always set the kitchen timer. I set alarms reminders so I'm not late for Zoom meetings, and give myself plenty of travel time to arrive early for my volunteer work. But readers of this blog know that I constantly advise:  DON'T PUSH A GRIEVING PERSON!  Dr. Alan D.Wolfelt's The Mourner's Bill of Rights emphasizes individuality. It also refers to experiencing "griefbursts." Think of a time when you got caught in a rain shower:  it wasn't in the forecast and you didn't bring a jacket or umbrella but here it is, so you get wet but you'll wait ten minutes, and it will pass. Be patient with a griefburst. Recognize it as an aspect of having treasured memories and, as you know, memories can last a lifetime! I am making a new vow to receive surprise moments of grief with gratitude and love. 

Thank you for sharing and caring!

In the Bewilds: Trekking Grief's Wilderness

The Growing Through Grief series

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Let me be clear: this is a trek with all the challenges of a Himalayan expedition: low oxygen, sapping exertion, sudden storms, and shivering alone in your tent. This wilderness of experience and eviscerating emotion--what I've dubbed the Bewilds, is both an uncontrolled ride down rapids and a process of choices. Open to it all, I find myself awed by the day's catalogue of wonders: a caring email, phone message, or invitation, a kindred soul walking her dog, another pair of hands for an unfamiliar task.

In so-named books, Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD refers to 'the wilderness of grief' as life changing. Francis Weller, MFT suggests 'the wild edge of sorrow' is an invitation to sacred ground. Just as I approached my husband's dying as a sacred journey, I am committed to trying to grieve with a higher consciousness, a patient awareness.

The formidable and even frightening solo trek becomes a mindful mile if I pause to pull essentials from my pack. Surprising reliefs are found in deep and easy breaths, the reviving self care of rations, rest, and light reading. Like an LED flashlight, a companion's visit brings calming clarity; and the littlest accomplishment soothes weariness as if pulling on soft socks. 

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In Grieving,The Sacred Art, Hope in the Land of Loss, Lisa Irish notes,

 "Loss can be mourned even as positive changes become evident."  

Numerous philosophers have explored the hair's width of space between endings and beginnings. So, trekking the Bewilds is not without tears ... or anticipation. 

Hoping to feel 'like your old self' is like reaching for your comfort food. I inwardly cringed when a 5-year widow admitted to still having painful, tearful moments. My peers help me to grasp that grieving is not like post surgical rehab. We have been 'transformed' and live a 'new normal.'

This post is simply a moment in my trek into my new normal. I know that I will continue to change and grow-- and even backup, when necessary. Every griever is a solo trekker and should be respected as such. 

The Condolence Coach continues to suggest that before giving practical advice or spiritual direction to a person in mourning, you ask them if they want it. You could say things like: This may not apply to you, but when I was grieving my dad...  or You'll know when you feel ready to... or I'm glad I have a special spot to go say hello... 

Thank you for caring!

Nan Zastrow's 8 Steps to Tame the Holiday Blues

This article appeared in the November 2015 issue of one of my favorite grief support publications, GRIEF DIGEST MAGAZINE published by the dedicated people of Centering Corporation. Their motto:  "We give you support. We give you information. We give you hope." is a doorway to innumerable resources and sensitive support. I love that they even have gifts for grieving individuals: Because We Care- Care Packages. Need Spanish language grief resources? Centering Corporation is there for you and even carries a lovely sympathy card in Spanish.

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A lot of people find the holiday season challenging. Traditions, extra gatherings and the expectations of

• shopping and gift-giving, 
• hospitality in a tidy, festive home, and
• hours of baking and cooking

...are a recipe for incredible pressure. Oh-- and if you are grieving, multiply that by one thousand. Nan Zastrow has been through it, and shares her strategies.

Taming the Holiday Blues   

 an essay by Nan Zastrow  

What can I do to help me through holiday blues during my difficult time?

Trust that the holiday blues are normal and they will pass. There isn't any single recipe that works for everyone and probably none that will cure the blues completely. But here are some ideas for taming the holiday blues that I've used in the past years to help my family and me.

