The Covid-19 Condolence Note

Begin at the beginning

Every death and every grief is a tough ration of reality. Normalcy is suspended. Extra duties pile on and most have unique challenges; still, survivors move forward. They find comfort and support in the strata of life relationships and, with time and revision, 'normal' bears resemblance to the well known.

If there is one topic all of humanity agrees on, it is that the Covid-19 pandemic has assaulted the concept of 'normal.' All patterns-- how we tend the sick, vigil the dying, gather to mourn and weave our memories into shared legacy--are torn. We are left to begin at the beginning. 

Celebrating a person's life should never be about the cause of their death.

You may feel the pandemic has taken much from you--casual freedoms, livelihood, leisure enjoyments; DO NOT let it take your memories of this wonderful person!

Beyond the Top 5 Keys for a Great Condolence Note

Now, more than ever, you need to step up with written condolence. Final embraces, funeral hugs and food-filled wakes have been put on hold (many irretrievable!) Since you may not be able to reach out with arms, reach out with words! Giving survivors something to hold and spend time with not only fills in gaps, but provides a lifeline of hope.

Years ago, I designed a bookmark to promote my eBook, but I wanted it to be useful beyond marking your place. I reviewed my writings and distilled the reams of Condolence Coaching to this:

Notice the suggestion that you only need 2 or 3 Keys for your note. Easy, right? It's a good start. And while we absolutely want to deliver good memories, acknowledging the difficult circumstances which likely surrounded loved ones' proximity to the care and death, can be done gently.

Phrasing Special Sympathies for the Hardships of Today

Author image

In addition to selecting one of the Top 5 Keys for your condolence, give your note a sensitivity boost if one of these circumstances occurred:

• If survivor(s) were not able to to be at the dying person's bedside:
• "Trust that the love you have long-shared, surrounded ____ when you could not be at his/her bedside."
• If funeral arrangements were hasty, severely abbreviated, or a gathering was delayed to a future "safer" date:
• "Although we couldn't gather as hoped, my heart and thoughts were with you."
• "Although we couldn't gather right away, I look forward to being with you someday soon."
• Acknowledging the lack of hugs, etc. when they are most acutely needed:
• "When I heard the news, I just wanted to give you a big hug. Please know that within these words is a "raincheck" for that hug!"

Remember that, if you do not have a mailing address for the family, you can always send your card or note c/o the funeral home or mortuary that handled the final disposition. Just write "Please forward" on the envelope.

Read about Virtual Funerals, here!

Thank you for caring!

Eckhart Tolle and why teachers repeat wisdom

At the start of his big retreat events, spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle shares "if you came today expecting to hear a new concept that will turn the key that puts it all together for you, you will be disappointed or bored. I will not tell you anything new but rather, only what you already know, inside."

There are many teachers who have one basic teaching and, though their books can fill a shelf, the lesson repeats.

With close to 10 years of posts, the Condolence Coach realizes readers may consider me quite repetitive. You may remember the epigraph in my book, Words for When there are No Words: Writing a Memorable Condolence Note,  "There is nothing sweeter than to be sympathized with"  (George Santayana). This is why I have one core teaching: 

Expressions of condolence matter.

So let's run through my key condolence wisdom teachings. When you hear of a death-- be it a loved one, a pet, an admired acquaintance or professional contact, stopping to care and express simple kindness such as: "I'm very sorry to hear that," softens life's hard edges.

(Author image)

Eckhart Tolle speaks of our inner wisdom, and the Condolence Coach believes that you can train your inner compass so that sensitive sympathetic contact occurs with ease.
Take a moment to review the following list of 12 simple concepts. Copy it to your notes app or your Cloud, and assimilate it -- when you walk this wisdom, you rock this wisdom!

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

1. Listen.
2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult.
3. A gentle hug, shoulder touch, may have more value than words.
4. We all die, but there is no "easier age" to grieve; this includes a miscarried child.
5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.
6. Learn and use a name.
7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence.
8. Ask a survivor for one of their favorite memories.
9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note.
10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.
11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices.
12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, and easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring!

