Irving Berlin and his Rx to Stop Stress

 Irving Berlin is considered one of the greatest songwriters of the 20th century, with at least 1,500 songs to his credit.

Composer, Irving Berlin
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He had a flair for a tune and penned lyrics which hit the heart’s bullseye, again and again. In the early 1950’s, he wrote "Count Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)" and, enclosing it in a letter to a studio executive, Berlin confessed: 

‘As I say in the lyrics, sometime ago, after the worst kind of a sleepless night, my doctor came to see me and after a lot of self-pity, belly-aching and complaining about my insomnia, he looked at me and said "speaking of doing something about your insomnia, did you ever try counting your blessings?"’

The song debuted in the now-classic holiday film, White Christmas

What a simple-and timely-idea. Counting troubles is an easy reaction in times of uncertainty, isolation, and loss. Yes, even as your heart aches after the death of a loved one, you can turn to this prescription for relief:  choose to count blessings! 

First, let's define blessing

Websters begins with the concept of an invocation-- a statement of approval or encouragement. The definition evolves to be something which contributes to a positive occurrence, outcome, or opportunity. Many consider a blessing to be a verbal prayer of thanks to God. Therefore, any and every aspect of your loved one which has made you happy, secure, and thankful counts when you're counting blessings!

How to start counting

Your method could be a relaxed mental wander through wonderful memories, or try some of these:

• Take out your journal or notepad and write a list of the helps, traits, and admirable qualities of your loved one. Fill pages, if you want to!

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  Pull out photo albums or boxes and count the blessings of vacation fun, love-filled occasions, camaradie, proud moments, and those adoring expressions meant just for you.
  
• Pull up iTunes or YouTube recordings of a few special songs that take you back to important times shared with your loved one. As you listen, re-live the blessings.
• Find your box of momentos or file of important papers and count your blessings. Old documents such as a marriage license, a paycheck stub, a birthday or anniversary card, and even a handwritten grocery list can flood your heart with gratitude.

I know a man who counts joyful blessings by paging through his late wife's cookbooks. Think of the counting possibilities that await in your garage, basement, or clothes closet! Others might walk in their yard and count the blessings of things planted by a loved one. What other counting ideas can you think of?

Feeling better? Keep digging and keep counting. And there's a good chance that others who mourn this person would love to hear what you've counted. Bless them by sharing your lists and encourage them to begin counting, too.

Thank you for caring!

Freddie the Cat: A Story of Creating Your Way through Grief

The Growing Through Grief series

Using Grief as a Creative Prompt

It takes courage to turn to one's art during the early days of grief and yet, it is a deeply special way to process the pain, drama, and shock of loss. Whether your creative outlet is paint, pen, or another form, it is a voice and its expression has value. Countless memoirs are sparked by death; who hasn’t read Marley & Me or Tuesdays with Morrie ?
Russian landscape artist Maxim Vorobyov, painted ‘Oak Fractured by Lightning’ (1842) to express the shock and pain of his wife’s death. 

'Oak Fractured by Lightning', Maxim Vorobyov

I gained this perspective after pet loss, but doubled-down on the challenge by drafting my mother’s obituary, and months later, posting My Turn to Grieve. In my post Condolence to Teens, I suggested giving the grieving girl or boy a journal because like an iceberg, ‘what’s on the surface is a fraction of what’s important to a teenager.’ The subtle suggestion to write or rant becomes a pathway to personal discovery and healing.

This month, my writing friend, Kat, shared her beautiful tribute to Freddie. The health decline of a pet can be a slow, subtle thing, the cues of which accumulate in owners' observations of body and behavior. Still, the time-to-let-go always arrives like a bolt of lightning! I thanked Kat for setting her pen to the pain and she replied: 

“Deborah, I did not want to write his story and had to force myself to do so.  But once I started I began to feel much better.”