Taming the "blues" #1: Cancel your expectations; traditions change. The pressure to be "happy" and "merry" over the holidays sometimes creates deeper sadness and loneliness. There are so many expectations to live up to--everyone's expectations but our own! Accept that it is difficult for family and friends to understand what and how you are feeling during this time. In most cases, it's not intentional. They want us to be happy like they are, and they think they are doing us a favor by enticing us to join in the merriment. It may be necessary to "ask for understanding and support."

Recognize that all family relationships change over time and so do traditions. So update your current situation to modify the traditions that will work for you. Your family and friends will also modify their holiday traditions at some time--and not necessarily because of the death of a loved one. You will see that as children grow and go off to college or get married, as parents and spouses die, family celebrations for most families change also. While this death in your life is the immediate source of your emptiness and grief, soothe your pain by accepting that changes are inevitable for many reasons.

Taming the "blues" #2:  Communicate, but stand your ground. You know you are feeling anxious about the pending holidays. You know what your fears are and what your potential problems will be. The rest of your family and friends don't know what you are thinking or feeling. If you clue them into your fears, they may try to understand the reason for your actions and decisions and it will be easier for them to accept. However, it's important to stand your ground. Sometimes, your family and friends will try to coerce you into doing something you aren't able to handle. If you feel very firmly that this wouldn't be good for you this year, simply say, "I'm sorry. Not this time (this year), but ask me again sometime."

Taming the "blues" #3:  Be socially flexible and escape. Don't make plans for social events and dinners too far in advance. But keep the option open to participate. Sometimes it's easier to say, "I'm not going to go to the church recital or to Grandma's for Christmas dinner," because you believe that it would be better to just be alone, but this isn't always true. Feel free to tell people that you are taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one event at a time. Most family and friends will respect your need to reserve a last-minute decision. Also, build in an escape. Drive your own car so when you are ready to leave, you can leave. Notify your host prior to coming, that you aren't certain how long you will stay. Prepare an excuse if you feel you need one to allow you to leave with no questions asked.

If you feel you really want to hold a social event in your own home over the holidays but aren't sure if you can "handle it," set limits. Invite guests, but give them a beginning and ending time such as 7:00-9:00 p.m. Ask someone you know well to be the "lead exiter" when it's time for company to leave. This will give others the hint that it's time to go, and it also gives them permission to leave without offending you.

Pre-planning 

This makes the event bearable because you can control whether you go and when you leave. There's no need to skip all of the holiday social events, but I can certainly attest to the fact that often emotions can get in the way. Remember, it's okay to be social; it's okay to laugh and have fun.

Taming the "blues" #4:  Decorate your heart first. If your heart tells you that decorating would be nice and would soothe the painful thoughts of the holidays, by all means decorate to your heart's content. If decorations and the thought of them scare you, don't put out any more decorations than your emotions will tolerate. In other words, do only what makes you feel good.

If a nativity instills the real meaning of Christmas, put it up. If a tree with keepsake ornaments is painful, forget the tree this year. I tortured myself the first year, but I felt I was making a sacrifice for my family. My daughter and Chad had received a keepsake ornament every year that was theme based. Jalane wanted to put the "kids" tree up; Gary thought it might be good for me. I did it, in private, and cried through every keepsake ornament I hung. Once the tree was decorated--a few days later--it was a source of loving memories.

I didn't hang stockings. I didn't send holiday cards. I didn't attend the usual church and social events. I didn't bake cookies. I struggled with buying simple gifts. I didn't watch the favorite holiday videos. I didn't put out my Santa collection, but I did add to my angel collection. These were some of my limitations and my sources of comfort.

Taming the "blues" #5:  Seek support, not sympathy. Rethink your attitudes about the holiday season and be honest with yourself. Are you rebelling because you are feeling sorry for yourself? Or are you truly feeling helpless, blue and a need for quiet, private time to sort out your thoughts? Or do you need someone to talk to, give you a hug or spend some time with you?

Sympathy will come automatically. How could anyone who cares about you not sympathize with the loss you are feeling? I don't believe for a moment that a loving human being can deny the evidence of pain and deliberately withhold comfort. Disarm your feeling of helplessness and use the feeling of sympathy to gain control. Ask for support. This is something everyone can relate to and rally around. People want to help, so tell them what they can do to help you.