Writing Condolence to Clergy

My husband and I know a lot of clergy and, just like the rest of us, they experience deaths in their family. We sympathize with their losses and have even traveled out of state for funerals. Contemplating a condolence note however, elicits a pause in the best of letter writers.

It is natural to feel hesitant or even intimidated, thinking:

• They're an expert on counsel and comfort
• What can I say that they don't already know
• They have a deeper wisdom and inner strength
• What if I say something that doesn't fit with their doctrine of beliefs
• I am not a member of their church
• I do not follow or practice their religion
• Maybe my note would be an invasion of privacy
• I didn't know their family

Mt. Hope 
Congregational Church

The Condolence Coach posed these hesitations to Rev. Dr. Steven B. Schafer, pastor of Mt. Hope Congregational Church in Livonia, Michigan. Rev. Schafer is the author of Funerals for Strangers, A Resource of Compassionate Care for Those Who Grieve. He has officiated at hundreds of funerals for families who do not have a church affiliation, but still want a prayerful and spiritually uplifting service for their loved one. Rev. Schafer meets with each family, attentively gathering a rich profile of the deceased's life in order to craft a heartwarming eulogy.  

Rev. Schafer cautioned that he "can't speak for all clergy," but I think his remarks will deepen your commitment to condolence writing.

We hesitate to write to clergy because...

1. You're an expert on counsel and comfort; what can I say that you don't already know?

Rev. Schafer: You can't say anything they don't already know, but that is true for everyone we might want to express sympathy to. We all know the "pat answers." 

2. You have a deeper wisdom and inner strength.

Rev. Schafer: Pastors are just as human as anyone else and feelings run just as deep. Yes, the inner strength may be a bit deeper, yet when grief comes, that often fades away and we are as vulnerable as anyone else. We've learned to put a distance between ourselves and the deaths we face in our congregations simply because that is expected and called for. When we lose someone we love, though, we hurt as deeply as anyone else. We cannot put those emotions on hold, nor should we.

3. What if I say something that doesn't fit with your doctrine of beliefs?

Rev. Schafer: Don't worry about our doctrine in times of crisis. We've had people hold differing positions from our own all our professional lives and unless it is heresy we just let it go in times like this. 
Don't say: "At least he's in a better place." Theologically a minister may not believe that to be the case and we don't want to discuss that with sympathizers. Unless the deceased is a person of faith, you'll never hear a minister using that phrase. 
Don't say: "It was God's will." Yes, we believe God is sovereign but that isn't the same as God's will always being done. We've seen God's will thwarted often in our lives and ministries. 
Say something like: "I'm so glad his suffering is over," or "It must have been so hard these past few months, watching him struggle," or "It must be difficult to imagine life without him now." These express empathy without stepping into theology.

4. I am not a member of your church.

Rev. Schafer:  Not a member of my church? Wonderful! I need an "outsider" to minister to me. My own flock are the people I minister to - even when I am, myself, in grief. If someone else loves me enough to express sympathy they are ALWAYS welcome.

5.  I do not follow or practice your religion.

Rev. Schafer: Different religion? Again, I appreciate having an "outsider" care about my feelings and situation. Don't pretend you know all that I believe. Just be there. Say you are sorry for my loss. Give me a hug. 

6.  Would my note be an invasion of privacy?

Rev. Schafer: A written note is NEVER an invasion of privacy - unless you expect a reply.

The Condolence Coach:  Rev. Schafer has a quick wit, but there is truth in what he says. A condolence note is not an 'exchange.' Your note is a gift that requires no thank-you from the bereaved.    

7.  I didn't know your family member.

The Condolence Coach:  That is never an excuse from writing. See my suggestions in the steps listed below.