FREDDIE

By Kat Hakanson  July 17, 2020 

Freddie, Fireplace Cat
Used with permission, Kat Hakanson

Our cat Freddie died this week.  He was 16 and leaves behind the heartbroken humans that he graciously shared his life with.  There is a big empty space left behind.

Freddie came to us in March of 2004.  We had lost our dear cat, Mr. Peach, the day after Christmas in 2003.  Mourning his loss, we found a breeder of Cornish Rex in Goodyear, AZ and, as luck would have it, she had a male cat born the past November who needed a forever home.

Living in Colorado at the time, we made the trip down to Arizona that March to pick up our newest family member. He was a beautiful orange tabby with an incredibly thick marcel wave. He was our fifth Cornish Rex.  Someone once told me that Rex cats look like corduroy, an apt description.  We called him Freddie, but his actual given name was Mister Rogers of Stonebridge in honor of the famed establisher of the children’s TV series who had always been a favorite of our entire family. We returned to Colorado and Freddie met his fellow resident cat, Norman, who was a meek and gentle little guy. It did not take Freddie long to rule and dominate our household and Norman too. Sweet Norman loved him just the same. 

Being 4 months old when we brought him home, he was really still a kitten. He was robust and active, could leap up to the highest furniture tops and we marveled at his athletic ability. His feet were huge and that gave us an indication of what a big boy he would grow to be. Sometimes when he was jumping, he would leap sideways. In his teething stage, he chewed a few holes in the bottom of my brand-new wooden blinds. It still makes me smile when I think of it, but I was horrified at the time! Years later, when the moving day came to leave Colorado, I noticed the chew marks on that bottom shade board and wondered what the new owners would think of them.

Window Cats
Used with permission, Kat Hakanson

He loved to watch birds from big windows and the window seat. None of our cats were ever allowed outside so our screened porch became his special place to enjoy the outdoors. Lap time was a favored activity and in his later years he would be extremely put out if there was not a lap available when he desired one. A sunny window was his best friend and he would move throughout the house all day long just looking for that best sun spot. He allowed his humans to share his king size bed. Freddie was a talker and had a lot to say. At times it felt as if he were lecturing us. There was always a greeting when we would come home. Almost until the day he died, he enjoyed playing with his toys in kitten like fashion.

Freddie & Ginger, Cuddle Cats
Used with permission, Kat Hakanson

Norman died in 2009 and we then welcomed a tiny female cat to our family.  She was Rex number six.  We named her Ginger (Fred and Ginger)!

She was a feisty little girl and Freddie could not really dominate her as he did Norman. Life in our household became more interesting. Games and chasing became everyday behavior. 

When he was 15, we noticed he was getting very thin. He had lost two pounds since his last checkup one year prior. The Vet did bloodwork but everything looked fine. He was still eating, was active and always into mischief.

With the pandemic, his next yearly visit was delayed.  There were problems with using the litter pan now. When he saw the Vet last week, he had dropped to 6.5 pounds as compared to the healthy 11 pounds he weighed when in his prime. He never ate again after that last Vet visit and we could see him failing quickly every day. Suddenly, he now appeared to be in pain and we knew it was time to let him go. Lymphoma and kidney failure were suspected. We were shocked at his final, rapid decline. It was with overwhelming sadness when we said goodbye. We will miss him forever. ###

Mother's Memorial Morning Sky
D. Chappa

Grief work that works

The story of 'Mister Rogers of Stonebridge' is now a family treasure. If you are grieving, turn to your art. Don’t worry about an audience--more than ever, this art is for you! If you are a friend to a grieving person, consider creating your own artistic tribute, or offer a gift such as a journal or art supplies, or plant a creative prompt with the question:

How would your feelings show up through…

your camera...your pen...your paintbrush...your guitar?

Thank you for caring!

Grief Tools: An Emergency Kit for a Bad Day

Janet Roberts, Executive Director of Centering Corporation and Grief Digest Magazine invited me to share this wonderful article from the December 2014 issue. It was contributed by Elaine Stillwell, a writer based in Rockville Centre, New York.