If your blues are part of multiple past losses, and you are feeling the magnitude of loss, recognize that when you grieve wholly, you will be able to experience good feelings when you reminisce. You may feel a twinge of sadness, but the deep pain will recede.

Coping with and enjoying the holidays doesn't mean that you don't miss the person who was a special part of your life. Nor does it mean that you don't miss times the way they used to be. It means that you will continue to live after this difficult change. And you will honor the memory of your loved one in new ways.

Surround yourself with people who understand that the holidays may increase your grief and you need their loving support that honors your feelings and helps you express your grief as needed.

Taming the "blues" #6:  Forget words; find ritual. This is a lesson we learned repeatedly from Dr. Alan Wolfelt. Rituals can emphasize loving memories and give expression to feelings far beyond our vocabularies. As an individual or as a family, find a ritual that demonstrates your heartfelt feelings and do it! Memories are your keepsakes; treasure them. Take some time during the holidays to talk about good memories, share pictures, light a candle, place a wreath, contribute to a charity, or anything else that makes you think of your loved one.

Taming the "blues"#7:  Seek treasures of the soul. Going forward into the New Year is often difficult, but it can also be a time for cleansing and rejuvenation. Spend some time thinking about the experience you have been going through. What does it mean in your present and future life? Think about purpose and assess yourself as an individual. How can you help others through difficult times? Think about the positive things in your life and how you can use them to help you cope. Find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new meaning for existence.

Taming the "blues" #8:  When the giving hurts, keep on giving. We are nurtured to believe that when something hurts, it's time to pull back, quit or change what we are doing. Not a holiday has passed since Chad's death in 1993 that hasn't caused me to hurt in some way. So Gary and I decided if it hurts anyhow, we may as well "give" until it hurts a little more.

Each year, we host a "When the Holidays Hurt" workshop for the community, and in our hearts we feel the newness of the pain everyone in our workshop feels. We've walked in their shoes. But it's our way to give of ourselves and remind them that life goes on--and we need to catch up or it will pass us by. We also give to charities, but the most upsetting of these was a program we participated in that purchases gifts for unfortunate children and food to fill the family's refrigerator. Along with Santa, we delivered these gifts to the door and saw the beautiful smiles and laughter of children whom Santa wouldn't have visited any other way. We also felt the thankfulness of parents who were grateful for blessings. It was a beautiful "hurt" and it felt so good to give.

Giving of self to others is by far the best antidote for holiday blues. 

Source: Nexu4.deviantart.com

When you wipe away the tears, clear the frog in your throat and calm the racing of your heart, you know what love and true joy are all about. There is no louder message that speaks of infinite peace on earth, goodwill to men.

 I know that Chad and my departed family will be looking down on us--missing the good times we had together--but giving us the grandest "atta boy" of them all.
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Published in the Wings magazine, Vol. X, No.4, 2003. This piece was taken from Grief Digest Magazine, Oct. 2005. For a full copy of the article email: centeringcorp@aol.com.

Do you know someone who might find this post helpful? Please pass it on!

Read another Condolence Coach post about the holidays:
Condolence During the Holidays

Thank you for caring!

Brushing up on 'The Mourner's Bill of Rights'

Dear Readers,

I recently received mail from Chaplain Diane of the hospital where I volunteer as a Compassionate Companion. I wrote about hospice vigiling in my post, Silent Night, Holy Night: Sacred Dying is another reason to write condolence. Along with the flyer for a day of reflection--with a keynote discussion on "The Faces of God," was a business card size enclosure that intrigued me.

Titled, THE MOURNER'S BILL OF RIGHTS, it was the work of Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. Dr. Wolfelt is a passionate advocate for gentleness toward the bereaved. I have taken to heart many of his insights and proddings which appear occasionally in funeral industry journals. He asked funeral staff to cease referring to clients as 'the decedent', 'the body' or 'the remains.' Use the person's name--Mr. Jones or Ms. Clark, and certainly remember that the person in your care is "a loved one."

Dr. Wolfelt suggests that mourners have rights, and while they may be upheld largely by self-care, let us all consider these points as reminders for sensitive and non-judgemental caring.

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THE MOURNER'S BILL OF RIGHTS

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

This card might be useful as a simple gesture of support to a friend. It is available through http://www.centerforloss.com/.

Thank you for caring!