5 steps for your note to grieving clergy 

1. Use simple stationery or a card with a simple design. If there is a printed message on a card, it should be brief and kind but not syrupy.
2. Find out and use the name of the deceased: it's okay to ask the person you are writing to, "what is your mother's name?" Your goal to recognize the humanity of clergy can be achieved by commenting on the relationship (mother, father, sibling, grandparent...) and sharing a parallel experience if you have had that loss.
3. In addition to the sentiments suggested by Rev. Schafer, the Condolence Coach offers Keys To Comfort expressions such as: "I hope you are having a chance to share stories and memories with others in the family," and "many people are probably thinking about ______, and how she touched their lives."  
4. Your note can improve its ranking as 'memorable' by using these Keys to Comfort: Sharing a personal memory and/or Appreciation for survivor's (the clergy you are addressing) personal qualities.  
5. Don't over-think it, but a simple closing should mirror your familiarity with the clergy person: 'Sincerely' or 'Take Care' is always appropriate. Writing to your own minister or church staff invites deeper feeling such as 'Keeping you in my prayers,' or 'May God bless and comfort you.'

Share this post with a friend and your favorite social media. Thanks for caring!

IOU for a Hug

I SEE A LOT OF HUGS from day to day at the funeral home. Social barriers seem to dissolve in the face of grief.  Buddies, neighbors, co-workers lean in for a quick clasp or pat, expressing what words can’t:  I’m sorry for your loss! In Martha Stewart-ese, “It’s a good thing!”

But awhile back I read a blog that made me ponder my own hug health. I’m so vigilant about daily intake of green leafy veggies, protein, and vitamin D, yet I discovered a deficiency in my Hug Life! Even my doxies, Joey and Chloe, had the good thing going on. I spoke to my husband about it and he promised to help me better achieve my RDA (recommended daily allowance.)

ChiLiving co-creator and blogger, Kathryn Dreyer, moved me deeply in her post,  How To Give A Hug. She wrote:

"this is not about a polite, social hug. This is about giving a hug that sends a clear message of caring." 

You know the difference; you know that feeling of essential life energy (chi) when two people connect with a true hug. It is a very special experience. This is the nature of a "true" condolence, too.

So, how can you put a true hug into your condolence note? Figuratively, writing your note with a few Keys To Comfort (see my previous post) will share your "chi" of caring.

If you are unable to visit the bereaved person during the services, your "Literal" option is to enclose an IOU For A Hug.  Go ahead, cut out a magazine photo, a square of bright paper, or an old sweet photo and, with a Sharpie or highlighter write:  IOU for a HUG!

CARING:  It really is the essential secret strategy to writing a memorable condolence note.





Boston Marathon Crisis and Why I Write Condolence Notes

To have another birthday is a privilege.

[Source]

Blogging can be a quiet activity. Statistics can be small. It can be tempting to say, "Why bother? Nobody's listening" and take a few weeks or months off of posting.

[Bonn Marathon; Source]

But with the senseless crisis in Boston last week (I'm a recreational runner,) my commitment to sensitizing the world must step up to the line.

Let's review the most important precept of condolence:

We are powerless over the loss and subsequent pain, but saying "I'm sorry" and applying a sincere hug or handshake is an act you DO have power over.

You have the power to express that you care.

Share this thought with a friend, and thank you for caring!

Need A Hug?

Matt Artz, unsplash.com

A point that comes up several times in my book, is that we are powerless to fix grief. It can be hard to watch the suffering; there are no magic phrases to be offered. But I can assure you that, over and over, I have been told--and I have observed in my work at the funeral home,that offering a hug and offering to listen are deeply appreciated!

When I began planning the concept and content of Words for when there are No Words, Writing A Memorable Condolence Note, I remembered a simple ink drawing that I had made during my college years. The original art is in a 4 x 6 inch sketch book.

Author's sketch

The androgynous character sits hugging a pillow; I like the simplicity and flowing lines. It's an effective logo because it delivers the message:  Care enough to comfort and, A condolence note can be like a hug.

What do you think?