I subscribe to Grief Digest Magazine, and loved the practical suggestions for self care. But I also wondered:  could this be a condolence gift?  

AN EMERGENCY KIT FOR A BAD DAY

By Elaine Stillwell

 

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As hard as we try to keep our heads above water in grief, there are some days that sneak up on us and catch us totally off guard, spiraling us backwards to what seems like day one. It just doesn't seem fair to fall down when we thought we were doing so well or were giving it our best effort.

So, do yourself a favor and plan ahead. Be ready for that black day that knocks you over in your grief. Start right now putting together your emergency kit so you can shift immediately into "Plan B" whenever you are blindsided by some event, circumstance or happening.

For our emergency kits, some of us might only need a simple carton or a box the size of a carry-on suitcase. Others might need an old-fashion sized trunk-use whatever it is that fits your needs, because each of us grieves differently. Here are a few suggestions that might help you get started.

Loving Listener Address Book

You might grab this handy, specially made, little phone book that lists those friends who give you their loving presence while offering no advice for your hurting heart. A quick call to one of them might be just what you need to get out of the doldrums as you share what has knocked you back into the grief pit. We know talking is the best medicine, so this might be immediate, vital, first aid. On our grief journey, many of us learn that we need to rewrite our address book, so this can be a grand opportunity to add new support persons and delete some folks who have not been there for us. This is a perfect time to create this handy item and to make sure it is in our emergency kit for quick use.

Magic Wand

This useful tool might bring a smile to our faces as we wave it a few times, hoping that its magical powers will restore our hope, motivation and determination. It might just help us focus on happy memories that lighten the burden of our grief. It might make us feel more in control and more able to make the decisions we need to climb out of the hole. My wand came from a memorable sweet-sixteen birthday party, and it still has those magical powers to make me feel joy. You might have a similar item that conveys the same message to your heart, something that stirs a lot of memories for you, like a team pennant, a fishing rod, a baseball cap, a letter or a photo album. Find the linking object that works for you.

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Huggables

Something cuddly to hug can help our hearts, especially if it is a teddy bear or pillow made from our loved one's pajamas, bathrobe, sweatshirt or favorite outfit. We can sense their presence and almost feel them hugging back. It could be any plush toy or quilt, but it should be something that has meaning to us and brings us comfort when we hold it. Denis' Ziggy doll that has "I is a brane" emblazoned on its chest
cracks me up every time I look at it. And Peggy's loveable unicorn reminds me of all her dreams and plans. Anything huggable that has history can give you a boost as you relive the memories it brings to your mind.

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Uplifting Book

Carefully selecting a favorite book that has a warm, healing message offers a soothing note for broken spirits. Whether prose or poetry, finding words that bring back a loving feeling in our hearts can help on a gloomy day. We might smile again as we reread favorite passages that open doors to healing for us. You will forget you are having a bad day!

Binoculars

Besides giving us a new perspective, these glasses can help us find those colorful, chirping birds that enjoy our garden, flit around our feeders and fly around our trees. Listening to their daily songs and becoming a "birder" can be a key therapy for the bereaved. So begin listing the birds you see and then doing your homework to find out more about them. You may learn to see your life through new eyes. 

Family Recipe

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Including a popular recipe in the kit might get us out of bed and headed for the kitchen. Sometimes preparing a favorite dish that we love or that our loved one enjoyed makes us feel better. Getting involved with all the ingredients and planning this special dish is a delicious distraction from pain. It gets us busy with something that has happy memories. We might even want to call someone to share it with us. This can be the beginning of feeling social again.

Music

On a tough day, music can be very healing to some souls. Be sure you include a favorite CD, or iPad selection to get you out of a dark mood as you hum along. Years ago, I had my Walkman all primed ready to go each time I walked the dog, because the music talked to my soul. So whatever your musical choices, classical, spiritual, big band, country, Motown, heavy metal or rap, make sure you include the songs that brighten your spirit.

Don't waste another minute. Start assembling all the emergency-kit items that will have you ready with "Plan B." As time goes along, you can add and subtract, continually updating and insuring you that you can have a better day. Our new mantra will be just like the Boy Scouts, "Be Prepared."

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Readers:  don't miss the poignant story of Centering Corporation's founder, Joy Johnson: Joy's Warrior Dragon: Courage Befriends a Widow

Thank you for caring!

Creative Condolence: A Life Story In 15 Songs

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Just beyond the rim of my soup bowl lay an issue of Rolling Stone magazine. Perusing the story titles listed on the cover, 'JACKSON BROWNE My Life In 15 Songs' caught my attention and imagination. The 66 year old singer songwriter likely has many more creative years ahead, but he embraced Senior Writer, David Fricke's invitation to examine a career that began with his 1972 debut album, Jackson Browne. I am the Condolence Coach, so naturally, I wondered:

Can you tell a life story in 15 songs?

Step One:  Create a LIFETRACK.

A very important part of funeral gatherings is celebrating the life lived. Important healing takes place in recounting:

• a summation of the family tree
• anecdotal stories
• life turning points
• military and community service
• achievements
• hobbies and favorite things
• travels and other adventures
• impact and influence on others

I was reminded of the dozens of life avenues that should be examined by glancing through the excellent book, ObitKit A Guide to Celebrating Your Life by Susan Soper. Every family should have--and use--an ObitKit book.

A Lifetrack should be written; whether you use the fill-in-the-blank book format of the ObitKit, a spreadsheet, or a pad of paper, organize your thoughts. Be warned: you may need to do some digging (research.) What was dad's mother's maiden name? Find a birth certificate. What did dad do in the Navy? Find his DD-214 discharge documents.

This recounting is often the basis of photo slideshows.

Photo montages are a very popular feature at visitations and funeral services. These may be prepared professionally by online or local vendors, or assembled by a funeral home using video tribute software. Most often, I find that a family member is drawn to tackle the project. After many hours of scanning old photos and downloading digital assets to their home computer, the memorial slideshow is burned to DVD or sent to a USB stick. Sometimes there is a soundtrack but often, there is not. Which brings us to those 15 songs...

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Every life has a soundtrack.

Step Two:  Create a SOUNDTRACK.

Armed with a Lifetrack, it's time to make a SOUNDTRACK. I have nothing against the cultural influence of the wonderful music recorded by Bette Midler, but I have heard The Wind Beneath My Wings, too many times. I'm also getting a little weary of Glenn Miller's String of Pearls and The Andrew Sisters' Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. But if these songs were expressed favorites, go ahead and include them.

Step Three:  Creative Condolence: A Life Story in 15 Songs

Is this a condolence note or a music mix? How about both?

A. Giftable Media- a Music Keepsake

If you have the ability to assemble the Life Story in 15 Songs' audio files--the delivery format is wide open--it is sure to enhance your condolence note. But be sure that the recipient has the playback ability; not everyone can stream music, play what you burned, or know which button to press. Consider eliminating hurdles by making a date to meet and, using your device, enjoy the Soundtrack together.

B. Creative Condolence Note

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Here is where your core skills as a condolence writer are meant to blossom. After the extensive effort of steps one, two, and three-A., your heart and mind are full. Sit down and slowly release the admiration and affection to paper.

• Express your sense of loss.
• Explain your motivation to create A Life Story in 15 Songs
• Write out your playlist.
• Explain your choice of each song. A sentence, a brief story, are sufficient.
• If appropriate, state that you will contact the recipient to schedule a visit for sharing the Soundtrack. (Don't forget to make that call, soon after your note's likely arrival.)

RESOURCES:
The ObitKit was first introduced to readers in my post: Curb Your Enthusiasm? Not In My Condolence!

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